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Abused Lambs                                                        Page 4

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Poems and Thoughts

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

 

About 6 years ago I came out to the elders and told them I was sexually abused by my father. My mom ended up leaving my dad (I was 14 at the time) and I went through long sessions with the elders on this situation. They told me not to go to the police as it would reflect badly onto the congregation. They also told me I HAD to forgive my father because that's what the bible says. Being as headstrong as I am, I went to the police anyway. I was disfellowshipped for reporting to the police thus not following theocratic direction and not forgiving my father right away.

Now my family doesn't speak to me anymore, yet my father was found "repentant" and remained an active member in the congregation. I have heard he is remarried - to a woman with small children nonetheless and that he is a ministerial servant. I found a letter online that was distributed to the elders in every congregation from the Watchtower society that states people with a history of pedophilia ARE allowed to go door to door, make comments, be with small children, become elders, etc… as long as there haven't been accusations against this person in a long time. It's quite sad really. I was amazed at the THOUSANDS of people who were in a situation like me... its encouraging to see I am not alone! :-)

I am amazed that people can hide behind a religion so well and have been doing it for so long. My parents are Jehovah Witnesses and my family was brought up in that religion. I have 7 brothers and 2 sisters and only 1 remains in the religion. He was an elder for a period of time, in which he sexually abused his stepdaughter. He also bashed her one time; she escaped the house and was picked up by an armor guard employee. She was taken to an elder's house. He did not take her to a doctor, even though she had extensive bruising on her face.

A week later she was sent back to my brothers place and was abused by her mother. I encouraged welfare to intervene and she was removed from that environment. Sadly it was to late for her. She turned to drugs and has been battling depression. This religion is so male orientated females don't have a chance nor do children. Of all my brothers and sitters over half were sexually abused and we were all physically abused, you may be able to hide sexual abuse but I don't believe you can hide physical abuse. We use to go to meetings with bruises all over our arms and legs yet nothing was done.

My mothers congregation in New Zealand have been told not to look at this website, yet another example of them trying to control the thoughts of the congregation.

SM

We spoke a few nights ago on the phone. I haven't been able to find a picture of myself when I was younger, but as soon as I do I will send it in.

It started I believe when I was about 8 years old. My mother would work in the day, so she relied on fellow JW's to baby-sit me. I had a regular babysitter, but sometimes the next door neighbor who was also a JW would watch me. The sister (next door neighbor) also worked in the early evenings, so she would leave me with her eldest son. He molested me over a period of 2 years.

When I initially told my mother, she told me to scream. As an eight year old, I told the perpetrator what my mom told me to do, and he covered my mouth. How it all got out was that I told one of the daughters of the babysitter that usually watched me. In turn, she told her mother. Her mother grilled me, and told me to give her all the gory details. She in turn informed my uncle who was an elder in the congregation.

When we got home one night from the meetings, the babysitter, her children, and the next door neighbor were waiting outside. We all went into the house, and I was forced to tell all the details again, this time to an audience of about 7-9 people. They asked me if I liked how it felt, if I wanted him to continue, and other questions that should not be asked of a child. My uncle was notified afterwards.

The next day, my uncle, the next door neighbor, and her son came over. This time, they wanted me to recount the story IN FRONT of the perpetrator. After telling the story two other times, I was too afraid to say anything while the perpetrator was there, so I started to cry, because he said that if I told anybody, he'd make my mother hate me, and that he'd hurt her too. So I just kept crying. Then my uncle said a prayer, and I remember it to this day, "Forgive this child for lying on this poor young man." I didn't say anything else. In my mind, what was threatened came true. After that, my mom was not as affectionate towards me, and began to pay more attention to other children at the Kingdom Hall instead of me.

A few weeks later, my babysitter spanked me to the point where I had bruises. The teacher notified the school nurse, which called the police. I was interviewed by a detective, and I told him what happened with the next door neighbor's son. Nothing came of it however, because when the detective came to my house to talk to my mother, she said that I'd made it up.

I was abused again at another babysitter's house by her two grandsons. It happened for another year or so. But this time I didn't say anything, because the last time, no one believed me.

For years and years, I thought that maybe I'd made all this up in my head, because I was reminded by everyone who knew that they thought I was a liar. For the longest time, I wasn't able to speak up because I couldn't find my voice. Now it's time to put this demon to rest...because I realize now, I shouldn't have lived with this shame, for it was not my shame. It wasn't my fault, I didn't make it up, and I sure as hell not a liar. I'm not an eight year old girl anymore, I'm no longer a silentlamb.

BG

I read many of the accounts on your site and they are fascinating and sad and there is a running theme through out:

The Elders screwed up royally. My account is equally fascinating...

Father's Touch: A Survivor's Memoir of Sexual Abuse & Faith Chapter 12:

Ronny knows he has to do something. He promised he would. But as he is a baptized Christian now, he can't physically hurt his father. Instead he reaches out and cries for help. He decides to confide in the Elders of the Aylmer Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Mama says, “Don't tell.”

Papa says nothing, as though this disclosure is inevitable. God knows he plays The Game. Now God's Elders will find out. His silence at this major crisis is a brilliant and calculated turn.  Me, I am ecstatic. No more secrets and lies.

And Ronny? As the oldest son, the pressure on my brother is unbearable. He fears physical retribution from his father, not only for himself, but for us, too. But now he also has to deal with another unknown factor -- how will the Elders react to the news?

He breaks down, confiding in the men of God, that our father has played with us sexually for years. Their reaction: a mix of detachment, curiosity, and confirmation.

Within the Witness society, spiritually weak males are suspect. Perhaps for only lacking faith. Where there is no sign of progress, there is genuine concern. During his fourteen years as a Witness, my father's involvement with Jehovah's Witnesses has been sporadic at best. The Elders “know” there is something wrong with him. Now they have the “evidence” on him.

Papa is called into a meeting with three Elders. Mama is angry at Ronny for breaking the silence. Her private humiliation is about to go outside her inner circle. The four of us are told we must testify before the Elders. Ronny is fifteen, I'm twelve, Marina is ten, and Erik is seven.

Papa confesses to the accusations. How could he not? Why would his four children lie? Why would Mother? Besides, his silence upon Erik's disclosure is an admission of guilt two years earlier. So his quiet admission of guilt now is really not that surprising. Perhaps his silence serves a purpose. Wouldn't a self-defensive posture or an antagonistic approach add to an already explosive situation?

My naivete' and innocence are thrown into the public arena for the first time. I feel like a witness for the prosecution. I'm nervous and excited that our secret is finally coming out. "My life will change for the better," I tell myself.

2001 Copyright, Father's Touch by Donald D'Haene

TO FIND OUT THE COMPLETE STORY AND HOW THIS PARTICULAR DRAMA UNFOLDED, CHECK OUT www.fatherstouch.com for more information on Donald D'Haene's autobiographical account.

I was born into a family of JWs in 1962 at that time we lived in Montana .... It matters not what state you are from, every congregation within our 50 states harpers and protects these victimizers.... And ignores the victim. My mother left me in the care of an Elder and his family while she took my older sister to grade school each morning, I was left in our home with the door unlocked so that this family could come over and check on me. The Elder was the one that would come over each morning.... By the time he got to the house he was already hard, He would have me touch him all over then he would ask me to open my mouth and kiss and lick his privates. You see if you are a Witness and an Elder at that, parents with children in the congregation will hand their kids over to these individuals "no questions asked"

But I was told to love and respect Elders, after all my Mother has told me several times over many years that my Father never wanted me and that she had to go to the Elders and demand that they tell my Father to not deny her having more children, so they did and so here I am. I owe my very life to the Elders according to my Mom. And please never spare the rod of discipline... My Mother wanted perfect little witness kids who never acted up at meetings to embarrass her in front of the congregation, I don't remember one time after a meeting that my sister and I did not get beat with a belt or a switch.

In 1969 we moved from Montana to the Los Angeles area were we settled into a new congregation (BlG South) My Mom started pioneering full time and my Dad continued beating us kids into perfection. Later when I was 12 we moved on the same block with 2 Elders and their families and a MS and his wife. My best friend D was the stepdaughter of one of the Elders. The other Elder D W had a wife and two small children, he started to give D and I sleeping pills in the evening and when we would fall asleep he would have his fun,

He also took us separately in his car to run errands then he would just drive to some out of the way parking lot and have sex with us. He would tell us that he loved us and wanted to marry us, I really didn't know any better I thought Elders were like Gods who never did anything wrong. D finally broke down and told her Elder step Dad about what he was doing. Ready for this folks, because they were good friends the two Elders they decided to not tell anyone what had happened ... D's Dad told me not to say anything to anyone not even my parents because Jehovah was dealing with it Himself. So, I did what he said. It was only years later when I was in my 30s and having all kinds of emotional problems that I finally confronted my mother and asked why on earth she would allow me to drive off with a grown man alone over and over again.

I was married by then to a worldly man, I had a beautiful daughter and I swore that nothing like this would happen to her... Guess again, my husband started studying with JWs in 1984 and was baptized in 1985. This caused many problems between us and in 1996 I filed for divorce. During the divorce when my daughter would be with my Ex for visitation, He had a friend who was an Ex MS who was an alcoholic but still a witness and attending meetings. Him and my EX got drunk one night at his new home, My EX passed out and his brother in the truth (J K) proceeded to go upstairs and force himself on my daughter. SHE WAS ONLY 12 YEARS OLD. What a proud legacy of pain and heartache you evil people have left in your wake, you have done the unthinkable just so you can pretend to the world that you are guilty of no wrong. I can't imagine what you really deserve for your crimes ... Stop hurting children.

KC

To Whom It May Concern: Please add me to your mailing list. I am an ex JW and was married to a ex JW now who was sexually abused by an elder for years and nothing was done until she went to a CO, after which she was removed from her special pioneer privilege. I was astonished with how the whole ordeal was handled, and finally my eyes were opened later when I had an elder as a business partner and went to the elders about the problems this man was causing not only to me but other young brothers who we had hired. Anyways, I would like to be on your mailing list. Thank You....

TM

Thank you! I love your site and I love what you are doing! I am a victim of molestation, so is my daughter...I thank GOD for His strength and love, to have made me strong enough to fight the emotional bondage of this horrific crime. I visit your site often.

WN

Dear silentlambs,

I am sending you two letters I wrote in 1999 as they helped me to heal and overcome the hurtful legacy I was born into. My hope is that you will be able to share these writings with others who have or are feeling similar feelings so that they can gain something out of them

The message is ... There is hope ... You can survive ... You can go on ... And things can get better ... If you are willing to seek help ... Face your fears ... And work hard to heal And in the process you will learn to love yourself....

Tamar

______________________________________________________________

The following are letters to my brother who abused me:

May 9, 1999

Raymond,

I want you to understand the impact that you have had in my life.

The earliest memory I have of you was when I was around four years old. I can remember you bribing me with gum. I loved gum when I was young and you said that you would give me a whole piece if I took off my panties and laid down on the garage floor. I remember the darkness of the garage and the coldness of the floor as you hurt me by laying on top of me. I complained of the coldness so you laid down a towel on the floor for me to lay on. I can remember on one of the many times that this happened, someone knocked on the garage door. In a panic you told me to be silent, leaped to your feet, scrambling to fix your clothing and told me to quickly put on my panties and go out the back door and play. Without question, I did as you said and went out to the red patio on the back of the garage and put one foot on the back of my sister's red tricycle and pushed in around with my other foot. I remember you telling someone that you were looking for something when they asked what you were doing. Later you gave me extra gum and made me promise that I wouldn't tell anyone about our little game we were playing. I can clearly remember that this was the first time that I had ever felt guilt. At the time I did not know what I was feeling, but as I grew I learned that what I felt s sense of guilt and shame for doing something I shouldn't be doing. I was a good secret keeper and you continued to touch me and abuse me in various places around our property, including the big back yard. As I grew I can clearly recall feeling a sense of fear every time I went into the garage.

Then you went away and Daddy died. I remember feeling alone and sad. You were not there to give me gum or horsey rides, and Daddy was just gone forever. I remember feeling that I had lost you both forever because Daddy had fallen asleep in death forever and you were disfellowshipped for stealing.

As I grew my feeling of guilt also grew. You came home and began to molest me again. Finally my conscience felt very bad because we had a family talk in which mom said that we should never keep secrets of her and if anyone had anything they wanted to talk about she would listen. Later that day I went to mom and told her about what you and I had been doing. I told her how bad it made me feel and I cried a lot because I thought I would be getting in trouble. She assured me that I was not in trouble. I remember the yelling and screaming as you and Mom fought soon afterwards. When you went away again for stealing, I felt as if it was because I had told about our game. I did not know that you were in trouble with the law for stealing again. I thought you were in trouble for what you had done to me. I felt sad and was angry with myself for telling our little secret. I was very sad little girl because both my daddy and my brother were both gone.

I remained faithful to the truth, as those around me expected and tried to find myself in service to Jehovah. After all I was the daughter of the deceased presiding elder and I could not let anyone down as you had.

When I turned 16 I had my first date. He was 23 years old, and what I thought was a faithful brother in the truth. On that first date he asked me to marry him. He told me that he had already spoke with my mother and it was ok with her if I wished to marry him. I impulsively said yes, and we were married three months later. On our honeymoon this faithful brother took me to a porn movie and began to tell that I needed to be more like those women. He was abusive to me and I became very angry. I began to drink a lot to deal with the pain of his sexual and emotional abuse . I just assumed that men who love you sexually abuse you, after all, you were my only real roll model for a male and you had abused me. My marriage ended after being beaten severely because I would not cower to his abuse any longer. My husband had abused me and cheated on me. He was disfellowshipped. I found myself divorced at the young age of 18. I didn't dream of seeking help, as the organization frowned upon seeking counseling.

When I was 19 I remarried. This marriage was doomed from the start. My husband was also a brother in good standing in the truth, but he was the opposite of my first husband and not a strong person. He was passive and a rather placid in his personality. We were poor and he could not get a decent job, keep a job, or manage to support us. We ended up on welfare and this angered me. I became disillusioned with my marriage, religion, and life in general. I was angry at my husband for not rescuing me from the pressures of life. I found myself having to support him as he couldn't keep a job. I became pregnant and could no longer work. We ended up homeless and destitute. Finally after the baby was born, out of sheer frustration I had an affair on him in a pathetic attempt to feel loved. I was disfellowshipped. I spent a year coming back to the truth and trying to make up for what I had done to him. During this time I suffered from depression, anorexia & bulimia because of all the pent up anger I had carried throughout my life and the frustration I felt with him for not taking care of me. After being re-instated, when my son was 2 1/2 yrs old, I sent the elders a letter telling them to disfellowship me because I could no longer believe in a religion that helped harbor so many people who were responsible for so causing so much pain to others. I told them that if a God of love would allow this kind of wrong doing. I made a conscious decision that I would no longer live by the truths teachings because the brothers turned a blind eye to so much wrong doing. Because I was shortly after disfellowshipped and chose not to try for re-instatement my marriage ended in divorce. My husband told me that he did not want to be married or allow his child to be raised by a nonbeliever. He did not want to be unevenly yoked. I was forced to fight for custody of my child and after almost a year in a bitter battle I won primary custody.

I pulled up my strength and went on to try to find myself. I went from man to man trying to find someone who would love me. I was used and abused by the men I met. I met most of them in bars and they only wanted one thing. Of course, I believed that the only way to get anyone to love you was to give them what they wanted, so I did whatever they wanted. I had a countless series of discreet and meaningless one night stands and short relationships.

I married the third time at the age of 24. By this time I longed for stability and security so I married a man twice my age, in the hope that he would be stable and provide what I was looking for. He turned out to be an abuser and alcoholic, but I was so tired of fighting I resigned myself to putting up with the abuse just to save the marriage. I couldn't imagine being divorced 3 times by the age of 25. At this time I was missing my family deeply and I felt that it was time for me to forgive those who had hurt me in the past, so I decided to let you back into my life. You called me and asked if you could come and stay at my home for a couple of days because you were on a business trip. While you were in my home you took advantage of me. You waited until my husband had gone to work, then you snuck into my in bed while I was asleep and attempted to rape me. I would have died before I let you hurt me again. I kicked you, I hit you and I eventually pushed you down a flight of stairs. I kicked you out of my home at gunpoint and called the police. I immediately called the police and filed charges against you for rape, but due to the fact that I would not lie when asked on the on the witness stand If had tried the cocaine that you had brought into my home the night before, you were able to plea bargain out to a lesser charge and received probation. My husband did not forgive me for letting you into my life and instead became even more angry and abusive over the following months. He would beat me, drag me by my hair and he even put out a cigarette on my stomach. He was cruel and vicious and said that the raping was my fault. I became afraid of him because he began to say he was going to kill me. He had hit me so hard he broke my eardrum and had choked me several times to the point that I passed out. One day I became so fearful for my life that I had him arrested after he beat me. My marriage ended in divorce by the time I was barely 27.

I am now 39 yrs old and have been married for 12 yrs to a man who at the beginning of our marriage was very emotionally and physically abusive to me. Fortunately because of our deep love for each other and a desire to have a happy family we have overcome the abuse. It took years, a lot of counseling and an enormous amount of work on both our parts to grow beyond our abused issues. Through counseling we have broken the cycle of violence and have cultivated a loving, giving and caring relationship.

At the age of 39 I finally have a family and a loving husband. Yet, I can not help but be so very sad when I see how many years were waited trying to overcome the sexual abuse I went through as a child. No one should have to suffer this way. My life was a living hell for so many years. I am deeply saddened by this loss of youth and innocence.

Why did you do this to me? Why did you hurt me so deeply? Even if you were abused it gave you no right to abuse others! You had no right to molest me and my sisters! You've had no right to abuse our bodies, feelings and trust. I do not understand why you have never apologized to me for hurting me so and ruining so many precious years of my life. I can forgive you but I can never forget what you have done to me. I love you because you are my brother, but I can never trust you!

You did not just molest my body, you molested my soul and I will carry these scars for eternity.

Tamar

__________________________________________________________________

May 10, 1999

Dear Ray,

I never thought I would write you but I needed to tell you a few things.

First of all... I love you.

I want you to know that I have forgiven you for molesting me as a child and assaulting me as an adult. This has taken me many years to come to grips with and even longer to deal with. The scars you left upon my heart can never be removed, but I have prayed to God to find a way to forgive you and he has helped me. I now understand that you must have been mentally unbalanced to do such horrible things to your sisters. This has helped me to forgive you.

I have also recently learned that you were molested when you were young by a male family member and this is quite possibly why you learned to molest others. I have been able to speak in length with my sisters and this has helped me to know that I am not alone in my pain, as you also molested them also.

I want you to know that I no longer feel angry towards you. I only feel a deep sadness & loss. It is true that you had difficult time growing up and things were not always fair but you chose to make it so much worse by making so many wrong choices along the way. In making these choices you crushed the hearts of your sisters, mother and lost the trust of everyone around you. I have gone through much pain from the loss of my father & my brother.

I wanted you to have a copy of our fathers military records. I have supplied copies to our sisters. I felt that you too should have a copy of them. I found them very difficult to read as I was able to see how badly daddy suffered and how incredibly painful it must have been for our mother. She had a husband who was dying, no income, no education, she was ill with lupus herself (even though she did not know it at the time), a son in jail and four daughters to care for. Our mother went through hell and survived. I doubt You or I would have done so well if we were in her place. The saddest part about all of this is our father suffered greatly and in my opinion should not have died if he had been treated properly.

They say that whatever you give out in this life comes back to you. I pray that you will start to repay your debt... before it is too late. . I am sad for you as you are without your family because we can not trust you. I love you but will not allow you to ever get close enough to me to hurt me ever again. I have a new family and a wonderful husband whom I have been married to for 12 yrs. I can not allow you back into my life for fear that you will try to destroy us. If you would molest your own children what would stop you from hurting mine. I can not trust you... I want to trust you but I can not... because I have seen no steps of repentance on your part. I am forced to mistrust you because of your continued action hurt people. I don't even know if you know how to repent. It is a process that everyone must go through if they are to change and grow from their mistakes. Without repentance, you do not grow mentally or spiritually. Repentance opens the door to growing up and having peace in your life despite the fact that you have made mistakes.

The steps of repentance are... 1. Accepting that what you have done is wrong. 2. Sincerely asking for forgiveness from God and the person(s) you have hurt. 3. Doing everything in your power to right the wrong including going to the police and telling the truth. 4. Accept the consequences of your actions willfully. 5. Never do it again.

You have never even told me you were sorry for what you have done. This tells me that you have not repented from what you did to me or my sisters.

You have hurt so many people... I want you to take a moment and think of their faces... how many tears have you caused...?

Momma Daddy My sisters Me Your 2nd ex-wife and your children with her that you molested Your friend who killed himself because you had an affair with his wife and she was disfellowshipped for it. Your other ex-wives All the people you have extorted & blackmailed (including family) All the people you've cheated & stolen from (including family) All the married women you've slept with and destroyed their marriages All the people you've got hooked on drugs & alcohol and God knows how many others.

You have effected so many lives for the negative. I almost killed my self as a child and later in life as a adult because of your molesting me made me feel so dirty and ugly. Fortunately I did not succeed. I had to go through years of therapy to get past these feelings of dirtiness.

Ray...None of us live forever... and sooner or later you will have to repent for what you have done or pay the price for your actions. I know that if you do not try to change, when your time on this earth is up you will be on your knees begging for forgiveness at the feet of our Savior Jesus Christ. If you have not changed your life, Jesus will look upon you with pity and say I am sorry...I can do nothing for you. You will be forced to face the pain you have caused others with "TOTAL CLARITY" and then my dear brother...you will weep and gnash your teeth. This will truly bring you to the depths of hell in your own heart.

I for one do not want to see this happen to you. I love you. You are my brother. You were born from the same parents I was... I loved my parents despite there faults and I love you despite yours. Love is not conditional upon a persons actions. Unfortunately association is.

I know that people can change... and it is not too late for you. Jesus forgave the harlot, he forgave the thief, he forgave the aristocrat, he can forgive you.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to grow up and stop being a selfish self- centered child. We are all born with a selfish streak that is put in us for survival... baby's cry until they get what they need. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we learn to set aside this selfishness for the betterment of everyone around us and when we do this we grow up. We learn that the world doesn't revolve around our needs, wants and desires. We learn that others have rights, needs and feelings. We learn to be part of the solution in this world instead of part of the problem. We learn to help others... not for what we can get out of it but rather because we want to really help our fellow man. Your time is well overdue. You are not a young man anymore.... you are old. There is nothing worse than meeting a old... selfish, greedy, uncompassionate person. These types of people are the shame of humanity. They represent everything ugly and dark about in this world.

I pray that you will accept that what you have done is wrong, that you will honestly ask God to forgive you, and change your life so that you will never destroy another persons life... as you almost did mine.

God loves you... no matter how bad you have been. He feels sad when he looks down upon you and sees all your wounds that cover your soul.... that have been given to you and you have inflicted upon yourself. I ask you to think about what I have said and go to God in prayer and ask him if what I have said is true. It's up to you... it is your life to waste or change. I will continue to pity you if you choose to waste your remaining time.

Your Sister,

Tamar

 

I am writing on my own, without my cousin or aunt knowing it. Many years ago my cousin was molested by someone in the congregation. She later ended up losing faith in this organization and left the truth because of the lack of love and holding to Bible standards she saw within the organization. This has torn up my aunt, as well as my own family.

What bothers me is more than just the fact that she was molested, but also that the organization threatened my relatives with disfellowshipping if they discussed the matter with anyone, on the grounds that such would be slander, and slanderers need to be removed from the congregation. Only one problem here though: the brother admitted to the molesting, so slander is not possible here in this case.

Now a brother down in Kentucky is taking a stand with the hope that the Organization will make the necessary reforms, and all the organization can do is send in three highly trained elders to deal with him. What they should be doing is changing the way they have treated people with such problems, and not threaten people with disfellowshipping every time their method of doing things is questioned. If they are not infallible as they say they are not, why do they take such exception when individuals speak up about things that are wrong? It's hard to believe that Jesus and his apostles would have behaved in such a fashion.

Hopefully, Dateline will put the fear of God into these individuals in Brooklyn , NY , who apparently believe that the truth needs to be told to only those who are entitled to it. So they see world authorities as not being those entitled to the truth. What a load of crap! We call this organization the truth. Well, truth should be the number one priority, not damage control. People in the world can tell when someone is hiding the facts. Mr. Brown, wake up! The world is not as dumb as you think, and neither are we! We want this organization to do well, but the handling of the molestation and other issues is an embarrassment to all of those who identify with this organization.

It is my hope that people in this organization will start following their Bible trained conscience and do what is right rather than always examine things through Watchtower color lenses. The brothers in New York may be good men, but can be wrong from time to time. They can't guarantee any human everlasting life. They can't even guarantee their own everlasting life. The Bible says "Do not put your trust in nobles, nor in the Son of earthling man." Does this scripture not also include those who worship the true God, and yet make mistakes? Jehovah will give us all an accounting, never can we blame or credit a person or organization for what we ourselves are guilty of. Neither do they seem eager to admit when they are wrong, using terms like 'new light' and 'adjustment'.

Brothers, just be straight with us, enough of the mumbo jumbo. You tap dance real well, how about just getting to the point!

You sent those three MTS graduates into Kentucky to control the damage. How about starting at home with a major clean up!

C A

Statement by Brother Brown: "When we are contacted, we tell elders if they are in a state where (reporting pedophilia) is required," he said. "We want to make sure we are legally compliant." MY COMMENT: The word "if" again. Christians are morally responsible to report abuse, no matter what state they are in.

Brown said he is aware that numerous cases have been posted on Internet sites such as www.silentlambs.org or www.freeminds.org detailing pedophilia within the Jehovah's Witnesses church. MY COMMENT: Mr. Brown didn't need to look into any Internet sites to know this information, he only had to open his eyes.

But he maintains most of the stories were posted by people who underwent

abuse back in the 1980s, when all of society was grappling with the issue. MY COMMENT: Excuse me, but my daughter's sexual abuse was made known in 1990 and so was my sister's sexual abuse..we were told it wasn't mandatory for the elders to report the abuse (even though I had already gone to the authorities, but the statute of limitations was up for the girls) I sincerely thought the elders would be more supportive as far as standing behind me to try to press charges against my ministerial servant husband, at the time. Sure some of the elders comforted me with scriptures, but soon after, I was made to feel like I was a burden to them, at one point after warning families in the hall of my husband activities, I was told to remain silent about the abuse or I would be marked by the congregation, I was told if I continued to cause division in the hall, I would be disfellowshipped (I was not the sexual abuser, mind you, but I would be df'd) Since my husband confessed (after he was exposed) and since two witnesses (two separate incidents by two separate victims came forward in statements written by them and sent to our hall and the legal dept.) I felt for sure that there would be justice and some closure to the abuse, but instead a judicial meeting was held, were an elder asked my husband in front of me very embarrassing questions such as (please forgive me if I offend

anyone, as that is not my intent) the elder asked him what he did to the

girls, my husband stated he touched them on their buttocks..the elder said with what? he said his hands and his penis..the elder asked him did he try to sodomize them, was this his intent? My husband said no..so the elder asked him was his penis pointed to the side, or was it pointed down or straight ahead? Was it near the site of entry? Did he penetrate them? My husband answered..it was straight ahead. I said he also tried to have oral sex with them..He confessed that on occasions he licked them. I knew he had taken my sisters hand to touch himself..he admitted to that also. After all of these questions, the two letters, the confession and the holding back of other

serious incidents (which my daughter and sister said he did not confess to) he was not disfellowshipped!!! Yet I, a Christian mother, would be df'd for righteously warning other families with young children and teens. I was truly discouraged and on the verge of a nervous breakdown was put on antidepressants, and continued until this day to be in emotional pain due to this outcome. I was told by the elders, my husband was not a wicked man, but he had a weakness for young children!!!

Brother Browns statement: "Regrettably, many children probably were molested," he said.

He said the church has made strong policy changes since then, including taking suspected or convicted pedophiles out of any position in the church, MY COMMENT: I would like to know what strong policy changes there have been to protect the children in the org? I would like to know why I was told my ex husband would never hold a position in the hall, he would not be allowed to volunteer for projects? But as we all know, as well as you Mr. Brown, if my ex-husband displays above average conduct and attends all meetings, he just may be able to hold a position in the hall. I demand to know, if the congregation that he is attending has been warned of his crimes of sexual abuse? According to

professional statistics, unless a child molester has had intensive therapy (intensive, not just going to a therapist sister a few times) he will molest again! Is the WT org. keeping a close watch over these perverts or are they allowing them to go door to door to unsuspecting householders? Does the family sitting next to a confessed child molester, know that he is a child molester? I strongly feel that my daughter, sister, my sons and myself and all of members of our family as well as his, were affected by his ungodly abuse and as long as this man is not disfellowshipped and the Watchtower (or whichever entity they call themselves) does not support and validate the

victims/survivors of abuse, morally report abuse, give full disciplinary

action, along with helping the authorities to prosecute all sexual abusers, the WT is condoning and protecting the abusers rather than the abused!!

Until something is done to protect our children and help in the prosecution of known child molesters..all those who do not help in this fight for child abuse awareness and prevention are blood guilty before God. Sexual abuse is murder to the spirituality of the victim!!!!! signed a co-survivor from Queens, NY

My father died in an airplane crash when I was six. My mom was so poor (times were different then, we got commodities not food stamps, and we went to a welfare clinic to be seen, you took a number and no matter how sick you was you sat all day until your number came up)the situation was more than my mom could cope with so as a matter of convenience she married this man, he was 32 yr old JW bachelor when they got married, he had money so he built my mom a new house with all new things to go inside of it. Through his family he had power, as he was one of three sets of twins, all his brothers were elders and had high positions in the organization. When he started to molest his step children, it seemed no one wanted to listen. His brothers, his mother, his father, my own mother chose to look the other way and ignore the signs something was wrong and as a result failed to do what was needed to keep the molestations from continuing. This went on for five yrs until someone finally listened, but when the elders reviewed the situation they decided to put the blame on the children, the reason given was because we ran thru the house partially clothed, which was considered a temptation for this man's sexual appetite. As a result he was only given private reproof so the congregation was not informed. The molestations continued until one night at the age of fifteen I turned my anger outward and beat up my mother for her inaction and not keeping me or my siblings safe. I went out and became promiscuous my rebellion was fueled by anger because at least this way I felt like I was doing something normal in my life. I was disfellowshipped from the congregation, got reinstated and then df'd again. I held all this anger inside of me for all those years, one day it overpowered me and I had a nervous break down, it was then I realized I could not walk around it I had to go right through it. I encourage all who are faced with a similar situation to face the pain and get the appropriate help in the way of counseling and or medication to help you to go thru it, do it now and get it behind you, life will be so much happier if you do. I am living proof you can do this. You must do this or your children will grow up with the same emotional baggage you carry, children do learn what they live. HM

~~~~~~~ you can grumble that roses have "thorns", or you can be glad that thorns have "roses" ~~~~~~~

Why the persecution? The persecution is from the people who claim to be my family. Ironic, the only way they can make themselves feel good is to heap judgment on me, for you see, if the real truth ever be known, it would place my Mother in her correct light, as a mindless, heartless, follower. It would also expose her. Sad, that this woman who refers to herself as my loving mother, only wanting the best for me, will not humble herself to see the truth. She says that I am a liar, because I remember one of her pioneer friends fondled me when I was three, and he says that he didn't. I guess that is what a loving Mother in the Jehovah's Witness religion does. Hurt your children to save face with the Organization. She can keep her "secure" little world...never in my life have I met such a judgmental group of people. Now THERE is a word for anyone who has eyes to see....JUDGMENTAL...isn't the guy who "invented" this cult referred to as Judge Rutherford? Isn't it a tactic of the Watchtower to use their cult followers MINDS, in order to keep them in FEAR so they will not leave? Sad....just real sad.

L.L.

I have been on your mailing list for sometime and have on a regular basis read the many stories of abuse. It has just taken time for me to tell mine. In no way is it as horrible as what has happened to many of your "little lambs". Still, it has effected me deeply.

I was born into the JW faith in 1972. My mother was a devoted JW and my father was not. They had many marital problems. I cannot blame my mother for everything as my father had a drinking problem at the time which led to a lot of fighting. The fact that he was a Detroit police officer didn't help. Anyway, they ended up in divorce. My mother remarried a brother in good standing who had also been divorced from a worldly woman. I was very happy with this. I was nice having a father around and he did many things with us.

However the fact that we were seeing our worldly father made things difficult. We went through custody battles for almost 3 years. By the time I was in 1st grade I had the beginnings of ulcers and actually passed out in class from the stress. I finally asked my father to let my step father adopt me when I was 8 because I felt that was what Jehovah would want (uhm, wonder where I got an idea like that from) which he consented to. So now we were a happy family right? Far from it. From the time my mother remarried my step father took the role of the disciplinarian. In other words the beatings. Not spankings, he used a 2 x 4, or a wooden cutting board. Not on a regular basis but enough. To this day I still don't own a wooden cutting board.

The last time he hit me I was 13. He thought I was lying (my sister told him I was because she was mad at me) about watching soap operas. I finally admitted to it - after being told for almost 45 min I better admit - just so he would leave me alone. I should have never said yes. My mother just sat there and watched w/tears running down her cheeks. Never said a word. I hated her for that. That was the last time. The first time I was 5 1/2 or 6. We were on a long trip hope from some friends. I was laying down in the back seat of our station wagon looking at the fogged up windows. I started pretending to write in the windows w/my older sister (we new better then to actually do it) that was a big mistake. We got the 2 x 4 when we got home, his reason, I didn't hang up my coat and I shouldn't have done that in the car. My mind was blown. Not only had I never felt pain like that it didn't make sense.

I was baptized when I was 12 and pioneered every summer. I was the perfect child. Until the time I was 13 and was hit for the last time. Do you know why he never hit me again? Two weeks later I ran away and was put into protective custody for a month while the authorities looked into the matter. I then found out my step sister's mother had taken my step father to court for the same thing when my step sister was only 3 or 4. Unfortunately since I had no bruises left there was no proof but he was told if he was ever taken to court again by one of his kids he would go to jail. I ended up having to study w/another elders wife for having spiritual problems. The funny thing is we never talked about what happened.

As I got a little older my step fathers attitude changed. One day I was going to lay in the sun (in my VERY modest swimsuit) as I walked by him he said "Why are you walking around here dressed like that, you know I am not your real father, how do you think that makes me feel?" I almost fell over.

First of all he was my father and how in the world could he be feeling? Well obviously it was my fault. Then one night when I was sleeping the light from the hallway woke me up because my door was being opened. I laid real still and didn't move pretending I was still sleeping. It was a hot summer night and my upstairs room would be sweltering so many of nights I would take off my shirt in my sleep. My "father" walked in and began feeling my stomach and then my chest and then left. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do or how to think. The next morning at breakfast I asked if anyone had been in my room because I thought I remembered the light in the middle of the night.

My step father got nervous and said he had just been checking to see if I was covered up? IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER??? So why didn't he cover me? I tried to talk to my mom about what had happened but she got real mad and just said I had misunderstood my dad. We had always been raised that by being a submissive, modest woman or young woman, you would not invite problems w/men. Kind of like it was my fault he liked to see me in a swim suit. I know this will sound strange but I still dream about it and wake up not being able to remember the whole dream, kind of like I still cannot remember everything. My step father was an elder at the time and my mom a full time pioneer. He is now a PO. I stayed at home and was the perfect angel because my step father told me he would put me in a girls home if I ever ran away again and since he was now my legal father my biological father could do nothing about it. 2 months before I turned 17 I ran away again. I knew in the state of Michigan once you turned 17 the police wouldn't make you go home. I just couldn't wait the 2 extra months. I found myself the first boy interested in me had sex and ran back to the elders so I would be disfellowship and be away from my family. It worked. I moved in w/ a girlfriend and her parents. Trying to be a teenager w/the kind of problems I had was not easy. I experimented w/drinking. Every teenager does it but it had a bad outcome for me. I was a one of my first parties and drank so much that when it hit me I passed out. I do not remember anything until I woke up the next morning. I couldn't find my clothes. I had been raped. However, due to my upbringing it was over a year before I realized this and I still never had the courage to come forward. I wish I had. I found out this one guy I went to school with had a habit of going to parties late at night and taking advantage of girls who were passed out. I thought it was my fault though because I was the one drunk and if I had been sober I could have said no.

I am now 29 am married and have 2 wonderful boys. I have enough self confidence now that I did take another man to court who tried to force himself on me when my husband and I were spending the night at his house. I won! No one made me feel like it was my fault for being in his house. He was the one who came into my room when my husband and I were sleeping and took his cloths off and tried to take advantage of me. He will now have to register on the Michigan Sexual Offenders list for the rest of his life and has just gotten off of 5 years probation, counseling, community service and large fines not to mention a lawyer bill of over $20,000.00

I have been out of the org. for 13 yrs now and although it has taken time have a wonderful life. Maybe one day I will confront my family. Time will tell.

JP

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