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Abused Lambs                                                        Page 7

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Poems and Thoughts

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

 

I saw the show and was stunned. Then my memories kicked in. I was born into the "truth" in 1955. Growing up, I learned quickly not to question the JW beliefs and to do what I was told without question. My dad was always an elder and mom was always pioneering off and on. The three of us girls were expected to be model JW's and set an example for all the other children in the congregation. Mom used to beat us girls with whatever she could get her hands on. That meant hangers, belts, wooden spoons, brooms, yardsticks or whatever was available. Dad was always busy with his elder duties although he would sometimes administer a belt spanking. I remember one time not wanting to go out in "service" because I didn't feel like it and being told I would get severely spanked if I didn't get ready. That was hard because I didn't feel like I should have to go if I didn't sincerely want to preach which I didn't. I went though to avoid being punished.

When I was 16, I got raped by a "worldly man". My dad's first question was," What were you doing alone with him?" and he was rather angry. Next thing I know, I am being interrogated by a committee of 3 men who want to know all the details of every time I was around this guy and what did I do to entice him and make him act that way? They also wanted to make sure that I hadn't committed fornication and that I had indeed been forcibly raped. The police were called and the guy was arrested. The further humiliation happened when I went to the doctor. The doctor said if I was pregnant that I could have an abortion. My parents were horrified and insisted that if I were, I would continue the pregnancy. Nobody asked me what I wanted. I was horrified to think that I at 16 would have to raise a child out of wedlock conceived in rape and that would be just dandy by my parents. Fortunately, I was not pregnant b! ut I was never the same after the rape. Of course, counseling was forbidden. I withdrew, became depressed and my grades dropped. I dropped out of school believing that would lead nowhere as I had been taught that higher education is not beneficial. So I became a pioneer in hopes that would help straighten me out and give me the right attitude because I just hadn't been a very good daughter and now I was no longer a virgin. At 17, I began to become involved with boys and soon was found out and publicly reproved. At that point, my father called me a slut and whore and said that if I didn't stop my behavior, I would end up being a prostitute and that he would be happy to show me where they all hang out and what happens to women like that. I wondered how he knew where they were. Eventually, I was disfellowshipped for fornication.

At 18, I decided to come back to the "organization". I met a nice JW guy and married him after only knowing him 2 months. 2 days after we got married, he slapped me hard enough to knock my glasses off and knock me flat on my back. The abuse continued for nearly 10 years. During that marriage, he hit me repeatedly giving me numerous black eyes and bruises and trips to the doctor to make sure bones weren't broken. He raped me. He forced me to have sex with him at knife point. He tore my clothes off me one time when I didn't feel like having sex and forced me. He hit me when I was pregnant. The first year or so, I was just shocked and afraid. Then I got more bold and turned him into the elders numerous times. I was told to be more obedient and to continue serving Jehovah. He was told to stop hitting which he didn't. Eventually, I was disfellowshipped twice more and at 25 never came back.; He was disfellowshipped too. By 25, I had 3 children. Eventually, he began beating the kids. With each child, I had to threaten him with the cops if I saw another bruise on them. Mercifully he stopped but took it out more on me.

During this marriage, my parents became aware of his violence and only spoke to him about not acting that way. I was informed that I had no grounds for divorce despite the violence. I felt so stuck but finally went to counseling in which I was finally told that as long as he continued this violence, the marriage was no good. Shortly after that, I was able to get a divorce and get out of the marriage and away from this man.

My parents never helped me after I stated that I was not interested in being a JW ever again. My mom did apologize about not helping me out more during that marriage with her excuse being that because I was disfellowshipped, they just couldn't. I find it very disturbing that in the name of religion or Jehovah or whatever, that a parent won't help a child who needs some support. "Worldly people" have helped me out continuously in many ways more profoundly "christian" or neighborly than JW's ever have. It's amazing how many lies I have debunked that I was taught as a good little JW girl. Life is good now and I am a pagan and very happy. Thank you, Mr. Bowen, for truly living the truth and not permitting lies to exist in your world. Hopefully your efforts will change the organization. Child molesters cannot be allowed to go free and how they can be accepted in the congregations are beyond me. As far as I'm concerned, JW's are perpetuating the cycle of sexual abuse and violence by their "don't tell" attitude. It makes me very uncomfortable that my dad being an elder is part of this cycle.

Blessings to all those who have suffered this religious abuse, sexual abuse and violence. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,

SV


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I am currently not practicing as a JW because when I told the woman who was studying with me as a teenager, that I was still being sexually molested by my father she did nothing. I stayed in my abusive home for another year.

My grandmother on my father's side was one of the anointed. When I was 10 Months old she died and was talked about my whole life as the perfect example of what a loving JW's is. I am not sure about that myself because she raised my father to be a pedophile. I was sexually and emotionally abused through the age of 17. Being a witness was a on and off part of my whole childhood. My father was able to Wow most persons in the truth when we would come to the meetings. He had so much knowledge about the truth they didn't question him. He would be the perfect example when he was at the meetings and then come back home and abuse the family.

My father was disfellowshipped when I was 16 for his drinking, even though the elders knew about the abuse happening in the home. It has taken me years to separate myself from these sick people.

Then I was "helped" by moving in with a woman and her five children after graduation. This women and her children were considered good members of the congregation. Two of her older daughters had been auxiliary pioneers for quite a while.

When I was in this home the mother of the children was so emotionally abusive it took me years to recuperate from the experience. I finally got out of that situation when I had told the elders time and time again about my family and how badly I was being treated in this family too.

I finally escaped the congregation when I ended up in a group home at the age of 21. I haven't gone back because I just can't deal with the people who stood by and let me be so abused as a teenager and a young adult.

KB


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Greetings! I am a witness of Jehovah God, but I haven't been in a Kingdom Hall for almost a year. I dedicated my life to Jehovah 17 years previously; I am 36 years old. In 1988 I married a 'brother.' Our marriage lasted three months. He sexually abused my then four year old son. When he took my son and disappeared for a week, I called the Elders and asked what to do (I wanted to notify the authorities)? They said do NOT call the police, that he would return. Yes, he returned with my little boy whom he had sexually abused. He, himself, had been abused by an JW uncle when he was a little boy. A month later our marriage fell apart because he committed fornication with a young sister and was eventually disfellowshipped. I divorced him. After 9 years of singleness I married again; This time to a man who isn't a baptized witness; Though I know the Apostle Paul's admonition to "only marry in the Lord," I don't feel I married very far out from it. My current husband of five years has listened attentively and has accepted all that Jehovah's organization puts upon us (no holiday's, smoking etc.;) except he cannot understand the cruel shunning that's occurred toward me since our marriage. He's also been shunned quiet cruelly, too. I firmly believe Jehovah provided this kind and loving man for me; though I do admit some times have been difficult, it's mostly been from being shunned and not receiving the emotional/spiritual support we all need from our brothers/sisters. My son has stumbled and left the organization because of this behavior. I still love my God Jehovah very deeply; And I know this "System of things" will not be here much longer. I'm also firmly convinced of my hope and what Jehovah has chosen me for. I'm sorry that individuals who have been hurt by others imperfections/evil intentions were so stumbled they can no longer tolerate Jehovah's organization; But ultimately, it is not Jehovah's organization that will be saving people-------it is only Jehovah. And "waiting on Jehovah" does not mean you don't take action to protect yourself or your loved ones------it means waiting for his Kingdom, and His assigned Ruler, Jesus Christ, to bring an end to a perverted, disgustingly sick system. Faith, having that faith means knowing that Jehovah cannot lie, and that the one carrying on unrighteousness will not be allowed to exist in that wonderful place. No one should be allowed to separate our love from Jehovah..............NO ONE! My love goes to all those who have been so terribly affected by such cruel abuses; Please get treatment ASAP! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is most amenable to treatment early.

 

L.C.


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I don't know if you want to hear from me or not but I decided to write anyway. I have not lead the life of service that you have, albeit I was at one time a practicing Witness. My former husband had been brought up a Witness but had been "away" from it when I met him. I was raising 2 boys on my own at the time. I had become a member of alcoholic anonymous and was trying to turn my life & my boys lives around when I met P. He too was a member of A.A. I met him at a meeting. When I met P I wanted so desperately for my boys to have a "normal" life, they needed a male influence. P, had mentioned to me that he had been a Witness, but he had been "disfellowshipped" for smoking. I had no idea what that meant at the time. To me worshiping God meant going to church & enjoying the Mass on Sunday. I wanted that for my boys. I had no idea what I was getting into. P & I lived together, then married. After we married he started pushing the issue of going back to the Kingdom Hall. I liked the idea because I thought it would help us to meet friends & give the boys a religious foundation. We started going to meetings, but it wasn't like I had thought it would be. They shunned P, I didn't understand this at first. P, said everything would be OK, as soon as he was reinstated. Soon he was "reinstated," after that P started saying," if we're all not Witnesses this marriage won't work, this won't be a real family, etc." I have to admit I really didn't want any part of the Witnesses, I didn't like the way I was treated, it felt like I was in a communist country, very hush hush. I had to be so careful what I said & did. I was told I would transform into a good Witness and I would live forever. It wasn't what I wanted, this was not the life I wanted. P kept pushing. We started having bible meetings at my house,going out in field service & only Witness friends. I didn't have any friends, I gave up most of my worldly friends.
I must go back to the beginning now to help you understand what was happening in my relationship with P. When we first were together, the very beginning, everything seemed fine with P. What I mean by that is he seemed like a great guy. Even thought we both had alcohol problems in the past, the A.A. program & our support of each other put us both on the right track. P, had spent a few years in prison due to his use & abuse of alcohol. He was now 30 yrs old & had never married when I met him. Please bear with me I know I'm bouncing back & forth, but it will come together. After we married P, became distant, in our intimacy. I asked if anything was wrong & he said, "No, just tired." It became worse & worse if I tried to have relations with my husband he would accuse me of being too sexual or pushy. I started wondering if this was part of the religion, maybe sex wasn't something they liked either! But he said no it had nothing to do with that & read passages in the bible about being a good & obedient wife etc.
We moved to a Apt. and P, took a job as superintendent there. It was a large complex and a good opportunity for us to save some money. More & more P became obsessed with being a good & "Perfect" Witness. He would badger me about getting baptized and being a good Witness. It got so that if I said "darn" he would admonish me & tell me not to say that because it was too close to "dam." I tried so hard to be what he wanted. I went to the meetings, had the studies at my home went out in field service, my children were involved.
Our intimate life grew worse. P, would make all kinds of excuses not to be intimate with me. He called me a whore for wanting to make love to him, my husband. We were now married about a year. I thought maybe having a child would help. I had to beg him to have relations with me so I could get pregnant, what I fool I was. Well, 9 months later I had my 3rd. son. Of course, it didn't help our situation at all.
It was around this time I started waking up in the middle of the night. I noticed Paul, wasn't beside me in bed. I could see the T.V. was on and I saw P sitting on the floor of our bedroom. I peeked up over the covers to see what he was doing., he was masturbating to the girls on the T.V.! I was shocked. He wanted nothing to do with me, yet here he was doing that, and I his wife was right there in bed. I didn't say anything to him, I thought maybe it was just one of those things. It Wasn't!
After that incident I became more aware of his disappearance from our bed at night, doing the same thing I saw the first time. I finally got up the nerve to confront him. I asked him why he would do that and not want to be with me his wife. I had questioned myself so much about why he didn't want me anymore. I thought it was me. I tried to always look my best and dress well & keep my weight trim, I blamed myself. He said to stop worrying about it, it was just a phase he was going through. P said," lets get down on our knees & pray to Jehovah, for forgiveness & guidance." We did.
P continued to push me toward baptism, he said it would help with our problems. He would have a more "solid" relationship with me if I was baptized. I finally relented & was baptized. I had no idea what "hell" was ahead for me. The kids seemed to be doing well, They had made friends and were fitting in. P was by all appearances a good father to them. Everyone that thought they knew us, & looked at us as a good "Witness family," happy well adjusted and doing all the right things. But our relationship was falling apart. P would become angry easily. He even went so far as to put his hands around my throat, he became so enraged at times. We now had a nonexistent intimate life. I would get up at night & find that P wasn't even in the apartment. I didn't find this suspicious at fist, He was the superintendent & sometimes had to go out to fix things in the buildings at night. But with the frequency of his disappearances I became more suspicious. I waited one night until I felt him slip out of bed. He went out & I followed him, slipping around the dark corners of the apartment buildings. I saw him in the bushes slightly hidden, standing on a pipe that was sticking out of the ground. I stood in the dark watching him, wondering what he was doing. Then I realized, what he was doing. he was maturating while peeping in someone's window. I was in shock, I couldn't move. My head was swirling, MY GOD! What innocent person is in that room? What if he was caught, my kids what would I tell them? Who is this man I married this man who stuffed this religion down my throat until I gagged. While he acted the holy roller. This can't be happening. But it was.
I called to him & he stood there with a shocked look on his face. What are YOU doing here? he demanded to know. I asked him, why? What is going on? He said lets go & get on our knees & pray to Jehovah for forgiveness & guidance, and don't tell anyone! Jehovah will help us. Well, for approximately a year after that I followed him at all hours of the night, after he'd slip out of bed. I'd find him in front of someone's window masturbating. We'd go home he'd get on his knees & pray. I would come home from work and find him in the bedroom with porno pictures. He tried to become more clever in his sick perversion. He would go to the city to peep shows. I would find the to ken s in his pockets. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I wanted so desperately to tell someone. I was embarrassed & afraid. I finally told my mother, she was shocked. I begged P during this time to get help. To go to a psychologist. I asked him to go to therapy with me or by himself. he wouldn't. He said Jehovah, would help. Pray Pray..........
I trusted no one in the Truth. One brother that had known P for a while was constantly complaining that everyone came to him for help, he had no time for himself or his family. He was always complaining. I only knew one brother that I felt I could tell this story too. He was a ministerial servant. I called him and asked him to come to my apartment. I told him everything that had happened and he was very understanding. he said that of course he would have to go to the elders, I said I understood that. The next day one of the Elders, called me. They asked if P, was there, he was. He came to my apartment and asked him if these things I was saying were true, P admitted it. The Elder said he would come back to my house with other elders to discuss the situation with us. 5 Elders came to my home. We sat around my table. The Elder that had only the week before complained & groaned about how busy he was, was quite miffed that I hadn't come to him first with this problem! His concern was not for us but his ego was bruised. Another Elder that had spoken to the Elders from the Brooklyn congregation that P had grown up in, asked, "P, weren't you disfellowshipped once ." P answered, "Yes." And that was for smoking wasn't it? ",Yes"he answered. And also weren't you spoken to by the Elders there for this same type of conduct when you were living in Brooklyn! I was stunned when P answered yes. He had been living this perverted life style for years before I ever knew him, and they knew about it. I was enraged that no one did anything, that this behavior went on unchecked without professional help. P, lied to me. Our marriage was a sham. All the kneeling & praying & secrecy.
After that meeting P was not allowed to answer at meetings for a period of time. That was it. Never did a single Elder come up to me & ask if I needed to talk, or recommend professional help. I was a mess. A year without much sleep had taken it's toll. I left P. I was later disfellowshipped. I wasn't allowed to attend my own sons wedding. I wanted to commit suicide. I had a breakdown. P died a few years ago, he went back to drinking. Maybe, I am weak. Maybe, I am not deserving of the Kingdom that they speak of. All I can say is this. If that Kingdom They speak of is full of the Witnesses I have known, I don't want to be there. I blame them for not helping P, when he was a young man. I blame them for allowing P to hide his sickness. I blame them for the loss of my family. It has taken me years to recover, I am still working at it.
Thanks for listening,
PT

 

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Hi my name is A and I live in Alaska. I was a Jehovah WItness for almost 10 years. That all changed when my sister and I were both molested by a man that was our step-father. Yes, the congregation did nothing to help us and everything to hide it. They shamed us for going to the law and turing him in and not once still to this day 6 years later came to see how we (our family is doing) and we still live in the same house. I think that the Jehovah Witness Congregations have no shame in Child Molesters in fact they welcome them with open arms saying if they ask God to forgive them then they are good people. There is something wrong with that and it needs to be stopped they are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites that say on thing and do the other. It is not Gods will that they hide this stuff from the law God wants these kinds of people stopped. He dose not want to see his people getting hurt and that is what these people did to me. They hurt me beyond repair. I don't think I will ever be able to get over what happened to me or how I was treated. They even tried to tell my mom that she could not divorce this man that molested her own children that it was not biblical grounds. What a bunch of CRAP. I hate that man and always will and I hate everybody that shunned me for doing the right thing!!! I spoke out and got punished by them for it but you know what there time will come when every elder or congregation leader will be punished for the wrong doings that they are doing by hiding it. And I will never return to a Jehovah Congregation again. The Alaska Kingdom Hall blew it for me. I love Jehovah don't get me wrong I just don't think I agree with the way things of importance are handled. I believe that you can worship God on your own and that he judges your heart. So, that was my story (the short one, anyways.

 

A D

 


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I am a former JW who was abused. I want to tell everyone that THIS IS A CULT,, a haven for pedophiles to be exact. I was abused for years by my step-father. When my mother found out, she brought it to the attention of the Elders. They told her to forgive and he would repent etc.. I was fortunate. My mother realized that that was NONSENSE!! Pedophiles are sick and need to be away from children. Any organization that teaches that they have the "TRUTH" and everyone else is "Worldly" is only seeking to alienated. A cult alienates people from family, friends, and society. It seeks to make women subservient and teach them to keep their mouths shut. They spout bible scripture out of context an to their own agendas. I have read the articles on this website and it seems to me, that even though people are coming forward, they still have not shaken this cult mentality. This religion is not the truth. Jesus talked to people of all walks of life, the poor, the hookers, everyone. This religion teaches you to only associate with others in "the truth", or rather, others that are programmed too. My mother left the cult and was disfellowshipped. Even her own mother refuses to speak to her to this day! That is not love. That is Evil. Since then, several of her former sisters have came forward that their children were abused also, one of them an Elders daughter! All were handled the same, cover it up, make peace and forgive.

I say to all woman, Wake Up, this is a CULT!!!! break free, be disfellowshipped!!! This an evil organization set up by MAN, PEDOPHILES!!!!!!!! A panel of all male Elders!!HA>>> DONT BE BLIND LITTLE LAMBS. JESUS AND GOD ARE ALL AROUND US AND THEY DO NOT APPROVE OF HOW THIS RELIGION HAS WARPED THEIR TEACHINGS!!! LEAVE THIS CULT NOW> CHILD MOLESTORS DO NOT STOP!! YOU MUST STOP THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

VT


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