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Abused Lambs                                                        Page 6

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Poems and Thoughts

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

 

Why me?

I am 49 years old. Five years ago, my memory of when I was 7 came back to me and I realized what had been done to me by my uncle, (my mothers brother). At this same time I was going through 2 major crisis in my life. My husband of 23 years had walked out on me and 3 children one night in June and my father had passed away from lung cancer 6 months prior.

I had been encouraged to seek counseling and I felt the need to talk to someone. While at one of my sessions, I felt like something was very wrong. I kept picturing my uncle lying on a bed. I didn't understand this and pursued it further. When I finally realized what had happened, I phoned my mother . She resides outside of S. I questioned her about the memory I had and I was shocked by her answer. "I was hoping you wouldn't remember." >From what she had told me, I was not the only one. My sister and 2 cousins were also victims. I asked about my father and she let me know that he never was told about this. That I believe. My dad was not the type to sit and do nothing about this. Since speaking to my mother on that day, I have lost all respect for her. She is not the woman I thought she was.

At the time, I was one of Jehovah's Witnesses as well as my family, aunts, uncles etc....... on my mothers side. All living close together in F. My mother let me know that my uncle and his brother were both rushed to the airport and put on a plain back to California where their mother was when it became apparent as to what had happened.

I now know that at the time there was no possible way for our family or any relatives to have the money for airfare. We had practically nothing and lived on that very same thing. No, the money had to of come from the church. Nothing was ever done and never talked about again until I confronted my mother.

Today while at work, I realized who I was. I broke down and started to cry.

Why me?

DT

I was shocked to see the JW story on Dateline. Not shocked at what happened but shocked at the fact that their are so many others that went through the same thing with the elders that I did. My father sexually molested me at the age of 13 and went to the elders. The elders came to our house and we had a meeting about it. I'm sure they thought I was too young to understand but they asked my dad questions that lead them to the conclusion that I seduced him (he did not answer the questions truthfully) and that is why he did what he did. When I wanted to speak up and tell them that it wasn't true, they silenced me as of I was being disrespectful. Next they asked me if I had told anyone, I told them no---which wasn't true, (one of the elders' daughter was my best friend and she told me of the physical and verbal abuse she was going through at home while I mentioned the sexual abuse). Anyway, they said, "Good. Don't tell anyone". Mr. Bowen this was 17 years ago but the pain is still there. At that time we attended a congregation in Lansing , Michigan . At the age of about 21, I finally began to question my dad's punishment. I saw on television where sexual molesters were going to prison, but all that happened to my dad was a little spank on his hand. He could not give talks and say the prayer at any place the congregation gathered---but of course this punishment was lifted after a few months. But they disfellowshipped my mom for smoking. I could not understand it and still don't. This experience is the main reason why I am not a JW today. It seems as if JWs have a warped perception of sin. Sin is sin. So how can one sin have a heavier punishment than another? Regardless of how that punishment was suppose to "cure" my dad, he continued to molest me until I left home after graduation and moved in with my aunt and uncle. Do you think he ever went back to the elders and received more punishment? Of course not! But I must tell you that he is now an elder at a small congregation in Alabama and my mom is still disfellowshipped. Thank you for being an advocate for children and adults that have or are going through this awful ordeal. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you accomplish your goal.

Thank you,

DG

I was raised as a JW. My mom was a witness, my father a Catholic. My life was a constant fight between my parents. Every day I woke up to fighting over religion. My father was physically abusive to my mother, slapping and hitting her done on a regular basis. My mother tried to leave him but the brothers told her she had to go back to him as that was what Jehovah wanted her to do. As I got older I would leave, many times I would beg my mother to leave, but she always went back thinking It was Jehovah's will. She was an Artist.He cut up her pictures with a butcher knife. He left her laying In the snow when my sister was being born two months early because of his abuse to her. I called the police many times but they would come out to the house,my father would go out and talk to them and they would leave, never doing anything. Not being able to stand this all the time I would leave. Get a job, do anything to get away from the fighting. My mother said, "I guess I will have to die to get away from him." That's exactly what she did. She came down with Leukemia, she refused to take blood and she died. I could tell a lot more.

The more I could tell starts with I became a baptized witness and the story goes on for many more years . I am no longer a Witness but It is a sad story.

DG

My story is relevant to all of the stories on your site. I also am 28 yrs. old. My mother first heard of the TRUTH at age 15, but due to a very traumatic childhood, moved around a lot and didn't pick up on the JW's again for years. She became pregnant at 16 & married my father. She had me at age 17. When I was about 4 or 5, some sisters came to our door and my father was about to close the door on them when my mother came out asking him to let them in. My mother started studying and shortly afterwards became a JW. My father also studied but decided this was not for him. Shortly afterward, my father left us. He said that it was because of the religion. Although my mother had become a better mother & wife, she wouldn't go to R rated movies or the bars any more. He also has always said that he believed if there was any such thing as the Truth, the Witnesses probably had the closest thing to it. He just didn't want to make the lifestyle changes.

Eight years later, my mother finally married a brother and moved me out of state to be with him. That's when all hell broke lose. I was a pretty good Witness until then. My step father was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive to my mother and even my step brothers. He didn't bother with me much. I think mostly because when they married, I threatened him that if he ever laid a hand on me, he'd get it from my father. I must have sensed it in him. Child's intuition.

I became sexually promiscuous and was reprimanded several times. I was publicly reproved. I got better and gained my privileges back and was baptized at 16. I pioneered for a while. Then I got involved with boys

again. At 18, right after graduation, my mother found out about a long term relationship and basically gave me an ultimatum to dump him or get out.

Well, by this point, I was tired of living a double life and tired of the abuse of my mother. I left. A couple of months later, I finally met with the judicial committee and was disfellowshipped. They asked tremendously personal questions regarding my sexual relations. Shortly afterwards, mother ended up moving in with my live in boyfriend and I, after her husband falsely accused her of physical abuse and called the police, which resulted in her arrest. Mind you, my mother never called the police on him on the many occasions he beat her. The elders never did anything. It was his word against hers. She finally left that congregation & my step father. She

keeps wavering back & forth and I feel she suffers long term permanent mental depression as a result.

I always thought it was interesting that I was disfellowshipped for committing fornication, which was not against MAN's law and didn't affect anybody but my partner and I, but did not disfellowship my step father for physical abuse, which is against the law. Just wanted to share my story, I've left out a lot for the sake of time. I can say that since I left the organization, I've been happier than ever. I have a wonderful husband and step daughters.

AC

I watched in horror last night on TV about Jehovah's Witnesses molesting and rape of children and that's how I found this web site.

I was a Jehovah's Witness and my husband still is. He just warned me not to talk about Jehovah's Witnesses, are we not aloud free speech? I thought we lived in America .

I hate what I have read here and I know it is true because I am a victim of it. I was disfellowshipped years ago. Can you imagine? I suffered ten years went to the brothers many times and begged for help. I couldn't endure going to the assemblies I had crying spells and sleepless nights and when I could no longer tolerate being around people I quit going. I then went for medical help. I put bows in my dog's hair red and green thread and it was Christmas time the circuit servant came to my house saw it and I got disfellowshipped, so did my husband because he was supposed to be head of the house, he did nothing wrong and I was a basket case. My husband got disfellowshipped because of me I was mentally distraught that I caused that to happen. My husband got leukemia and went back and is reinstated now for five years. He was afraid he would die and not get into Gods new Kingdom he tells me I will die and never get into Gods Kingdom . You know, I don't want in his kingdom of molesters, and liars, and cheats.

I spent ten years getting well from the world of Satan they say, and I am recovered from my mental disorders, it is funny to think that when I was in that organization I had gave my title to my car to a brother and he stole it nothing they could do two or more witnesses were not present it was considered my fault I should have had a contract and I was too trusting. That brother has a bad reputation in this small town if he gets in Gods Kingdom and he makes it, then with my good heart I surely will make it too.

I feel Jehovah's Witnesses are brain washed and burdened to do what they say. I heard my husband knock the Catholic church for child molesting since the case came to the news well I told him it is everywhere , he said not in Gods organization. So when I saw Dateline on TV I told him and he was in shock. He talked to the brothers today about it and they said it was not handled that way I could have told him they would say that. Not one of Jehovah's Witnesses will ever believe these stories here. Why? Because we are taught not to and it is a unforgivable sin to talk against Gods name so they are scared like my husband is scared for me because if I say the truth I could get destroyed.

So I wondered how so many of you wrote I know how scared you must have been to tell the truth. Most of Jehovah's Witnesses will say that you were disfellowshipped and no longer in God's favor so you are lying and most of JW's will run from this site. I hope you will learn the real truth because the truth will set you FREE.

SS

Over the past few months and prior to the Dateline airing, I was looking for ways to shore up my faith in the Organization, pioneering going in service etc. In the process, I stumbled across your site. The Silent lambs site provides a forum for victims of abuse and hopefully in the process they will begin to heal. It is my hope, they will find a "GOOD" counselor to assist them as recovery most likely will not happen without it.

I have wished, as it appears has been the case with many, to observe and learn and remain unnoticed. Isn't it odd that a person who wishes to see injustices rectified would wish to remain on the sidelines? Impossible, for the truth does not and cannot come from voices of silence. Jehovah's Witnesses, from my history, have long been truth seekers, or so I always thought. That was certainly the case with me. On the flip side, those who remain silent no doubt recognize, whether on a cognitive or instinctive level, that they may well be at risk for coming forward.

Many statements posted on the silent lambs site are evidence of great pain. However, the anger, understandable, comes through and at times discredits the person who has been victimized. However, I now write this because of the statements I have read which are focused, not simply out of anger and a "your finally going to get yours WTS attitude. I write this in support of the truth, regardless of possible consequences.

Though the abuses I myself reported were not sexual abuse, I did report the physical abuse of my children, over a period of many years. Indeed, and apparently true to form, was the council given to me that it must be at the mouth of two or more witnesses. When I asked the brothers to talk to my children, this was refused. Now to the point, I started seeing a therapist. Due to insurance issues I had to change counselors, three times. All three reported my husband to DHR for not only past, but continued physical assault of my children. Sad? Unimaginably so. I left my husband the day he grabbed my daughter around the throat. Less than a month after I separated, I was at the Circuit Assembly with my kids. Brother XXXXXXX, Circuit Overseer in XXXXXXX , came to me and rebuked me for turning my husband in. He said, "Sister XXXXX, I was sorry to hear of your troubles but to bring in the authorities, people of the world, that was the wrong thing to do. This should be handled by the brothers". Several months later when he was serving our congregation, he met with my husband and I along with the brothers who served on my husbands judicial hearing. ( my husband was removed from serving ) At this meeting I was told that if my husband committed adultery that Jehovah would hold me equally responsible as my husband was being denied his marital due. I was told "under no circumstances are you to discuss your husband or the abuse any further outside the confines of "this room" and that his report to the Society would reflect this admonition.

There is much along this line I could share with you. I am only presenting this to you in the event you would like or need me to provide a detailed account in support of your truth seeking efforts.

GB

I was a Jehovah's Witness from the time my parents "found the truth" when I was 5 years old (1946) until late 1980. By-the-way, I was disfellowshipped for smoking.

Unfortunately, I was in an abusive relationship with my first husband, also a Jehovah's Witness who beat me up starting with the night before our wedding, on a regular basis from 1962 to 1980. There were many times I had to be seen with black eyes, bruises on my neck and other parts of my body and had to make excuses (lies) to protect him because what he might do.

When I went to the president Overseer at my local congregation and other members of "the committee", there refused to do anything about it saying it was a domestic issue which they did not want to get involved in!!!

I was glad when I was "kicked out" in 1980, but unfortunately, my oldest daughter who is still a Jehovah's Witness and her two children will have absolutely nothing to do with me.

A battered 'ex-lamb'

JC

I don't really know how to begin but it seems lately this keeps coming to the forefront. It began when I was just 9 years old. My father (an elder) had gotten on to me because he had found out that I liked a boy in my class at school. I was beaten with a belt. Then taken to my room so he could "explain" where I was going wrong. I was told that I needed to study the scriptures more and have a closer relationship with Jehovah. I was read the scripture where it says to "honor your father and mother" at this point my father touched me sexually for the first time. Within a couple of months it then turned into rape. Every time I tried to tell him that this was not right I was told I needed a closer relationship with Jehovah. This continued until I was almost 15 years old.

When I was 13 I turned to an elder that I trusted and his wife. They told me "if this is the way your dad expects honor you are to do it and Jehovah will work it out in his own time. Leave it "all to Jehovah." When I said I did not see how Jehovah would approve of this, I was then reprimanded for not having faith. The same elder sat on my judicial committee when I got fed up with the organization and decided to leave. I decided to walk away after my father (still an elder) shattered my jaw for speaking up about the organization and why I didn't feel it was the truth. That same elder plus two more told me that my father was doing what he felt he had to do to keep me in line with the truth. I was reprimanded while sitting in the living room of the house where the rape occurred and nothing was said to him. He was right and I was wrong.

Funny how elders stick together, it was the same 3 that met with me when I disassociated my self. I have not regretted that decision. Thank you for listening nice to know I'm not alone in this.

TW

This couldn't have come to the people's attention at a more applicable time in my life. I was born into a Jehovah's Witness family 36 years ago. I

reside in British Columbia.

I've been crying "help me" to the elders for 20 years now for sexual abuse I received from brothers (including one elder) when I was in my early teens.

I didn't necessarily want these ones punished severely, or even legally; I just wanted to be acknowledged, affirmed, listened to, and understood, by the "shepherds" in the congregation. Instead I was made to feel like a liar; or, that I somehow was a deceptive person trying to cause some sort of trouble for the congregation. I have spent my life feeling, quite literally, CRAZY over what has happened. Sometimes I doubted my own recollections - did my mind just dream the whole thing up? I moved to different congregations, trying to be heard - there had to be one elder out there who'd understand. If there was, I didn't find him.

Recently, but before the Dateline episode, (which, by the way, I did not

see), I decided I could no longer take the guilt, tormented spirit, along with the related depression, and opted to commit "spiritual suicide". I

feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can now believe in myself, and know what happened really did happen, and have confidence that I am not CRAZY. I am free to talk about it, deal with it, and get on with it - instead of sweeping the pain away by thinking and acting NUTS! All I wanted was to be believed - not made to feel unheard and a liar - when the brothers denied what they had done.

I can understand not wanting to falsely accuse someone of something they did not do. But tell me this, why would a victim want to come before the elders to tell them what has happened - something so intimate - just to be made to feel that they are problem-causers, liars, or whatever, when the other party denies it? Never mind who's going to confess to sins when their confidentiality may become an issue - most of the guilty are going to deny it regardless. These are the ones doing the wrong. By being capable of

doing this wrong in the first place, most obviously have no conscience left - so why would they confess sins? Why hush the victims, make them feel like they are the problem, and then leave them feeling like Jehovah no longer

cares for them, or that they are somehow to blame.

I also know of a case of incest that was grossly covered up by the organization.

While residing in Ontario, a witness father (an elder) had a baby with his 17-year-old daughter. The child of the incest is now in her 30's. Shortly after she was born and in was becoming public knowledge in Ontario, the family moved out to BC, where the daughter (and grand-daughter/daughter)

even lived in the same residence with the rest of the family.

This secret was kept for 15 years until it came out during a family member's divorce/custody proceedings. Even the child wasn't told the truth of her parentage. She found out through her younger cousin - a child who learned of it during the determination of custody in her parent's divorce.

In the meantime, though, it was so covered up this man became an elder again. They even became FOSTER PARENTS! The victim once told me she can remember it happening when she was in diapers and that her father would molest her even while out in field service. And she was disfellowshipped for her role!!

Thanks for the opportunity to vent - finally!!!

RP

I met Don in the congregation and we dated and eventually married. Everyone loved him. The abuse started within months and the elders only told me to be a submissive wife. "Read the articles on how to be a good wife"... Like it was my fault. Then I found out thru his ex-wife that he had abused her too while she was pregnant and the elders in that congregation were aware of it. After one episode I went to an elders wife and she got out WT bound volumes for me. I was dizzy from being slammed against the wall. Didn't matter. She gave me the 'good wife' speech. Now I learn that she was battered by her husband also who is still serving in the M, Ohio congregation. Our last fight occurred in the kingdom hall. I was there with some of the elders and we were painting the hall and Don drove the truck past the hall. He stalked me everywhere I went. I knew he would come in. He did. He blocked my car so I couldn't get out. I begged the elders not to let him in but they said they had to. As it all turned out, I had had enough. I was done. Couldn't take it anymore. I got out my pocket knife that I had with me that I used at work and opened it in my pocket. Kept my hand on it. Promised myself that if he so much as touched me I would go for his throat. They let him in, he touched my shoulder, I put the knife to his neck and told him I wanted his blood. I backed him to the door giving him the opportunity to leave but he pushed me back around the corner and down the hall. One elder tried to separate us and then Don threw him against the wall. I tried to stab him in the neck but he picked me up and the knife went into his shoulder. He threw me against the wall and knocked me out. They didn't want the police contacted. I did anyway. I didn't get anything. He got five years probation. I'm disfellowshipped. He isn't.

PO

All these stories, have one theme in common with mine. ABUSE An turning a blind eye to it will not make it stop. Telling our children and parents to "KEEP SILENT" only opens the door for the violator to continue his /or her crimes undeterred and undetected. Jehovah cannot be reproached by something men do. But the ORGANIZATION can be 'torn' apart which may not be such a terrible thing. What does the Bible state about things done in Secret? That they shall soon be brought to Light. An once they are it doesn't say IGNORE them.

I too, have felt the pain of being raised in an environment of abuse. My mother was a JW was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. My step father would use the bible verses to his benefit and allow the abuse of beatings to continue. Encourage them by stories and emotionally abuse his children and me who was consider not to be his child due to me coming from a previous marriage. Then he would demand servitude.

For us to SUBMIT to him in all things b/c he was the head of house and the bible stated so. But for a woman ( the weaker vessel, which is not true. We are the GENTLE Sex yes but I would like to see them endure what women do w/out cracking. ) to submit there must be trust and trustworthiness from the spouse. An in a environment like this no wonder relationships destruct, you cannot abuse someone and then expect them to submit to you. JW's are a major contradiction and the ORGANIZATION needs severe changes.

But that is not going to happen unless they are forced to ! Elders should be held accountable for their decisions and their blind eye to the abuses that have occurred and the poor souls who go to them for comfort, protection and safety. ONLY to be betrayed and our lives destroyed. So their lies and cover ups continue on.

I say to you NO! Yes we speak up in forums and finally have gone public to a point. But unless we take these things to their conclusion and make them change their codes of silence ! then we are allowing them to continue to abuse others. An creating more pain for others. THIS CYCLE MUST STOP! An we need to heal ourselves by helping others survive too.

Thank you for allowing me to vent and hopefully encourage others to think for themselves and not what is force fed to them.

God Bless.

SP.

I am a former JW who was abused. I want to tell everyone that THIS IS A CULT,, a haven for pedophiles to be exact. I was abused for years by my step-father. When my mother found out, she brought it to the attention of the Elders. They told her to forgive and he would repent ect... I was fortunate. My mother realized that that was NONSENSE!! Pedophiles are sick and need to be away from children. Any organization that teaches that they have the "TRUTH" and everyone else is "Worldly" is only seeking to alienated. A cult alienates people from family, friends, and society. It seeks to make women subservient and teach them to keep their mouths shut. They spout bible scripture out of context an to their own agendas. I have read the articles on this website and it seems to me, that even though people are coming forward, they still have not shaken this cult mentality. This religion is not the truth. Jesus talked to people of all walks of life, the poor, the hookers, everyone. This religion teaches you to only associate with others in "the truth", or rather, others that are programmed too. My mother left the cult and was disfellowshipped. Even her own mother refuses to speak to her to this day! That is not love. That is Evil. Since then, several of her former sisters have came forward that their children were abused also, one of them an Elders daughter! All were handled the same, cover it up, make peace and forgive.

I say to all woman, Wake Up, this is a CULT!!!! break free, be disfellowshipped!!! This an evil organization set up by MAN, PEDOPHILES!!!!!!!! A panel of all male Elders!!HA>>> DONT BE BLIND LITTLE LAMBS. JESUS AND GOD ARE ALL AROUND US AND THEY DO NOT APPROVE OF HOW THIS RELIGION HAS WARPED THEIR TEACHINGS!!! LEAVE THIS CULT NOW> CHILD MOLESTORS DO NOT STOP!! YOU MUST STOP THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VT

Hi my name is A and I live in Alaska. I was a Jehovah's Witness for almost 10 years. That all changed when my sister and I were both molested by a man that was our step-father. Yes, the congregation did nothing to help us and everything to hide it. They shamed us for going to the law and turing him in and not once still to this day 6 years later came to see how we (our family is doing) and we still live in the same house. I think that the Jehovah's Witness Congregations have no shame in Child Molesters in fact they welcome them with open arms saying if they ask God to forgive them then they are good people. There is something wrong with that and it needs to be stopped they are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites that say on thing and do the other. It is not Gods will that they hide this stuff from the law God wants these kinds of people stopped. He dose not want to see his people getting hurt and that is what these people did to me. They hurt me beyond repair. I don't think I will ever be able to get over what happened to me or how I was treated. They even tried to tell my mom that she could not divorce this man that molested her own children that it was not biblical grounds. What a bunch of CRAP. I hate that man and always will and I hate everybody that shunned me for doing the right thing!!! I spoke out and got punished by them for it but you know what there time will come when every elder or congregation leader will be punished for the wrong doings that they are doing by hiding it. And I will never return to a Jehovah Congregation again. The Alaska Kingdom Hall blew it for me. I love Jehovah don't get me wrong I just don't think I agree with the way things of importance are handled. I believe that you can worship God on your own and that he judges your heart. So, that was my story (the short one, anyways.

A D

I don't know if you want to hear from me or not but I decided to write anyway. I have not lead the life of service that you have, albeit I was at one time a practicing Witness. My former husband had been brought up a Witness but had been "away" from it when I met him. I was raising 2 boys on my own at the time. I had become a member of alcoholic anonymous and was trying to turn my life & my boys lives around when I met P. He too was a member of A.A. I met him at a meeting. When I met P I wanted so desperately for my boys to have a "normal" life, they needed a male influence. P, had mentioned to me that he had been a Witness, but he had been "disfellowshipped" for smoking. I had no idea what that meant at the time. To me worshiping God meant going to church & enjoying the Mass on Sunday. I wanted that for my boys. I had no idea what I was getting into. P & I lived together, then married. After we married he started pushing the issue of going back to the Kingdom Hall. I liked the idea because I thought it would help us to meet friends & give the boys a religious foundation. We started going to meetings, but it wasn't like I had thought it would be. They shunned P, I didn't understand this at first. P, said everything would be OK, as soon as he was reinstated. Soon he was "reinstated," after that P started saying," if we're all not Witnesses this marriage won't work, this won't be a real family, etc." I have to admit I really didn't want any part of the Witnesses, I didn't like the way I was treated, it felt like I was in a communist country, very hush hush. I had to be so careful what I said & did. I was told I would transform into a good Witness and I would live forever. It wasn't what I wanted, this was not the life I wanted. P kept pushing. We started having bible meetings at my house,going out in field service & only Witness friends. I didn't have any friends, I gave up most of my worldly friends. I must go back to the beginning now to help you understand what was happening in my relationship with P. When we first were together, the very beginning, everything seemed fine with P. What I mean by that is he seemed like a great guy. Even thought we both had alcohol problems in the past, the A.A. program & our support of each other put us both on the right track. P, had spent a few years in prison due to his use & abuse of alcohol. He was now 30 yrs old & had never married when I met him. Please bear with me I know I'm bouncing back & forth, but it will come together. After we married P, became distant, in our intimacy. I asked if anything was wrong & he said, "No, just tired." It became worse & worse if I tried to have relations with my husband he would accuse me of being too sexual or pushy. I started wondering if this was part of the religion, maybe sex wasn't something they liked either! But he said no it had nothing to do with that & read passages in the bible about being a good & obedient wife etc. We moved to a Apt. and P, took a job as superintendent there. It was a large complex and a good opportunity for us to save some money. More & more P became obsessed with being a good & "Perfect" Witness. He would badger me about getting baptized and being a good Witness. It got so that if I said "darn" he would admonish me & tell me not to say that because it was too close to "dam." I tried so hard to be what he wanted. I went to the meetings, had the studies at my home went out in field service, my children were involved. Our intimate life grew worse. P, would make all kinds of excuses not to be intimate with me. He called me a whore for wanting to make love to him, my husband. We were now married about a year. I thought maybe having a child would help. I had to beg him to have relations with me so I could get pregnant, what I fool I was. Well, 9 months later I had my 3rd. son. Of course, it didn't help our situation at all. It was around this time I started waking up in the middle of the night. I noticed Paul, wasn't beside me in bed. I could see the T.V. was on and I saw P sitting on the floor of our bedroom. I peeked up over the covers to see what he was doing., he was masturbating to the girls on the T.V.! I was shocked. He wanted nothing to do with me, yet here he was doing that, and I his wife was right there in bed. I didn't say anything to him, I thought maybe it was just one of those things. It Wasn't! After that incident I became more aware of his disappearance from our bed at night, doing the same thing I saw the first time. I finally got up the nerve to confront him. I asked him why he would do that and not want to be with me his wife. I had questioned myself so much about why he didn't want me anymore. I thought it was me. I tried to always look my best and dress well & keep my weight trim, I blamed myself. He said to stop worrying about it, it was just a phase he was going through. P said," lets get down on our knees & pray to Jehovah, for forgiveness & guidance." We did. P continued to push me toward baptism, he said it would help with our problems. He would have a more "solid" relationship with me if I was baptized. I finally relented & was baptized. I had no idea what "hell" was ahead for me. The kids seemed to be doing well, They had made friends and were fitting in. P was by all appearances a good father to them. Everyone that thought they knew us, & looked at us as a good "Witness family," happy well adjusted and doing all the right things. But our relationship was falling apart. P would become angry easily. He even went so far as to put his hands around my throat, he became so enraged at times. We now had a nonexistent intimate life. I would get up at night & find that P wasn't even in the apartment. I didn't find this suspicious at fist, He was the superintendent & sometimes had to go out to fix things in the buildings at night. But with the frequency of his disappearances I became more suspicious. I waited one night until I felt him slip out of bed. He went out & I followed him, slipping around the dark corners of the apartment buildings. I saw him in the bushes slightly hidden, standing on a pipe that was sticking out of the ground. I stood in the dark watching him, wondering what he was doing. Then I realized, what he was doing. he was maturating while peeping in someone's window. I was in shock, I couldn't move. My head was swirling, MY GOD! What innocent person is in that room? What if he was caught, my kids what would I tell them? Who is this man I married this man who stuffed this religion down my throat until I gagged. While he acted the holy roller. This can't be happening. But it was. I called to him & he stood there with a shocked look on his face. What are YOU doing here? he demanded to know. I asked him, why? What is going on? He said lets go & get on our knees & pray to Jehovah for forgiveness & guidance, and don't tell anyone! Jehovah will help us. Well, for approximately a year after that I followed him at all hours of the night, after he'd slip out of bed. I'd find him in front of someone's window masturbating. We'd go home he'd get on his knees & pray. I would come home from work and find him in the bedroom with porno pictures. He tried to become more clever in his sick perversion. He would go to the city to peep shows. I would find the to ken s in his pockets. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I wanted so desperately to tell someone. I was embarrassed & afraid. I finally told my mother, she was shocked. I begged P during this time to get help. To go to a psychologist. I asked him to go to therapy with me or by himself. he wouldn't. He said Jehovah, would help. Pray Pray.......... I trusted no one in the Truth. One brother that had known P for a while was constantly complaining that everyone came to him for help, he had no time for himself or his family. He was always complaining. I only knew one brother that I felt I could tell this story too. He was a ministerial servant. I called him and asked him to come to my apartment. I told him everything that had happened and he was very understanding. he said that of course he would have to go to the elders, I said I understood that. The next day one of the Elders, called me. They asked if P, was there, he was. He came to my apartment and asked him if these things I was saying were true, P admitted it. The Elder said he would come back to my house with other elders to discuss the situation with us. 5 Elders came to my home. We sat around my table. The Elder that had only the week before complained & groaned about how busy he was, was quite miffed that I hadn't come to him first with this problem! His concern was not for us but his ego was bruised. Another Elder that had spoken to the Elders from the Brooklyn congregation that P had grown up in, asked, "P, weren't you disfellowshipped once?" P answered, "Yes." And that was for smoking wasn't it? ",Yes"he answered. And also weren't you spoken to by the Elders there for this same type of conduct when you were living in Brooklyn! I was stunned when P answered yes. He had been living this perverted life style for years before I ever knew him, and they knew about it. I was enraged that no one did anything, that this behavior went on unchecked without professional help. P, lied to me. Our marriage was a sham. All the kneeling & praying & secrecy. After that meeting P was not allowed to answer at meetings for a period of time. That was it. Never did a single Elder come up to me & ask if I needed to talk, or recommend professional help. I was a mess. A year without much sleep had taken it's toll. I left P. I was later disfellowshipped. I wasn't allowed to attend my own sons wedding. I wanted to commit suicide. I had a breakdown. P died a few years ago, he went back to drinking. Maybe, I am weak. Maybe, I am not deserving of the Kingdom that they speak of. All I can say is this. If that Kingdom They speak of is full of the Witnesses I have known, I don't want to be there. I blame them for not helping P, when he was a young man. I blame them for allowing P to hide his sickness. I blame them for the loss of my family. It has taken me years to recover, I am still working at it. Thanks for listening, PT

Just wanted to say thank you for making this site and I wish to tell my story, it relates to my father was always a witness and as a child he molested me once. I don't understand why and it still upsets me still even though I am an adult. When I confronted him about it as a teenager he called me a liar. He now serves as a presiding overseer.

I tried to be a good Jehovah's Witness in my early adulthood but I was married to an abusive man, the elders told me to stay married in spite of the abuse. They also told me if I was more submissive he would hit me less. Even when child protective services got involved because of his abuse of our children, I was told to stay with him, if I prayed more and was more submissive Jehovah would help me. It was then I left my husband anyway and about a year later I left the organization.

I was talking to my cousin who is still a witness the other day she told me that my dad tells her at meetings to spank her daughter or slap her mouth when she talks at meetings.(her daughter is only 3) I can't help to think about all the young children that are forced to sit still for hours at a time and told to be quite or they will be hit. These children are too young to understand what is being said let alone comprehend it. If you were to ask a witness why, they will say the bible says to train a child from infancy. Can't you do this in a way the child can understand and make the subject and time studying with them age appropriate? Isn't this too child abuse? Thanks for letting me share my story

MN

Greetings! I am a witness of Jehovah God, but I haven't been in a Kingdom Hall for almost a year. I dedicated my life to Jehovah 17 years previously; I am 36 years old. In 1988 I married a 'brother.' Our marriage lasted three months. He sexually abused my then four year old son. When he took my son and disappeared for a week, I called the Elders and asked what to do (I wanted to notify the authorities)? They said do NOT call the police, that he would return. Yes, he returned with my little boy whom he had sexually abused. He, himself, had been abused by an JW uncle when he was a little boy. A month later our marriage fell apart because he committed fornication with a young sister and was eventually disfellowshipped. I divorced him. After 9 years of singleness I married again; This time to a man who isn't a baptized witness; Though I know the Apostle Paul's admonition to "only marry in the Lord," I don't feel I married very far out from it. My current husband of five years has listened attentively and has accepted all that Jehovah's organization puts upon us (no holiday's, smoking etc.;) except he cannot understand the cruel shunning that's occurred toward me since our marriage. He's also been shunned quiet cruelly, too. I firmly believe Jehovah provided this kind and loving man for me; though I do admit some times have been difficult, it's mostly been from being shunned and not receiving the emotional/spiritual support we all need from our brothers/sisters. My son has stumbled and left the organization because of this behavior. I still love my God Jehovah very deeply; And I know this "System of things" will not be here much longer. I'm also firmly convinced of my hope and what Jehovah has chosen me for. I'm sorry that individuals who have been hurt by others imperfections/evil intentions were so stumbled they can no longer tolerate Jehovah's organization; But ultimately, it is not Jehovah's organization that will be saving people---it is only Jehovah. And "waiting on Jehovah" does not mean you don't take action to protect yourself or your loved ones--it means waiting for his Kingdom, and His assigned Ruler, Jesus Christ, to bring an end to a perverted, disgustingly sick system. Faith, having that faith means knowing that Jehovah cannot lie, and that the one carrying on unrighteousness will not be allowed to exist in that wonderful place. No one should be allowed to separate our love from Jehovah..............NO ONE! My love goes to all those who have been so terribly affected by such cruel abuses; Please get treatment ASAP! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is most amenable to treatment early.

L.C.

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

 

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