silentlambs - It's time to protect children. It's time to stop being a silent lamb.
Home Assistance Personal Experiences Education Press Donate/Become a SL Member Sitemap silentlambs Store
Search

Abused Lambs                                                        Page 9

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Poems and Thoughts

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

 

Not a SILENT Lamb

You are really a godsend because as the case with most if not all of the people here on this site I thought I was the only one!! I was 8 almost 9 years old when I started studying with the Jehovah's Witnesses. A few months later my mother also joined me in going to the Kingdom hall and studying. This was back in 1985. My stepfather had begun to touch me in places which felt "weird" to me as a 9 year old during activities of play wrestling. My mother was working during the day and my stepfather was at home during the weekends and as I was not allowed to play with any kids other than Jehovah's Witness I was stuck at home. At first I had no idea what was going on. It just annoyed me the same way as if another child would spit on me or pinch me. But then my stepfather's advances became more aggressive and I started to realize something was very wrong. I told my mother immediately and after telling me to stop lying, she went to the elders. I remember the elders telling her to leave him but she didn't. Instead she told me that my stepfather said he was sorry and he would never do it again. And then returned back to wok during the day same as before. And then my stepfather returned back to his things of molesting me back as before with an added anger since I had told.

Then after some time he joined the JW faith and became baptized. Nobody ever questioned him about what my mother and I had told them!!!! My mother didn't even speak up.!!!!! As a child I was afraid to go to the police because of this person being a JW 'brother'. Shortly after that he assaulted me and tried to rape me in their own bedroom as my mother was at work !! It was very traumatic for me and from that day on I had started to make sure I was not alone at home with this man. WHenever my mother would be at work I would walk the streets in the neighborhood, try to stay at some of the other' kid's homes or just hide out in the woods behind our neighborhood. At home I would lock myself into my room and watch tv or listen to the radio when my mother was at home and would keep a huge physical distance from this man. At the kingdom hall I would sit 3 seats down away from this man if my mother was not able to attend. But most of the time I made some excuse for not even attending if my mother didn't attend. It was sick for me to even sit in the same car with this man!~ This went on for years until I left home! During those years since the stepfather could not get me to cooperate sexually with him...he would find excuses to severely beat me...... I remember at 10 or 11 I stole some coins out of his coin collection and he would strip me naked and use branches from trees and shrubs and grab my upside down by my ankles and beat me till he was tired. Or sometimes he would use his belt ...with the buckle part and I would have imprints of the belt buckle for almost a year after. I was told to wear long pants and long sleeve shirts and not to tell.

I still have a scar from when I was 10 years old and had one of those beatings on my inner thigh. And yes my mother was aware of these beatings often she was in the same room screaming at me or in the next room. As I distanced myself the stepfather had to resort to other measures to satisfy his sickness...such as sticking mirrors under the bathroom door. I was not aware of this for years until he himself told this to me because he was feeling "guilty". What a joke. I told him to go to the elders that he was sick but he refused and I couldn't make this man do it. I remember feeling like throwing up and decided to take on a second job so as not to even be at home. I had stopped showering at home and would only shower at the gym. I would not even change clothes if this man was in the house and I developed obsessions with putting towels under the doors and moving objects in front of the windows or any open space. I myself was getting mentally and emotionally sick.

Nobody ever bothered to ask how I'm doing or why is this happening. Further I wasn't a SILENT lamb!! I spoke out constantly from age 9 up to age 26 (PRESENT) !!!!! I told my numerous sisters in the congregation...my best friend who was also JW and in the same congregation. My book study conductor!! I have since left the organization at age 21.


Now comes the insult to injury part.... This past year (march 2002) the elders have wanted to contact me to "clear this matter of molestation" up. What a joke! My mother and her husband the stepfather came to me and told me this and said that elders wanted to advance him but they couldn't without me. My mother even had these people call my private number! Breaking a promise she had made to me. Anyway... a month and a half ago the stepfather came to me and had this story of how the elders said they needed a letter from me stating that nothing happened so that he could get advancement. Yes poor stepfather..he never got advanced after he was baptized. They let him hold the mic for a while and then said because he worked on a military base they would not advance him. Well it had been 7 years since he quit/lost his job and now works self employed. And they waited till NOW to want to "advance" him. LOL. ...yea right!!

In any case this angered me because I felt the organization wanted to cover up now that this is out in the news!! It made me have a break down.!! SO 2 weeks ago I called these elders myself. I wanted to let them know the true story!! We had an elders meeting and to my surprise they did not ask me about my personal life now or what I was doing and did not seem to have an agenda of trying to get me in trouble. They did ask me odd questions too such as "would you say his penis was hard at this time" etc.

I told them everything and let them know because of this I am on mental disability with severe depression and have developed a cutting (self injury) problem along with eating disorders since age of 11. I have severe memory problems due to stress, a number of psychosomatic symptoms such as itching and scratching for no reason and drinking bouts from time to time. I remember their faces at disgust and horror at all the things I had told them. All they could tell me in return was that they were sorry that I had to go through it and that nobody did anything about it and that if the stepfather denies the chargers there was nothing they could do. They asked me if this was the reason I had left and I replied to them yes it was the main reason because as I got older it felt ridiculous to sit in the same kingdom hall with this man when everyone knew what kind of man he was and nobody ever bothered to even help me.

These were younger elders who were not around at the time.. in fact the PO had been to the congregation from chicago a few years ago because of all the nasty things happening in this congregation,,,after I had already left. Supposedly they have sent the matter to the Watchtower Society and are waiting on an answer. It is ridiculous to me because it seems they only want to deal with this now because of some damn advancing or "cleansing" of their organization. Nobody gave a dam about me and apparently they still don't.

Thank you for having this website up Bill Bowen, and all you others! And also for appearing on shows such as Dateline and Panorama! The more I read and see about this the more I am convinced I did the right thing about stepping away from this cult. If this is the "truth" then I would rather die at Armageddon than be in a world with a bunch of Hypocrites. Again thank you for giving us all the opportunity to come out and finally start facing the issues and having a chance to heal in the proper way.

S V

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Dragon Slayers

by Loris J Matheny *

The Dragon Slayers have come;

The strong of heart,

Great battles they have won.

The Dragon Slayers have come;

They fight a fine fight,

Never do they turn and run.

One by one they come;

A challenge for the Dragon,

But they are slain- every one.

Two by two they come;

They fight in teams

Because two are stronger than one.

Ten by ten they come;

The Dragon leaves the safety of the cave,

In the open it fights on.

Legion by legion they come;

The Dragon fights, the Dragon tires,

The dead cover the ground like dung.

The small child has come;

The Dragon is weak from years of battle,

The child throws a single stone.

The end for the Dragon has come;

Defeated by the Dragon Slayers,

Brought down in the end by one.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was molested by both my father and brother (both of who were not JWs) and also by an elder. I was ten when I was molested by this elder and I saw him again at a convention when I was about 22. I stood in the lunch line (when they still did that) and saw him ahead of me and I began to shake and cry uncontrollably. He walked over to speak to me and I turned away and was ill for the rest of the day as if my body had just shut down. I called his congregation elders on returning home and they said that they required more people to say it had happened also in order to have a judicial committee. So he remains a part of the 'fold' though he cannot be considered for being an elder. His wife has called my mother twice in the last 6 months asking if I will take it back so that he can serve. She has stated that "You have to convince your daughter that it didn't happen." I am now disfellowshipped because I do not believe it is the true religion. In no way would I take back what I know was so real.

VA


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I live in England . In May 1995, an Elder in our congregation age 63 was jailed for 6 years for 2 counts of indecent assault and 1 count of rape against a 13 year old girl in our congregation. (I still have the newspaper cutting).

He served just over 3 years and was taken under the wing of another Elder when he was released from prison.

He has since been on the door to door work. A Paedophile knocking on the doors.

I would do anything to help publicize what is going on. I was a sister for 19 years but just drifted away as I saw so much hypocrisy.

HH ( England )


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'M WRITING BECAUSE AT THE AGE OF 5 MY PARENTS GOT A DIVORCE AND I BELIEVE IT WAS BY THE AGE OF 6 OR 7 MY REAL FATHER (IF YOU CAN CALL HIM THAT) STARTED MOLESTING ME WHEN HE THOUGHT I WAS ASLEEP AND ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS HE ALMOST RAPED ME BUT I WOULD ACT LIKE I WAS WAKING UP AND HE WOULD STOP. THIS HAPPENED FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, FOR A L ONG TIME MY MIND SUPPRESSED THE MEMORY AND I BELIEVE IT WAS AT THE AGE OF 14 OR 15 THAT I REMEMBERED IT ALL AND THE THOUGHT OF HIM DOING THIS TO ME MADE ME SICK. HOW CAN SOME ONE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR YOU, LOVE YOU AND PROTECT YOU HURT YOU SO MUCH?

I REMEMBER TELLING HIM OVER THE PHONE I HATED HIM AND ASKING HOW COULD HE HAVE DONE THIS TO ME. HE DENIED IT. HE SAID I WAS CRAZY. I TOLD HIM I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING AND IT DID HIM NO GOOD TO DENY IT. AT THAT POINT HE SAID HE DIDN'T MEAN TO AND HE WANTED TO EXPLAIN. WHAT CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHEN YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO AN INNOCENT CHILD?

I REMEMBER TELLING MY SISTER SHORTLY THEREAFTER. SHE SAID SHE BELIEVED ME, BUT I THINK IT TOOK HER A WHILE TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT. I TOLD MY MOTHER A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER AND SHE YELLED AT ME AND ASKED WHY I NEVER TOLD HER. I NEVER TOLD MY GRANDMOTHER BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT WOULD SURELY KILL HER, I DID TELL HER BROTHER BUT SWORE HIM TO SECRECY, LIKE MY SISTER. MY GRAND MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS 20 AND I SWORE I WOULD DO SOMETHING. BUT THEN I THOUGHT, WHAT FOR? I SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT IN THE PAST. ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO HE CONFESSED IT TO ONE OF MY AUNTS. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS!!! MY SISTER CALLED ME AND TOLD ME MY AUNT HAD CALLED HER CRYING AND WANTED TO KNOW IF THIS WAS TRUE AND MY SISTER CONFIRMED IT I ASKED HER TO LET ME TELL MY UNCLE AND ONE OF MY OTHER AUNTS. I DID AND MY UNCLE COULD NOT BELIEVE IT AND MY AUNT TOOK HIS SIDE, ANY WAY ONCE AGAIN I SAID I'LL LEAVE IT ALONE.

HE DID THIS TO ME, HE HURT ME, SHATTERED MY CHILDHOOD, BUT IM GOING TO LEAVE IT IN THE PAST. II FOUND OUT AT END OF LAST YEAR HE MOLESTED MY 2 YOUNGER SISTERS. (NOT HIS KIDS) YET AGAIN THERE GOES ALL THE EMOTIONS. WHY? I ASK MY SELF, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID THIS TO THEM. IT IS ALL MY FAULT FOR NOT SAYING ANYTHING. I BLAME MY SELF FOR THIS.

RECENTLY MY GRANDFATHER PASSED AWAY AND MY FATHER WAS AT THE FUNERAL AND WANTED TO TALK TO ME. I WAS REPULSED BY THIS AND THE VERY SIGHT OF HIM. SO MANY YEARS HAVE PASSED, I REALLY WANT TO DO SOMETHING, BUT IM AFRAID THE LAW WONT DO ANYTHING TO HIM. HE IS A SICK PERSON AND IM AFRAID IF HE DID THIS TO ANYONE ELSE, HE MIGHT DO IT AGAIN. IM 26 AND HAVE MY OWN CHILDREN AND I PROTECT THEM. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM LIKE HE WANTS ME TO BECAUSE HE CAN HARM MY CHILDREN. I WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE A NORMAL CHILDHOOD NOT LIKE MINE, A SHATTERED ONE. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME.

IM


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To Whom it may concern:
Recently, I have seen the reports/ story segments that have been done on the sexual abuse some have suffered at the hand of those that were supposed to protect the congregation.

I was not molested by any of the elders, however I was sexually assaulted by two young brothers on separate occasions. At 18 when I sat before a judicial committee, I bared my soul not just for the wrong I had committed but for the pain I had suffered. One of the young men I had been dating when he sexually, verbally, & mentally abused me. This young man, was at the time dating the P.O.'s daughter, who also sat on the committee. It was no secret that the bothers were extremely pleased to have me at their mercy. The rape & sexual abuse I encountered were blamed on me, I was called a harlot & a whore. The elders continued to verbally abuse me, the memories
of that night are still open wounds for me 12 years later. I was never told to contact the authorities, just the opposite, because there were no other witness' to what had happened to me, I was called a liar and that no-one in their right mind would believe me. I was disfellowshipped. As the years went by, I found out that for years, not just the elders but also women in the congregation had made it their goal in life to find reason, true or false, to get me in front of a committee.

I am saddened by the accounts of what others have suffered and the pain caused to them at the hands of these "shepherds of Gods flock", yet I am also relieved because I am not alone. I have no problem going public with my story. My mother is still a faithful JW, yet she will admit to the abuse and pain I was caused.

Thank you for providing a place where my story may be heard & hopefully
help another to heal.

GE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My story is very similar to everyone else's with the exception of sexual abuse. My mother raised me as a Jehovah's Witness. I had an alcoholic father who was not in the truth. My father physically abused me to the point social services were called and I was sent to N.C. to live with my Aunt. During these beatings, my mother would just sit back and watch. Not doing anything to control or diffuse the situation. At times my mother would hold my head under the faucet of the bathtub until I stopped crying. My mother, the Jehovah's Witness. When my father had an affair and my mother brought my older sister and I to tag along and watch this, she still did not leave him. Being an abused child by both my Jehovah's witness mother and father, I began to rebel. Nothing to seriously, but things like stealing, acting up in class at school etc. My mother took me before the elders who in turned judged me as being bad association, in turn leading to my "disassociation" from the congregation. I was 13, how could I be so horrible that nobody could speak to me. I grew up thinking if "God" is a God of love, then why doesn't he love me? Why was I being "shunned" instead of being loved and welcomed into the arms of the congregation to unconditionally love and help others? Why could Christ forgive everyone but me? This was what I was led to believe. After my Aunt adopted me at the age of 16, a few Jehovah's Witnesses came to our door. I stated to them, as programmed to do by the congregation, I am bad association, I have been disassociated, and you can't speak to me. Upon hearing this, they asked me if I was ever baptized, I said no, they then said that the rules had changed and that I could not be disassociated if I was not baptized. So for 3 years I was ostracized from not only the congregation, but from my family. Once I was sent here, my mother and sister could no longer speak to me. How is it God's way to not allow or ban a mother from her child?

I have since made the decision to have a relationship with God. I am happily married to a Christian man. I still have doubts of my beliefs due to the "brain washing" of the Jehovah's Witnesses, which I assume the scars will always be around, but I chose to speak out, be strong and make my own decision about my faith and life. I owe a lot of my success to not only to God, but to my Aunt, and my husband. Without the love and support and many reality checks, I don't think I could have survived.

I am not afraid to give my name, because I feel if I can help anyone else out there who has been brainwashed by this religious cult, then please contact me if for nothing less than just "real" Christian love.

R M


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My name is P, I was suprised when I saw that there was a page for battered women. I was raised Jehovah's Witness. I lived a very sheltered life and when I got married to my husband I was a virgin. My husband first beat me during our engagement. Because I had not had much experience with abusers when he said he would never hit me again, I believed him. My mother was the only one who tried in vain to warn me that he would hit me again. But none of the elders or other members tried to sway my decision and give me advice against my marriage. My mother did not attend my wedding which was held in the local Kingdom Hall.

On the night of my wedding day, our honeymoon, my husband beat me. I can't even remember what I did wrong, he threw me out of the hotel room and I spent part of the night crying in the public toilets in the hotel, hiding because I was embarrassed about my predicament.

The physical and mental abuse started on my honeymoon and continued for two years. The elders were called on numerous occasions by me and my husband, most of the time right after the abuse had occurred. The elders saw the bruises the broken teeth the smashed face and blacked eyes.

The elders would talk to my husband and coerce me into going back to him after he promised he would never hit me again. One or two weeks later the abuse would start again and continue on a regular basis, with mental persecution which included being woken in the middle of the night and told to stand at the side of the bed, for hours at a time, when I needed to go to the bathroom I was forced to go the some public toilets that were a hundred yards down the road, my husband would watch from the window to make sure I did as he told me. My mother new of some of the abuse. I tried to keep all of it from her and say , I walked into a door, or I fell down, my mother did not believe any of it. She constantly told me to leave him. She would warn me that she thought he would eventually kill me.

Thankfully I did wake up and made the decision to leave. I informed the elders of my kingdom hall, it was a thursday night meeting the elders were instantly against my decision to leave my husband. They warned me that if I did divorce and later marry that in the eyes of god I would be committing adultery and be disfellowshipped. The elders talked to me late into the night trying to make me change my mind and return to my husband. I was adamant and with help from my mother stuck to my decision.

Because of my decision and the threat of being disfellowshipped I left the congregation. I was hounded for months by my husband and the elders. I would hide in my house and pretend I was not at home. I was made to feel like I had done something wrong by other JW's and even my father who stayed in the faith until he died in 95.

All this happened 24 years ago. I feel bitter that the people who I relied on and trusted advised me to stay in the abusive relationship and threaten me with the consequences of my decision to leave the marriage. I did get support from my mother and her family who are not JW's and over the years the scars have healed. I do have a bridge to replace my front teeth. I still have my life and I am now living with a loving husband and soon we will celebrate our 20th anniversary. I am very anti organized religion.

PA

Home | Assistance | Personal Experiences | Education | Press | Donations/Membership | Merchandise
Guestbook | Courage Awards | Newsletter | Contact Us | Affiliates | Sitemap
Copyright © 2003 by silentlambs.org. All rights reserved.