Lambs Stories — Silentlambs

Abused Lambs Stories

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

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I write this with my best English. My family moved across country to Los Angeles in the summer, to start over again after we lost my older brother to gun violence. We were Catholic when we moved, but my Father was single and had a friend who was a very nice Jehovah’s Witness woman. She set up a Bible study with a brother and my father was so excited to start to study so he can learn about Jehovah and the love He offered. My father takes our family to the Kingdom Hall and it seemed so nice at first. Everyone very friendly and one of Elders had a daughter my age. I was eleven then.

The daughter and I become friends. Then one day visiting a nearby a new Kingdom Hall, my father and I are given a tour, my father gets pulled away to talk to others. My new

friend, her father, (an Elder) and another Elder says its OK because they can still finish showing me around. Then my friend gets called by her mom to go help with something and its just me and the two Elders alone.

The Elders they take me to a backroom and one touches me inside my underwear. I get so scared I pee myself. The other Elder says its OK and takes me to the bathroom to clean up. When in the bathroom, the Elder who touched me stands outside the door, keeping watch, while the other Elder takes off my underwear and washes it in the sink.

I was so embarrassed to have peed and be naked in only my dress, sitting on the bathroom sink counter. The Elder says he can tell I am embarrassed and offers to help me feel less alone. I did not know what that meant, so I say OK. The Elder then takes off his underwear. I have never seen a man naked before and was shocked and scared.

Then he takes his hands and gets them wet with soap and water and starts to clean me up by rubbing his wet hand between my legs. I get a scared again and start to cry, so he stops. He tells me its OK and asks if sometimes when I get scared what does my father do. I stated that my dad would hug me. The Elder then says that he would just like to give me a hug, so I agree.

I did not think he meant anything bad, but instead as an Elder he was going to comfort me. But then when he hugs me, its not like a hug my father gives. The Elder hugs me wrapping his arms around me and putting his penis inside me while squeezing me and it really hurt. I cry again, but he tells me its OK and its going to get better while continuing.

Then when he finishes, he tells me the semen leaking out of me was Jehovah gods love. He lies to me telling me I am special to make that happen, that I am a gift from Jehovah to all male Jehovah’s Witnesses for how I can make that happen, with just a hug.

Then he gets dressed, knocks two times on the door from the inside and the other Elder comes in and has his turn having sex with me, while the first Elder protects the door from the outside, so no one come in.

From this point it starts to happen on a regular basis with more than just those two Elders. One Elder would bring me to other Kingdom Halls and other Elders would do the same to me, but with some different rituals.

I know this is a lot of information to say, but its what happened to me. I found the Silentlambs website and now write this because I hope maybe I can help others. I found out I was pregnant from the molestation, not long after it started, when I turned twelve. I was so a scared about what to do. I felt so alone, until I confided to a sister, who told me that what the Elders do was wrong. The sister told me that I am good, and what they did to me was evil. Just to hear that, really helped me. Now I want to tell others out there who go through this, you are not alone.

I now know Jehovah did not want this to happen to me or anyone else. I know the Elders who did this to me did not follow Jehovah god. They are evil people and they are the ones who sinned, not me. I am hoping that by sharing this with others, that maybe someone can read it and know they not alone.

A lot more bad things happened with the Elders that I leave out, because it is still too hard to say, but I hope by saying only this much, maybe I can help someone else be brave and get help like I did.

I have good assistance now and I know I will start to heal. I want everyone else to know, you can heal as well. One day if I keep going to therapy and working on my healing, I will be happy again. Jehovah loves me and did not want this to happen to me. I know it might be hard to understand how I still have faith in Jehovah, but for me, the faith I have in Jehovah helps me get through, even if the Elders who pretend to follow Jehovah are the reason for my struggle.

I am so thankful to the sister who helped me to see I am not alone and other girls have same thing happen to them by Elders. By not feeling alone is how we start to heal. I hope maybe this helps others to feel like they not alone as well.

Thank you for listen to my story. I hope it helps someone else to move toward healing.

ERC

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I was born into and raised in the Jehovah's Witnesses religion in Canada.

I cannot remember all of my childhood.

When i was 9 years old, i was brutally (sexually) assaulted when i was walking home from school. My mom told me it was my fault and my dad didn't believe it happened.

When i was 12, i was molested by an elder at the Kingdom Hall which turned into rape when i was 13. i didn't want to tell my parents. I immediately thought it was my fault because of what happened when I was 9. I was confused. i thought the Eder was in love with me. But, eventually, I told my cousin about it. It got back to my mom. She asked me about it. i was afraid of her and so i told her that i had lied. i got a beating for that. And so i didn't say anything when my best friend and her brother (also raised in the cult) started sexually abusing me. This continued for 3 years. Being sexually abused by 2 members. Finally some other girls came forward about my best friend and her brother and he was DF. He returned to the flock 6 months later.

i told an Elder about the abuse i had suffered at the hands of the other Elder. Since there were no witnesses i was called a liar.

Also, when i was 14 i was sexually abused by a teacher. I'm just starting to come to terms with all that i suffered being raised in this cult. I was shown a warped kind of love growing up. My mom physically abused me all through my teenage years.

I have been suicidal for years because of this and just coming to terms with it now = 40 years later.

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I am sixteen years old, and I would like to share my story of sexual abuse.

(I am not American, and English is not my first language. However I still pride myself on good writing)

I was quite young when the abuse would start. At around 7, he made me kiss him on the mouth once or twice. He is very neglectful and abusive, He would often sit in his room for hours, and would sometimes fight with my mother and yell and scream. He nearly hit me in the process a couple of times. and so further on in my life (8-10), I would imagine getting attention and care from older men and make me feel good about myself.

It was at about 10 or 11 that my cousins and I were at a local pool as a playdate when one of them pulled back my shorts to see if I was wearing anything underneath. Later on, he nearly drowned me, and pulling my shirt down into the water and saying it was part of a game. At 12 and 13, Some students at my school would start bothering me with sexual content.

I forgot about a lot of these things for a while. But it recently hit me hard, and I am starting to believe I have PTSD. One time, My family would try and embrace me, and I resisted very hard not knowing why I did it. They would get very sad and I would cry at night wondering why I'm so awful.

I wouldn't say my whole childhood was destroyed from that alone. Nor do I feel valid in saying that these were traumatic or sexual abuse. But I will say that each and every one of these experiences, all fit the "two-witness rule".

It tears me up inside that I cannot remember the dates of these occurrences. It makes everything feel much more like I'm just making it up.

I told my mother everything. All she could do was laugh.

I imagine sex all the time now and I want to never let anyone touch me ever again.

I am still not doing fantastic but I know now the truth about this religion.

Thank you for helping me Silent Lambs.

- AB

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In 1994, I graced my mother and father with my presence a few weeks earlier than anticipated. My mother’s mother had become a witness the year before my mother was born, so she was “born in”. My father was also “born in”, although his family situation was highly traumatic. Their marriage was not to last, and by the time I was 5 years old my parents had divorced (unscripturally).

My father’s choices after their divorce centered around healing his inner child from his incredibly abusive mother, and he effectively disappeared from our lives as he left the “truth”. His disbelief had began the rift between my parents, but as we know many JW marriages are not made to last as they aren’t able to adequately get to know each other prior to matrimony.

My father was disfellowshipped when I was 7 because, out of some strange kindness, he told the elders that my mother was free to remarry and he refused to attend any judicial hearings. Once she was free to remarry, my mother began to seek a husband (likely in part due to the immense financial strains of raising two children as a single mother on the income of someone with a high school diploma).

Her first fiancee broke things off rather abruptly, and for some reason or another she sighted her now-husband. While he was previously a person of reproach and mockery to her, something about him became attractive to her. They were in the same bookstudy, and while they were getting to know each other on our weekly “goodie night”, my molester was getting to know me.

Stories never progress in a linear fashion, especially among multi-generational JW families. I will briefly divert my tale to provide background on the entire situation. My mother was best friends with another woman, name changed to “Child-Bride”, prior to Child-Bride’s marriage. She was wed at the tender age of 17 to a man many years her senior. They had two children together. Child-Bride’s spouse, Molester, happened to become my stepfather’s employer and best friend in the years prior to my mother marrying Stepfather. Also right around the time Stepfather and my mother wed, Child-Bride and Molester elected to adopt the girl who would become my childhood “Best Friend”. Her mother was trying to serve Jehovah and was married to a drug addict. Molester and the other congregation elders convinced her that it was better for Best Friend to move in with Molester’s family and serve Jehovah than it was for her to stay with her mother.

To continue on with my story, our weekly bookstudy was in Molester’s home. He was our theocratic ministry school overseer and had been on the body of elders for longer than I’d been alive. Stepfather was also in this bookstudy group. Molester was highly engaged with the children. He would often play games with us. We were studying the “Daniel” book at the time, and our favorite was when he would pretend to be Nebuchadnezzar and throw us into the furnace (comfortably placed in a pile of pillows).

Some nights, he and I would sit together. I was an 8 year old girl who had no father, and his kindness was something I greatly needed. He would pull me onto his lap sometimes so that I straddled him. We invented a game where I would completely unbutton and then button his shirt. No other adults present said anything about our game or were present to witness it. To me, I was spending time with the man who was like my father and I loved him, absolutely.

My mother and Stepfather had a hasty courtship. They began dating in March and were married in mid-July. My mother’s family had gifted them their honeymoon, so mother was tasked with finding people to watch my brother and I. She turned to her closest friends, one of which was the home of Child-Bride and Molester. We were slated to spend several days there during their honeymoon.

I was thrilled, because my best friend was the adopted daughter of Molester and Child-Bride. The first night, we stayed up way too late and whispered about every secret our 8 and 9 year old hearts could imagine. Best Friend happened to share with me that, when she was in her bed, Molester would come in, stinking of wine, and finger her vagina. She shared that he forced her to touch his penis as well. I gave her all of the girlish love and support that I could that night.

The next day, when we were all playing with Molester, we were playing our favourite Nebuchadnezzar game. Molester, when tickling me, moved his fingers to my small breasts (I was wearing a bra by the time I was 10), and fondled my nipples. I laughed this off and we continued playing.

On the next day, I found myself pinned underneath him while his curious fingers roved beneath my shorts and fondled my clitoris. I begged him to stop, after which he complied jovially.

Several months later, Watchtower published an article admonishing parents to inquire of their children if they had ever been touched inappropriately. My mother asked me awkwardly, and I told her that I had been touched in my private areas and that my best friend had been touched even more intimately than I had.

My mother reported this to the Elders.

They questioned Molester, who was honest with them.

Child-Bride called the police.

Molester committed suicide the day before he was to be charged.

Unfortunately, my abuse by JW men was not finished at this time.

My stepfather was an absolute tyrant. After their brief “honeymoon” phase was over, he began to scream at my brother and I. He would lecture for hours and thump his bible emphatically while describing why my brother and I were the chaff. As we got slightly older, and he likely felt more comfortable with our family, he began to physically abuse my brother and I for eight years. I will never hate another person as much as I hate that man. He would happily berate me for Molester’s actions and blame a 9 year old child for being molested by an adult male. He was a ministerial servant in the congregation and was the accounts servant for our congregation. He gave many talks, and could do no wrong to the elders. No one knew what my brother and I went through.

When my brother was 14 or 15, my mother eventually found a therapist and psychiatrist for him as his behavior was absolutely uncontrollable. During these events, my brother told his therapist that he was being abused by our stepfather.

When questioned by CPS, I lied to protect the only father I had during that time.

When I was 16, I began to receive attention by one man who was 10 years my senior and one man who was 5 years my senior. No one seemed to think that these advances were inappropriate. I was so starved for love that I didn’t think anything of them, either.

When I was 19, I was initially reproved for immorality. I was at that time a woman who was pioneering and had convention parts (dramas and experiences). The elders who questioned me asked explicit questions about my sexual experiences that, in hindsight, no one has the right to know. Later that year, I left the JW organization. I was so suicidally depressed that I hoped God would kill me for the immorality I committed. I was disfellowshipped without a hearing, presumably because my sins were known in a widespread manner.

Five years later, I told my aunt (who is still a JW) about everything that had transpired between my stepfather and I, and my brother. She was so incensed that she summoned a judicial hearing for my stepfather years after anything had happened.

The result?

He was found repentant and forgiven.

The system of judicial investigation and reproof in the JW organization is broken in a disgusting way. I will never get my innocence back, but I can say with certainty that the policies created by these people do not protect children. They protect abusers. I am so sorry for the hundreds of children who are and will continue to be raped, abused, and silenced by this organization

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My story is 40 years in the making and highlights the cruelty of this faith. I was born in the early 80's to 2 JWs raised in the faith. My father was married before with 2 children from this marriage, and I am my mother's oldest child. I have one younger sister. Now that the stage is set, let's talk about the abuse. My father was an alcoholic. Most of my childhood was consumed with meetings at the Kingdom Hall, hiding from my drunken father as he cried into his beer, and avoiding all other children because they were "worldly". My younger sister and I were isolated from playing with other children. My mother rarely let other children spend the night because of my father's angry, drunken outbursts. The elders only came to our house once to talk about his drunkenness and we were told to withhold information. Many of days I went to school with welts and bruises on my butt and legs because father would take his anger and frustration out on me. My mother never protected me. She would cite scripture instead, telling me my father knew what was best as the head of the household. The abuse wasn't confined to the house, he loved to drag me screaming down the aisle at the Kingdom Hall to beat me with his cracked leather belt while NO ONE intervened. When I was 14, my parents encouraged me to talk to a 21 year old man that appeared interested in me. In fact, this man was invited to our home and we were given privacy to discuss his intentions. Fast forward 3 years, I'm 17, my parents forced me to get baptized at 14 or not have a home to live in if I believed differently they did. At 17, this adult male was 24, and he bought 2 bottles of Segrams Dry Gin, got me to drink over an entire bottle myself and my girlfriend drank almost the other bottle, while he sexually molested me and my friend while we were under the influence. The next day he told us we had come onto him to tempt him "with our Jezebel ways". Between the abuse at home, and now the sexual molestation, I began to act out. Instead of getting proper help, my parents quoted scripture, beat me more, and finally threw out all my belongings on the front yard while I was still in high school. I disassociated myself from the faith and my parents then began a campaign to harass and humiliate me at family events for many years. This continued until Sunday, November 20, 2022 when my father died. My mother and younger sister refused to allow me to attend his funeral and wake. I was upset at first, but I realized that I'm an amazing person, while they have hate in their heart. Jehovahs Witnesses are insidious and are the worst representation of Christianity on the market. Don't believe their lies!

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My story begins as almost a fairy tale. My parents met within the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses around 1981. My dad was from New York. My mom was from Indiana. He had moved from New York to Indiana and accepted a great paying job in Indianapolis. My mom had just become a nurse and had baptized as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses just three years prior.My dad was twelve years older than my mom yet they seemed to get along and my dad and mom married.

I came as a surprise to my parents because my dad had thought he could not procreate. I was conceived six months after my parents were married. They named me a bible name, of course! I was the first baby born in my congregation in years and it showed because I received 25 meeting dresses at my baby shower. My first meeting I attended was at two weeks old which means I was raised around the “truth” since conception. We attended meetings regularly. My go to bedtime story was ‘My book of Bible Stories’ and I remember walking in the snow downtown Indianapolis with my dad passing out tracts and watchtower and awakes.

I do not recall when the physical abuse began, why or how it happened each time but I do recall the day it ended. I had spent the day at a Jehovah’s Witnesses house because she was babysitting me. I remember being well behaved except for when a kid I was playing Don't Spill The Beans game with purposely spilled the beans and upset me and I began crying uncontrollably because my feelings were hurt because he was trying to make me lose and it aggravated me. The babysitter Jehovah’s Witness told my mom that we were bad and unfortunately my dad found out from my mom.

On the way home, my dad said “You’re gonna get it!” As soon as we arrived home my dad asked “Who wants to go first?” I said, “I will go first” because my sibling had gone first the time before and quite honestly I wanted to get it over with. My dad got really out of control with the belt and kept whipping my legs over and over again until I had bruises covering the backs of my thighs. I could not sit down on the couch and remember staring at my mom crying. My dad never told me why I was getting a whipping. All I had done wrong at the baby sitter was cry and the punishment for crying only made me cry full throttle. Unfortunately that day my dad had not given me enough time to go upstairs and layer my clothing so the whipping wouldn't hurt quite as bad.That day he made me pull down my pants. These whippings also occurred at the Kingdom hall meetings and after the meetings if I did not sit still during the meetings.

As I recall my mom took me to the hospital and I had to tell what had happened that day. I was bribed by the sheriff with a cheeseburger to tell what had happened because I was so used to being silenced at the meetings and beat for being to loud. I did not understand it was wrong of my dad to whip me with his leather belt. I did not understand the force against my forty-three pound body was uncalled for. My dad was arrested that day for child battery and was taken to jail. I was questioned further by a social worker who uncovered that there was more to the story. I remember being at the domestic violence shelter with my mom. In that day, I lost my dad, my home, and my faith.

The next memory I have was testifying against my father and for the first time putting my hands on a real King James Version of the bible. I was so young yet felt wrong for even swearing to God to tell the truth when the only “Truth” I had ever known was the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I thought I was going against Jehovah and did not understand why this was happening to me.

The next thing I know I was living in a new home with my mom and the elders came to talk to me and asked me what had happened to me. I thought I was in trouble with the elders and Jehovah. I did not even know how to read well and I was being interrogated by old men, elders who did not seem empathetic. I was questioned about sexual and ritual abuse that had also been uncovered by the social worker.

My mom had told the elders. The elders did nothing. The Watchtower and Tract Society wrote my mother a letter stating the two witness rule.

I went through two years of interrogation by lawyers, doctors, therapists, and judges. My dad received a felony conviction of child battery on me and a child molestation felony conviction on my sibling. This still did not change the minds of the watchtower and tract society nor the elders at the congregation. They considered him a brother and innocent man. We moved two hours away and did not attend any meetings for two years. My mom had met a man who was not a witness and she seemed genuinely happy because she was engaged to be married to him. That was until the elders showed up at our door and convinced my mom she was divorced form a child abuser she was not scripturally free and she was not free to remarry without being excommunicated. My mom broke off her engagement, moved us closer to the local kingdom hall and we began attending meetings regularly. I liked the new congregation as it was small and welcoming. I did not get whippings anymore and I was working towards baptism. We attended that kingdom hall for the next five years. I still was not ready for baptism, but become an unbaptized publisher.

When I was 14 my grandmother’s husband died and we relocated back to the area where the abuse had occurred. We lived a mere 10 minutes from my dad and he was still in good standing attending meetings at the kingdom hall where we previously attended as a family. He was still in the same area as us for assemblies and conventions which did not seem fair. I figured with his conviction that he would have been disfellowshipped. He was not as I did not have two eye witnesses to the abuse.

Later on at the age of 19, I was being denied the opportunity to be baptized as a JW. I found out from a young brother who wanted to get to know me better that an elder , Brother Don B. went to all my fellow congregation members telling the families not to be alone with us because if we were alone with them, we would say they raped us. This led to very awkward meetings, not being invited get togethers, service attendance. Very few people would talk to us which lead to me stopping my meeting attendance. I felt so humiliated that I could not face another Jehovah’s Witness.

I began college classes where in my Sociology class I found out that the Jehovah’s Witness religion was a cult. I was relieved by this discovery and continued seeking more knowledge outside of the society’s publications. I attained my associate’s degree, got married to a man I met in college and started a family.

It was sad that I no longer had the foundation of people I had grown up with as Jehovah’s Witness. It was bittersweet and I do not regret my choices nor my growth and freedom as a “worldly” person free of JWs.

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My experience as a Jehovah’s Witness. I was baptized at fourteen and was touched a few times sexually by a witness family member. I told a teacher and adult sister in the congregation about my experience. When I reported my abuse to the Elders in the congregation, they "publicly reproved" me for slander and gossip. The judicial committee made up of three old men stated, "Even if it's true, talking to others about the abuse brings reproach on Jehovah's name."

My life quickly spiraled with my home life ripped apart with the police involved, court processes, and child protective services. The Elders privately reproved the family member when he confessed, he is still a member and but no longer has privileges in the congregation twenty-eight years later. I was marked in the congregation as a liar at fourteen.

While my family life was in turmoil, I babysat for a twenty-three year old divorced brother (his ex-wife was disfellowshipped for cheating) and who offered to check in on our family and help with homework as my grades were slipping. He quickly made advances, gave me a promise ring, and we started having sex while my family was going through the court process for a year. I now felt, no brother was ever going to want me now that I wasn't a virgin, and I had no value to a man.

So when this brother showed me attention, I was relieved as it made me feel I was not valueless. The week before I had to testify in court, my best friend in the congregation confronted me to confess to the elders about the abuse by the brother, or she would tell on me to them. My tutor, the now twenty-four year old, was scared of prosecution, so he asked me to marry him that weekend. I was pressured to forge the date on my birth certificate, and we ran off to Las Vegas and got married. When I came back, I was now a fifteen year old married adult legally, I could not be required to testify as I was no longer a minor. My family coerced me to not testify against my JW molester in court to not bring reproach on Jehovah, the case was dropped.

What was my reward for protecting the organization? The Elders disfellowshipped us both for fornication and threw us out of the congregation with our families cutting us off as well, dumping us into the world. I was now the property of a twenty-four year old worldly man. I had no one but him. To try and get back to everything that I had known, I went to every meeting for a year, and I wrote long letters every month to request and beg to be reinstated. After a year of being shunned by everyone I knew, being at meetings three times a week and ignored, it was a constant humiliation. The Elders coldly rejected me each and every time. The cruelty from my friends. family and the Elders caused the love I once had for the organization to be lost, and I gave up and faded out, but still believed in the organization to be guided by God.

I lived in a constant state of not being enough. My husband continued the abuse, he exploited my lack of self worth and shared me sexually with others, and I had a hard time with who I was. I had no identity outside of my husband and didn't even know my own likes and dislikes.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses told me for years what the world expected of worldly people, so I did everything I could do to fit it. Unhappy and depressed, I tried to kill myself at nineteen, and they diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder. I finished high school, and I went to college. I struggled for about fifteen years.

Finally, I left my husband and started creating my own friendships. I started a few successful businesses and am HAPPY now. Even with the ups and downs of life, I am balanced. I can be sad, and it not be the end of the world. I can be angry, acknowledge it, and let it pass.

I don't know if I still have a borderline personality disorder, but unlike when I was nineteen, I know who I am, my likes and dislikes, and am confident enough to say so. While it is true, I don't trust anyone 100%, but I am satisfied in my relationships and not scared of abandonment anymore. I no longer feel I have to be someone else, that I am enough, the way that I am. While I am still impulsive, yet I am happy with that trait. Being a doer serves me well.

Recently, I learned that my situation is not unique. It was not only my Elders, but was a letter of instruction from the Governing Body (leadership of Jehovah’s Witnesses) written in 1989, to quiet victims by disciplining them for reporting their abuse. The abusers were getting by with little discipline and private consequences. In contrast, their victims had to be silenced and live with the abuse and be forced to work their way back into the congregation in a humiliating experience of being disciplined with no love or support from friends or family.

So many of you out there have similar stories, while each are unique, you are not alone. We are part of something bigger; we are first-hand witnesses to the organization hiding the truth and protecting evil. We have strength in numbers and those numbers are big. "Faith without works is dead." So keep the faith and keep bearing witness to the truth.

"The truth will set you free."

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Many of you know that I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. When I was 14, I was groomed, molested and sexually abused for over a year by a 24-year-old married man who was a member of our local kingdom hall.

When the Elders (equivalent to priests) were alerted to his behavior with me, I was blamed for tempting a married man. I was 14. In a second meeting with the Elders months later, the two-witness rule (which is a JW policy which requires two Witnesses be present at an event of abuse before police are contacted) shielded the perpetrator and kept me in harm's way. I was told that I could not pursue baptism any longer. I was shunned from the congregation.

I miscarried his child in my bedroom closet when I was 15 years old. I never told anyone, not even him, so to my family and close friends, I'm sorry if you are having to see this for the first time here.

This is not the only trauma I faced in the JW'S, nor in my adult life. But those experiences are mine to process and heal from. Do not ask, I will not respond.

It took me 13 years to even begin recovering from my experience. My artwork was my only means of processing it at all safely. I was so ashamed that I still struggle with anxiety sharing any of my work. I digress.

In 2019, I was going to kill myself. Then I decided that if I'm going to die anyway, I might as well report the perpetrator and maybe save another innocent girl from him.

The only evidence I had was in the form of love letters, 2 shared journals, gifts and photos he had given me. Back then, I was never given the chance to receive a rape kit, pregnancy test, or anything because of the JW'S refusing to tell police.

I filed a report, gave all the evidence and said "Do what you will."

The case carried on until August of this year. I almost didn't survive it. I was lucky enough to find a wonderful counselor.

Then, all of a sudden, the case was dropped by the state. The statute of limitations thwarted every plea deal they could offer, and with no biological evidence they could not prove "beyond a reasonable doubt" that it happened.

But I didn't give up. I filed for a full order of protection and faced my abuser in a mini-trial last month.

I refuted each one of his lies with his own handwritten words. I provided evidence to answer every question. I told my story, and I was more courageous than I ever knew I could be.

Full order of protection was granted. The judge reminded the perpetrator that he can have these charges pressed on him again and read him his rights.

In the end, I am content in knowing that if any of his other victims report him, ALL of this will be on his permanent record and that girl/woman will find the justice she deserves.

I did my best. I fought hard. I was brave. I survived. I am here to take care of my big sister. And I'm going to heal so I can help others heal too. The two-witness rule must be abolished.

Healing is possible.

"Did you know that when the season is right, a tree will send signals to each of its leaves to tell them to fall?"

I heard the Circuit Overseer speaking, but my mind was elsewhere. I didn't figure he was talking to me, anyway. It was a Wednesday morning, we were out in service. I was a Publisher at the time. I was 13. The car was full, with 3 older Sisters, myself, and the Overseer. I found it funny how the women gripped onto every word he said as if they were riding a rollercoaster. He continued;
"If you break a branch off of a tree and shake it as hard as you can, the leaves won't fall off! Isn't it wonderful, how each of Jehovah's creations are so unique?"

In that car, as I watched the outside world pass by, I understood what I was being faced with. Tears began to well, but I remained silent.
I could not stop thinking about Micah.

Micah was a 24 year old Brother in the congregation, and he was working towards becoming an Elder. He was married and lived in a nearby town. I believe the reason why he and his wife first invited me and my siblings over was because they took pity on us. We were from a big family (14 siblings), we were raised without formal education and our parents were completely absent.
My younger brother, my elder sister and I went for a visit, to study the bible with the couple. Micah's wife became my sister's Bible Study partner, and Micah studied with my brother. I was just sort of there. Quiet, withdrawn and shy. I would sit in the livingroom and draw pictures in my sketchbook most days, as I had no interest in the studies.

Within a few months, we had all grown close enough as friends to be staying at Micah's home overnights. I would sleep on the livingroom floor. We stayed with the couple on Saturday nights when we needed a ride to the Kingdom Hall for Sunday morning meetings.

Before the sun rose on the day of a Convention, I awoke to find Micah crouched over me in the dark. No one else was awake yet. My skin crawled as his hands caressed my body and I felt his breath on my skin. My heart was pounding but I steadied my breath, pretending to be asleep. He leaned in close to my face, nuzzling my cheek with his lips... Then he quietly went back to his room.
I was 13. I'd never experienced anything like that before. I lay on the floor staring at the ceiling until the sun rose and everyone else woke up.
At the Convention, Micah sat next to me. At every given opportunity, he would nudge my hand with his own. I didn't know what to do, so I kept my eyes on the Elder speaking at the podium. Before I knew it, he was holding my hand in his own, discreetly hidden between our laps.
My hand trembled, and I looked at him. His eyes were reassuring, his expression very gentle.

As the year progressed, so did Micah's level of petting, as if it all was a slow, strange game I'd never played before. Secret hand-holding, long hugs and midnight caresses became routine.
I recall one night when my sister and Micah's wife were away. My brother, Micah and I stayed up late playing video games together. My little brother fell asleep on the couch next to me, then Micah began petting me. He kissed my neck, and I looked over at my sleeping brother. So innocent and unassuming, for he was just a child. If I screamed, he would be traumatized by what was happening and I feared we would both be in danger. I had to protect my brother. For his sake, I had no choice but to remain silent and comply until Micah finally stopped.

The passing of time brought romantic poems, love letters, gifts and long chats on the internet. I figured, now at 14, that what I was experiencing must be love. Micah assured me of it.
When I found out that he began sneaking onto my parents' property at night and watching me through my bedroom window, I tried to put a stop to it by agreeing to meet with him alone in a secluded place down the road from my parents' house. I had to meet with him often. It became a nightly occurrence, for months. I don't know how we never got caught, or why Micah's wife never spoke up.

We finally got caught by my second elder sister, and the entire mess was reported to the Elders of the congregation. Interviews ensued, conflicts arose, and there was I, a young sheltered girl, faced with a monster that I felt I had created. When the Elders interviewed me, I was scared to death. Micah had contacted me beforehand, telling me what I should say and do to make it all go away. After E-mails, letters and other evidence was provided to the Elders, it was concluded that I was to blame. The entire situation was then swept under the rug, so to speak.

I hated myself. I hated myself for ruining Micah's life. When he asked me to meet him again via a secret note, I agreed, feeling that I owed him an apology. That night, he told me he wanted to take me away to a faraway place, where we could be free to love eachother forever. He said, "I would rather be hung as a lion than a lamb."
He kissed me deeply. My first kiss. He touched my breasts, and rubbed his fingers between my thighs.
He took me far away... but we did not leave that spot. I felt as if I wasn't really there, like I was just a spectator.

After that, I withdrew from him completely. I stopped attending the meetings, I never left my home. I covered my windows with black trash bags, and emotionally cut myself away from my family. I began to cut myself and attempted suicide by drowning myself. I failed at that and instead drowned an innocent puppy.
I was living in hell. My world was devoid of happiness, justice and God's love. I wanted to die. It was all my fault, I told myself, just as the Elders had told me. All I knew was guilt and shame, and I was convinced that I deserved to die.

Now, ten years later, I think of the Overseer's story about the tree. I understand, now.
My branches have been broken, and no matter how hard I shake, the leaves will never fall.

Thank you.

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THIS ABUSER HAS PASSED ON BUT HIS STORY IS CHILLING . The wife ignored incidents, later when the facts came out she kept quiet to protect her children. children.The elders in at least 4 congregations patted him on the back and blamed the children and one woman victim. I will give the last of the story because I personally was trying to keep him from hurting other people. He finally came to justice when a grand child of a 3rd women he married turned him in and at last he spent 5 years in prison. I knew he abused and was a serial abuser and also read two news articles of women being killed in towns were he worked and suspected that also. His wife ,I thought would help to get evidence so I told her about the news articles , one was across the street from where his office was, the other was a van description like his. He stalked a sister right after I told her to watch for behaviior that was not normal. She did not tell me until 2 years later. Back to the elders the single sister who was stalked was disfellowed because he spied on her having a affair. He was talked to nothing else, they moved because her mom was mad. Years later his wife told me I thought you were out of your mind to think he would kill someone, but in 2 instances of panic she told me twice, once I called the police but she would not tell her story and they listened to me like I was making it up. Finally, while he was in prison my daughter who was also a victim, contacted the police, they worked a little on it, but just before he was released, she talked to the policman and he told her there are a lot of his relatives here, You are endangering yourself to continue. After his release he went to a small town, I found out he as going in service with a pioneer sister and giving her his women calls. This was about 7 years ago. I ask my husband an elder to call the presiding overseer in that congregation, to warn them. He knew of the abuse and the prison term because the abuser had been smart to tell him, I ask my husband to stick with the facts, my daughter,my friends 2 sisters, one he took a gun to force her and her boyfriend to get in his car and she ran away,a child here that went to the elders with nothing done and a friend of mine that call me and reported it to the elders. The overseer told my huband we know about the prison sentence he told us and your wife, that is her word against his!

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I was 5 years old when my mom started going to bible study. No more holidays, no more birthdays, no more anything. But that was fine with me. We lived in Quincy, MA and for the first time in my life, I had other children to play with, and my mother had other single moms to associate with. We were active, we were happy, we were not shunned. I wanted to be baptized just like my mom some day and go door-to-door and help others to repent their sins to Jehovah and live in peace on earth.

Then we moved to Wooster, OH. Mom was still single and I was 9 years old. One of the sisters in the congregation was a babysitter and her husband was an brother on his way to being an Elder. They lived right up the street from us. I started going there because I was getting beat up at school. They had children my age and I loved being around them.
But mom was looked down on because she was single. Members of the Congregation really didn't want to have anything to do with us. Then, about a year after we moved to Wooster, it happened. This "Brother" did things I wasn't sure I was to comfortable with. It happened for quite some time. I was to afraid to tell my mom. Who's going to believe me over him? My mom already beat the snot out of me on a regular basis.
Child services had been called, but the congregation helped mom to keep me. Because it would have been so tragic to let me go live with my dad.

Now my mother helped these people to buy a house. And as I got older
(11) the things that were happening happened less and less. Then I started to worry. There were other kids in this house!!! Younger children. What if he was doing it to them instead? So I asked his daughter, who was only a couple years younger then me. Does your daddy do blah blah blah? Her response to me was that was just daddy playing.
I wanted to die. Literally. How was I, an 11 year old little girl going to stop this? I couldn't let it go on.

I didn't have to. The daughter told her mother that night what we had talked about. The mother confronted her husband and they both went to the Elders about it. He was made to come to my house and tell my mother what had happened. You know what her response to me was? Your clothes are to revealing. Shorts in the summer is to revealing. I never cried so hard in my life.

Shortly after words, after a Sunday meeting, I was taken into a room full of all the Elders in the Congregation by my self. Do you know what they said? Because he is repentant to Jehovah, this is not going to leave the Congregation. We are not getting the police or anybody involved. WHAT!!!! I cried some more.

Well, of course I told my dad what had happened and my grandmother too.
Neither of which had anything to do with Jehovah's Witnesses. Based on what happened with this man, the courts awarded custody to my dad. Now please remember this was prior to all of this major sexual predator offenses they now have. But this man served only weekends in jail and had to pay for my counseling. His wife lost her babysitting license.
He wasn't disfellowshipped. But 2 years later my mom was for having pre-marital sex. This, from the same Elders who were okay with a man molesting a little girl.

I will never bad mouth Jehovah's Witnesses. My time with the people in Quincy were some of the most joyous times of my life. But as they say, it only takes one bad apple to ruin the bunch, and that for me is the truth.

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I started studying with Jehovah's Witnesses when I was only seventeen years old. My parents were quite opposed to this, as they thought that it was a cult, and to my surprise six years later, I realize that it is.

I was a very enthusiastic young witness, always wanting to do the right thing. I was prepared to make any sacrifice that I had to in order to please Jehovah God, and I did. I lost all of my childhood friends, but felt that I had gained new ones in the Kingdom Hall.

Just before I was baptized in the summer of 2002, I attended a barbecue hosted at a large farm by one of the families in our Vegreville Congregation. I met a young man there and I felt that we immediately had a connection. I was under false pretences at the time that "all Jehovah's Witnesses are good" and so I never questioned anyone's motives in the organization, I just assumed that everyone was a good person who wanted to serve Jehovah. This young man, twenty six at the time, seemed wonderful, charming and kind. He especially enjoyed children and I was moved by how he was able to connect with the children on their level and play so well with them. We spent nearly the entire afternoon together and then at the end of the evening we exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. It was only a matter of days until we started talking very frequently and began dating. He had come to visit my congregation often and the very first time he did, a brother, not a ministerial servant or an elder approached me and said that, "this brother was no good." but he refused to tell me on what pretended he thought so. I was baffled. I didn't heed his advice because I thought that it was unfair in the eyes of Jehovah to judge someone by gossip and hearsay. So I mentioned this to my boyfriend and assured him that I could make up my own mind about him and didn't need a second opinion. We continued to date and then when I moved away to go to college we broke it off with the intension of getting back together after I was finished my program. Two years later, we did see each other again. It was my goal to regular pioneer and I wanted a husband who would join me in the full time ministry. I brought this up several times and after being quite angry that I would want this from him finally told me that he could NEVER pioneer. I couldn't understand this, as I was unaware that people could have their privileges taken away. I tried extremely hard to get him to open up to me and tell me what he had done. He wouldn't. I left it alone thinking that in his own time he would tell me. Again, I was warned that he was "not a good brother" by the exact same brother, but I kept thinking that this was unkind to say that about anyone and kept staying with him.

Finally my boyfriend had proposed to me, and we were engaged. Once everyone had heard this, they all seemed happy, but a little reserved. I didn't know why, until....

I had gotten angry with my husband -to -be because he refused to tell me of his past transgression. I insisted that he tell me if I was going to marry him. What he had told me was shocking. There was no way I could have ever been prepared for what he was about to tell me. He told me while we were on the telephone, when he had finished I nearly fainted and dropped the phone.

He had said, " I touched some children." I was shocked. I wanted to know everything as, he had wanted to have children with me as soon as we got married. He had said that he had preformed numerous acts of sodomy on children his nieces and nephews from the ages of 3 years old up to 8 years old. This went on for years. I wanted to know the details, to know how severe this was. He claims that he touched their genitals orally as well as manually when they were sleeping. In his mind, they children had no recollection of this because they were "asleep". I was outraged. I was spinning. I didn't understand why the elders would allow someone that had performed these acts in the congregation. He told me that he was "publicly reproved" and his privileges of serving as an elder, ministerial servant or regular pioneer were also taking away, but that he was free to go out in service as much as he liked. He was not accompanied by an elder in the field service, I know because I was there. On several occasions he was out in service with young girls and boys, with no one supervising him! I wanted him to be arrested for his crimes, but his family refused to press charges. I wanted him to seek therapy, but he refused. I talked to his parents about this matter explaining that I didn't know how to deal with this issue, as I could never trust our future children with him. They explained to me that it was "taking care of" and to stop making trouble and leave it alone. I approached the elders and they brushed it off saying that they didn't want to deal with this because they could be sued for "slander" as could I if I went to the authorities. They best solution they said was to "forgive and forget. He is sorry for what he has done." That wasn't good enough for me. I dumped him. Anyone that protects child molesters does NOT have God's spirit. I finished my last talk and never went back to the kingdom hall, and probably never will. The brothers didn't talk to me for 10 months then called me on the phone and claim that I was to be disfellowshiped for putting pumpkins on my deck for Halloween. In an organization that disfellowships people for something as petty as that but does not disfellowship the members that are child molesters is insane.

Thanks for listening.

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I was born into the truth- I'm 35 years old now.

When I was 8 years old, my father, who was an elder, had friends who came to visit frequently. The friends had a son named ______. _________ began sexually molesting me when I was 8 and he was 16. I can't recall how long that went on, but the memories I have are of the ground and the trees and my hair being caught up under me and I couldn't move. I was outside most every time and was usually playing alone or with a friend he'd dismiss to get me alone. When I was 14, I admitted all of this to my mother. She went promptly to my father and family. I believe the other family was contacted but nothing happened.

My brother was molested by one of the JW brothers who had volunteered to baby sit he and I one night while my parents went out. I believe my brother was around 5 or 6 years old. I have no idea what happened to this man, but he was eventually disfellowshipped for other reasons some time later.

My other brother is now an elder. He has a son who when he was 13 years old, we caught trying to give oral sex to my then 5 year old daughter. We removed him from our home immediately, called his parents and they denied everything to begin with and then my nephew came clean a few days later. I don't believe he went through counseling or anything was done to correct the behavior. He did call us and apologize. But my fear is that something has happened to _____ to make him act out like this- perhaps he's had the same things done to him?

Thank you for having a site like this - I have had healing just from sharing and reading that there are others just like me. Thank you.

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I Was Raised In "The Truth" And Am A Survivor Of Incest

M P

I was raised in "the truth." I was born into a Jehovah’s Witness family in 1977 in the Caribbean, in Belize. It’s a small country about the size of Vermont with a few hundred thousand descendants of African slaves, Mayans, the Spanish, and British colonialists. We immigrated to the States when I was about four years old, in 1981. Within a couple of years, we moved right across the street from the L C Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses in south central Los Angeles, California. My parents had already converted to The Truth, as the religion is called by its members, after some men came to their door in Belize about a decade earlier. My dad quit smoking and my mom sewed matching dresses for me and my twin sister N to wear to the meetings and to book studies.

I can honestly say that I remember L C as a warm congregation filled with earnest and loving faces – the M’s, a young interracial couple with four young children who’d spend evenings at our home watching Lakers games in the 1980s, the C’s, the Y’s, including my best friend D, and lots of other "friends." People really believed in the religion. It was the perfect solution for whatever my parents had just escaped from. My only clues as to what those things are is that I know that they were both raised as Anglicans, or basically Catholics. My dad was from a poor, rural, alcoholic family and my mother was severely physically and emotionally abused by her mother until her late teens. Both my parents were and are people of color – my mom is Black and my dad a mix of Spanish, mestizo and some white, I think. They met in the sixties, fell in love, found "the truth," and moved to the States. All of a sudden, I guess, life made sense and they had all of the answers. The grocery stores were filled with aisles of food, we had five television sets, this was the land of opportunity, and everything would get better still because they were "just waiting for the New World Order." "The End was near." "This old system of things will soon come to an end."

I remember the five day district conventions at Dodgers’ Stadium and I participated in a Circuit Assembly in Norco. Me and N refrained from doing the pledge of allegiance at school, and we stayed away from children who were part of "the world." No dances, no birthdays, no holidays, no dating, no sleepovers, no smoking marijuana, no playing sports (although that issue was forced in high school when we both wanted to run track and field). No nothing. We were perfect, pure little gems who had to be home by dark every night. My mother would work all day at a doctor’s office as a medical biller and my dad had about three jobs in the 1980s, including one job as a security guard. I remember my mother peeling off his hot, wet socks after he’d pass out on the bed some nights when he’d come home after work. He worked hard. One night he got us a black Labrador puppy named C. And a set of baseball gloves and bats. My parents bought a motor home and took us all camping every now and then. We went to Las Vegas a lot. It was a seemingly wonderful little immigrant, post-colonial family complete with a nice set of Victorian arm chairs and couches covered in plastic. .

And then, when I was about eight years old, my father started coming into our room, the kids’ room, late at night after he’d got home from work and my mother was sleeping with the TV on. I could hear him making huffing and puffing noises next door behind the partition with my older sister S. He started coming over to me and my sister N’s bunk bed and touching us, caressing us, kissing us, and even fondling my brother in his bed. One day I asked him why he came in and touched us at night and he said, "Oh no no no, darling. That’s our little secret. But if anyone ever tells you about another ‘little secret’ you come tell me right away okay? You’re Daddy’s little girl and I love you." I said, "Okay. I love you too, Daddy." My dad took me into the shower with him when I was only eight or nine years old and he made me do crazy things. I started wetting the bed at night and then sleeping in my older sister S’s bed with her. I slept in her bed as often as I could until I was about fourteen years old.

When we moved to A in the High Desert about an hour and half away, the abuse got worse. My dad lost his job as chief security guard at a mall in Los Angeles, we could barely keep up with the bills, and my brother was giving trouble. The abuse escalated to unspeakable proportions, and my mother didn’t seem to notice a thing. Even when I was sulking one day after being forced to perform oral sex the night before and my father said out loud, in my mother’s presence, "I know what M’s going to do. She’s going to go to the authorities and say that I’m abusing her." My mother said, "Oh, she’d never do a thing like that." They both dismissed me and went about their business.

We had book study meetings at our home and occasional congregational "get-togethers." My father was a ministerial servant in the A congregation, someone who was supposed to set an example for everyone. My sister and I became auxiliary pioneers, going door to door on a regular basis. We talked about good morals and values during the day, but at night we were molested regularly and brutally by my father. On nights when my mother was working in Los Angeles and spending the night down there, my dad would come into our rooms masturbating, smiling crazily, and smelling like rum. I saw both of my sisters raped, one in broad daylight. (Since I have brought all of this up in the family in recent years, one sister has denied the rapes and said that what I remember is "nothing but Satan and his minions possession [my] mind.") And I was held down and raped by my father, the man of God, the head of the family who was supposed to protect me and love me and be good to me, on several occasions. It was a nightmare.

Now, somehow, I made it into adulthood and am a practicing civil rights attorney. I spend my days helping people who have been violated, harassed and discriminated against in the workplace. It’s fulfilling work, but sometimes a little triggering. Somehow, I made it out of what I now consider to be a cult called the Jehovah’s Witnesses and out of an abusive family. The first step was completely exiting the situation. I managed a scholarship to a college three thousand miles away when I was seventeen even though, at the time (1995), the Witnesses discouraged going to college and recommended just spending a life going to door to door preaching because "the End" was too near to waste time on higher education. Somehow, after acting out with years of alcoholic behavior, substance abuse, abusive relationships, and other self-destructive habits, I’m just arriving at a place where I have a personal relationship with a loving God of my choosing and with friends and family members that I choose to trust and love. God is a loving God. I’ve had to have and still do participate in all kinds of intensive therapy, including therapy for dissociation and "integrating" different parts of my personality that were "split off" because of the abuse. I’ve been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, taken medication when the memories got really bad, and done lots of writing. I used to feel very ashamed and confused about all of this, but it is just who I am. I’ve recently reported the abuse by my father to the police and District Attorney in A, Los Angeles, and Belize and I am contemplating taking adverse civil action against my father and the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Thankfully, in California the statutes of limitation are generally extended in cases like mine.

I hope that what I have gone through will help someone else in their journey. Most of all, I hope that my new outlook on the past will help those of us ex-Witnesses who may feel that we have lost precious time in this devastating religion or that we have lost our innocence because of the abuse. It’s my belief now that I would not be the person I am today were it not for my parents and the religion that they chose. I love my family and even though I choose not to be around them or their religious beliefs, there is nothing that they could ever do that could make that love go away. I have no problem stating that they thought they had "the truth," but it was just a pack of lies. They taught us to be pure, but that is not what they practiced. In my opinion, the religion is place where evil is easily manifested because children are taught to obey only those associated with the religion, with "the truth," and deny the rest of the world. This often means denying what is right in front of our eyes. The most trusted and most important people are the parents, then the ministerial servants, then the elders, and on up. No room, as I remember it, for psychiatrists, therapists, lawyers, police, and other authority figures not associated with the truth. I think this is the reason why my sister has accused me of being "possessed by Satan." That seems to be the family’s answer to every challenge – it’s just the hand of Satan moving about.

The End never did come and even if it is coming, it won’t change the fact that there is a lot of pain that was caused by my father’s experience of alcoholism in his family and my mother’s experience of physical and emotional abuse in her family. We also have the legacy of colonialism and racial hurts that have been passed down for years and years. I think this was also something that my father must have been trying to communicate when he engaged in such shocking behavior and what my mother must have been avoiding when she refused to see it. I don’t think they ever got over their own "isms" and they passed those legacies of trauma, denial and abuse on down to me and to my siblings. We were supposed to cover it all up and smooth it over by being good Witnesses. But not me. They can count me the hell out. The cycle of hurt, trauma, and denial stops with me. It has been observed by many writers and scholars that the religion of the Jehovah’s Witnesses is one of those intense Christian sects that people tend to use to cover up deep scars and wounds of the past. I firmly believe that if these deep scars and wounds are not faced and dealt with directly, they will show themselves in the end anyway. And that is the real truth.

M P

mdp@revelationlaw.com

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To begin, I am so thankful for coming across this website. I had no clue that there were so many people, mainly women who have been affected by JW's.

My story started when I was ten almost eleven years old. I was born into the truth as they call it through my mother. She has been a faithful witness for nearly 30 years now. After my father left I was shipped to Haiti to live with my mother because my sister couldn't take care of all four of us on her own. However, before my father left he became very abusive physically. He would get mad for no reason or would hit us whenever my stepmother told a lie about us. He used to beat me with an extension cord. Till this day we all have the scars to prove it. I remember being very young and my sister going to the elders for help, and they suggested that she remain humble and accepts the beatings. They also would make her feel it was her fault and that she was provoking him and that's why he would beat us.

Going back to the story, when I arrived in Haiti, I was met by my mother and my sister's boyfriend. At first he seemed really nice, caring, supportive, understanding; he would always bring me something when he would visit. After a few moths our special relationship changed. He became very affectionate and touchy. My mother would bring me to his house and leave me there for the day. He was a grown man in his twenty's and I was eleven years old. He started out by kissing me on the lips and told me that he wanted to taste my lips and that it was very sweet. He than started to touch me every chance he got. This went on until I was shipped to Florida. After spending a year in Florida living with strangers, I was sent back to Haiti. The touching then turned to sexual molestation. As soon as I returned he started to molest me again, then showing me how to perform oral sex on him the way he wanted it. At age 13, he got me pregnant ironically my great mother didn't bother to ask me why I haven't gotten my period for two months. At first I didn't know I was pregnant, he knew I was because he always kept track of my period. He convinced me that by getting an abortion was the only right thing and that I wasn't ready for motherhood, also that it would ruin everything if people found out. He convinced me that I was doing the right thing. He took me to his friend's (another woman) and told her it was by someone else. After I had the abortion it started all over again. My mother never asked any questions never questioned him about his behavior never did anything to stop it. The night I lost my virginity my mother was sleeping right next to us. To this day she swears that it never happened and defends him. After enduring this for three years I finally got enough courage to tell the elder I was studying with.

At first he was shocked and then confronted my mother. After having a meeting with my mother and my now brother-in-law they all concluded I was crazy and was making up lies. My brother-in-law was privately reproved for thirty days. It stopped for a little while until I cam back to NY. My mother after knowing what had happened would leave me with him. He would try and touch me every chance he got even with his two daughters in the other room. I would try to stay in the other room away from him and pray that someone would come home. Finally when the opportunity came for me to leave I jumped on it. He continued to try and contact me even after we were no longer living under the same roof. After about 3 months he stopped. After I told the elders my mother shunned me. She refused to talk to me to do any of the things she use to do, meanwhile she continued to pamper her son-in-law.

This became a dead issue that no one dares to talk about. My sister suspected but on the advice of my mother did nothing. She never told any one in the family what happened and simply called it revenge against my brother-in-law and that I was jealous of my sister. A few months that same brother who molested, raped, and manipulated me is now an elder in a position to do this to other young girls. I hate this religion and most of the people in it. No one reached out for me when I needed them. No one tried to protect me. Over the years I was the bad girl and still am, and the perpetrator is the victim. After what happened I lost all faith in JW and God. I will never go back and will never encourage my children to join that evil cult.

I thank all the women who had the courage to stand up and speak out.

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Silent Lambs,

I was so overjoyed to finally read stories from other "silentlambs". I myself have been silent for many years. I was raised a witness in L, MD. My parents were not raised as witnesses but studied shortly after being married and became baptized. The couple that studied with them had a son "Jon" who was nine years my senior. From the time I was five until age eleven "Jon" molested me. I remember trying to tell my mother at one point when I was five who denied my allegations as "Jon" just being friendly. By the time I was eleven I was smart enough to lock myself in my room, however one day "Jon" broke in and raped me. At which point I told no one and endured the physical and emotional pain over knowing I would be called a liar again. "Jon" however was not the only one who molested me when I was a small child "Randy" who was sixteen also molested me. "Randy's" father was an elder whom we visited often. "Randy" is now an elder of a congregation in Maryland. I cringe to think of this man having a position of shepherding the flock when he was the wolf in sheep’s clothing to begin with. I have been disfellowshipped twice now and have never forgiven my mother for turning me away because of fear of these elders of the congregation and their threats of bringing reproach on Jehovah's name. I am disgusted to think that these predators are not viewed as the people bringing reproach to Jehovah's name. I have never truly trusted any man who is a Jehovah’s Witness. I don't think I ever could. After all they were the people who we were not supposed to have to worry about because of the moral stance they were supposed to have but they were the very ones who took my innocence.

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I was born and raised one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. There are times when I can’t stop reading this web site. It is so comforting to read about people who really understand, although I certainly feel terrible about the pain that they have experienced. Long story short: I was a “perfect elder’s daughter in a perfect elder’s family” composed of a half-brother (now at Gilead), a half-sister (my best friend & now Catholic) & a sister (miserable). I am the youngest. My mother has been a regular pioneer since I went off to kindergarten. I was great in field service, participated in all meetings, studied the bible daily, was baptized at 12, was in multiple circuit assembly & district convention parts, etc. I think that in a culture where personal success/fulfillment is so taboo, we naturally become “obsessed” with these “spiritual things” because it is the only way we know how to be good at something! It is truly our only source of recognition! I have to admit that I view my childhood pretty fondly. My mother is an absolute Saint & she was amazing. She really taught me what being a good mother is all about. Like many witness women, she struggles with depression & therefore is very easily controlled by the “men”. I don’t blame her because I really believe that she does what she deeply believes is the right thing to do… and you can’t really blame someone for that… When I was about 19 I moved out of my parent’s home & stopped going to meetings. I knew I wanted to think for myself. Shortly thereafter, I found out that my father, the service overseer, had molested my sister (half-sister) many years ago. She also left the organization when she was about 19. He, of course, denied it & I’m sure that with the “2 witness” principle, you can figure out how the rest of the story went. I don’t remember any sexual abuse when I was young, but I have HATED my father for most of my life without really knowing why. He actually seemed glad to see me go (leave the congregation). It gave him an excuse to not speak to me anymore (something he had been practicing most of my life). I miss my mother & other sister terribly but unfortunately they are simply not mentally & emotionally strong enough to break free. I am extremely lucky however to have an amazing sister who I am very close to & a wonderful fiancé. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

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My name is AK. I am a 23 year old woman. I was also raised jw. In a small town, St.Thomas, Ontario. (the worst congregation ever!) Anyways, I am disfellowshipped now and couldn't be happier. My mother was a closet alcoholic. She beat us all the time over nothing. I have an older brother and a younger sister. He is now df'd as well. My sister is 18 and sitting on the fence. I was sexually molested my whole childhood by an older cousin of mine. He was baptized the entire time that he was raping me. The first time I can remember, I was 5 years old. It continued until I was 14. By that time he had been married for a few years and was (and still is) a ministerial servant. Since he started when I was so young I did not know that it was wrong. Later when I started telling him to stop because I thought that it wasn't right, he told me that it was our secret. So it still went on. He was a very strange, twisted individual. I need not say anymore. It basically stopped when I hit highschool. He lived about an hour away and I believe was destroying another poor soul. For years I blocked it out of my head with good help from drugs and alcohol. Which obviously led to my disfellowshipping. When I was 18, I married a jw. (before I was df'd) We ended up both smoking,druging and drinking. We both got df'd before our wedding so no one attended. Shortly after we got reinstated. We never really attended meetings. We were still secretly smoking. Anyways my husband started doing hard drugs. He'd come home late from work, I never knew what he was doing or where he was. He lied to me all the time. One day I walked in on him and 'my friend'. I finally left the loser and the jw's for good. I met a wonderful man and moved in with him right away. I told him my life story. He had an idea where I was coming from since one of his step sisters is a jw. The elders found out where I was and kept calling me telling me that they were going to df me. I did not care. I told them go ahead, I don't want any thing to do with a religion that allows pedifiles to be in thier church.( I had told the elders what my cousin was doing to me, they asked him and he denied it so they took his word) So finally they df'd me again (thank God). I'm still going through divorce proceedings from my ex. Its taking a while. He is still df'd. I moved as far away as possible with my boyfriend. We are out in B.C. We have a beautiful daughter together. Life is good. My mother is still a closet alcohloic and still in the religion. She doesn't talk to me much. She hates me. Thats okay cause I have all the family I need here. My heart goes out to all of you. Please get out of that cult while you can!

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It seems like a lifetime ago:

Today I am 47 years old. In 1962 when I was 5 years old my mother started studying with a pioneer, an absolutely wonderful, kindhearted woman. In our family there was Dad, Mom, I had two older brothers an older sister, and a younger sister so there was five children in our family. We were the children of two very unhappy people. I suppose Mom was looking for a greater meaning to her life, and the speeches that the witnesses give sound so wonderful. But in my experience in all the years I was associated with the brothers and sisters, the Kingdom Halls and all that goes along with it, I have to say that the evidence of what they preach about and promise you, with the exception of a few is void and vacant. It's like someone promising you everything, all the while you don't see the true unconditional love, the compassion, all that you read in scripture, is twisted and used against you.

In our family there was alcoholism, drug addiction, my poor older sister was subject to sexual abuse from my father , and my two older brothers for different periods of time. I my self was sexually abused by my younger older brother for I can't even tell you how long maybe 6 months a year?? Isn't that horrible, something like that happens to you and you can't even remember exactly when. I don't want to go into all the details or my whole story, but as a result of many things my father, and my younger older brother were both disfellowshiped, subsequently our family was shunned, instead of finding compassion guidance, and Love we were dirty and shunned, Imagine that.

When I was 11 my father (disfellowshiped) died at the age of 45, he had to have surgery, there were complications he needed blood transfusions and Mom would not sign. Dad passed away early on a Saturday morning the 20 th of September 1969. To back up for a moment in 1967 my older brother met a sister from another congregation Chicago Ill to be exact, and we really have not had a steady relationship with him since then, we all know his wife is a great influence on him as well as the Kingdom Hall. The next sad part of our story is that on a Friday evening the 13 th of July 1974 at the age of 46 with none of us at home with her my mother passed away from a heart attack. Myself and my younger sister were in foster homes at the time she died. She died all alone!

Many times we needed guidance and compassion and direction, but only found those with in the Halls to be judgmental, controlling, and just down right evil, still today I can remember their eyes, they pierce straight through you. I guess I knew a lot of unhappy, miserable people in my life. All my life though I knew there was a God, it wasn't their Jehovah God though. My God was never mean to me.

My younger older brother the one who molested me, there came a time when I forgave him, and we had a pretty good relationship, because he was truly sorry. He died at the age of 48 on August 20 th 2000. We were very surprised at the fact that our oldest brother came here to MA from CO for his funeral. What a wonderful time I had with my brother staying in my home with my husband my children (his nieces and nephew) we were so happy to be together. It came time for him to go back, we were said but talked about me coming to CO. My brother returned home and within a week I received an e-mail from him saying that he could not have a relationship with me because his wife said to him "didn't he remember what our mother had done to me", what does what my mother might have done to her, have to do with my brother having a relationship with me??? That is just a small bit of evidence of much that I have seen over the years from many associated with the Jehovah's Witnesses, not much Love there, is there. To be as honest as I can there were little things that happened between Mom & J as all things do in families, but as grownups you say your sorry, you make up and get over it. My sister-in-law JC was unkind to a lot of people in her life. She has done much damage to my brother and I don't know if he will ever see it. One of the interesting things is that my sister's and I all feel that our brother married someone very much like our mother, how Ironic.

The Jehovah's Witnesses do not want anyone out side there circle to know anything because we would see the "TRUTH" for what it is. I have a most amazing relationship with God I have a healthy, wonderful relationship to say the least with my husband of 23 years and my three angels my children. Life is good for me, I found Paradise away from the Jehovah Witnesses. I feel sorry and pray for those who are lost, and suppressed by the organization. Open your eyes and learn how to Fly.

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hello...my name is mr x and i haveï¿½a story to tell..i lived in the vacinity of the London Bethel and was brought up as a JW. i spent alot of time at the bethel especially with the single brothers before and after preaching work. there was one particular brother, i cant recall his name but we were in his room. I was 14 at the time but a very young naive 14, due to my upbringing. Anyway, we were in his room and the bethelite wanted to play a game so i said okay.he said we had to take our clothes off and swap them to see what they looked like. he said it was a fun game. so i did..as far as my underwear, at which point the bethelite said, go on and the rest. I didnt feel comfortable but i thought ...well, it must be a normal game, so i did. then (and this is very difficult for me to say as NO ONE knows this AT ALL)...so bear with me.............he decided that swapping clothes was boring and we should play a different game, as in nameing parts of the body. I noticed t! hat his appendage was getting bigger but didnt understand why at the time. so after he touched me i became nervous and scared and put my clothes back on. i went home and didnt say anything to anyone and never have....PHEW!

NOW I HAVE......and i feel relief....thank you silent lambs....i am sure similar things have occured at the London Bethel but no one says anything....DO THEY? thats it for now....

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I am a fifty-six year old woman who was raped by a Jehovahs Witness at the age of eight years old, I was raised in the religion, I grew to hate it, even though I let my mom and dad talk me into being baptized at the age of 12. I always knew that the rape was real and so did my mom even though I did not tell her, the rapist was a member of the organization, he gave me V.D., I got very sick because of it. I grew up as a rebellious teenager, and was out of the house by 17, of course I was disfellowshiped. It was the best thing to ever happen to me, I went to college and learned a trade, found a supportive husband, and two great sons, their humour and love has made me the person I am. Even though sometimes it is painful not to have your mom in your life, she has missed out on so many things with her kids, but that was her choice, this religion is one of the worst, indeed a cult.. I still deal with the pain, finding your site is sure an eye opener, we have truly been silent too long....

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I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness but did not get baptized until after my divorce. I had two children, both boys who were very little when I officially became a Jehovah's Witness. Most of my immediate family were Jehovah's Witnesses, except for my father. He did not agree with the teachings.

Anyway, when my children were very little, I found out one of my sons had been molested by an elder's teenage son. The elder's son and this boy's younger sister had done babysitting for me on occasion. One day my little 2
1/2 year old son said something shocking to me. I knew something had happened because no child this age would say something like this or know this. I told the elder's wife about what my son had told me about what her teenage son had done to him. The elder father confronted his son and actually the wife told me that he was punching his son. Finally the boy admitted that he had molested my son and told his father in detail what he had done to him. One of the other elders called me and told me that Jehovah would handle this. He told me that I should not report this to the authorities. He said "the world does not know how to handle these situations". He said what had happened was simply childhood experimentation or playing doctor. I said "a 14-15 year old boy molesting a 2 year old is childhood experimentation?"

The only thing they did was they made this teenage boy apologize to me for the abuse he had done to my little son. This was the rape of a 2 1/2 year old child, and the elder's knew all the details.

Over the years this disgusted and haunted me. I kept thinking how could this be God's organization when this kind of thing is allowed? I became inactive and discouraged. My son was having problems and I kept wondering if it was because of what happened to him. I was a single divorced parent and this was just to much.

Then a few years ago, my brother who is an elder told me that his family had just found out that his granddaughter had been molested by an elder's son also. This was a different state than where I live in. She was only 6 years old and she was behaving strangely. It finally came out that this 17 or 18 year old elder's son had repeatedly molested her. My brother's step son and wife went to the elders of their congregation. The elders told my brother's step son and his wife to drop it and not to go to the police. They went to the police anyway and the guy was convicted and sent to prison. People at the Kingdom Hall hated them for this and many people were siding with this elder and his child molester son. My brother and his wife, and his step son and his family ending up moving out of state, they wanted to get a fresh start, they were all very wounded, especially the little girl. But the molester went to prison at least. But not due to any help from anyone in that congregation.

I thought about these things over the years and then I saw the Dateline program. I was so upset and it brought back all the memories from our own experiences. I was disgusted and it was then that I realized I had to get out of this organization. I officially disassociated myself in 2002 and I am now a Christian, and I would never go back.

Just wanted to tell my story. I am sure there are many other heartbreaking stories out there. I am the kind of person that stands up for what I believe and for what I think is right. I will stand against what I think is evil and wrong as well. I feel the organization is using the two witness rule to intentionally cover up evil. They are misusing scripture and using it for a purpose which God did not intend. They are lawless and I want no part of them.

Thank you for listening.

Anonymous in IL

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I am not a JW. Prior to finding this site, I knew very little about JW's, but certainly bore them no ill-will. Unlike those of you who have lived as JW's, or perhaps still live within that faith, I have no inner conflict over my following comments, and hope I am a ray of light to those who read this. I feel compelled to add that I view all humans as divine creations, and believe we are blessed to have minds that allow us to love and care for one another. I know that a loving God would be dismayed by the atrocities humans perpetrate against each other.
We may be from very different religious backgrounds, but sadly there are universal overtones in your s tori es and mine. BUT I BELIEVE WE ARE ALL LOVED EQUALLY BY GOD.

I was sexually abused for three years by a respected leader of our faith, in the guise of him being a "cool, in-touch" man, for whom normal rules didn't apply. Because of his role, and my respect for his position, and because my family were far more likely to believe him than me (he pointed that out continuously), I forced myself to believe that he was right and that as wrong as I felt, if I wasn't such a bad girl, I wouldn't have to try so hard to convince myself.
It started at a summer camp he was running. I was just gone 13, and had had my periods for over a year. One morning, as everyone was preparing for a hike, he sent for me and told me I would be staying back to do cleaning. He had reprimanded me the day before for a minor incident, and had promised a punishment. No hike or BBQ lunch, I got to clean toilets. As I was cleaning, he came into the bathroom, furious, and said that used sanitary pads had been found thrown onto the roof of my dorm, and all the girls were going to be checked to see who was menstruating. I was terrified by this, but as I didn't have my period at the time, I was relieved that it definitely wouldn't be me getting punished again. He said that as I had already shown a "wild side", I would be the first to be checked. I wanted to run out of that room, but I didn't dare move. He told me to remove all my clothes from the waist down. I started crying, and he said that he was a *****, and he had the absolute authority to do this. He raised his voice and said NOW!, DO AS YOU ARE TOLD IMMEDIATELY. In tears of humiliation and embarrassment, I did it, and covered my face as I stood there. He said the only way to know for sure was to look. I had to lie down on a cold toilet floor, and open my legs so he could see. He screamed at me for crying, and said he'd have to check me the "medical" way, because he couldn't trust me! He put his fingers in me, and then as I screamed in pain, he was on me and I was raped. After that, there was no way out of the "medical" checks. EVERY SUNDAY. They were violent, and always ended with me having to pray alone, for hours, before it was repeated and I was sent home. At 17, I finally left home, and the state, and have stayed away ever since. It took me 20 MORE YEARS before I forgave myself and realized that I was NOT THE ONE IN THE WRONG. To this day, my family refuses to hear a bad word against him, and I am estranged. BUT I AM FREE.

THIS IS MY MESSAGE: Life is a wonderful gift, and there is much love out there. No matter what has happened, YOU ARE 100% worth loving and being loved. God will deal with the people who have hurt us, betrayed our trust, and supported the perpetrators of any harm. The older I get, the more I believe that my greatest strength comes from loving myself and others, as does God, and that good will always triumph over bad. All of you out there who are in pain, you are survivors and an inspiration. You are a slap in the face to all those who wanted you to fail or fall, or even die. Believe in the goodness of each other, and leave it to God to mete out justice.
I wish you all positive and productive futures, and hope you find peace and love, as have I. God bless you all and may you be strong and of good courage. With love from Australia .

ACL

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I was raised in the truth. My father had spent a year at bethel and his family had been involved with the truth almost since the beginning (end of the 19th century).ï¿½My mother had joined at the age of 13.ï¿½

ï¿½When I was a little girl, there was nothing more comforting than my book of bible stories on tape.ï¿½I had lots of nightmares and this was the only thing that would help me sleep.ï¿½My mother was a VERY loyal and devoted witness with some mental problems.ï¿½She told me my nightmares were caused by demons.ï¿½That scared me even more.ï¿½I was told to call on Jehovah and they would leave me alone.ï¿½ My family was awakened en mass more than once to my hysteric screams for Jehovah's help.ï¿½

ï¿½When I was a toddler, my father exposed himself to me while I was playing with his bellybutton.ï¿½I touched it...it was something I'd never seen before.ï¿½ Mom walked in with a laundry basket and said, "don't touch that, it's Daddy's."ï¿½ She walked into the closet like nothing weird had happened.ï¿½I think there is more to that but I can't remember.ï¿½I later told my mother what I remembered without mentioning that she had walked in.ï¿½She said she didn't trust Dad alone with us at that time but she wouldn't say why.ï¿½

ï¿½When I started elementary school, I became a model witness.ï¿½I placed books with classmates and even managed to start bible studies.ï¿½I wanted to help everybody.ï¿½ But I soon discovered I couldn't even help my friends who were already in the truth.ï¿½My best friend told me that my close neighbor, had confided that her brothers raped her and her sister.ï¿½I spent time with this girl and already knew things were very strange there.ï¿½Her parents were never home and her brothers were in charge of watching us.ï¿½They gave us extra large helpings of icecream and anything else we wanted.ï¿½However, when I slept over, I always woke up in a different place than I had gone to bed...ï¿½Who knows.ï¿½What she had told about her brothers was reported to the elders.ï¿½No action was taken, but the family moved away shortly thereafter.

ï¿½Maybe a year after this friend of mine moved, my mother invited a Sister and her children to stay with us while they looked forï¿½a home.ï¿½This sister was involved in a short-lived movement called biokinesiology.ï¿½She believed she could use "muscle-testing" to identify negative influences and spirits.ï¿½She even believed she could identify buried memories of trauma.ï¿½During her short stay, our house was cleansed of stuffed animals, furniture, and Anne of Green Gables books that contained demons and therefore had to be burned.ï¿½She also told my mother that the reason for my premature spotting was sexual abuse by demons .ï¿½Near the end of this woman's stay the circuit overseer paid a personal visit to try to reign in my mother and her friend.ï¿½After his visit my mother became very confused.ï¿½ She eventually decided to cooperate because, "Jehovah appointed them as leaders for a reason, he knows best."

ï¿½My eldest sister was disfellowshipped when I was 11.ï¿½Within the next two my parents both had nervous breakdowns.ï¿½My father's business failed in 1994 and he had to be hospitalized for bipolar disorder.ï¿½He had been planning to shoot the man responsible for the business loss.ï¿½My mother became so self-destructive that she actually slit her wrist to get my father's attention during an argument.ï¿½ Dad tried to leave but I called the elders and he got out of the truck...he didn't want them to know he would leave two kids (my younger brother and I) alone with a woman in her condition.ï¿½The elders arrived and prayed with my father for strength in dealing with unstable women.ï¿½They never once thought to check to see if she needed medical care or even words of encouragement.ï¿½She could have bled to death.ï¿½They never looked in on her to see if it was serious.

ï¿½I decided that the only one I could count on was Jehovah.ï¿½I was baptized in 1995 when I was 13.ï¿½

ï¿½In the summer of 1998 my parents went to help a witness family move and clean up the rental they were vacating.ï¿½I was staying at home recovering from a concussion.ï¿½The brother they were helping move out suddenly showed up at my parents home where I was alone.ï¿½I'll call him brother M.ï¿½Brother M ran in the door and said he just wanted to see if I was all right and gave me a big hug.ï¿½ I said I was fine...but he wouldn't let go of me.ï¿½He kept groping me and eventually had me pinned against the counter in the kitchen.ï¿½His intentions were obvious and he left a bruise on my thigh with his penis.ï¿½My brother ran up the steps right before it was the point of too late.ï¿½Brother M let go of me before the door opened. Then he acted like nothing had happened.

ï¿½I told my parents what had happened and they decided to take it to the elders.ï¿½ The elders told me that my report confirmed a complaint another sister had made.ï¿½ They madeï¿½my parents and Iï¿½promise to be discreet and not discuss the incident with ANYONE else, not even close friends.ï¿½They said they would handle it.ï¿½After a few months, nothing had been done.ï¿½No announcement...nothing.ï¿½Brother M kept dropping by our house andï¿½my parents had promised not to create divisions; so I would go take a shower or make some other excuse so I would not have to see him.ï¿½At meetings, he made a point of coming over to hug me.ï¿½After the service meeting oneï¿½night,ï¿½Brother Mï¿½invited me to come spend time with his wife andï¿½ help her with the new baby.ï¿½One of the elders actually piped in and saidï¿½thatï¿½ would be really supportive of me.ï¿½I could not believe he was encouraging this creep.ï¿½I started feeling sick all the time and stayed home fromï¿½as many meetings as possible.ï¿½A year later I was looking for a way out.ï¿½No one would offer me a place to stay.ï¿½I wanted to be protected.ï¿½

ï¿½Iï¿½fell in love with aï¿½"worldly" man.ï¿½He was as outraged as I was.ï¿½I triedï¿½ toï¿½disassociate myself when I left at 18 years of age. They ignored my letter and disfellowshipped me without notifying me of aï¿½hearing or decision.ï¿½

ï¿½That was over 5 years ago.ï¿½I now have a wonderful relationship with my older sister who I had lost for 6 years while she was disfellowshipped.ï¿½I have family, friends, love, and the ability to speak up for myself and others.ï¿½And best of all...I'm not alone in this.ï¿½My heart is with all of those whose experiences were so much worse than this.

ï¿½LL

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Thank you for your website. It feels me with both grief and comfort to know how many others have experienced the same awful events in their lives. Here is my story.

I was born into "the truth" and moved from New York to El Paso, TX when I was 5. For the most part my childhood was happy. Except for the extreme strictness and constant studying and church-going, I grew up as a happy kid. Years later, my family, nearly in poverty moved in with a some family friends while we tried to get back on our feet. I was 9 at the time. The family's father lived there too. He was a Regular Pioneer, around 70 years old and very well respected and loved by all, especially kids. We all called him "Pop" because he was like everyone's grandfather. I thought of him the same way too, until he sexually abused me on a few different occasions. I don't recall where everyone else was or why I ended up alone with Pop on those times, but the damage was done. I thought about telling my parents or my brother, but I was afraid that I did something wrong. I was always taught that SEX IS WRONG, but here is a well-respected, almost worshiped person sexually abusing me. Too confusing for any kid to deal with! I think I convinced myself that I was special because of it.

So I remained with this secret for many, many years. I began dating a 23 year old man who was also a JW when I was just 16. We began having sex (fornicating) and got married when I was 18. On the night before we got married, he raped me. During our 4 year marriage he was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. I divorced him after he admitted to an adulterous affair. It made it easier since the only way JW's will recognize divorce is adultery or death. After my divorce, I disassociated myself from the religion, and I then began a string of self-destructive behavior, mostly involving sex and bad relationships. I married 2 more times, had an abortion and tried to kill myself. I have never been able to remain faithful in any relationship until now.

I found out years later when I sort of confessed to Pop's real granddaughter that he did "something" to me that it was known that Pop grew up in an abusive household, and that Pop's daughters were abused as children. WHY WAS THIS MAN ALLOWED TO BE AROUND SMALL CHILDREN????!!!!!! WHERE WAS MY PROTECTION????!!!!

I never made any connection between my behavior and what happened to me until recently. About 4 1/2 years ago, I became very depressed and began thinking about Pop. I couldn't get it out of my head. I finally began to write about it. I wrote about everything I could remember. I was enraged, distraught and confused. I began to read everything I could find online and in book stores about abuse. I finally realized that some of my behavior was related to being sexualized at an early age coupled with the extreme viewpoints again sexual thoughts or actions that are taught by JW's.

I began counseling about a year ago, and it has been tremendously helpful. I am now 34 and finally feel like I have my life on track. I am still trying to deal with what happened and still trying to develop a healthy view of sex and my own sexuality. I'm still mad at Pop. He died many years ago, so I can't confront him. Writing this makes me feel a little better.

I hope everyone who has the misfortune of experiencing any kind of sexual abuse will get help and get the hell away from the abuser no matter what it takes. YOU ARE SPECIAL & IMPORTANT & NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU! You are not alone and my heart goes out to every abuse survivor!

Love to all,
CR

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Hello, My name is K.ï¿½I am 37 years old and was raised as a Jehovah's Witness in the Cincinnati, Ohio area from the age of 6 until I officially left at the age of 22.ï¿½I, like so many others was abused by my step-father (who was also an elder in our congregation).ï¿½The abuse went on for at least 7 years, that I can remember.ï¿½It started out slowly, but by the end, I had been sold to many men for sex and had been taken secretly to have 2 abortions by the time I was 17.ï¿½The abuse was physical, emotional and sexual and when I confronted my step-father about this he told me that all elders do this with thier daughters.ï¿½Little did I know how true that was.ï¿½When I was 19 I brought the abuse to the attention of some friends of mine within the congregation and they encouraged me to go to the brothers with this information.ï¿½ I was reluctant, because my step-father had always told me that noone would believe me.ï¿½But, I came! forward anyway.ï¿½The events that happened next were so horrible.ï¿½First, I was put into a room with about 5 or 6 elders and literally cornered while they tormented me on why I decided to talk about it now if it had been happening for so long and demanding details that I would not give.ï¿½ Finally, they brought me before my mother and step-father and confronted him about the abuse (which of course he denied)ï¿½and then said that it sounded like a family issue that needed to be worked out and left the house.ï¿½My entire family and support group chastised me.ï¿½I felt I had nowhere else to go so I tried to stay and carry on.ï¿½Eventually, I started telling everyone I could in the congregation about what had gone on and when I did that the elders had no choice but to take some public action toward my step-father.ï¿½So, he was publicly reproved and I was asked to find another congregation to attend.ï¿½In six months he was reinstated to an applauding congratulating congregation and noone would have anything to do with me, except for my mother who wanted me to tell her that it wasn't true.ï¿½ Needless to say, I had some serious drinking and drug abuse problems that followed as well as 14 months in the psychiatric ward of the hospital and shock treatments.ï¿½ The elders began hounding me about (of all things) my sexual history.ï¿½Wanting to know if I had had premarital sex with a man that I had married.ï¿½Finally, I guess I was disfellowshipped for what they thought I had done.ï¿½Never seeing that my step-father had been having sex with me since I was 11 years old.ï¿½It took several years, but I finally got sober.ï¿½Left the Jehovah's Witnesses behind and began to put my life together.ï¿½It was very difficult at first and getting me to talk about the details was a therapists worst nightmare, but eventually I let it all out.ï¿½(Oh, and my mother and step-father were killed in an automobile! accident in the middle of all of this.ï¿½)ï¿½Now, 14 years later, I feel I have healed so much from everything and that it hasï¿½made me a stronger person to have gone through what I did.ï¿½I never knew that this site existed and would have loved to have pursued some sort of legal action against theï¿½society orï¿½ the congregation or someone, but the limits have run out.ï¿½I have a great life today and I am very happy and believe in a higher power that is all lovingï¿½and kind.ï¿½I wish toï¿½help others who have been abused and am currently going to college to hopefully get my masters degree in counseling.ï¿½I have aï¿½veryï¿½positive outlook on life and feel blessed to be here.ï¿½I am currently considering writing a book about my lifeï¿½and when that's done I'm sure the healing will be extensive.ï¿½I have forgiven my step-father...not for him...but for me.ï¿½I could not hold on to the hate and heal at the same time.&nb! sp; Yes, I still have flashbacks and bad moments, but Iï¿½get through it and realize how blessed I really am.ï¿½Thank you for your courage in bringing thisï¿½support group forth and I will help in any way I can.ï¿½

Sincerely

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I think a few years ago, you had to change the website or something, because my story was on there...but I can't find it. (sl note-we had an attack from a person trying to take over the website in which most of the data was erased, thanks to a friend we salvaged 75% of the material but part of it was lost.)

The reason why I'm being persistent is because I'm at a period in my life where I have to deal with my mother's mental illness.ï¿½She was abused by her stepfather (also a JW)when she was a child, and because of the insular nature of the Jehovah's Witnesses she never sought outside help.ï¿½To this day, she has a 10 year blank spot in her memory from 9-19.ï¿½Why do I mention her?ï¿½Because the way she was treated, had a direct bearing on her reaction when it happened to me.

My mom was baptized when she was 9 years old.ï¿½I don't know exactly when my grandmother married my mom's stepfather, but apparently during dinner time, he used to tell her not to look at him, or stop looking at him.ï¿½To this day, when I speak to her, she won't look me in the eye, and when I make eye contact, she looks away.ï¿½During one breakdown, she revealed what happened to her when she was a child.ï¿½She said that she was sexually abused by her stepfather, and when she tried to tell my grandmother, she did nothing, and was told to pray.ï¿½

My mother married my father who was not a Jehovah's Witness, and in those days people were disfellowshipped if they didn't marry if they were "in the truth".ï¿½After I was born, she was persuaded by other family members to leave him, and she was eventually reinstated.ï¿½She told me that my dad went out for cigarrettes and never came back, (which I found out was a lie when I met my dad 25 years later).

I was 8 years old, and I used to be babysat by a sister around the corner from our house.ï¿½On Fridays, I would go to the next door neighbor's house, and to this day I don't recall the reason.ï¿½However, the lady next door would also be at work, so I was always left in the care of the next door neighbor's son (who was also a Jehovah's Witness).ï¿½This is when the molestation began.ï¿½I remember going to my mother, and she told me (her exact words) "Next time, scream."

The next Friday, he started it again.ï¿½I tried to quote scripture, I tried telling him that I'd get herpes (don't know where that came from), and then I told him that my mom told me to scream...at which point he covered my mouth. He also said that if I told, I'd lose my mom, and no one would believe me ever again.ï¿½This went on for about a year, and the babysitter noticed that I began acting out sexually toward her kids (who were a few years older than me) she got angry and spanked me.ï¿½I don't recall at what time I told her what was going on, but she got it out of me. That was the point the babysitter spanked me so hard that it left a bruise on my bottom.

One Tuesday night after the meeting, my mom and I get home, and the babysitter, her three children, and the boy's mother were outside waiting.ï¿½The babysitter told my mom what was going on, and at which point the babysitter and my mother made me re-tell the story in front of everyone congregated.ï¿½They prayed for guidance, and prayed that I was telling the truth.

The next day, the woman and her son came over, and she said that her son was distraught and wanted to talk to the brothers.ï¿½She was angry at me, and told me to tell him what he did in front of him.ï¿½I couldn't, I started to cry.ï¿½ She began to yell at me and she said that, "Jehovah's gonna make you tell the truth."ï¿½I couldn't talk, since I started crying harder.ï¿½She began to pray, and she said, "Please forgive L for telling this lie."ï¿½At which point they both told me never to tell anyone again.

I don't remember how much time had elapsed, but I remember I was sitting in school during a reading group, and the teacher noticed that I wasn't sitting on my chair correctly.ï¿½I told her that it hurt, and she took me to the bathroom and saw a bruise.ï¿½She called the police, and at that time I talked to a detective, who asked me what was going on.ï¿½I told him the story.ï¿½I don't know if he spoke to the next door neighbor's son or not, but I do remember getting spanked again on the same side my bruise was on by my mom.ï¿½She told me that she never wanted me to say anything like that again.

Because of the spanking I got from the babysitter, my mom sent me to another babysitter.ï¿½This time, this babysitter's (who was also a Jehovah's Witness) grandsons molested me as well...and this is the first time I've really said anything about it. It was hard for a while to tell anyone, because I didn't want to be told that I was a liar once again.

From what I've been dealing with in regards to my mother's mental illness I must tell you this...history repeats itself.ï¿½My mom has been tentatively diagnosed with Schizophrenia, and thankfully it appears that she's finally going to get some help instead of being treated (medicated) and released. I found a journal full of documents that my mother had.ï¿½When she was taken to the hospital, she had my birth certificate, her marriage license, her ID, and her birth certificate laid out as if she was in the process of planning her own death.ï¿½In this jounal (or should I say folder), she mentions that in 1975, strange things started happening to her.ï¿½In 1976 she was arrested for child murder (information is available on microfishe at the public library).ï¿½It appears that when she left my dad, her stepfather's abuse resumed.ï¿½No one knew she was pregnant, and when she delivered the child, she dismembered it...to this day, no one knows what the ge! nder of my sibling was.

She won't speak of the incident, and around this time of year my mom gets depressed.ï¿½This is why I say history repeats itself.ï¿½I believe that because she lived with her abuser for so long, she figured that I could as well...to this day, the man still lives next door to her as well as his mother. For many years,ï¿½I begged and pleaded for her to move, but she wouldn't.ï¿½To this day, when I go to visit her, I dread it with my every fiber, knowing that this man will be sitting outside with his buddies drinking beer, leering at me, and his friends areï¿½trying to get my phone number.ï¿½I believe that when she tried to tell someone, she was dealt the same punishment as she gave me.ï¿½When you said on the VH1 special "Michael Jackson's Secret Childhood" that people aren't encouraged to seek help outside the organization because it was part of "Satan's world", I said to myself, "boy you don't know the half of it mister!"

I spoke to my father a few times, and he stated that when he asked for my mom's hand in marriage, he noticed that my mom was very intimidated and appeared afraid of her stepfather.ï¿½When I told him what happened to her, he wasn't surprised.ï¿½ I just want the world to know that when you're told not to tell anyone, it sets up a pattern of silence, and in some cases it gets much worse than that.ï¿½I'm trying to deal with what happened in my own way, and to this day, I'm praying that I won't end up like my mom.ï¿½Luckily, I was never the type to keep silent for long...I just waited until I was old enough not to be afraid anymore.

I've spoken about it to a few friends of mine, and thankfully I wasn't in any danger of not being believed like I was the first time.ï¿½It's nice and in the same way it's saddening to know that I'm not alone.ï¿½I just hope that it's not too late for my mom.

I decided not to be a Jehovah's Witness when I was 13.ï¿½I wrote a letter to my uncle who was an elder and told him.ï¿½At that point, my mother's side of the family tried guilt, fear, and punishment to get me to go back to the meetings.ï¿½ They said that I didn't know what I wanted...I was too young.ï¿½Eighteen years later, I still don't follow their teachings, and I have developed a burning disdain for organized religion in all its forms.ï¿½I'm slowly making peace with the Divinity...but sometimes I can't reconcile the theory of a loving God, and a God who would allow this to happen.ï¿½I don't believe that only Jehovah's Witnesses will reach an eternal reward..I think being a good person, and being good to others is religion enough for me.ï¿½I'm still resentful of the fact that after this, I was looked down upon, and treated like a burden by my mom...it's like she shut off her love for me and showered it on other children in the congregation.! I remembered this brother was giving a talk on no sex before marriage because you'd be ruined if you did.ï¿½My mom looked at me and nodded her head.ï¿½That's exactly how I felt...ruined...and I didn't want to be ruined.ï¿½I've heard many people tell me..."Wait on Jehovah."...maybe that's whyï¿½YOU decided to speak out...

I'm not that scared 8 year old anymore.ï¿½As a matter of fact, dealing with my mom's illness has made me deal with my own past.ï¿½I can't change what happened, but I can change what happens next.ï¿½If there is a Paradise or a Heaven...I believe those of us who have been through hell and back deserve a place there for the simple fact that we've already been through Armageddon.

Sincerely,

Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Search presents - Jib Jab's 'Second Term'

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I am so grateful to have come across this website. As a person who has been greatly affected by abuse in the society, it makes me feel some relief that others see the same thing that I do.

I was sexually abused by my father when I was young. The court found him guilty and gave custody to my mother. The Elders at the Kingdom Hall at the time had many meetings with both my immediate and extended family at the time (most of my family members are Witnesses) and it was decided in the end to sweep it under the rug. My family were warned not to speak of it or it would be considered SLANDER. In order to protect my father, they asked my mother to leave the congregation, accusing her of only being there to spite him. Years later, as I put my heart and soul into studying and trying to do the right thing, they would do the same to me (even though I attended a different congregation). They said they weren’t clear of my ‘intentions’. My father has since become a well-respected Elder who is often featured at the District Convention and directs the featured Drama. Most people don’t know that it ever happened, the ones that do never speak of it. Even my own aunt doesn’t believe it ever happened, despite the court papers that my uncle has in storage.

My other aunt (my mother’s sister) married a man who was also a Witness, he came from a Witness family. He also turned out to be horrifically abusive.
He was borderline sadistic with my cousin from the time she was a baby till her teens. He ripped out her hair, he slapped her around and hit her and pushed her into things. He kicked and beat the family cat. When I was a baby my aunt babysat for me one day. My mom says I returned home that night with a giant handprint on my leg from where he had slapped me. My aunt is a very passive, quiet person who never wants to make waves. When she finally broke down and went to the Elders for help, they accused her of being at fault.
The man is the head of the house, obviously SHE was the one who was instigating it. They didn’t want to hear about it, they didn’t want to help her. So she stuck it out. He has sought out counseling many times since those days and is on a lot of medication. He still has a terrible temper but no longer is physically abusive. He is also no longer a Witness. My cousin who took most of the abuse has had a hard life. She has been on a lot of medication and has needed a lot of counseling to cope. When she acted out (and her acting out was nothing compared to what most teenagers do regularly), the Elders condemned her. Never once did they sympathize when they knew damn well what her life had been like.

When I was younger I went camping with my father’s family and another Elder’s family. He had a teenage son who was friends with my cousin. Boys will be boys and one day they were doing something mischievous like tossing rocks into trees or something silly like that. The dad lost it and dragged his son away, screaming at him and hitting him. It was horrible enough to see but what was even worse was that this wasn’t the first time. Everyone knew. And what did my father, the well respected Elder, do? Absolutely nothing. He stood by while the boy screamed and cried. My cousin’s mother looked horrified, shielding her son away from it. But nobody did anything.

A few years ago it made the news that a girl had been dis-fellowshipped and disowned because she had come out about some abuse that had occurred in her congregation. My own grandmother, one of the people I am closest too in this world, is a Witness. She was appalled that this girl had come out with ‘such lies’, an attempt to blast the name of Jehovah’s Witnesses. She was in complete disbelief that the Society would ever work to cover something up.

My mother asked her “Doesn’t this sound familiar?” Suddenly grandma didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

-K

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I am a 44 year old woman who was raised in the Jehovah's Witness organization. I am now disfellowshipped and I have blocked most of my memories for all of my childhood, which I have been told is probably a good thing. I recently saw a documentary called "Spiritual Shepherds" and thought to myself..."Finally...someone is doing something." I am the baby of 5 children. My mother, who was an extreme alcoholic, sexually abused at least one of my brothers, and beat them severely. My brothers, in turn, abused me and to some extent, my sister. I am not sure how young I was the first time, but I believe it to be somewhere around 8. Sexual abuse, physical beatings, horrible verbal attacks. I hold no ill will towards them...they were children too, but I have often asked myself why the elders did nothing. Our congregation was small back in the 60's and 70's. We were a close knit community. My mother loved to throw big pizza parties and everybody loved to drink and party. These brothers knew there were so many problems in our family. My mother was counseled for her alcoholism, which she never recovered from until I was 18. Too little...too late. Sometimes I wish I could remember things better, but what I wish for the most is that those elders had done something back then. Something that could have changed that little girls life. I have been married 5 times. I have had my own problems with substance abuse and promiscuity. For the longest time I associated sex with love...if you were having sex with someone, that meant you were being loved...and I needed a lot of love. I have been in rehab and a psychiatric hospital. Now...I'm okay. I managed to raise a beautiful daughter who is in college and I have been married now for 6 years (a record for me!). I own my own business now. I have done these things in spite of those things done to me. I am proud of myself that I didn't end up dead in the gutter. I wish I could take everything all those people have away from them. I wish I could take away what they allowed to be taken from me. My mother, who is now 84, is still a witness. She was spoken to once about sexual abuse and she categorically denied it, saying she didn't remember. She probably doesn't since she was drunk all the time. I don't like my mother...she is not a good person. I don't like those "brothers"...how can they sleep at night? Quite frankly, I don't think too much of god either.

For anyone reading this, I apologize if it sounds disjointed...it is difficult to put down 40 years of feeling on a single page. There are so many other things I would like to say, but I will end with this: To all of those out there who have gone through abuse of any kind...it is not normal...it is not your fault...and anyone who subjected you to it deserves punishment.

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Briefly my experience was this:

I was in A VERY VIOLENT MARRIAGE!!!! And when I went

to the elders I was constantly told to go back to him, I just wanted to

scream at them "YOU TAKE THE ABUSE I HAVE TO ENDURE, THE RAPINGS AND THE BEATINGSï¿½AND THEN COME BACK TO ME AND SEE IF YOU GIVE ME THE SAME ADVICE!!!!!!!! WORDS AREN'T ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE WHAT THIS BAD ADVICE DID TO MYSELF AND MORE IMPORTANTLY MY CHILDREN.

THEY ARE ALL SCARRED AND MY SON ENDED UP BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED BY HIS TEACHER AT SCHOOL (NOT A JW). YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING IRONIC? I WAS SHUNNED BECAUSE OF THE VERY PUBLIC SCANDAL (IT WAS IN ALL THE NEWSPAPERS, ETC) WITH MY SON AND I'D DONE NOTHING WRONG!

ï¿½I HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN BECAUSE OF ALL THE STRESS FROM MY MARRIAGE AND I WAS DOUBLY SHUNNED BECAUSE MENTAL ILLNESSES WAS/IS REGARDED AS DEMONIC!!!!!!!!!

I want to make it abundantly clear that: I don't blame Jehovah-God, I do, however, blame those that act in his name

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I have 2 separate stories the first happened to my sister when we were little, my patents were jw and for many years I never understood why my mother would tell me that it was because of me that this man stoped abusing my sister. As I got older it finally came out. My older sister and me were sitting in front of the stage in the kingdom hall, by the way my father was an elder as far as I can remember, and I told my mother that, that man was the one that was touching my sister. I was to young to remember that my sister had mentioned it to me. All I know is that we were sent home and didn't see my dad till the next day. I asked my sister when we were older and already on our own, what had happened back then. She said the man was disfellowshiped and that she is scared that she will see him in a assembely.I got very upset because I can't believe that knowing that Jehovah put the laws here on earth for a reason the congregation wants take care of things on their own. It's fine to disfellowship them but right after the elders should be taking these people straight to the police department. My sister has many mental problems so I say. but guess what she is still a JW. I can't explain

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I think what you've done here is courageous and admirable. My experience is twofold. I am 33 years old and left the religion 8 years ago. The first experience I am sharing involves an incident that happened when I was 14 years old. Being a curious and somewhat rebellious JW teen, I had sex with a 16 year old boy. Somehow, my parents found out. I was brought in front of an elder body consisting of 3 older men. They proceeded to ask me questions such as "did he touch your breasts?", "was there fondling involved before the intercourse?". I was so ashamed I was suicidal but no one knew. I had to deal with it on my own; there was no support, just shame. Since I ran the risk of losing my family and friends, I faked repentance and was not disassociated. For months after though, I was shamed by my family and the congregation. It was traumatic. Friends were not allowed to associate with me and all I had was my music (this i am thankful for because it's lead me to having a successful music career today!) Up until 4 years ago, I never thought twice about the incident but my anger outbursts and inability to cope with life brought me to a psychologist, and slowly the atrocities of the past revealed themselves. For the first time, I realized how horrible this must have been for me as a 14 year old girl, to have to answer those questions to these older men in front of my parents. It almost seems perverted. The shame follows me around to this day and is something I will have to deal with for years to come. Second story pertaining to sexual abuse. There is an uncle in the family who is a known pedafil. He is a JW as is most of my family and relatives. He has molested several of my cousins yet no one does anything about it. I found out my cousin had gone to the elders about this uncle in the last 10 years, but of course it was swept under the carpet by the congregation and never taken to authorities. Recently at a family funeral, he bragged to my mother about "sleeping with" my sisters when they were 4 in their bunk beds; the sparkle in his eye made the insinuation of sex obvious. I found this interesting as over the past 3 years, I had been dealing with repressed memory recovery of being sexually abused when I was 4; of course, my family thought i was crazy. Although he did not admit to abusing me, I'm sure it was him even though my memories are vague. My parents are so afraid of shaking things up, they will not even go to the elders about it. I told them if they didn't deal with it, i would go to the police (which I plan to do anyways). I am concerned for other children that he may have access to.

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It seems a long time ago, now. However, I'm not lying in bed with the lights out.
Then, at night, it doesn't seem so long ago at all. I have a weight that still presses on me. Will it ever go away? Is he still lying on my body?
I'm 24!!!!

It's still all so confusing. I try to rationalize it all in my head, but it's nearly impossible to do so.

When I was young, my dad was a drinker, who was emotionally and physically abusive. While the physical abuse stopped, he remains emotionally abusive to this day. My mom has never loved another. She became a JW because of him. I was 6 when he began to study. He was disfellowshipped during the period that follows for being unfaithful to my mom. She, however, is a good little witness.

By the time my tenth birthday rolled around, I was as good as a JW kid could be. I excelled at door-to-door, any presentations, and Bible trivia. I'd already been on two circuit assemby presentations and one district. I loved "the truth" and it loved me.

In our congregation there was a family that had always been there, but had always been ill regarded. Along the way, the family got in dire straits.
Some of them came to stay with us. One in particular lived with us for a few years. This particular one was a regular pioneer. He is the one who took my virginity at 10. It all began very innocently. It began with him tickling me, hugging me or offering to help with dishes (and accidently bumping into my breasts or other places). It freaked me out, but he would never do anything that wasn't proper......right????

The story moves on over several months of things moving forward until the most horrible night that led me to believe I was pregnant for almost a year.
My life has never been the same. I have never been the same. I have survived, but it will always be a battle, I think. It all ended, after a year of late night atrocities, when I threatened his life. He ended it by giving a 12 year old girl a gold "I love you" bracelet. Soon, he moved out & to a town on the coast. I would see him and his friends (other single, pioneer brothers) at conventions. It was almost as if it never happened.

A few years later, at my best friends house I was consumed by emotion over my lost innocence. She had been talking of this and that....and I broke out in sobs. I told her. The next day, she wrote in her diary. That night her mom read it. She told her daughter that I had to go to the elders or she would. My mom and I went to the elders. There I was told that I had led this brother on.... Nothing was done about it. He is now married and has a little girl. I worry for her alot.

I left "the truth" at 16. I am now 24 and live my life on my terms. I still consider myself a spiritual, good person. However, there are betrayals that hurt worse than being raped in the middle of the night at 10.

What will ever be done about this? How many others are still suffering at the hands of these "spiritually enlightened brothers"?

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I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. My parents were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses. My extended family on both sides are Jehovah's Witnesses. According to the model of what your supposed to do this should make for a "happy family."

As a child my father was a pervert. He never actually touched me but he exposed himself to me and my physical sisters on a regular basis as well as talked and behaved in a sexually perverted way around us. He 'spanked' us with a belt frequently from the age of 3 years old on up leaving bruises on our skin and scars in our hearts.

I later found out that his father was a pervert who abused his own mentally retarded daughter and also exposed himself to women in public several times.

Our mother was depressed, I recognize that now as an adult, and did nothing about his behavior. She was verbally abused and was worn down by life.

Meanwhile, in other JW sections of our family more mental problems and incest that produced a child was happening in the home of my Uncle the elder. I also found out that another uncle's wife was abused from the time she was about 6 until she was engaged by her father, an elder.

I know what your thinking. This can't possibly be true. Well, it is. I'm 29 years old now. I am finally coming to peace with my past and with my father and with this religion.

I was baptized a few days after I turned 14. I thought it was the right thing to do. Everyone said that it was and that was important in my life. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, the congregation and the elders all talked about it. So, I pleased them all and got baptized.

When I was 17 I rebelled against it all and ran off to marry a man I barely knew. I immediately had 2 children and realized what a horrible mistake I made. I was distant and alienated from my family because I had married an 'unbeliever.' It was during this time after the birth of my 2 children that I began to have flashbacks to my childhood. Memories of things that my dad had done that I thought were OK at the time but as an adult knew were not, haunted me. I would tearfully call my mom and try to talk about it. She would just tell me it could have been worse. My husband was an alcoholic and died in a car accident drinking and driving when I was 20.

I was a widow, mother of two, and turning 21. I moved back home with my parents then quickly bought a house with the life insurance money I had received and tried to move on with my life. I met a man I thought really needed me, a drug addict this time. I was not prepared to marry him but started having a physical relationship with him.

I had cut all ties with Jehovah's Witnesses and was probably considered an inactive publisher or on public reproof I don't really know. My mom went and talked to the elder's about my having a boyfriend. The elder's met with me several times. I explained that I had no faith in God at all. I delved briefly into some family history that I had never voiced out loud in my life. I was crying. I was so confused. I just wanted someone to listen to me and understand me maybe even to help me understand me. I was disfellowshipped.

No one offered anything. They just looked at me. I felt betrayed. I felt cold and alone. I was ashamed to have even told them anything. I felt dirtier than ever.

The man I was seeing eventually committed suicide. Partially because I stopped dating him.

This hurts to talk about even now. I'm a very private and introverted person by nature. So, I rarely discuss my dirty laundry. I am happily remarried now.

I don't think all Jehovah's Witnesses are sexual predators. I just know most of the ones I knew intimately had sexual dysfunction in their life somewhere. I don't know if this reflects on JW's or just society as a whole.

I do know the Elders did a great job protecting the congregation from me. Meanwhile, when the story broke about my Aunt's father, the Elder, having abused her all of her childhood, nothing happened. He had a young daughter at home and was not removed as an elder. Well, the story did not really 'break' only our family knew about it. It turns out my Aunt's oldest brother had mimicked the behaviour of his father and molested the younger sister. The older brother had finally come out and told the elders about it all. Nothing ever happened to his father. No one told the police, and the other elders did not even remove him as an elder.

I have been reinstated recently. I can finally talk to my family again. But, I know this religion is not led by God. It is led by a corporation that is a mastermind at attaining free labor. It is locally led by imperfect men who have no idea what they are doing, because God could never make this MESS of handling these types of situations.

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Dear Abuser,

I feel so used and abused. But you sit high and say that I lie. You took my innocence and child hood and left me helpless and numb.

When I was a child I was molested by several family members who are Jehovah's Witnesses (My uncle, brother, and father.) My uncle would touch me in private places and kiss all over me. I pleaded with him to stop and he just laughed. My brother at every chance he could get, in the car the bedroom, or bathroom would pin me against the wall or on the bed and hurt me till he was satisfied. My father was verbally and physically abusive my name was not ??????? but slut, stupid, fool, and so on. He said women liked to be slapped and punched and could not help it he when his sickness kicked in. I blamed my self all the time and so I hated me. I felt worthless and used. No one loved me I was nothing. I could never tell either for fear more pain would come my way besides, no one would believe me. I tried on several occasions to talk to some one but know one would listen. I am twenty now and coming to turns with what happened. I was between the ages of 8-15 fortunately I don't remember much before 8. Sometimes I feel it's a bad dream and that I will wake up but it never happens. To this day I feel pain to know that I have bad childhood scars for the rest of my life. I thought that my life was normal and this was something I had to deal with but that is wrong no one should. Nevertheless; I survived and now try to get the memories out of my head. As of now I have no family but God. There is uncertainty in my life now. I am not sure what the future holds but I do know that I no longer enable a shame secret based family.

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Iï¿½was born a shunned person. My father's family had come into the "truth" when he was a teenager, during WW2. This was small town America, where religion was an important part of everyone's life. His family was poor, but they were hardworking people. His mother (a domineering forceful woman) insisted he not join the army, and at that time any who did not serve, either in non-combat or combat duties, was put in prison. So my father served 18 months in prison for something he knew little about. He grew to hate JWs during his interment, and became friends with the guards and other inmates. The JWs grew to hate him and called him traitor and apostate. He also was diagnosed with mental illness during his stay in prison. He would not take medicine, because at that time mental illness was viewed as a character fault and could be overcome by prayer and good clean living. He returned home, a hated man in the community because he did not serve his country, and hated by JWs because he was an apostate.

My father was an angry man; filled with so much anger that he drank and ragged against everyone. He became a loner, with no friends. He met my mother while in prison, via mail. My mother was a very pretty woman, but delicate emotionally and prone to hysteria, as they called it then. Because my father was very handsome, she fell for him. There could not have been two more mismatched people. I was born and later my brother. My Mom was too depressed to care for us, and we were moved about from pillar to post until finally when I was 5 my Mom had to go into the mental hospital. My parents were not active as JWs at this time. However, being inactive at that time did not have the same impact as it does now. We were taught about Jehovah and I clearly remember at age 3 knowing how to pray. I identified myself as a JWs, even though we rarely set foot in a KH. Neither family nor the JWs wanted much to do with our family, because of my father's anger and my mother mental illness. Nor did they have any friends in the community. So they were very isolated.

My abuse memories start around 3 when my father came home one night drunk. I do not know where my mother was. I was lying in their bed, and he had me remove my underwear and looked at me and then digitally penetrated me. It felt good. I was not afraid of him because he was my father. Because it felt good, he called me a "little bitch like my mother." I was stunned and hurt, but not sure why. He then felt remorseful and went into the bathroom and cried out "what kind of man am I?" He came to me and said what he did was bad and but I must not tell anyone or they would send him to jail. He cried that he had been to jail and he could not survive if he had to go again. He said my mother was already in the hospital and if I told they would take him away too. He left me with this awful burden. He said I would not remember any of this, I would forget. I remember thinking "my daddy did something bad too me'" it almost felt as though my soul was leaving my body, I nearly slumped to the ground. But I picked myself up, and said, "I will forget this" and I literally forced it from my memory. It did not all go away that day, but one day I recall thinking I felt happy, and I had been successful. I had forgotten. I remember thinking "Daddy said I would forget and I did."

It really hurt my younger brother. He was only 3 when Mom was in the hospital. I was 5 and we went to live with a relative and only saw our father once or twice a month. The relatives we lived with was not filled with love for us, butï¿½theyï¿½did not beat us. We were told we were a burden and only there because our Mom was crazy. Today my brother is a cold, emotionally distant judgmental JW, who once said that one of our non JW relatives life had no value, because she was not a JW.

Growing up in my home was not a lot of fun. Crying was not allowed, nor was having feelings. I learned to be tough (emotionally), and how to survive. Once a girl said to me on the way home from school "Your mother is crazy and the whole town knows it" I hit her over the head with a book. Next day I was spanked by the principal. He asked if I would do it again, and I said defiantly, "Yes if she says that again, I'll hit her again" I was incorrigible, they thought. I talked too much and didn't play well with other kids. Kids would just tell me "You're stupid" "You're weird." I wanted so much to be liked, but for some reason, I was just not OK. I didn't steal, or cheat or get in fights. I'm pretty sure a lot of it had to do with just being a JW, because years later I met a girl I went to school with and she remembered me as "Being in that strange religion"

I was called names and picked on. The teachers at that time could be really abusive, and nothing was ever done to them. My Mom would go to school with me first day of each year and ensure that my year would be hell. She would defiantly say she was a JW and tell the teacher all the things I could not do. I was undersocialized, as they call it now. I did not know how to act around other kids. All I knew was that for some reason unbeknownst to me, I was a bad person, and rebellious and unkempt and socially unacceptable. Oh, and not very smart.

My dad drank and many times came home raging drunk. He physically and verbally fought with my Mom and I would try and stop these fights and end up getting beat for my efforts. Suppertime no one talked. We were all fearful of father. There were no happy TV times. No games. I learned early to stay in my room or fight with them. Sometimes I chose to fight with them. He (father) often walked around nude in the house. (He was proud of his manhood) Once because of something I did, (letting the dogs out) he became so enraged he chased me DOWN THE STREET, IN DAYLIGHT, NUDE while waving a large leather belt in the air. I was literally running for my life. He did not catch me. I waited until dark to come home and then he beat me. I guess neighbors did not report things like that, because no one ever reported him. I could not bring any school friends home. I tried but my father scared them. He would sit nude in the living room and curse and yell. Once he was beating me and my mother came at him with a butcher knife. She said she would kill him if he hit me again. Once, I hid in the bathroom with the door locked. He raged outside, pounding on the door. That door saved my life He was so drunk and angry, he would have really hurt me. He was abusive to my mother sexually. He strangled her during sex. I could hear it in my bedroom. I was scared and once ran in to save my mother. Once while lying in bed I heard him say to her (my mother) if she did not submit to the strangling, he would rape me in front of her. I lay in bed, scared for my mother and afraid for myself.

My mother otherwise was very depressed and slept during the day while I was at school and I had to begin the housecleaning duties as she could not do this. Men seemed to fancy my Mom, and sad to say, she used this to her advantage to get things. I recall from time to time an occasional man being in the house when my father was not home.

By the time I was 11-12, my mother was sure I was doing bad things with boys and she even accused me of seducing my brother (actually it was during this time a classmates father tried to perform oral sex on me and did manage to penetrate me digitally. I also had another friends father and friend tried to initiate me into sex, at age 12. I was too fearful to do it, and they did not force me) She took me to a GYN to be examined to "prove" what a bitch I was. I will never forget standing nude in that room and having her look at my body. The doc mercifully did not do a digital exam, he just told her I was a virgin and looked very hostile toward her. She then decided that I "wanted my father" and to quote her "You have to get your own man. He's mine." So any natural love I may have felt for my father was considered unnatural. As far as I know, she never knew about what my father did to me at age 3. I never told her because by the time I remembered it, she was too old and too sick.

During this time, my parents occasionally attended meetings. A Bible study was started with them and they began attending regular. I don't recall that lasting too long, especially my father, as he hated JWs with a fierce hate. He was very verbal about it, so you can see he did not "draw " people to him. My mother studied with us and I learned many things out of the old paradise book, the orange one. I truly loved Jehovah but could not understand the story about theï¿½serpent stepping on the snake. Because I could not understand this prophecy, my Mom judged me to be slow, and she studied with me and my brother at different times. At age 13 I met a JW sister who started studying with me. She was a nice person. She actually liked talking to me and seemed to care what I thought. However, she made it plain she did would not tolerate emotional displays, I would just have to get tough and be brave. So I learned from her and my parents, no matter how bad you hurt, suck it up and go on.

The next few years were not too bad. I made some friends in the cong. and seemed to be fairly well liked. Some referred to me as a "diamond in the rough." I used the KH as my escape from home, as anything was better than living there. Also, with more people entering the home, my father and mother had to at least put on a pretense of "normal," and so for about 4 years, my life was tolerable. I was active in service, and spoken well of by the older JWs, who saw me as a good example. I had a flair for speaking so did well in the ministry school. I saw how others lived their lives, and it was so different from mine, I yearned to be one of them. People noted how different I was from my parents, (being good) and this brought hate from my parents toward me eventually. I felt like I had hit pay dirt, a new home a new family. Then boys entered my life.

Apparently I was "boy crazy" as the expression was then. I actually did not date except a few times before I met my husband, but you would have thought I had dated a lot of guys, because it was whispered around I was "boy crazy." I was given informal counsel from mature sisters. One actually did help me. I had met a 40-yr old man at a party, (a party given for 13-20 yr. olds) and he was pursing me. I was terrified when he showed up at my KH. This sister got rid of him. Imagine a 40-yr old at a party for teens! I was 15 at the time.

I met my husband through a friend at a convention and we were pen pals for a few months before met. We began dating and married. Looking back, all I wanted was out of my home and be free to live.

Unfortunately people who come from homes like mine often marry people similar. So it was with me, but I did not see it at the time. I had just stepped from the frying pan into the fire.

Also to mention, my mother was treated very badly by the JWs at the hall during this time. She was very ill, and doing the best she could. She would try and go in the car groups for service, but she had trouble remembering her sermon and they made fun of her. She would come home and cry. Also they all would go out and eat at cafes, and Mom had no money so had to either go home or accept a pity donation. I could have cried for her at times. I mention this now, because I am not so unlike my mother. And wherever you are Mom, who is now deceased: I love you and I am so sorry your life was like this.

ï¿½My husband and I were in our late teens when we married. I noticed my husband had a bad temper, but I was so used to my father's raging, well, I did not think too much about it. My husband's rages took the form of throwing furniture and knocking holes in walls. Occasionally he would throw things at me. He never hit me, (something he took great pride in saying) but he screamed and raged tore up the house when things did not go his way. The elders did not believe me when I told them about this because he appeared so mild mannered. Time passed, and we had our first child.

I cannot go into the details of how this next incident happened, because if I did, it would be easily recognizable. The short version of this story is - 3 persons raped me. They ensured my husband was missing in action. I reported it to the elders, but they called me a liar, and a big lair at that for making up such a story. Unfortunately it was true. They DF me, and let this man off with mild reproof and no one else involved received any other reproof. Long story short -- this man raped again and this time they DF him and he admitted to raping me. Too late for me, however, my life was already ruined. I had already sunk into self loathing and promiscuity by JWs standards. I ended up DF two more times. I was so ill I had amnesia spells, I could not even recognize my own family at times. I had no self worth and hated myself and felt abandoned by the only real family I had ever known-the WTS. Yes, they were my family, and they had thrown me out, not once but 3 times. No one noticed how ill I was, how depressed, how very sick I was. All the JWs wanted to do was call names, slut, whore, Jezebel. Pig. The names were awful. I had to be grateful if anyone spoke to me at all. People felt free to insult me to my face, because I was a whore. I must be willing to allow them to insult me, for after all I was a whore. I could never repent for what I had done. There was not enough punishment good enough for me. For years I gratefully accepted my husband's forgiveness and was glad I was not out on the street. People at the hall felt free to talk about me behind my back and no one would associate with us. They told me to my face that they did not care if I was reinstated, they did not have to associate with me. No offers of help ever came. I was finally told that they thought I had sinned against the holy sprit and did not care if I ever came back to the KH again. I allowed them to degrade me like this. I had no self esteem. I was grateful for any crumbs they threw my way. If someone smiled at me-I thanked Jehovah for this. I truly wanted to be accepted back to the org, because it was the only real family I had ever known.

For a brief time it seems that we were making a comeback with the org, they seemed nicer and I felt so happy. But then we started having problems with the kids and my emotional health bottomed out. These were all used as evidence that we were truly not the right sort to be JWs, as any real JWs would not have these problems. Real JWs would have JOY, and not the sort of problems we had.

During this time we were trying to raise a family. But no one lives in a void, and the rages of my husband and the depression I suffered left it's mark on our kids. They became juvenile delinquents, and this was just more evidence to the elders that we were bad people and not worthy of their help, and they did not provide any help, though we begged them many times for help.

Eventually, with the help of different worldly agencies, and rehab and family therapy, our kids got better. During this time I just gave up emotionally. I had been strong for so long, I could not go on any longer. I was in the hospital, inpatient, and day programs, for the better part of 2 years. I was diagnosed with multiple personality, dissociate disorder and PTSD, along with anxiety and depression. I had intensive therapy and even then, for months I protected the org. REMEMBER, "Do not bring reproach on the org." The doc I worked with knew he was up against a major force. He had to break through the brick wall I had built around my mind to penetrate it to help me see what had happened to my life and see a way out. He had to get me to listen to him instead of saying "Elder so and so says. " I thought of killing myself more than once and I did not know it but my doc had warned my husband that he thought I would attempt it. I just saw no reason to live and had no one on my side. Apparently the God I worshiped had left me and I felt if He had wanted to He could "send" the JWs to me, but He never did. He did however "send" worldly ones to my aide. If it were not for my therapist, I would not be alive today. So many times I had a bottle of pills in my hand, and came so close. How I survived, well, my psychiatrist referred to himself and me as "junkyard dogs" and river rats, somehow we survive.

To give you an idea of how sick/confused I was, and how I had no support from JWs: I once was so desperate and ill, I confused the police with the elders and called the police for help with our problems. I feel disgraced to have to admit that to anyone. So ill had I become, I could not tell the police from the elders.

I got somewhat well enough eventually that I attempted to work. I worked for 10 yrs but it was full of problems and the problems I had emotionally were too much. I had little self esteem and that is essential to holding a job. I was super conscientious and that often made problems for myself. I was often stressed/depressed so much I had trouble retaining info, and got poor performance reviews and lost several jobs because of that. Eventually I had to stop working. During the time I was working I began my long journey out of the org. I was very timid at first and still am to a degree. First thing I did was stop telling people I was a JWs. Then I got this computer and started researching the XJWs sites. I was first taken back by the ones that were very religious, because I was repelled by that. Still with my JW mindset. I found silent lambs and it was that site that spurred me on my way. I found this site and have continued to "leave" JWs in my mind, because they left me a long time ago. I am not DF or DA but in the 8 yrs since I basically stopped going to the hall, not one elder has even called us.

JWs can lie all they want about how much they care, but I know the truth. They do not care.

I am still in therapy and probably will be for a long time. My husband and I had to rebuild our marriage. I have had to rebuild my relationships with my kids. My life has been shattered by JWs. It is a deep wound, and while it is healing, it has left a very ugly scar.

ANONYMOUS

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I had no idea there were others who had their lives "ruined" by the JW I was abused by a "brother" (the JW term for a man) and my stepfather who married my mom when I was 7 yrs old. The meetings and bible studies seemed to allow for the perfect opportunity to do this...In fact, on many Sundays after going to the "meetings" my stepfather would molest me that very same day telling me this was to show my Love to not only my father...but the Heavenly father (Jehovah).....

My heart goes out to you all...and please be strong
P.D.

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I was molested by my stepfather at age 11, his name is R V M. I am 42 now and have always been affected by it. I am scared he does this to others. My mother has been divorced from him 24 years now.

Thank you for letting me tell.KG

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I was molested by my older brother, who is a JW. When I finally got the courage to tell what had been happening, I was toldï¿½it was my fault, that I wasï¿½in fact no better than a whore. I was eleven. My step-father used what my brother did as a excuse to start fondling me whenever he could. My mother was no better. She lied to the elders for my brother. She told me what else could she do, she loved him too much to let him get in trouble for molesting me. When I turned twenty I asked the elders to disfellowship me. I couldn't stand to stay in such a cult a minute longer. It sickens me to know my story is not unique. The JW's are certainly a group that like to hide criminals behind their so-called theocratic organization.

M.M.

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My dad died when I was six. I was relentlessly mentally abused by my mother. I got homosexually raped by a neighbor when I was 12. I had a mate commit suicide when I was 14. I got expelled from college and got in trouble with the police at sixteen. I helped remove my mother's naked dying body out of the house when I was seventeen. Only my study conductor turned up at the funeral even though I was an active witness at the time. I got baptized 2 weeks later in 1980. I felt very depressed and would destroy everything I owned once every couple of months. I talked to countless elders and circuit overseers about my problems. Never once did any suggest that I seek professional help but encouraged me to study more and go witnessing. Hence I became this strange dichotomy of religious zeal and virtual insanity.

Three years later I got married to a woman who had been raped by her JW father. Hers was a classic case of only one witness; end of discussion. I naively believed at the time that because this was the "truth" the matter needed to be dealt with properly. Other children were in constant danger even though the family said he had changed. I spent countless hours talking to the family, elders, and district overseers (the DO said my problem was that I needed a job as I was unemployed at that time) to see justice done. I wanted the elders to at least talk to another family member so as to produce anther witness (silly me, I didn't realize what a waste of time this would have been). I even became perfidious with her father so I could be another witness to this act. While this did not produce the desired result it proved to me he was very much an active pedophile searching for his next victim. I discussed going to the police but had no support from anybody and I always came up against the b rick wall of "the elders have handled the matter, leave it in Jehovah's hands". During this time I came across many other JW's with similar stories. One particularly nasty case was a

"brother" who would take young boys tramping (he even asked me to have sex with him on one occasion). At least two of his victims are in mental institutions and one committed suicide. I pleaded with the elders to warn parents of the children he was "helping" of his history, but this would have gone against confidentiality. Ironically he did more work for "fatherless boys" than any elder in the congregation.

It all came to a head in 1993. I was living in my ex-wife's hometown at the time (with some of the original elders that had dealt with her father). I went back to my hometown for a holiday. I visited a friend (interestingly also a victim of tramping "brother"). His next door neighbor hanged himself in the garage (I thought at the time it was him). My wife and I unhooked him. Then my friend and I tried to rescue breath him (the taste of another person's vomit takes a long time to forget) but as we found out later he had died a half an hour before.

I didn't deal with this very well and a week later I committed adultery with a sister and was "privately reproved" in a judicial meeting. No help was offered or suggestion to get help. A week later I committed adultery with that sister one more time. I was then disfellowshipped (something I never understood was the two elders were laughing when they told me the decision). Incidentally the sister wasn't disfellowshipped. After I was disfellowshipped there was the normal one week period before this decision is announced to the congregation. The society considers that the elders should look for "fruit that befits repentance" this would normally include "witnessing" and meeting attendance. So I went out "witnessing" most days and attended all the meetings before the announcement. Two days after the decision, I went to the group without my wife where arrangements where to be made as to where we were witnessing etc. The brother who took the group was also one of the elders on mine and this sisters judicial committee and hence new all the gory details. The elder organized everyone into car groups and told this sister and myself to go to the group together in my car. This of course did not eventuate but perhaps was an example of the "shepherds knowing the flock".

I continued with my wife and going to all the meetings. I had written a letter to the Watchtower Society a couple of weeks before all this (suicide, adultery) about an issue that had come up in "field service" that I was unable give a satisfactory answer to the householder. The society sent the reply to the elders of the congregation that I was in at the time.

The elders came to my home and inferred that I may be apostate (talk about kicking a corpse) even though they then told me that the society did not have an answer for this at that time (they could have written to me with this lame answer, it seems elders can discuss spiritual things with disfellowshipped ones if they believe it's applicable).

Around a month after I was disfellowshipped a young brother whom was a friend of mine committed suicide. From what I heard the elders had a meeting with him the night before. The elders came to my home and blamed me for his death (another "kicking" I was starting to believe there was a higher level of disfellowshipping) because he had said "If John can't do it then neither can I" (referring to my disfellowshipping). I do feel some responsibility for his death in as much as I left the poor bugger to the wolves. About 2 months later my mother in law stopped talking to my wife for a while because an elder had told her to be careful, as she had become apostate too.

Throughout this period my wife's father was being brought to justice by the police after he had raped a local girl whose mother happened to be a rape counselor (I felt completely ashamed that the police had not been brought in sooner). With a new found disrespect for the elders and the involvement of the police the family started to talk about the abuse. It tuned out the mother had been raped by him at 15 as well as other sisters and nieces (yes, this was a big family). Some of the sons were also pedophiles. The one that surprised me the most was my ex-wife's closest JW sister who was also raped (she would regularly leave her own daughters there to be looked after). This was perhaps the most profoundly stupid thing I have ever seen or a great example of "waiting on Jehovah".

Interestingly the elder that headed my judicial committee and my ex-wife's father's case was found out to be having affairs and was disfellowshipped about six months later. I was reinstated 3 years later. After about six months of being reinstated I found I could no longer deal with life as a Jehovah's Witness. I left my wife and started a new life. I was disfellowshipped by proxy about a year or so later. I went and got counseling. The counselor was genuinely surprised I was still alive. It has been a slow road to normality and I treasure not feeling the utter anguish that had been so common in my life.

I became a computer engineer and now don't have so many problems with unemployment. I am engaged to be married to an ex police woman who just happened to be a rape detective. Interestingly, she had a case in late 1998 with a JW who was told by her daughter that the daughter's grandfather had "touched" her. The elders told the JW woman not to pursue this with the police and the case never went any further even though my fiancï¿½e asked to speak with the elders.

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I am a single mother and a university student in a specialised quota program. I volunteer with the local chapter of the Boys and Girls Club as a mentor. I was raised a JW and left the organisation at the age of 18. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of a member of the JW organization.

I first visited your site on the recommendation of one of my older brothers who had seen a segment regarding this topic on a national news program. I was moved, shocked and dismayed by the stories I read. As a result of my education, I have been able to filter out much of the misinformation regarding paedophiles that is so commonly held to be true. Paedophilia (as does rape) has very little to do with sex and much more to do with power. The WBTS is very much a patriarchal organization that holds very firmly to Victorian models of behaviour. Being raised in the faith, I do believe that some of the moral and ethical standards are very high and very good. Unfortunately, there appears to be many different standards of ethics and depending on your gender, your status and your level of power, the ethics that you are expected to live by differ. Higher education is frowned upon, especially for women (I wonder why?), and the shroud of secrecy maintained by the gatekeepers of the WBTS is the most potent weapon in the arsenal of any paedophile.

At the age of six, my sister-in-law's younger brother, D, babysat me on two separate occasions. He was 17 years old at the time. On both occasions, D directed me to go to the basement bedroom used by my older brothers. While in the room, he first kissed me then began to assault me. On both occasions, D told me that I was beautiful and that he loved me. On the second occasion, he was interrupted by one of my family, who arrived home early. D told me not to tell because I would get into trouble. Being afraid that I had done something wrong, I never told my mother. I did, however, confide in my best friend who was 5 years older than me. The next meeting that we had, she walked right up to D after the meeting and asked him, in front of me and her older brothers if in fact he had kissed me, because she had not believed what I told her. D laughed and replied that he had no interest in kissing a child. I was humiliated and felt that if my best friend did not believe me, who would? I remained silent thereafter. On the flip side, he must have felt threatened because he never volunteered to look after me again, and mercifully never assaulted me again.

The mind is a wonderful machine, and often protects us from memories that are too painful to bear. Time passed and the memories of the assaults remained safely tucked away, however, the carefree child that I had once been was gone forever. I would no longer go down into the basement of that house alone. My mother did not understand why, however, she attributed it to an overactive imagination. Later on I developed claustrophobia, which was quite a switch from the cuddly child of days gone by. At 15 years of age, I developed a stomach ulcer. At 18 years of age, I stopped attending meetings. An elder called me to find out "what was wrong". At first he was compassionate and caring, however, when I refused to give in to his suggestions that I return to the KH, he became angry and made some cruel comments regarding my future.

At the age of 29 I met my ex-husband, P, the father of my child. He and I spent most of our weekends partying with his friends. On one particular occasion, one of his old high school buddies "cornered" me at a party. My heart began to pound and I felt a cold chill go up my spine. Suddenly, the memories of my childhood assaults exploded in my mind and I began to shake and sweat. I found P in the other room and told him we had to leave. Noting the look on my face he did not question me, but followed me out the door. Once in the car, I began to cry and told him of my childhood experiences. He was shocked and concerned and we spent most of that night talking about my feelings. Because I had suppressed the memories for so many years, it was difficult for me to process all the information at once.

I have never revealed this story to my mother, who is 75 years of age and growing ever-more frail. A few select members of my family are aware of what happened, however, my oldest brother who is an elder in his congregation and a well respected man (by me as well) does not know. As it happens it was his wife's brother who assaulted me. In discussing the matter with my oldest niece (with whom I am very close) I also found out that D assaulted one of her younger sisters and that is why he is not welcome in her father's home. She also revealed to me a history of abuse in that immediate family, which resulted in my sister-in-law developing an eating disorder which continues to this day.

To the best of my knowledge D has been disfellowshipped for sexual misconduct at least once and reinstated at least once. I do not believe that he has suffered any legal ramifications for his behaviour.

What many people do not realise is that most children are highly egocentric until the age of about 12. That is why many children of divorce or abuse take the blame for the situation and place it onto themselves. Children are vulnerable because they are unable physically or financially to care for themselves, leaving them at the mercy of the adults in their lives. Society itself is based on a patriarchal system where any female, regardless of age or religion, who does not display a certain pattern of behaviour, or does not fit the profile of the damsel in distress, is often subjected to ridicule or blamed for the victimization perpetrated upon her. Children are endowed with a sense of imagination, and therefore if they do speak out against their attackers are often told that they must have imagined the incident, or that they are lashing out at the adult caregiver after being denied something they want.

I do not blame my mother or my family for what happened to me. I did not give them the opportunity to respond to the situation at the time. In the past few years, I have shared this information with some of the members of my family with whom I have a particularly close relationship. The response I have received has been compassionate and caring. My mother does not know and at this stage, I see no reason to confront her with the information. She is fragile and worries about me (the baby of the family) enough as it is. While I worked for the local police service, I spoke to a member that I trusted regarding laying information about the assaults. He indicated that at this stage, little could be done to bring D to justice.

I was born in the Year of the Tiger, to which I attribute my courage and strength, along with my protective nature. I strongly believe that my career goals have been affected by my childhood and strengthened my resolve to learn as much as possible about crimes against children and their social/psychological effects. My ex-husband always called me "mother bear" when it came to my daughter, which is also a side effect of my own abuse. My education, along with support from close friends and family has helped me to heal some of the wounds. There are undoubtedly others that will never heal, however, as long as I don't give up, in the end, I WIN!

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I am 30 years old and was raised as a witness. I just want to share my story with you. I was born in the Philippines and it is a very conservative country, combined with being a JW, you practically have to be a saint. I didn't grow up with a dad so I always crave for male attention even when I was a kid. When I was 13 years old, a 19 year old witness was assigned to give me bible lessons. He is a very charming guy and he always gives me compliments like how I am so pretty and I looked older than I was. He would pick me up from school with his car and buy me stuff, at 13, I thought he was awesome, older guy who really likes me, and I was totally falling for him. One day, he asks me if we could do our bible study in his house because he needs to stay home to watch their house for some reason. That was the first time he kissed me and told me that he would show me what petting is all about, and he did. That's how it all started. I didn't want to disappoint him because at this point I was totally in love with him. In the evenings, almost everyday, he would come and visit me, his excuse to my mom was he was helping me with my homework. My mom totally trusted him, I really don't know why, I guess because he is a Jehovah's Witness, he would always stay till everybody's asleep. He would do a lot of things to me that only grownups should know how to do. It went on for 6 months until he got tired of it I guess. He said he can't see me anymore because I was too young and he was neglecting his studies. I was devastated and didn't go to school for like a week because I was so heart broken. I kept a diary and I would write everything in there. My mom read it and went to the elders. they asked uncomfortable questions and I answered them but I was disfellowshipped anyway, was announced in the Kingdom Hall and was shunned by everybody, some of my good friends weren't allowed to talk to me, that hurts allot, they want to but their parents wouldn't let them because that was the rule, they cant talk to me as a punishment, was talked about by the elder's wife. The guy was public reproved but moved away. I was forced to attend the meetings at the same congregation because of my mom. I felt so betrayed and felt so dirty for doing what I did. The guy who did this to me got mad at me for keeping a diary...the elders didn't do squat but instead punished me for committing fornication. I was 13, I was in love, he was 19 and he is my bible counselor. It doesn't make any sense. All throughout my life I blamed myself, I have problems trusting anyone. I had used drugs, slept with more men than I could count, mutilate myself than I could remember, tried to kill myself more than once, I felt worthless.

I don't go to the meetings anymore, I still believe that there's a God but I don't believe in organized religion anymore. Trying to be a better person now...

Thanks for listening.

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I don't want to leave my name.ï¿½I guess that's what happens when you have been a victim of physical and sexual abuse and also a member of the Jehovah's Witness congregation.ï¿½I will say that for many years I always thought that I was the only one who had to endure the nightmare I had called life for so long.ï¿½ When I finally got the strength to go to the elders they called me and my sisters liars.ï¿½You see my dad was loved deeply and no one wanted to accept what we were saying about such a great man.ï¿½I'd call that creature worship!!!ï¿½It destroyed the siblings.ï¿½My beautiful sister committed suicide shortly after that.ï¿½That was 9 years ago and I still can't get past the pain I feel at that losing my precious sister.ï¿½We tried to serve Jehovah but I have always blamed him and the brothers for not helping us.ï¿½I have not been to a meeting in over a year now.ï¿½I am 41 years old and I feel lost.ï¿½I did write to the society after my sister died and reported the abuse but later recanted because my mom told me my letter was keeping my father from ever serving as an elder and I felt guilt so I told my parents body of elders that I had lied to clear his name.ï¿½I hate myself for that.ï¿½My father has never said he was sorry, and in fact denied any wrong doing.ï¿½He has since passed away and I am left here to carry this pain.ï¿½I would love to go back to meetings but I can't walk into a kingdom hall without remembering my past.ï¿½I cry often because I know this system is coming to an end and my son and I will most likely be destroyed because we have not gone to meetings or done what we are supposed to do in order to gain everlasting life.ï¿½I hate the world but I have no where else to go.ï¿½If anything good can come by all the exposure that the Jehovah's Witnesses are getting I hope it is that it saves even just one child from the hell I have lived and am still living to this day.

Waiting to die

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NOTHING WILL COMPLICATE ONES SENSE OF SPIRITUALITY LIKE BEING ABUSED BY ONE YOU BELIEVE IS SPIRITUAL, THEN HAVING NOTHING BEING DONE ABOUT IT. I WAS THREATENED BY ELDERS THAT IF I TOLD ANYONE I WOULD BE GUILTY OF SLANDER. I'M 24 YEARS OLD AND WAS RAISED AS A WITNESS. MY FATHER WAS AN ELDER FOR APPROXIMATELY 30 YEARS, THAT WAS UNTIL HE WAS ASKED TO STEP DOWN BECAUSE OF ME. WHEN I WAS AROUND 11 OR SO A COUPLE MOVED INTO OUR CONGREGATION IN WESTERN NY , AND OF COURSE WERE IMMEDIATELY BEFRIENDED. MY FAMILY TREATED THEM AS CLOSE FRIENDS. THE WIFE WOULD HAVE A WEEKLY STUDY WITH ME JUST FOR ADDITIONAL SPIRITUAL FOOD. WHILE HER 45 YEAR OLD HUSBAND WOULD TAKE ME FISHING AND SHOPPING. HE LOVED KIDS, A LITTLE TOO MUCH. I STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW I ENDED UP WITH HIM ALONE SO OFTEN, YET THE AMOUNT OF INCIDENCES I'VE STILL YET TO NUMBER. LIKE ANY EXPERIENCED CHILD MOLESTER HE WORKED SMOOTHLY WITH MY FAMILY WHILE SHOWING ME THE PERFECT BALANCE OF PLEASURE, PAIN, AND FEAR. HE TOLD ME HOW HE LOVED ME AND WHEN HIS WIFE DIED HE WAS GOING TO COME AND MARRY ME. HE HAD THE NERVE TO FEEL UP MY LEG DURING A SUNDAY TALK, LICK HIS LIPS AND BLOW KISSES AT A BOOK STUDY AT A FRIENDS HOUSE WITH 13 OTHER PEOPLE SITTING IN A CIRCLE WITH US. HE WOULD STALK ME; WATCH ME THROUGH MY BEDROOM WINDOW AT NIGHT. HE FORCED ME TO DO THINGS TO MYSELF AS WELL AS HIM. IT GOT PRETTY BAD BY THE AGE OF 14, HE WAS HAVING SEX WITH ME. I'M TRYING NOT TO MAKE THIS TO LONG, BUT THERE IS SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULDN'T SAY. MY ONLY WAY OUT WAS TO GET IN ENOUGH TROUBLE TO GET SENT AWAY. SO I SLEPT WITH A BOY FROM SCHOOL AND TOLD MY DISAPPOINTED MOTHER. I WAS SENT TO LIVE WITH MY SISTER IN KENTUCKY . I SOON TOLD MY SISTER I WAS MOLESTED, I LEFT IT AT THAT. WELL MY PARENT'S HEARD THEN THE ELDERS IN MY OLD CONGREGATION. BUT THAT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH I HAD TO PERSONALLY TELL THEM. I WAS 15 YEARS OLD AND SCARED TO DEATH, MY PERPETRATOR HAD THREATENED TO KILL MY FAMILY IF I TOLD. IT TOOK SEVERAL YEARS FOR ME TO PERSONALLY TELL THEM AND THEN IT WAS OVER THE PHONE. BY THAT TIME I HAD USED EVERY DRUG UNDER THE SUN, HAD SEX WITH MORE MEN AND WOMEN THAN I COULD COUNT AND HAD PAID A LENGTHY VISIT TO THE NUT HOUSE. I WAS DISFELLOWSHIPPED AT 16 OR 17 SOON AFTER I WAS BAPTIZED. I WENT TO THEM AND SAID I WANTED TO BE SELFISH BUT DIDN'T WANT TO BE A HYPOCRITE SO I WANTED OUT. I SIMPLY WAS TO MESSED U P IN MY HEAD FROM THE ABUSE TO DEAL WITH IT AT THAT POINT.

AFTER YEARS AND YEARS OF COUNSELING AND SELF TREATMENT, I'M WRITING AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY, I FINALLY CAN LIVE WITHOUT DRUGS PROMISCUOUS SEX AND MASS AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL, ALL TO PUSH BACK MEMORIES AND FEELINGS. I AM A SURVIVOR BUT I WILL BE HEALING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. NOW I STRUGGLE WITH MY SEXUAL PREFERENCE BEING I'M A FEMALE AND I AM ATTRACTED TO FEMALES. THIS COMPLICATES ONE TRYING TO LIVE A MORAL LIFE ON TOP OF THE FACT I HOLD RESENTMENT FOR THE PART OF THE RELIGION THAT TREATS ABUSE WITH COVER-UP . I ALSO HOLD RESENTMENT FOR THE LOSS OF MY FAMILY TIES. IN WHICH I LOVE AND RESPECT DEARLY AND PROCEED TO HURT EVERYDAY WITH MY AMBIVALENT LIFESTYLE. OF COURSE MY ABUSER IS FREE TO GO IN SERVICE AND TALK WITH THE FRIENDS AND HIS FAMILY AND ANSWER AT THE KINGDOM HALL, I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY OF THIS, THAT HURTS ME AS MUCH AS IT PISSES ME OFF.

JR

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I am a 22 year old female with a twin sister. We were JW's since the age of 6 (as a side note, it is sad and sick when a 6 year old girl can not sleep because she is pondering whether to live with her father in paradise or die in sin with her mother, that's a tough choice!) and baptized at 12. (we DA'd ourselves when we were 13)

My father and mother were divorced, (my mother being "worldly") and dad remarried a "good standing" woman in our congregation who ran a daycare. This woman was mentally and emotionally abusive, people on the outside world would probably view here as being mentally unstable. This evil woman who I shall refer to as Evileen had a 26 or 27 year old brother who served as a Ministerial Servant and lived at home with his mother. When ever my sister and I would go to his house he would say to us "come in one at a time, and I will let you feed my fish." (the reasoning for one at a time was not to scare the fish) My sister and I were about 11 or 12 so we got excited about things like that as all JW children do because your life is so dull and monotonous. So either one of us would go in his bedroom, he would shut the door, beckon you to his lap and rub his erection back and forth against your but. In the back of my head I thought that is strange, I don't feel a hard lump when I sit on daddy's lap, or anyone else for that matter. (keep in mind the only thing I was told about sex was that it was a dirty thing to do with anyone but your husband and I always saw myself as an ugly person who would never have to worry about being married let alone have sex) I also thought this might be wrong, but the other half of my brain told me that all JWs are nice, honest, and respectable people, so I thought it must have been my imagination. Then about 3 or 4 months later my dad sat us down and asked us if David had or has acted inappropriately towards my sister and I. Our eyes must have been 2 times the size, my sister and I looked at each other and at the same time replied "Of course not, why would you think such a think?" (At this time a friend of ours was molested by a JW (he stuck his hand down her pants and touched her vagina), and no action was taken against him and she was just pretty much publicly humiliated. Her molester ended up marrying a JW (another friend of ours) about 4 or 5 years later and had a daughter.) So for some reason my wise father sensed something was not right, but me nor my sister took advantage of telling what had happened until about a year ago. I just hope all of his fish are dead, and he doesn't bother any other girls, or someone uncovered the sick truth about him being a pedophile.

I also hope he reads this because I am sure he will know this is about him. I just want all active JWs to know that just because people claim to be a JW doesn't mean they are without reproach and treating a sexual abuse victim like a criminal is a sure fire way for someone to lose faith. I am not currently a JW, and I have never been so happy, all my feelings of hopelessness are gone, and I would never return to such a cult.

Thanks for taking the time to read this,

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I just found this website because a local news- channel just did a investigative report on JW's hiding pedophiles. I found it ironic because the JW that abused me used to work for that same tv station... I've been seeing a counselor since last fall and when I started going I had no memory of the abuse.
I was born into that religion, raised an elder's daughter's, was horribly depressed and didn't know why. I went to the hospital once on a suicide attempt that almost killed me. Two elders visited me in intensive care and told me "if ever needed someone to talk to...".
They never tried to find out why I would do something like that. I was in an elder's meeting about me smoking and went in there with a Nicoderm patch to show them that I had quit for good. And by the way, here's entire box of disks with my dads child porn/bondage collection me and my mom pulled off his computer. They refused to look. Changing the subject they told me to pray and get rid of my one worldly friend who was the influence that got me to smoke. When I went back for the follow up meeting, I was honest and told them I had only made an effort to pray once because I felt uncomfortable to approach Jehovah in prayer. And by the way I want to tell you that my dad gave me a massage, took my clothes off down to my underwear and complimented my butt. At that one of the three elders turned on me in a complete rage and asked me how my clothes got off, implying that I had teased him and stripped. They then went in the other room to pray and came back to announce that they had decided to disfellowship me. What did I get disfellowshipped for? Smoking? No, I had quit. Worldly association? Not a disfellowshipping offense, just looked down upon. Now after 4 years of being "out", my father is still there. He was put on "private reproof", and somehow still allowed to say prayers and go in field service. I now remember what happened after he took my clothes off, he forced oral sex on me and raped me. I wish I had remembered that to tell the elders at the time, but I had blocked all of the abuse out. I now have reason to believe that his father also abused me. (also still in the religion in another state)
But how the hell do I PROVE any of it?!? I want my father behind bars so bad - but how do you prove what you didn't remember to tell someone about? Thank you for this website and the knowledge that I was not an isolated incident of abuse in that religion. And I definitely agree with the one woman about the Witnesses being under a demonic influence. I could write a lot more about when I was at Bethel and what went on there. Maybe when I have more time. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, I feel a little better. I love all my "silentlamb" brothers and sisters. We don't need those assholes to make us be quiet anymore!

N.G.

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I discovered your web site by accident and I am so thankful I did. I was a Jehovah Witness for 28 years and because of the things that I have seen and suffered I finally got the courage to leave. I left the organization three months ago.

My daughter was molested by her baptized stepfather when she was eight. Of course I called the elders and you already know what happened. My daughter now hates me, left my home when she was fifteen. Her life was destroyed. She became a street person and all the things that go with that life style. I have not seen her in twenty years and have not spoken to her in fifteen years. I don't know where she is or even if she is alive. She blames me for everything. She is right! I wanted to be accepted so badly I went along with what I knew in my heart was wrong. I will live with that the rest of my life. Please feel free to print this. I hope it will prevent two more lives from being destroyed. "

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I would like to tell my story. At the age of 21 I was sexually assaulted by a stranger, who was not a Jehovah's Witness. To make a long story short I was disfellowshipped as a result of my sexual assault. I was treated as if I was a hooker looking for a good time! One of three elders who came to my home (at the time I didn't know they were coming over to talk to me about the assault) asked me how I was dressed the night of my assault. I was told to repent. Repent of what? I was a victim of a violent crime! Rape is not a crime of passion like these sick people think! Thank you for letting me share my story.

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This has happened more than we know. My daughter was molested by a elders son and nothing was done judicially. She was contacted on a three-way call with the Society Legal Department and two elders in the congregation where she was molested. No practical help or advice to sooth the tremendous shock we suffered. Later he was finally reported to the police, the statute of limitations had run out.

Elders were useless hypocrites. They steered clear of us for a long time as if we were tainted. We changed congregations. The abuser/Elder was made the WT conductor, Service Overseer. He is nothing but a hard hearted Eli who let his sons go wild on the young girls in the congregation. His son impregnated two other children ( 18 years old ) in the congregation when the Elders full well knew that he was a sex offender.

It galls me that no matter what happens to us in life, there is no brotherhood. They won't even make soup when you're sick or offer grocery shopping. Elders "talk "about shepherding, but rarely do it until there is a crisis, "Go in peace brother and let Jehovah answer your prayers to help the offender."

Everyone feels that this is the beginning of persecution when it's a time for reckoning. A lot of witnesses are afraid because the "society "demands loyalty and obedience. People are afraid to talk and tell their stories.

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I learned about this website today by a co-worker who used to be a Jehovah Witness. I decided to send my comments in reference to children molestation. I am 33 years old now and was a victim of molestation as a child. I was not molested by an elder or any member from the congregation, but I was molested by my step father who is a Jehovah Witness. I was 5 years old when I remember the first time he began to molest me. I told my mother in two separate occasions. The first time she had a talk with my step-dad, who promised her this would never happen again. I can't imagine myself having a talk with a man my daughter accuses of molesting, especially if this person is my husband! Well, it did happen to me. My mother continued, married to my step-father and the molestation continued over and over every single day of my life. The second time I told again was to a sister of the congregation which I thought she would help me and finally put an end to this. She went, talked to my mother and both went to the elders in the congregation, they had a talk with my step father which never denied any of the accusations. I was happy that they finally knew what had been happening to me for so many years and thought that they would call the police and arrest this man for molestation, but at the end they said that we could not tell anyone to avoid publicity and putting a bad reputation to the congregation. So instead they expelled him from church and my mother continued married to this man.

My only way out of this ordeal was to get married at the age of 17, which I married only to get away from home, because my step father now re established back into the congregation continued to molest me.

There is not one day that goes by without thinking about my childhood. I had no childhood. I have hate for my mother sometimes, I don't understand how she could not protect me as a child or like a mother would, I don't know how she can live and sleep everyday of her life and continue to be married to this man without feeling guilty in her conscience. I have hate for the organization for not protecting me as a child and focused on keeping things down low for there convenience. I detest my step-father who knows that got away with it and up to this day, when I take my kids every so often to visit my mother always tries rubbing against me, proposes sex to me and talks dirty to me and they are still Jehovah Witnesses. Do you think that I can say anything to anyone now? I can't even tell my mother, she never did anything in the first place why would she do anything now.

I know there are a lot of children that have gone through my same experience, I feel that by writing to you, and telling my story, others will come through and speak up of there past experiences or maybe even going through this now. I hope one day I can put this behind and live a normal life.

M.Z.

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I attended my brother's funeral last Tuesday. He was autistic and died suddenly at 50 years old. My father does not usually have any contact with me, but rang me to let me know when he had died and the time and date of the funeral. I arrived alone, while the rest of my family arrived in the funeral car. As I approached the chapel, there were a crowd of Jehovah's Witnesses outside talking amongst themselves. They all went silent as I walked up to the chapel. My family arrived in procession and ignored me as they walked past me into the chapel. My older brother, who sexually abused me when I was 6 and he was 17, gave me a "smug" look as if to say "I may be the abuser, but you are the one who is on the outside." My younger brother who I also had arrested because he sexually abused my daughter when she was 5 and he was 15, also looked at me with the same expression.

They all walked into the chapel, followed by the rest of the people. The "Elder" who made sexual advances to me when I was 16, was helping out with the funeral. He walked up to me and asked me if I was going inside. I refused and told him I preferred to stay outside. He told me that there was a speaker outside so that I could hear the service. My parents have always been a friend of this "Elder" and they blamed me for leading him astray!! As soon as the service began, I did not want to listen to it, so I walked down to where the grave was. The coffin had been left by the grave side, so I was pleased to be able to spend some time alone with my brother before the burial. After all he is the only one in my family who is innocent and blameless and has no clue what has gone on in the family. As I saw the family approach the grave, I backed away and watched the burial from a distance. My mother was very upset and would not go near the grave side, or watch the burial. This is her typical way, "if I don't see it, it isn't happening!" I watched my father pat my two brothers on the back and my sister hugging my mother, they put on a big show of "we are all together and we do not need you." My father began to shake the hand of everyone, thanking them for attending, he did not come to me at all. The burial was over, so I left. The "wake" was being held at this "Elder's" house. I will NEVER go to a family funeral again, there is no one else there who deserves my presence. My parents are 71 and soon they will die and this situation will never change.

My eldest brother's daughter has had a "breakdown" recently and has said she cannot trust men and accused her father of being a paedophile. This niece was not at the funeral. My brother's wife is blind and wants to separate from him, he is making HER leave the house, when she knows it so well, which is very cruel.

This whole situation makes me sick to the stomach, I want them all to pay for what they have done, I have to constantly tell myself that i am NOT a bad person. I have always tried to stand up for what is right.

Is there a branch of your organisation in the UK with whom I could get in touch? I have no family whatsoever that I can talk to and no one else seems to understand the anguish I go through.

Thank you for listening.

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I was born the fourth child of a woman who was a devout Jehovah's Witness from the age of sixteen. I remember thinking that I would love to just be able to believe in something as much as she believed in this religion of hers. But I didn't. I couldn't. Because this same religion condoned and allowed her behavior and the behavior of her best friends.

My mother was married prior to my birth to another man and she had three children from that union. My brother and two sisters were 11, 8 and 7 years older than I was. My mother (a devout but human JW) then had an affair with a very compelling and handsome man, (my father) and was disfellowshipped for it for a time. Then she gave birth to me.

Apparently, long before my birth, my father was taking my two sisters out of school to put them in a child pornography ring and to allow his friends to sexually molest them. They were ages 4 and 5. By the time I was born, he was well into his abuse of my sisters.

When my oldest sister was 8, the story broke about what my father was doing to her and my mother all but killed my father. She prosecuted him and he was supposed to do 50 years but his brother knew the judge and bought him off and he did 6 months in county jail. In the meantime, my second sister, had developed multiple personalities to help her deal with the horrors she was dealing with. I believe my mother was disfellowshipped again at that time for going to the authorities with that information.

My mother left him and moved with her 4 kids from LA to Hayward CA and started a new life there. She made new friends in the Hayward congregation and those friendships stayed very well intact until the day of her death many many years later.

These best friends of hers (also Jehovah's Witnesses) are the source of my story. Now let me say that until I was grown, I had nothing to gauge a normal family or friendship on so I didn't know that anything was amiss with these people. I remember being abused by the woman friend at the very tender age of 3. I have some very vivid abuse memories from that age. When I was 4 we moved to Lake Tahoe because my mother was running from my father and was worried that he would make good on his threat and kidnap me. We traveled to Hayward/Oakland area often to visit this "best friend" family. They had 3 children. Their oldest son was 3 years older than me and their daughter was 1 year younger and they had a son later who was 6 years younger. The oldest son was my childhood sweetheart until I was about 12 years old when he started being abusive to me. And the father was doing sexually abusive things to me any time he could, which was pretty often. ( I believe this man is even now and elder in the Redding congregation)

And when I was 16 my girlfriend from this "friend" family gave birth to a daughter. My friend was 15. After years passed, I asked her one time, why does Jennifer look exactly like your family of origin? Why aren't there some features of her father in her ( whoever he is)? My friend looked at me with disgust and said "Cheri, was I allowed to go any fucking place? Anytime? Anywhere? No!! Who the hell do you think the father is?" My 3 "friend" offsprings were sequestered in their home always. ALWAYS!!! They were removed from school and forced to stay at home with only each other as playmates. And play they did.

There are many more stories of abuse with regards to this family and mine but some of the more serious violence was when the oldest son threw me off the balcony for threatening to tell on him. And the Elders disassociated my girlfriend for having her brother's child but swept the details under the rug of course. The oldest boy married eventually and his wife is now deaf from the beatings he gives her. My mother was obviously in an affair with this couple for years and up until her death in 1991 and those people are still in good standing with the congregation.

My sisters are both mentally ill. One of them more so than the other. My sister ( second) is a paranoid schizophrenic now with multiple personalities who walks the street of Lake Tahoe and talks to bushes and trees and fights with the demons in public. My brother is an alcoholic with a wonderful family and wife of over 30 years but he hasn't been a wonderful husband due to his demons. My other sister is also mentally ill but less so than my multiple sister. I have been a drug addict since the age of about 16 with recovery coming and going and growth occurring but always relapsing again. I have been married 5 times and have a true hatred of men. I have been raped at 18 years old with my 5 month son present and my son was abused also. I was disfellowshipped twice. I have no intention of returning to the "truth". I think that organized religion is as bad as organized crime. Even with this and all the events that I did not state, I am astounded and shocked by this website. I had no idea!!!! This is a heinous crime upon our children and society in general. "Witnesses"? to what? To the truth of the abuse that occurs? To the cover-ups within there congregation?

I saw the program last night on the national news and want to tell you my story.

I too was molested and although not still a child, I was about 19 - 20 years old when it happened, I went to the elders along with another young woman, who also was molested by the same elder.ï¿½

I do not remember her name, but her and I got to talking, I do not remember which one of us started the conversation, but it turned out that the same elder was making advances to both of us, so together we went to the elders.ï¿½They listened to our complained and then told us this; since her and I had talked about it to each other, it was not a valid claim.ï¿½If we had gone to the elders individually without talking to each other, I suppose we would have been told the same thing since the Jehovah's Witnesses require 2 eyewitnesses to an event.ï¿½This happened in the State of South-Carolina.

I just want to say I have been glued to your web site for a few hours now. I saw the special on the news last evening.

I have felt for years like a victim of the JW religion. I was raised as a JW. My parents attended for years on and off for as long as I can remember. In my early teens they (my parents became active once again) and this time for the long hall. I am the youngest of five children. Atï¿½this time my twin brother and I were the only ones still living at home. Our older brothers and sister where all active JWs. It was than that we were forced to go to all the meetings and to go door to door with the latest publications and the Awake and Watchtower magazine. I hated going door to door I always felt as though it was an invasion of a persons privacy. Iï¿½never could agree with some of the teachings and was always questioning certain beliefs. I have always contended that this religion brings in believers and keeps its believers in the faith by fear ... fear of dying at Armageddonï¿½or being disfellowshipped. I had a good friend who was repeatedly molested by her father (an elder) and her brother. When she shared this information with me I immediately told my father (an elder at that time) He than called a committee meeting I explained to the committee what my friend told me and they told me to be quiet and not tell anyone. I thought all would be taken care of. My friend was not allowed to talk to me or have any thing to do with me. SHE WAS PUT ON PUBLIC REPROOF. For conduct unbecoming a Christian. She did not do any thing! Well the story comes to an awful conclusion,....My friend later in life sadly took her own life. No one would listen to her or believe her. They did not even have a memorial service for her. They took her child and raised her as their own. When ever you would see them and ask about my friend who killed her self they always contended that she was mentally ill!!!! It makes me so sad that i lost a good friend because of a sick cover up.

I stayed a JW for years I was so afraid of dying at Armageddon. Yet I still did not believe some of their teaching. When I would question these teaching I would be told that I had no faith and that is why I couldn't believe and that I should not question Jehovah god or speculate his teachings. When I was 19 I married a young man a non believer, although he did study with my father and a few other brothers in the congregation. He did like the fact that the man was in charge and that the wife and women of the congregation held no positions of authority. It was not soon after we were married that he began to beat me and verbally abuse me. I reported my problem to another brother in our congregation (an elder) he told me to be patient that my husband would come around. I was told to continue on with my studies and go door to door and keep up the good work, that my good example would change my husband. As the years went on the beatings got worse, almost on a daily basis. When our children were born he even abused them. I repeatedly went to the elders and my own family for help, over and over again I was told to stay with my husband and always told not to get the police involved. Well after eight years of this I finally decided to leave my husband, my own father admonished me not to... he told me that my divorce would never be recognized by the organization. And that I would not be welcome at his house for doing such and unquestionable act.ï¿½You see I had no proof that my husband had committed adultery, not to say also that I was so worn down by the abuse that I was forced to endure for eight long years yet this was not enough proof to the organization that i wanted out of that marriage. My husband had told me about his affairs and each time I went to the elders with this they always told me I needed written proof or two witnesses to his adultery ... please. I could not believe that Jehovah god would want me to stay in such an abusive marriage. My husband was always welcomed with open arms and hand shakes each and every time he attended the meeting! Me I was put on private reproof forï¿½ cursing! So I finally I left him even though I knew it meant losing my family. I was disfellowshipped shortly after my divorce for what I do not know. I refused to go to their meeting. I got out of and abusive relationship one that I felt was going to result in my death and yet I am the one who was punished by the organization. I lost my family. Was told not to attend my fathers memorial when he died. I am still to this day treated as though I have some incurable disease. If only I had of listened to my heart all those years ago I would not have had to live the abusive life i was forced to live in the JW organization. And if their policies had of been different maybe my friend would be still alive.ï¿½I have since married a wonderful man and he is not a JW and never will be. Heï¿½ and all my prayers to god are theï¿½ones who helped me get over the horrible night mares. And helped me believe in family and love again. I will never understand a religion who preaches family closeness can and will be the first to tear and family apart one piece at a time. Two of my brothers one who was an elder have left the faith also. And both live happy and very productive lives. The oldest of the two resigned his eldership shortly after our father died ... his reason is because of the way my self and my twin brother (who also is disfellowshipped) was treated at our fathers death and are treated to this day. I know that this lengthy but this is a wonderful thing that you are doing letting others share their stories. God bless you and what you are doing to change the policies of child abuse and any abuse for that matter in the Jehovah's witnesses organization!ï¿½

My story is quite lengthy, so please bear with me. My story begins in 1968, when I was 3 years old.ï¿½This is the time when I started knowing myself (gaining memory).ï¿½ It was at this time that I realized that my mother was a religious person.ï¿½After all, we (me and my brothers and mother) went to "this place" with our bibles and a bright pink book.ï¿½We did this several times during the week.ï¿½It was also during this time that I have memories of my mom sitting me and my brothers down with a big peach color book, teaching us bible stories from it.ï¿½We were constantly told about God, his Son and some group of people called the 144,000 who were supposed to be "best friends" of Jesus.ï¿½We were also reminded that Jesus "best friends" were put in charge of running the meetings.ï¿½Jesus put them in charge, so we have to listen to them, trust them and love them, just like we do Jesus.ï¿½The biggest reminder was, that we must always go to these meetings. If we did not, we would be destroyed at Armageddon. It was reiterated constantly that in order not to be destroyed we have to trust, listen and obey the people at the K.H., especially those that talked to us from the stage.ï¿½That's when the programming began.ï¿½Total trust in PEOPLE and an ORGANIZATION, not Jesus and Jehovah.ï¿½Furthermore, what was really disgusting about the programming was, that we were told that those people don't do anything wrong. Just like we don't want to be destroyed, they don't want to be destroyed.ï¿½Unfortunately, we believed that.ï¿½We always listened to our mom.

Oftentimes, my parents (father eventually got baptized), would drop me and my brothers over to my grandma's house to be babysat or just to visit.ï¿½This is where the events unfold.ï¿½My aunt and uncle (who owned the house) lived in the downstairs apartment.ï¿½My uncle (married to my father's sister), always had a particular interest in me and me exclusively out of the rest of the children (siblings cousins, etc.).ï¿½ He always would have his hands on me for one reason or another.ï¿½He would either have me sit on his lap, throw me up in the air (since i am a tiny little thing), wrestle, play tag, always some sort of contact. To me it was just "playing".ï¿½Each time we went over to grandma's, my uncle became more daring.ï¿½What used to be just a little playing, became something different.ï¿½He started luring me downstairs to his apartment, telling me that my aunt (his wife) had some goodies for me (candy, cupcakes surprises).ï¿½Once we got down there, he would turn the TV on, say a few things to my aunt and then sit me on his lap.ï¿½As I was sitting on his lap, he would take my hand and have me place it on his penis.ï¿½He would actually put his hand on top of my hand and squeeze, thus making me squeeze his penis.ï¿½However, this action just wasn't enough for him, he needed more.ï¿½He started taking advantage of every opportunity that he could use, especially when my aunt went upstairs to check on grandma.ï¿½When my aunt went upstairs, he would pull his penis out and put it near my face and eventually in my mouth.ï¿½But, that still was not good enough, he pulled my pants down and rubbed his penis on my vagina and he tried to stick it in.ï¿½I was victimized with his behavior for four (4) years.ï¿½He continually told me that what he was doing was good and we are just playing.ï¿½Playing is fun, he used to tell me.ï¿½Throughout those 4 years, I would periodically complain to my mother that my "gina" (vagina) was hurting.ï¿½She would ask me why it was hurting. I would tell her that it was from playing.ï¿½She would check me out and put me in a bath of hot water and vinegar.ï¿½I guess my mom just didn't get it. I don't know.ï¿½ Throughout the 4 years, my uncle became bolder and bolder with his behavior.ï¿½It got to the point that he no longer felt that he would have to take me downstairs.ï¿½ He would sit right on my grandmother's couch in her apartment and sit me on his lap very meticulously.ï¿½No one could see that he was fondling me and that I was holding his penis.ï¿½He would periodically reach down and put his hand on top of my hand again.ï¿½He would also, do other bizarre things in front of people.ï¿½My uncle performed these hideous acts while he was known as the City Overseer.ï¿½Eventually they changed the arrangements and made him the Presiding Overseer.ï¿½In 1972 he and his wife moved away!ï¿½The abuse stopped.ï¿½But the scars remained.

Only Lord knows exactly how long prior to my knowledge that he did things to me.ï¿½ All I know is that my subconscious (flashbacks) have continually nagged me since 1987.ï¿½That's when I got married.ï¿½I tried to ignore them.ï¿½I even tried to push them away (mentally). It didn't work.ï¿½There are just too many scars.ï¿½There was a point though, in the 80"s around 1980-81, that I confided in a cousin, who is also a JW.ï¿½She only stated that she had always felt uncomfortable around him and that she knew that something was wrong with him.

Anyway, flashbacks really came at an all-time high in 1995, when my mom left my dad (for the 10th time) and moved in with me.ï¿½Thank God it was only for 6 months.ï¿½ But in that 6 month period, she put me and my family through hell.ï¿½With her and my dad being at each other's throat, pulling me and my family through their nonsense and me trying to deal with my own inner turmoil, I started having panic attacks.ï¿½ I thought that I was dying.ï¿½I couldn't breathe, I felt faint, I could not move (stifled), my heart felt like it was trying to jump out of my body, I had no feelings in my limbs.ï¿½It was at this point that I sought medical treatment.ï¿½The doctor, diagnosed me with depression and put me on medication. The meds made me sick.ï¿½I could not take them.ï¿½This is also when I told my husband what happened to me.ï¿½He previously had no clue.ï¿½He kept encouraging me to tell my parents what happened and also face the offender.ï¿½I was just not ready for that.ï¿½My family is extremely dysfunctional.ï¿½They have their own problems.ï¿½The so-called elders in my congregation wanted to know what was going on with me.ï¿½But, I definitely, did not feel comfortable at that time to confide my deep dark secrets with people I really did not know that well.ï¿½They tried to put pressure on me by sending their wives to my house to get me to confide in them.ï¿½Eventually, I did confide in them.ï¿½ So at that time, two elders knew about my situation.ï¿½They never offered any kind of help, encouragement or showed compassion. It was like talking to a cold stone wall.ï¿½They would even make some sarcastic remarks to me at the K.H.ï¿½That's when I really started realizing that something is wrong with those people (JW's).ï¿½To make a very long story, shorter, other disgusting and unchristlike events happened to my immediate family (at the hands of those JW's).ï¿½We eventually, were assigned to a newly forming congregation.ï¿½We thought accepting the assignment would help us. It did not. The programming that my mother instilled in me and eventually got programmed inside the minds of my poor children and my husband . That programming led us to conclude that going to another congregation would somehow help. You know one of their very famous sayings are "We're not here for the people, but Jehovah".ï¿½What garbage!!ï¿½We continued to stay with that congregation for about 2 yrs.ï¿½Continually, ignoring some very serious problems and issues.ï¿½After all when you are programmed, that's what you do.ï¿½After experiencing the last disgusting event involving my immediate family (The P.O.'s sister sending my husband love letters), I decided that enough is enough.ï¿½We (my husband and I) tried to resolve that situation over and over again.ï¿½But to no avail.ï¿½Just like they ignored the child abuse that I sustained (yes these new set of elders know about my abuse too), they ignore the fact that the P.O.'s sister is a whore.ï¿½The bottom line is, it seems like many JW's have some sort of sexual problems.ï¿½Those "brothers" are well aware of the child abuse that I sustained.ï¿½The "elders" in the new congregation know the details in my case.ï¿½They were reminded about this when that courageous sister's program aired on TVï¿½After that programmed aired they had an emergency elders meeting informing the elders how to "handle" these situations.ï¿½I know because, my husband was still an elder then.ï¿½After, the program aired on TV and after the emergency meeting, he decided to step down, He's married to a victim. He's knows that something is wrong with the organization.ï¿½I knew a while back but couldn't admit it to myself.ï¿½But after that sister disrespected and dishonored my family, that was a huge stepping stone for us.ï¿½I haven't been back to the meetings for over a year.ï¿½I do not plan on ever returning.ï¿½I really believe, now that THOSE people are really "Babylon the Great" that THEY are always referring too.ï¿½THEY are "false religion".ï¿½Right now, I am in the process of de-programming my family.ï¿½ I am making headway with my children.ï¿½My husband still, goes to a meeting periodically at another congregation(he left the one where Jezebel is located).ï¿½Maybe, 3 times a month.ï¿½Field Service is a thing of the past. The bookstudy is a thing of the past.ï¿½That's a major step.ï¿½I am in the process of finding another place of worship,ï¿½ I just thank God that I was able to get some peace with my situation.ï¿½I noticed that great peace came over me when I left the organization, and I really started praying to the "real Jehovah".ï¿½Not the Jehovah that they portray him to be.ï¿½I learned that there is a huge difference between Jehovah and Jehovah's Witnesses.ï¿½ My hope and prayer is that the millions of JW's that are stilled entrapped, some how, some way, find the courage and boldness to get out of that demonic organization.ï¿½ And any of those that have been abused and those that are still being abused come forward and get the help that they need and deserve.ï¿½Talking about it is one of the cheapest and effective therapies available.

Thank you for listening. And keep up the good work!

My name is Dxxx and I am a victim!

ï¿½

I am 48 years old and I have never been able to find the peace of mind that the Bible speaks of because of living through the sheer horror of this nightmare. My father was the congregation overseer in 1959 when I was violently raped by him and my grandfather. This went on for many years, finally reaching out and including other elders and the abuse of many of young brothers in our congregation. I have been personally told by a brother who is very elderly now but used to be an elder hereï¿½that one of the elders had abused all three of his daughters and that nothing was ever done about this man. I recently turned this brother in to the law andï¿½he is now 76 years old, for raping his granddaughter since she was 5 years old and is now 11. And nothing was going to be done with him again. He has been caught on numerous occasions and moved to different cong. and is still preying on the people in our circuit.

Because of my action with going to the law, he has now been disfellowshipped but only after the child protection agency has got involved. One brother in our area even was schooled in bethel, came back and was serving as a presiding overseer in a neighboring cong. and was caught in a 5 year old F.B.I. sting for trafficking in child porn/movies. He was one of my fathers young conquests years ago. The brothers in his cong. were going to disfellowship him, but brothers from Bethel came from back east and made it all disappear. He was taken out of sight and out of the limelightï¿½for about 2 years and now he is serving as the presiding overseer again in the same congregation, there is something drastically wrong with all of this!!

Why I am writing this is to say that you have another voice to depend on here! I have recently stepped aside as a ministerial servant for I can no longer silence my anger over the loss of our children. Certainly I feel fear and trepidation, that I might be displeasing Jehovah but I cannot with a clear conscience be silent any longer. I want very much to join in helping get the procedure's changed in the organization, dealing with child molesters.

ï¿½

. . . I'm glad this insane policy is being exposed. I thought about adding our story to the list along with official Society correspondence that proves their horrible position even clearer, but I can't have my name nor my child's put on public display without hurting my children further. It's been a long term ordeal, especially for my son. I want him to heal emotionally and that would reopen his wounds and subject him to further embarrassment.

ï¿½

I was in the "organization" for 31 years and was molested by 2 different elders (one was my father). The brothers refused to do anything about it and still have my father in a congregation "unmarked".

ï¿½

I live in New Zealand and wish there were elders in our congregation like you who stood for Jehovah's principles and didn't bow to their own personalities and reputations. I wish there was an elder here who would consider the victims and not the predators. I wish there were elders who showed love for us and not themselves.

ï¿½

When I was seventeen, I was raped by an anointed one. For some reason the elders saw fit to publicly reprove me. He was privately reproved.

ï¿½

My granddaughter (4 years old) has reported to her father that her step-father (who is a JW), has molested her. It was reported to Social Services by someone, but our family was accused. The mother (my former daughter-in-law) was irate - saying that she was handling this in her own way.

ï¿½

I went to the elders in my congregation in Florida about 4 years ago. I had learned of my father-in-law's abuses about 3 years before that and was patiently "waiting on Jehovah" to deal with the situation. While I was waiting I found out that there had been yet another victim. An 8 year old girl who later was hospitalized for wanting to kill herself. The society was aware and yet the only action that was taken was that xxx "stepped down" from being an elder and congregation overseer.

ï¿½

One day a fellow member, a "brother", was reinstated. He was formerly disfellowshipped for a reason that no one is allowed to say, for it is considered gossip. This so called brother was the son of two persons, who my wife and I studied with and came into the Jehovah's Witness organization. He befriended us and kept offering to change our baby's diapers, holding him on his lap at the Kingdom Hall and conventions. Some persons in the congregation knew well that he was disfellowshipped for child molestation, but never taken to court (due to the misapplication of 1 Corinthians chapter 6) and refused to inform me of this in obedience to the elder's directions.

Only after another witness of a different local Kingdom Hall informed me of this brother's pedophile problem, as well as his current behavior in hanging around children in his own Kingdom Hall, did I find this out. I then approached the elders, who were extremely apologetic and told me they were "afraid I would leave the truth, if I knew." Imagine, they were willing to put my innocent child in the danger of a molester to keep me as a Jehovah's Witness. Not only that, but this child molester's younger brother truly confided in me and informed me that the reason for his older brother's disfellowshipment was that he had in his care a 6 year old boy and was abusing him on a daily basis. He and another elder had repeatedly molested more than one child in their congregation. Despite the extreme nature of this case, in less then two years later, the other man was reappointed as an elder.

ï¿½

Thought I would send you some info on an individual who molested my cousin, was deleted (never disfellowshipped) and appointed a pioneer by the Watchtower Society a few years later.

ï¿½

Years ago my wife was molested while by her father and when the local elders found out, all they were really interested in was "protecting the name of the congregation." Their only action was to give my father-in-law what he himself described as "a spiritual pep talk." The point being that they did not want to touch the real topic with a ten foot pole and so just tried to get him to improve his meeting attendance and door to door service time on the grounds that that would make him a more spiritual man who would not do "such things." In recent years my wife and I tried to make sure, through the proper organizational channels, that he would never be put in situations where he could molest other children in his congregation, but found that what we got was a stalling tactic.

ï¿½

My 4 year old daughter is being sexually molested by a congregation member. I contacted my father(an elder) regarding this situation because the man's daughter is part of his congregation and she has MAJOR problems(which leads me to believe her dad has not left her untouched.) I warned my father and his response to my telling him to warn her mom was, "He is no longer an active member and so it's not something I will act on." I couldn't believe my ears! My mom later contacted my daughter and said,"You need to forgive him because Jehovah has and Jehovah still loves him."

ï¿½

The ministerial servant has now been found guilty in a court of law of molesting a "non believer" and when I wanted to go to court to lend some weight to the young girls case, my mom told me that the case was just about people who had studied and now wanted to bring reproach on Jehovah's name. When I asked her to come to court for me, she refused - she wouldn't even go and tell the court what she knew had happened 20 years back and kept quiet about all these years! Yes, I did tell my parents, and they did nothing. They thought they were protecting me! (By the way, the abuser has not been disfellowshipped either! - even though he was convicted in court. I just think about what he has been doing in the congregation with other young girls for the last 20 years!)

ï¿½

As I started to deal with my depression I started remembering sexual abuse (ritual/satanic) from the age four. I was abused by one of the anointed, elders, Ms's and by my step father. I went through therapy for five years.

ï¿½

Through the entire incident my sister and I were never given any counseling or even treated kindly by the elder body. In fact, I was made to feel guilty for even bringing the matter to them, and my sister was treated as a betrayer. It was just recently that I have come to understand how this incident has affected both my sister and myself through the years. At the time I was suicidal and jumped out of a moving car. I have suffered from depression for years, and this may be a good part of the reason it never even entered by head until recently that we were failed by a lack of concern and kindness on the part of the elders. Instead of being commended for coming forward with the truth, we were treated as the enemy.

ï¿½

When I was 14 he started molesting me and I was too afraid of him to tell him no. My mother eventually found out and somehow managed to kick him out. There was a committee meeting with three elders (always three) which I was not present at. The elders convinced my mother to forgive my stepfather and let him come back. You can imagine my horror. About a month or two after that, my stepfather cheated on my mother and then she finally had "scriptural" grounds for divorce. Not long after that he moved to Washington and remarried a Jehovah's Witness woman who had five daughters and about a year later was promoted to the status of an elder!

When I was in a couple of those committee meetings with the elders, I brought up the subject of my stepfather and asked why he was never punished and why was he allowed to become and elder and their response was the same every time. "Jehovah God will deal with people like that in his own time."

ï¿½

During this time, the ministerial servant who had molested me when I was young got arrested for abusing another young girl who wasn't a Jehovah's Witness. It was causing quite a scandal because this brother had become exceptionally wealthy over the years and was a very prominent business man in the city. My mother wrote to the body of elders and told then that I had been molested 20 years previously by the same man, and that her and my dad had kept it a family secret. However, this brother was still not disfellowshipped because he told the elders that the reason these people were making this case against him was to try and extort money from him and he denied all charges!

Anyway, the court case was progressing and I phoned and gave an affidavit to the police as to what had happened to me previously -just to lend weight to this man being convicted. I also wanted to appear in court on the girls behalf and I wanted my mom to accompany me, because she knew I was telling the truth. My mom refused. She said that the reason why every thing was being made into a big issue was because they were "worldly" people trying to bring "reproach" on Jehovah's organisation.

Most of the witnesses in that area believe that to be true. Mom also said I should just leave the matter to the elders to sort out. Anyway, this man was found guilty in a court of law of child abuse, but is appealing the case. He has plenty of money to drag this through the courts for years. Interestingly enough, he has still not been disfellowshipped.

ï¿½

One involved a young Japanese girl who was repeatedly raped by an elder as a child. That elder is now a circuit overseer. Before she was raped, the elder and a ministerial servant would come to her house and have sex with her mother while forcing her to watch (She was 12 at the time. Her mother had gotten divorced). The girl is now 23 and is an emotional wreck.

ï¿½

I can think of 7 victims in the 2 congregations that I was in. Four of these cases were incestuous, (the fathers being either elders or servants). In all cases, no abuser was found guilty by the JC. Even in a case where the abuser was convicted in court, he still remained "in good standing". All cases were kept strictly confidential with most of the abusers moving on to new congregations, or new wives.

ï¿½

Further we can relate that the Richmond elders did not consult with and inform any of the parents in the congregation or their children to see if the kids in their hall had also been molested even as had been the non-JW child that Gardner did admit to molesting.

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I have never lost faith in God, only in men. . . the person who molested me and the husband who abused me are in such good spiritual standing they will no longer deal with me as an apostate.

ï¿½

Pedophilia and sexual abuse must be addressed to the satisfaction of the innocent victims.

ï¿½

Before the committee case I had absolute trust that the truth would come out, that the offender (her uncle a Ministerial Servant) would admit his guilt, and that all would be resolved. What actually happened was the complete opposite. He denied everything, my daughter told she had misinterpreted the events and because she hadn't come forward when these events first happened she was the one at fault. Because the offender cried in the committee case and said his prayers weren't being hindered, this was looked on as proof of his innocence. As a family we were told not to discuss the case with anyone.

When I mentioned to my parents my concern over fact that this man still had access to children and that I was aware that one other child was experiencing difficulties (bed-wetting and holding onto her feces) we were asked to meet with the father of this child. He was an elder in the offender's congregation. We voiced our concerns to him. Next thing that happened he rang to ask us to meet with him and two other elders (a committee meeting) to answer the charge of slander. We didn't go, and it was all quietly dropped. We were so fearful of disfellowshipping that we stayed quiet.

ï¿½

My sister's step son was sexually abused by a male babysitter, (a JW), their first action was to go to the Elders, who discouraged them from going to the police and even telling their families.

ï¿½

I was abused by my "servant" father when I was a teenager. I did not tell anyone because I was so fearful of the "servants" in the congregation. I know in my heart that if I had gone to any of them they would have believed my father and not me. I found out later that he had also molested my sister, niece and one of my daughters. In my era this was not something that one even mentioned let alone accuse someone of doing. We were "silent lambs".

ï¿½

While the incidents occurred 40 years ago, the after effects still linger with me.

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When I served at Bethel; there was the case of two Bethelites who were fooling around with teen boys in their congregation. They were kicked out of Bethel and I don't know what actions their congregation took. I did see them both a few years later at an assembly in Louisville so I knew they were still in the org.

ï¿½

I asked her what she meant, she answered that this wasn't the first time her daughter had been victimized and that the person who molested her before was in our congregation. I asked if it happened before the person had become part of the congregation. She said no, that the person was very much a part of the congregation and that the elders had done nothing when she reported the abuse. I asked her who it was and she said she couldn't tell me because that would be slander. (!!!!)

I mentioned this to another mother who reported that her three year old had been violated by a pioneer from a neighboring congregation and that was why they had come to ours. (!!!) In the next congregation I belonged to I discovered that one of the elders wives had been molested by her father and grandfather who were both elders and were STILL elders to this day. She also told me her daughter had been molested by a member of the congregation! NONE of these people EVER had any disciplinary action whatsoever taken against them. The victims were told to be quiet or face discipline themselves. It made me sick.

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I talked to my son about the whole thing and he wants me to send out his story. Inside he is still mad about everything, even though he was only three, he remembers it all.

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I know for my own case I went to Bethel to find out what happened to my perpetrator. They told me it was none of my business. In Fact a CO told me, if I knew what happened to him I would be out of the organization. I was told by the man in bethel not even to talk to psychotherapists because it would harm Jehovah's Name. Only the elders who could not even handle or believe the subject themselves.

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I have a daughter that was continually exposed to a molester, but never molested. No family member told us, and no elder told us. Now this person is remarried, lives with a young stepdaughter, and is in good standing with the congregation. He goes to book studies, and out in field service. Since he recently moved, the congregation rank and file doesn't know his history, even how many times he has been disfellowshipped. I hope he is not in your congregation.

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I read the post of your letter on H20 concerning the WT policies which enable pedophile Witnesses to carry in the congregations. I too have seen how these organizational rules allow perverts to secretly carry on while enjoying the good graces of unsuspecting ones.

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I am one of the victims of an elder who confessed to molesting my sister and nieces and physically abused me and who is still an elder. All of his activities were hushed up.

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It was 4 years ago my son came forward with this, after almost 7 years of molestation by a sister in the hall. She was our babysitter very regularly and lives right around the block from us. Of course she denied it. And because there was not "Two" witnesses, there was nothing they could do. Told us not to speak of it as it would be slander and we trusted that it was what was right.

ï¿½

Her husband tried to kill her and her 17 year old daughter a week ago. Come to find out he has been abusing his step daughter for Ten years. He is a elder in his church.

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Their BEST FRIEND has been put in jail for molesting his step daughter in 1989. My folks are standing by him...bought his car to give him money....

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My family is inactive, not disfellowshipped. However, the molester that has preyed on our family is active and in good standing, now in the xxxxxx area. He has molested many children.

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My young daughter had suffered the same fate.

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I am a victim myself, plus my daughter at the age of 4 was molested by a 13 year old boy.

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A former elder from xxxxx county, xx is being held in xxxx county jail on incest chargers . His name is xxxx. He has been abusing his step daughter since she was seven years old. He took her out of school when she was in 2nd grade. She is no longer a witness.

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I have a friend who is still suffering terribly due to being sexually abused. Her molester still attends meetings, goes out door to door and has his little grandchildren sit with him during meetings.

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My granddaughter (4 years old) has reported to her father that her step-father (who is a JW), has molested her.

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I was molested by my elder & PO for approximately 9 months when I was 15 years old. The elders told me NOT to tell the police or anyone else or I would be immediately disfellowshipped.

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I have known MANY young girls who were molested in some way while growing up as a JW. I can probably name you at least 5 off the top of my head. I have known, been a close friend and "studied" with of many young women associated with the JW org were subject to living in households with fathers who had molested them.

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I was brought before a committee at the age of 7, along with my older sister, and another cousin who was younger than me who was also abused by the same boy. There were repeated hearings.. a few times it was just me and a few elders, where they asked for every conceivable detail. The last hearing was AT THE MOLESTER"S HOUSE, in the very room where the abuse started, with me sitting opposite the "adult" who had told me that if I ever told he would kill me. The elders did not so much as reprove the boy. I was told that I had been foolishly following the example of my father (, recently disfellowshipped, sitting there silently with his head in his hands), and that I had seduced the [abuser]. They said I was so cute, who could blame him for liking me? I was told that I would have to work very hard to win back Jehovah's love.

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xxxx was raised a JW for 16 years, molested by her step-grandfather, disfellowshipped at 16. He was a JW, elders did nothing. She says many others in congregation besides her were molested, including xxxxx's siblings.

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While serving as an elder, I was involved in many meetings where a highly respected elder in our Kingdom Hall was involved in sexually molesting several young girls, including his own daughter. This matter was turned over to the authorities over the objections of the circuit overseer. As a result of my knowledge of the situation, I received a subpoena to testify before the grand jury. Since this is a legal document, I was legally required to appear. Of course I was more than willing to see justice carried out, so I appeared and related what I knew about the case.

At the time I testified, I had just stepped down as an elder. A few days later I was called into the "back room" by the other elders. Now I was on the other side so to speak. The elders wanted to know why I had testified since they had been contacted by Brooklyn and informed that they wanted to speak with me first to advise me what to do. I informed the elders that a subpoena was not a matter of choice. They call, you go, that's final. At this point, it became clear to me that the governing body saw themselves above the law.

...about 3 years ago, a "brother" in XXXX XXXXX XXXX cong. was actually exposed in the newspaper for sexually assaulting a young 10 or 13 yr old I think, sister, who went round to his house to study...the rotten thing is ...I used to regard this #$@% as a friend....to the point of visiting him with my family, including my 7 yr old daughter.

...his name is XXXXXXXX. He is disabled and used to live in XXXX, XXXXXXXX...he is dangerous! I do not know if he was disfellowshipped, resigned, or just left but I hope he rots.

May I just say one more thing...I don't know all the circumstances involved...but,

I HOPE YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE...NO MATTER HOW SMALL...

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

After reading all the posts regarding the letter from my sister ... I am getting up the courage to give the name of my ex husband and the congregation where this happened and the congregation he is attending now, in Queens, N.Y. One of you said "prevention" and that word smacked me in my face!! Right now my ex is remarried and has a little girl around three years old (my daughter had a flashback of when she was around four) I know I have been afraid to give his name and the story to the press due to fear of being df'd. But I now realize that being silent can never protect this little girl. I've been told it's not up to me, it's her mothers responsibility, NO it's all of our responsibility, if we have proof that this child is living with a child molester. I am not worried about being sued for slander, because it is the truth and he confessed to it. I just have to take baby steps, posting on H20 was my first step, then the letter from my sister, soon I will post the letter from my daughter to the elders and her abuser. I can feel my courage building, thanks to all of you...

XXXXX is a victim in that she feels that she needs my parents to help support her. These two people have no voice. They are scared little lambs. What I want to know, is there a way to do this SILENTLY...not expose the victims? No names, just real case scenarios...

I also know of a friend whose son was molested when he was about 10. That was 12 years ago. He has subsequently left the truth.

Although I live the other side the world I would still like to do something about exposing child predators. Being a former witness and having gone through abuse at the hands of a "ministerial servant" I would like to know what I can legally do about exposing this man. He has continued to abuse and something must be done to stop this man.

I met a brother from the kingdom hall. He was 23. I was 16. He would get drunk and do things with me. I let him do it because I "loved" him and thought he loved me. Later I found out he used me.

"Janna was raised a JW for 16 years, molested by her step-grandfather, disfellowshipped at 16. He was a JW. Elders did nothing. She says many others in congregation besides her were molested, including Janna's siblings.

What I mean by this is when my mom was told what had occurred, her remark was that I was making it up. No action was taken or questions asked. At the age of 5,I was left feeling alone and unprotected and not to mentioned scared.

My Ex-husband molested my younger sister when she was the age of nine. (she is now in her early thirties). This went on secretly for many years. I had no clue. I finally SAW things that were not supposed to be, and I abided by the rules and informed the Elders.

I was the one who was ousted, and it was because I "told."

It has been TWELVE years now, and FINALLY the truth has been revealed. The heartbreaking thing about my story is that at the time that I "told," I had a beautiful three year old daughter. With all the support and the legal department of the WT, I stood no chance, and my little one was ripped out from my loving protective arms and handed over to a pedophile.

The pedophile, went on to appear to succeed, he had much support from the Organization, he even grew in his spirituality and was given the title of Elder! Meanwhile, I was outcast, my own family, disowned me and said that I was the one in the wrong, and they even stood by him! It was not until my "secret" was revealed by an innocent party, did the truth finally come out. My little sister is now in her early 30's, she is emotional about the whole thing, because she KNEW at the time that they took my little one and gave her to her father, that they were handing a little lamb to a PEDOPHILE!

She still lives in fear of being outcast, and risks the hurt all over again, if she ever does speak out. Sad to say, she remains a victim. I feel I can SPEAK OUT for her. What was done to her was not right, it was covered up by the Elders, and when she did attempt to get closure, she was told that she lied. Ironically, she is still a member of that Organization. On the brighter side, I can't help what was done, I was totally in the dark at the time that it was all happening, and I now have custody of my beautiful daughter, who is now 15 years old.

People... I cried for help for twelve years... I was a SILENTLAMB, because once they disfellowship you, you are then labeled as unclean and unfit for God's Organization... You are then cut off and no one will hear you because you are now what they label as an Apostate!

I never dreamed I would get the chance to VOICE this horrific problem. Sometimes one just has to wait in order to get the right help... I believe now that light is shown on this, the WT Organization will have no other choice but to show it's TRUE COLORS...if they are about God and truth, then they will change their crazy policies...if they are just another religious affiliation that keeps [followers] in fear to keep the contributions coming, then maybe God will have mercy on their "Blind leading the blind" efforts.

You know what hurt children grow up to be? Hurt adults...and by that time, not too many people understand that the reason they hurt as adults, is because they were hurt as children...

I, for one, will not rest until the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society comes forward and explains the TRUTH, that justice will be done, and from this point on, at any time a person is accused of molesting anyone, and especially a child, then the authorities MUST BE NOTIFIED, and it MUST BE HANDLED BY THE AUTHORITIES, AND NOT BY THE WATCHTOWER SOCIETY.

Time to wake up!! This is a real problem, and no person has the right to hurt children. To have an Organization stand behind one who hurts children is even SICKER!

I was at my midnight hour with this...So, NEVER give up, anyone who is hurting because of abuse, DON'T GIVE UP..Get help! You are not alone!

I was raised third generation in the WTBS. My father developed schizo-affective disorder before I was born. He was extremely paranoid, had a larger than normal J-W persecution complex, and decided he was of the anointed the year I got baptized (at age 12) because he was competing with me in his own warped way.

Before age 12 I was molested on a daily basis. It was done in a ritualistic way, ending in prayer and sometimes having my toys burned for demonism. Always I was the one who 'called the demons' and caused my father to do these things. I was told to stay quiet and my sister would escape the same fate. ...what I did not know until years later was that he was abusing her also and telling her that she should be quiet and obedient like me!

She grew up hating me because she thought I was cooperating with him! I thought I was protecting her. Once I sat in the living room and my mother was in her chair reading a romance novel, while my sister was in the locked bedroom with dad, screaming her head off.

My mother said simply, "if she would just cooperate she would get it over with..." yet my mother denies ever having any knowledge of the abuse. My father was finally disfellowshipped when he ran off with another woman, but he has been reinstated since. In fact he now qualifies his subsequent remarriage to the woman he committed adultery with by claiming my mother and her best friend of 50 years are lesbians!

It is a sick claim. One of his stepsons killed himself and the other one is gay. His wife has never 'come into the truth', yet he is still in good standing and partakes every Memorial. My mother is an old woman now, he devastated her, destroyed her. My sister is also schizo-affective.

I walked away from WTBS, never did anything to be disfellowshipped for ... I was a regular pioneer for 15 years when I walked away. The last year I was 'in' I saw 2 suicides and one murder (my good friend was beaten by her husband and she had an unknown heart condition-she died within 6 months of the last severe beating, never seeing her 3 babies again because the elders condemned her for leaving him and he kept the children with their blessing...)

In my 34 years I saw everything there was to see. I sat on Freddie Franz's lap as a child... I did my piano lessons on the Bethel piano, I served as a Pioneer from Georgia to California to Idaho to Vermont... I knew the Governing Body members personally. My conscience was saturated. I had to walk away or die myself. I spent 6 years in therapy-secretly-when I was still 'in'.

It was not any outside influence that took me out, it was WTBS who took me out. They did it themselves. Now the 'love' I had is replaced with a hate just as strong. I hate what is bad. It is hard not to be bitter.

I would like to briefly summarize my experience as a victim of molestation as a child. The difference from other molested victims is that it happened to me as one of Jehovah's Witnesses(JW). Most of the rapes/molestations occurred by a Jehovah's Witness elder who incidentally also happened to be my father's good and trusted friend. The sexual assaults started at age four and continued until I was eleven. The perpetrator is presently a JW in "good standing" which means he is accepted by JW's and he can preach from door-to-door without hindrance.

Not so long ago, I attempted to resolve this situation in accordance to JW policy, which meant approaching JW elders who would exercise justice and fairness as outlined in the Bible. Instead, these group of men did everything they could in order to cover-up and dismiss the serious crimes against me. It became apparent to me that these Watchtower representatives were only interested in protecting the organization and cared little about my individual circumstance. This came to a head when one elder told me, "never repeat what happened to you (the numerous molestations), or you will be disfellowshipped (excommunicated)."

I am now relieved that I did not maintain silence and went to law enforcement officials so that these sex crimes would be made known and would cease. I finally at the age of 19 related these sex crimes a peace officer who also happened to be one of JWs. I had come to "my wits end," in that another JW elder had molested me from age twelve to sixteen. This is what prompted me to divulge to proper authorities what was occurring to me in the present and what had happened to me in my childhood. Little did I realize how calculated the organization would be in encapsulating and deflecting the responsibility in this matter. In one judicial meeting, I was appalled because my parents were verbally attacked and later ostracized for not going along with the "code of silence" adhered to among JWs.

Meanwhile, the child molester, for months continued to evangelize, preach from the platform at the Kingdom Hall, and enjoy "special privileges" as an ordained JW minister. Finally, in 1998 he was forced to appear before a jury in a superior court to answer for his crimes. That jury unanimously convicted him on two counts of child rape and two counts of child molestation. This trial could have been avoided if he had truthfully confessed to his crimes against me and accepted the plea bargain offered to him by the state. However, the pedophile hired a private attorney and lost; he was convicted and later sentenced to eleven and a half years to State Prison. Interestingly, by the time he was sentenced he was reinstated as a JW member in good standing so that he could escort his daughter at her wedding in a Kingdom Hall of JW (a privilege reserved for approved JW's). At the trial, the pedophile's side of the courtroom was filled with JW's who were in support of him. On my side, only three sat. During this time period, two other JW victims came forward, but it would be ineffectual as far as the trial was concerned because of the statutes of limitations pertaining to them. At the sentencing three elders stood up to plead for mercy in his behalf along with nine other fellow witnesses. The judge just shook his head in disgust. When the judge sentenced him to eleven and a half years, a pioneer sister yelled slut and whore at me across the courtroom. I have to wonder what part of the "spiritual paradise" I was experiencing at this point.

Sadly this is not the end of it, recently, the pedophile was prematurely released from state prison due to a technicality; a technicality favors a new trial. This is not because there was insufficient evidence, but that jury selection was tampered with. (My case is not the only one up for retrial, but many others in that time frame.) This means I now have to go back through my entire testimony all over again. To go through this ordeal again is extremely traumatic for me. But if this prevents him from continuing his pattern of sexual abuse, it is all worth it. If any of this that I have related seems embellished, please access court transcripts that will verify my account in xxxx County Superior Court in xxxxxxx. My hope is that another JW involved in a similar situation will find my experience helpful and a stepping stone to do whatever is in their power for true justice.

My sister has given me permission to post this letter that she wrote and gave to the elders, exposing her sexual abuser.

"To the elders of the Kingdom Hall, I have asked my sister_____to pass this letter on to you for me. I know that my sister has told you the story regarding my brother-in-law___but I would like to tell you personally since I do not know what (my bro. in law) has said to you since he is a manipulative person and liar. For many years beginning at approx. age 8-that I can remember, my bro. in law molested me. I was very close to my sister and slept over her house almost every weekend. I would wake at night to find my bro. in law standing over me in the bed. He would tell me that he was covering me or that I had a bad dream and that he came in because I was talking in my sleep.

This went on for a while until one night I woke up and he had his hand under my nightshirt. He had gotten nervous and said he was covering me. When I realized what was going on I would wrap myself in my covers while I slept there and never fully fall asleep. When he would come near me I would yawn or turn over or something to let him know I wasn't in a deep sleep and he would go into his room.

I never wanted to tell (my sister) because I was afraid too, I loved her so much that I couldn't believe my own bro. in law could be doing this to me. There were so many occasions that he touched me during the night and I would wake up. During this time of abuse I was having very bad nightmares because of this and my parents did not know why. They spent thousands of dollars bringing me to doctors and psychiatrists to find out why I was having nightmares and excruciating headaches at such a young age. I even had a brain scan because the doctor thought I may have had a brain tumor.

Through all of this I never told anyone including "The best" psychiatrists about what was wrong. I blocked it all out and suffered in silence. My brother in law is a typical child molester, very manipulating, almost putting you under a trance, buying gifts, etc. Many years later my niece______ran away and came to live with me and my family. She was almost 18years old at the time. (my bro in law) came pounding on my door cursing and screaming that she was to come home.

(My niece) locked herself in my bedroom. My husband made (my bro. in law) leave our house because she broke down and told me that (my bro. in law) had been molesting her since she was a little girl and she wasn't going to take it anymore. Everything she described to me was what I had went through. We cried together for hours. Even now when we get together we talk about what happened to us. There have been many long tearful nights between us. We can talk to each other better than anyone else because we lived the same life and have many-all of the same problems today. So called after-effects. We both feel that the boys were molested........ I have been through it so I know its possible not to tell anyone.

Because of him (my bro in law) I had brain scans, x-rays, electrodes attached to my head and many different medications. My poor dad spent so much money because of him and both my parents suffered with worry and fear. Also because of him my three little girls never got to their Aunt, because I wouldn't let them sleep over my sisters house. (my sister) didn't know at the time so I would continually make up excuses of why they couldn't stay there. I believe with all my heart that if given the opportunity he would have molested my children. For years I put up with self righteous preaching all the while thinking how could you (my bro. in law) preach to me you filthy child molester!

He used to tell me that I wouldn't go to Paradise because I wasn't a witness! Imagine God letting him go and not me! My God would never do that. He has nerve going door to door. That alone proves that he is a sick man. He has no shame what so ever. He should never be allowed to spread the "good news" because he is a filthy pig with no morals. He doesn't deserve to hold a Bile in his hands. He had ruined many lives worst of all his own children.

Sincerely ------ ----- (I also have a letter to the elders from my daughter--but even with these two separate victims their sexual abuser, a MS, was never disfellowshipped)

When my sister's story was uncovered...one of the Elders in the Congregation stated to her..."What is the big deal? It's not like you were raped or anything!" That statement, only added MORE hurt to a child that is already hurting too much...

L.L.

As a child I was also molested by a close blood relative so I can relate. The org doesn't really care about us. I have since left the org. I still have a friend in the "truth" who has told the elders about how her father and brother molested her and the brothers didn't do a thing but ask him if it was true. As soon as this molester told them no, they just ended it there. What a disgrace!!! He continues as a brother in good standing. There are two different set of rules in the org. All I know is that when it come to something like this it is swept under the rug and that is the truth!!!!!!!!!

I was a witness for six years. At the last congregation I was in, I was very excited to meet a family whom I thought would be such "good association" for my children. My kids would sleep over at their house and vise versa. Anyways, one day their daughter spent the night at my house. The next few days my daughter (the same age) acted really strange but I didn't think anything about it. Then a few weeks passed and she came to me (she was 9 years old) and cried, "Mommy, I think I'm pregnant!" I couldn't believe my ears. I said, "How can you be pregnant when you're only nine?" She said, "Mommy XXX (the other nine year old girl) got me pregnant! I said, "A girl cannot get a girl pregnant." She said, "Look at my tummy - it's getting bigger!" So I sat her down and asked her to tell me what was making her think this. She told me that the other little girl was kissing her with her tongue when she spent the night.

When I probed further, she said the little girl had fondled her vaginal area as well and tried to stick her finger in her vagina. I was appalled. Immediately, I was angry at the little girl and addressed it with her parents. But the parents acted really weird and said it was just "kids playing around." I said, "No! She had to learn this from somebody!" They wouldn't address it so I went to the elders. I said, "My little girl was violated by XXX. The parents refuse to address it. I believe they are afraid that somebody might discover something about their daughter. What I want to know is 'HOW DID SHE LEARN TO DO WHAT SHE WAS DOING TO MY DAUGHTER?" I said, "I believe she may be being molested." The elder stopped me cold. He said to me, "NEVER EVER EVER SAY THE WORD 'MOLESTED' IN A KINGDOM HALL ABOUT ANY WITNESS - EVER!"

For weeks I pressed the elders to get to the bottom of it. They NEVER DID A THING! They told me they asked the father and he told them his daughter had learned it by "watching videos on MTV." The elders bought this lame excuse. They NEVER investigated it further. As a mother, I know in my heart of hearts that they were HIDING something. I KNOW IT!

The elders counseled me to drop it and they told me that I was to blame because I should have told my nine year old daughter a long time ago how babies were made. It disgusts me to even think about it!

I was raised a JW. When I was 14 I was raped by my stepbrother. My mother and stepfather said it was my fault. He did get df'd, but was reinstated. I left the WT 16 yrs ago. I was df'd. I cannot see my family now. But this man gets to be apart of the family. They even go on vacation together. And since they did not turn this man in to the law he went on to molest my 11 year sister. But since has gotten reinstated for the second time.

I was raised one of Jehovah's Witnesses. My father plays a leading role in the congregation. I personally believed the doctrines and was a zealous preacher. I had ambitions and goals to spend my life serving God as a JW. Around the age of 20 I took a small college coarse and began employment as a Nurse Assistant. I began living with another family within the church as I was having conflict with my step-mom at home. This new family was newly converted to the JW faith so I would give them assistance when studying the Bible and I also aided with the care of their 2 young children. However shocking abuse began erupting in the household. I reported numerous incidence to the congregation elders and also to my father who was part of a different congregation now. The response was difficult to bear. I was instructed not to go to the police. They read me scriptures from the Bible and told me that God wanted me to Forgive these Mistakes. Though the abuser didn't express remorse I followed the direction I was given. The abuse continued. Also at that time I began rendering aid to and elderly member of the congregation who was diagnosed as having Alzheimer's. I assisted greatly with his care for about 3 years-till his death.

Many in the congregation expressed appreciation for the work I was doing for this man and I received a lot of support and made a lot of friends. Despite the church's backing, I was still having difficulty over the fact the abusive situation was not being dealt with. It troubled me, and I voiced my concerns a few times to the leaders privately. They acted helpless. The abuse escalated to the point I sincerely felt my life was in jeopardy, so I moved to live with an elderly woman who was a JW. She was a very kind 90 year old. I assisted her around the house while nurses attended to her personal care. We became good friends and she could trust me with her belongings. As a result of my work with the elderly members of the church, I received a lot of backing. However, because I still was raising concerns over the abuse I had escaped from, the elders began to view me as a threat. Because I could not keep quiet I was disfellowshipped from the Organization. The leaders began to spread gross lies about me. The organization began to "shun" me as I was now condemned -and must therefore be "hated" as I am now an enemy of Jehovah God. The leaders told the elderly woman I was living with to no longer pray with me, in fact that she should kick me out of the house if she were to remain in good standing with the church. She thought the whole situation was "crazy" and said she would continue to speak with me.

My parents provided no support to me whatsoever. In fact they took the side of the church leaders and sought out to obtain a police restraining order preventing me from attending the Church and their place of residence. They told the police that I was emotionally disturbed and that I had been making death threats to members of the church. And after they told ME not to go to the police. The wife of the elderly man I was assisting with care wanted me to continue, despite the fact I was now disfellowshipped and technically she could be kicked out for just talking to me. I moved out of the house of the elderly woman, so as not to make complications for her. But because the church was neglecting her, on a few occasions she had to phone me to make her a meal. These occurrences made an impression on me and I began doubting for the first time that this was God's true Organization of Love

I am asking for your assistance in making this public. Are you able to put this into the hands of someone who can help? Innocent blood cries out for justice. This organization needs to accept responsibility for it's actions. There are a lot of hurting people-x-members-and families that have been smashed to pieces by this Organization. This is a legitimate case. Documentation and eyewitnesses can be provided. This case is real and strong enough that if it went public it could silence the boastful claims of Jehovah's Witness members.

I am 32 years of age. I suffered sexual molestation at the hands of my step-father from age 4 to age 14. I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness. I have been living in fear, pain and sadness for 15 years, afraid to tell my story, afraid to go up against that religion, afraid that no one would believe my story. Only now after realizing the enormity of the problem and the fact that I am not alone do I have the courage and strength to face this. I am married, with 2 children, have a college degree, and though I live a "normal" life now, I am still haunted by the ghosts of being molested as a child. I still cannot process how a religion that claims to stand for God can allow these atrocities to go on and cover them up. My story begins in ---------congregation at the age of 4. At the time there were two Kingdom Halls, North and South. I attended the South Hall. I was sexually, mentally and physically abused by my step-father until I finally about had a mental breakdown at the age of 14. During the abuse, (yes my mother knew) my parents told the elders that I had emotional and discipline problems, they used the elders to constantly "counsel me" or more like scare me into submission by saying this is what Jehovah wants. my parents told the elders that I would make up stories, lie and other things to try and make them look bad. I now know they were trying to destroy my credibility in case I ever told of the abuse.

I finally confronted my mother about being molested by my step father, she told me that I should feel sorry for my step father because he had a bad childhood and didn't mean to do those things. She told me that Jehovah wanted me to forgive him and go on. When this was finally brought to the attention to the body of elders with my step father admitting to doing something improper, I to was counseled by the elders there were 3 or 4 of them and I was by myself. They told me that I would bring reproach on Jehovah and the congregation if I did not get a grip on my emotions and forgive my step father. They told me that if I continued to "act out or show anger" they would disfellowship me. When I asked what they were going to do to my step father, they said "he has repented of his sins and has ask Jehovah for forgiveness and now we must do the same, forgive him and go on" Shortly thereafter an announcement was read to the congregation that he had been reproved but no one was told the reason why. Due to the abuse, I tried to kill myself several times as a child, in order to elicit support from the elders and the congregation my parents used this to say what a troubled problem child I was and they just didn't know what to do with me. They would then ask everyone to please pray that Jehovah would help them deal with me, unfortunately they failed to mention the reason for my problems.

I could not talk to anyone outside the organization. The "outside world" was off limits, they were pagan and would fill my head with pagan things. Once I ran away to a friends house (a non JW) they called her parents and told them that I had mental problems and not to listen to me, my stepdad came and took me home and locked me in my room for days. To this day 15 years later, my mother stills says "oh my you are just over-reacting it wasn't like that". My stepdad has admitted to my two sisters that the sexual abuse took place however we were not allowed to tell my brother.

This organization has a problem that needs to be exposed to everyone everywhere for what is taking place.....people need to know what they are getting into and the people like my family who are still there need to realize something is wrong, and the child molesters need to pay for what they have done to all these children... I know that "vengeance is the Lord's" but the Lord doesn't want these abuses against children to continue and He does not expect me not to be repaid with something for my childhood being ripped away from me. I have got to do something. I feel guilty about holding it in this lon g.... I thought I was the only one.....so for all the victims that followed me I'm sorry I should have done something. I was and still am scared, but I'm willing to go the distance to expose the real truth of the pain that exists within this organization.

I was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness in a small fishing town in southern Alaska. When I was 6 years old a little boy a bit younger than me was killed by falling down and hitting his head on a rock, at least this is what everyone was told.

A couple of years ago I had the realization that he had not fallen down and hit his head, his stepfather had killed him. After his death, I often went over to the family's house and spent the night. I remember that the children were very abused. The stepfather made his two stepchildren take care of his entire farm. The whole congregation knew of this and did nothing about it. I remember the stepfather often making sexual comments to the daughter and also to me when I was between 10-11 yrs old.

I also learned many sexual things from other children in the congregation starting at 4 yrs of age. The only way that these children could have known such things at so young of an age is if someone had taught them. I had sexual experiences with three different girls in my congregation between the ages of 4-8. Where did these girls learn such sexually explicit things? This was not normal childhood experimentation.

I talked to my father about my realization that the boy had been murdered by his stepfather. He told me that he knew he had. In fact the boy's family knew he had been murdered. The older brother actually witnessed the murder. I asked him why didn't anyone do anything and he didn't have an answer.

She was a fine sister with a history that went back six generations with Jehovah's Witnesses. Her family boasted well over 100 JW family members, many of which had high station within the Organization. This proud heritage was marred by another fact in the family's history this sister had not disclosed. She was a part of the fourth generation in her family to be molested by her great grandfather. After living many years in fear, when she turned fifteen she finally summoned the courage to do something about it. As any Jehovah's Witness knows the only option is to ask direction from the Body Of Elders. She told her father first and then later the elders, everything, a sordid story of molestation that went on for several years. Several other members of the family came forward with their accounts of being molested by this same man who was now in his nineties.

What would the elders do? Would they protect the flock? Would they move quickly to expose this horror to the authorities to bring this lifetime of sick deviancy to justice? What loving assistance would be given to the victims of child molestation?

In the end the answers to these questions were so wrong and so disgusting, its bears repeating to let the public know what kind of "justice" will often be extended to victims of molestation within Jehovah's Witnesses. The events proceeded as follows:

The sexual deviate was asked, "Did you do it?" To which he replied, "No." He was then free to go. The victims who were interviewed by an investigative two elders who asked the victims, "Did you have a witness to the event of molestation?" To which they replied, "No." As is common in most cases of child molestation other people are generally not asked to watch. The Body Of Elders then basically told the victims, "According to the Biblical principle found at Mt. 18:16, since you do not have "two witnesses" to each event, we do not have a basis to act judicially. It is basically your word against his and as a result, you must view him as an innocent man. In the event you choose to discuss this with anyone, it could be considered slander of the "good" name of this man resulting in possible disfellowshipment from the congregation. Finally, not one word was mentioned regarding the right to report the matter to the authorities. Our sister, who had the great courage to come forward and expose the deviate, was informed that the elders wanted to meet with her. When she arrived for the meeting it was found the elders believed what she had stated to be true.

How did she know? A Judicial Committee had been set up to deal with the facts she had "confessed" to. Though she was a child at the time, she was charged with sexual misconduct and reproved by the Judicial Committee. In addition, she was placed on full restrictions, which in turn would make a statement to the congregation that she had been dealt with by a Judicial Committee. This statement would imply to all her friends and family that she had done something to break God's law. Our sister was reproved for being molested and to add insult to injury she was not allowed to discuss the matter with anyone in the congregation to protect the "good" reputation of the pedophile. How many children this man molested in his ninety some odd years will never be actually known. Those who know of the matter suggest an estimate of at least 50-100 victims. When great grandfather passed away, it is interesting to note he died as a patriarch among the Witnesses, with over 300 attending his funeral and mourning this fine example in Christian living. He was never reported to the police, protected by the elders and his victims live as silentlambs, terrorized by the sanctions of misguided men who use Watchtower Policy to help criminals to escape justice.

Our sister, is still a sister, she no longer attends meetings or serves as an active member of Jehovah's Witnesses. Her reasons are simple. You see she now has a child and wishes to never allow her child to be exposed to an Organization that protects and hides the identity of child molesters from its members. To protect her child from being molested she feels she is far safer being outside of the Organization.

Can you blame Her? So sad a story, yet one that has been repeated hundreds of times by elders who use Watchtower Policy to hurt children while protecting the "image" of Jehovah's Witnesses.

TB told to silentlambs

As a lifelong, fourth generation Jehovah's Witness, I have no direct, personal knowledge of any incident of child molestation with the organization. However, I personally have been given warnings on two separate occasions by two different elders. In one instance, my wife's brother, an elder who had sat on many judicial committees and appeals committees, advised my wife and me never to trust ANYONE, even a witness in good standing or a witness family member, to EVER be alone with either of our two small children.

On another occasion, my brother, who is an elder, learned that our teenage daughter was spending the night with a witness friend of hers whose grandparents lived in the same home. He informed my wife and me that the friend's grandfather, himself a longtime elder, was a pedophile. If not for the previous advice and the fact that this comment came from my own fleshly brother whom I trust completely, I would have been doubtful of the information. File this entry under "For What It's Worth," please.

For six years I was in relationship with a young woman who was sexually abused in a satanic ritual manner by a married couple who were Jehovah's Witnesses special pioneers. This abuse took place while she was between the ages of 8 and 14. The abuse was so severe that she developed multiple personality disorder. She had as many as 110 alternate personalities, and it took over 12 years of therapy to put her back together. She almost died on more than one occasion when a suicidal alternate personality tried to end their suffering.

At the time this abuse was taking place, the elders of the congregation - untrained in any way to spot child or spousal abuse - spent their time harassing the young people in the congregation about the "evils" of going to a local roller skating rink. And all this while, this helpless little girl was being forced into full sexual relations with a grown man and woman, special pioneers of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

I am not a Jehovah Witnesses and I am not even real sure how I got to your website. But I was reading the messages that were posted. I could not believe what I was reading!!! I don't know a thing about this religion, but am just floored and nothing happening to these people who are doing this abusing. It is against the LAW for anyone to sexual abuse people especially children!

I can understand not changing religions, but we as humans have the RIGHT to protect our children. When you find out about sexual abuse or any abuse for that matter it should be taken to the police! Whether you are a JW or, Baptist, or Jew! These children and adults who have been victimized need to be protected and need counseling and the elders or whoever are doing the abusing needs to be stood in front of a judge and prosecuted. I fight for the right of the victims!

The story I am about to tell is not current enough, nor profound enough to be worthy of consideration in your media endeavors. I do think, however, that it adds weight to the accumulation of material proving the negligence of The Society in matters of protecting the congregations from predators. The story spans some 20 years.

When I was a youth, growing up in S, Washington, my mother learned about Jehovah's Witnesses from our neighbor. She was immediately drawn to the faith because of what she understood from independent reading of the scriptures and their strict adherence to the Bible. One of the first families we were introduced to as fledgling members was Brother M and his wife. My mother learned early on - and to her credit shared with my sister and myself - some disturbing information about Brother M's past. When he married Sister M, she already had two young daughters. The younger of the two was only 14 when he began molesting her and she became pregnant. For this conduct, Brother M was disfellowshipped, although he was never turned over to the authorities. This would have been the early 1960's and I'm not sure how strictly such matters were pursued during that time. The child resulting from the crime was given up for adoption and the young girl left home to be married at age 17.

By the time my sister and I met Brother M and his wife, he had be reinstated and they had a daughter together who was the age of my older sister. Sister M was very hospitable and often hosted gatherings at her home. We were eager to attend, as we had little social life before being introduced into the congregation. Because of my mother's warnings, my sister and I understood we were never to be alone with Brother M when visiting their home, and we were never allowed by stay overnight. Brother M was an accomplished roller-skater, and would often invite the young sisters to skate with him, holding them closely as if in a dance. To the girls in my peer group, it was a joke about not skating with Brother M. We just knew his hands were "roving", as we then called it. At that age, we had no idea how serious it was that the brother continued to fondle young girls.

Before I reached age 18, Brother M and his wife moved suddenly to where "the need was great", somewhere in rural Mississippi. They had not been pioneers, nor did he hold any position of responsibility in the congregation, so their sudden relocation was not exactly routine. I never learned if there was any reason for the move, and do not claim to speculate on it now.

As time passed, I was married and had two daughters. When my children were 8 and 12, Brother M and his wife moved back to my home congregation. They were full of experiences of their time in Mississippi and were often used in meeting and assembly parts to encourage pioneering. After an unusual delay, Brother M was appointed as a Ministerial Servant.

Again, Sister M took on her role of the consummate hostess. By that time, the daughter they had together had married a man 30 years her senior and moved out of the area. The home of Brother and Sister M became a place of frequent social gatherings for young people. They had many attractions, including recreational equipment and a hot tub. Somewhere in the back of my mind I never forgot what my mother told me about his sin, and even though I was compelled to forgive, I was cautious about my children spending time in that home.

My daughters were invited to a sleep over party at the M home. All of their congregation friends were going to be there and they very much wanted to go. They were to bring swim-wear, as it was mid-winter and the hot tub would be put to good use. After talking it over with my husband, we both decided our girls could attend with their friends, but had to come home after the meal was served. They were not to go in the hot-tub and we made some excuse to them and to the hosts of the party about a skin allergy. My daughters were devastated and upset that they were not to be included in the overnight festivities. Although my husband did not understand why I was so firm, I was not to be shaken.

A few days after the party, we began to hear the fallout. Several of our daughters friends' parents began calling us to ask if we "knew anything" about the party. A committee was formed. One night we received a distraught call from one of the parents in the group, asking if we could watch their children for a few hours. They showed up to drop off the kids dressed as if for a meeting. Both had tears in their eyes and could not look at us directly. They explained they had something important to do that they could not share with us. The children were likewise upset, not playing as they usually did. I ended up holding both of them on my lap the entire evening while their parents were away. They clung to me as if I stood between them and death itself. At the next Service Meeting, it was announced that Brother M had been removed as a MS. Nothing was ever said as to the reason. Parents were NOT informed as to what lead to the announcement. No legal action was taken against Brother M. Sister M had a mental breakdown less than a year later. Of the 6 girls involved, 4 were later disfellowshipped for immorality. To this day, I thank God that my mother was open about Brother M's rape of his step-daughter. I shudder to think what might have happened to my own children (or myself) if she had not been so brave.

I applaud your efforts on behalf of children everywhere. My mother would have been proud of you.

Thanks to a friend for putting me onto this site! I was driven away from the Congregations in C and B, WV for reporting a "brother" who had abused over 20 children over many years. The elders convinced everyone to let the elders handle it and it was covered up. This man is still a pedophile and still a respected brother in C, Congregation. My mother is now a "Saint" (JW's consider her a Hero) because when I reported that she had sexually abused me as a child ( prior to her being a witness) and that my children had reported that she had sexually abused them, too. They turned on me and drove me away. I came close to suicide many times and even the Circuit Overseer told me "you're getting exactly what you deserve!" Two and a half years ago I left, I am not disassociated/disfellowshipped ...I just could not be part of it anymore. My heart aches for those still inside and being abused. Thanks for the site.

I just thought I would share some thoughts with you even though I am not a victim of child abuse. I really want to use this opportunity to apologise to those in the congregations who have been abused or molested by other JW members, and who were NOT given the support from ones like me, as I am one who has been guilty of being 'staunch' for Jehovah's organisation.

First of all, I was raised as a JW in NZ. My life and thinking was moulded into being theocratically submissive. At an early age, I married a JW boy, and we raised our family as JW's. Over the years, my husband became incredibly staunch...and he was soon appointed as an elder before he was 30. Being a young elder with a young family, we were given a lot of 'privileges' such as parts at the Circuit and District conventions, we often hosted the Circuit or District Overseers in our home, as well as having the main roles in the drama one year. As a family, we were considered to be a pillar amongst those in the congregation and we were held in high esteem by others.

I remember one year my husband was invited to present the public talk to a neighbouring congregation. We then had lunch with some good friends and we mentioned to our hosts how we were surprised to notice that one of the sisters in the congregation was wearing trousers to the meeting. We knew the sister very well, and we found it odd, and we wondered if she had an injury, as it is not recommended for sisters to wear trousers to the meeting. Our host explained that the sister (who used to be a regular pioneer) had made claims that she had been molested as a child by one of the elders in their congregation, and consequently she had decided to wear trousers. At the time, we were most alarmed to think that she had dared to be so rebellious, and we also questioned her spirituality. We never questioned her credibility and whether or not her accusations were true or false, we just focused on her attitude. Being overly judgmental, as most 'staunch' witnesses are, we criticised her harshly for this behaviour. I also remember how she never failed to attend meetings despite the fact that she was not looked upon favourably by those in 'good standing' in the congregation. To this day, I do not know if she is still attending meetings.

I look back now, and I'm so sad that I had such an attitude. This sister had her story, and she obviously shared it with the elders. And only now can I understand why she felt a need to make a stand the way she did. She chose to be ostracised by wearing trousers...because she felt that wearing trousers was a form of protection....a form of protection which the body of elders could not offer her...wearing trousers was symbolic for her stand against the wrong done to her as a child. YET...we believed that she was being rebellious...she was NOT a faithful sister...rather she was a trouble maker and was obviously 'spiritually weak'.

I now take this opportunity to apologise to that sister and to those out there who have been made to feel ashamed for speaking out...and for those who have been made to feel that they are now in a disapproved state because of their lack of submission to the theocratic arrangement. I was a hypocrite and I am ashamed of this and I apologise.

I am discovering life as a 'worldly' is not all debased. I do not get drunk, and I do not swear, I do not steal from others and I do a hard days work and pay my taxes. I do not look down my nose at other women who wear skirts above the knee....and I no longer smirk at working mothers. I guess I could go on and on listing all the new things I do now that I enjoy without feeling guilty, as well as listing all the shameful things I used to do thinking I had God's approval.

Thank you so much to for this site and I congratulate you and your wife for your stand...speaking out is not easy. I wish you both the very best and hope that others will be helped because of you and the stand you have made.

I was a witness all my life from the age of 21. I am now 38 and no longer part of the organization! One reason I am no longer a Witness is because that I was twice assaulted by a ministerial servant who is now an elder! A married man with children that on both attempts I had fought greatly to stop him! Going to great lengths to get away! He was a trusted friend by my father.......someone to help watch over his family while he was away on a honeymoon with my mom....that they had never had! Thirty years of marriage and the first time they try to go away alone......... my life was changed forever! I have not yet found the courage to tell my father.......but someday wish I could! My assaulter told me if I ever tell, no one would believe me......and he would make sure it looked like it was all me! I felt so badly for his wife and children! I didn't dare speak because I couldn't destroy their family! I have begun to tell my family members! I started with my brother because he told me all about your organization! I am thankful to know I am not alone in this! I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories....because it has made me feel like I too belong here.........because I have been a silentlamb all my life and no longer wish to hide behind the shame!

I have been in the"'organization" for 17 years and I personally know of three child molesters all of which were elders at the time of their being exposed. I personally was sexually assaulted by the Presiding Overseer of a congregation. I say "assaulted" because I was eighteen at the time and old enough and big enough to defend myself and escape from the situation. I told my story to the cong. elders and the "brother" denied it saying that I "must have dreamt the whole thing!" Though I was not a child exactly, my trust in the elders and my faith were truly and severely damaged. I was told that if I said a word to anyone I would be disfellowshipped.

A few years later it was brought to my attention that this man had tried to molest other young men and had molested his own son for years. But it was not until ten years later that this man was disfellowshipped for his gross acts. I know from personal experience that child molesters are getting away with their acts in this organization. My heart goes out to EVERY victim and their families.

I was raised a JW. I was raped by my stepbrother. He was 24 I was 14. My mother and step father was both JWs. They said it was my fault. He raped 2 other children in the congregation. they did disfellowship him. But he was reinstated. Now I can not have any thing to do with my parents. But he gets to go on vacation with them. He is now a Elder in the congregation. He also molested my 11 year old sister. Because they did not turn him in to the law.

I'm 26 was raised as a witness in England , served " were the need is great" in Italy for 9 years and moved back to britain. Molested by a brother( 67years old ex elder )and accused of homosexuality at the age of 12(I hadn't got a clue what it meant let alone how I could have been orchestrating it),by a panel of elders who treated me different from that time on. I had a successful music band supported by brothers and elders alike until we won" battle of the bands" then they moved in split the band and wrote a false letter to the society which they took at face value. The complete fabrication myself and another brother/bandmember proved.The result we were pulled from all priviledges. They keep praising the lord. My only regret is to have made the mistake of believing I was loved, made a difference and pleased God.

I was 2 yrs old living in xxxxxx when the Molestation started This Brother Baby-sat for my Parents while they accompanied his parents to Amway meetings. I was 7 when I moved to a different town and Congregation. At the age of 8 he was helping my Dad do some yard work and he took me aside and said he was sorry that he had done this to me but as a female I should never have been so enticing (like it was MY fault). I was so ashamed that I didn't tell anyone for many years. I was 16 and I had left the organization of my own accord later that year I tried to kill myself. I was in a Social workers office and I was asked the Magic question "have you ever been sexually abused?". I told the worker everything and SHE called the police and my Parents. The rollercoaster ride that went on was one I will never forget though I would like to. My Mom started me in counseling and I am now able to talk about this but it still comes back to haunt me. I am 28 now. The man that did this to me, his name is xxxxx, is still a Witness and an Elder. He was protected all the way through the trial and after.

Through the whole trial (one year) His Wife was by his side then on the last day when they were going to present the Medical Evidence she was not there. He appeared before the judge alone and changed his plea to guilty. No one was there to witness this except my parents and myself who were ostracized already. He was sentenced to 5 years probation (big deal) and mandatory counseling and he was not allowed to come near me or my family during that time. Later that year I found out that his Wife left him BUT the 4 congregations in that area were putting together a youth group and he was heading it. I am still not a witness and when an Elder was confronted as to why my family was treated like this he said "they did not have Faith in Jehovah and in his Good time... this would have been dealt with" My Parents Did have faith in God and they trusted for many Years that "his organization" was there to help their Family get to a Paradise on earth and all they did was Make life a living hell by protecting his Man.

In the early 80s I was dating this girl from the kingdom hall we were both in our mid to late teens one day we went to visit her father ,this girls brother happened to be my best friend at the time well he came along with us, and were at the fathers house watching a movie " Blues Brothers" as she got up to go to the bathroom her father followed her in there, I thought that's strange next thing I heard was a loud whimpering and crying as she ran out of the bathroom I said to her brother what's this, and later she told me that her Dad was coming on to her in the bathroom, all of this while we were in the next room. I will call him Mr x he lived alone separated from Mrs x both jws her stronger in faith than him well this just blew my mind and I will never forget this. Nothing has ever happened to him to my knowledge.

This whole subject has troubled me greatly for some time, and there are many issues that I could speak of.

1. My wife, myself, my 2 sisters - all molested as children by Jehovah's Witnesses.

2. My cousin is claiming that his daughters were molested by his father who is PO and mother.

3. Personal judiciary dealings where the acts were disregarded or covered up.

I know that you are probably bombarded with these issues daily so I will get right to it. The answer to this - its there, way deep down inside, for me it was that feeling that came out whenever I would let all the guards and walls down and have a good cry and ask Jehovah where he was in my life, then usually I would put the walls right back up again - until one day...Like I said before - I've been there.

I have been a Jehovah's Witness for 17 years, and at times I surprise myself, as to why I am still there. You would not believe some of the problems I have had from an Elder .... I am thinking here, that perhaps I shouldn't go any further, but I need to, for myself, no one else would listen.

I tried to get help from my Elder as I was a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse, I am so sad to report, that he made me feel even more of a victim and a liar. I approached him after reading an AWAKE on childhood sexual abuse and the effects it has on one's life, at the time I was also going for professional help. He told a sister in regard to my plea for help, quote "oh, you take care of it, if you want". From then on, he has treated me like 'crap' even ignoring me to this day and this happened 8years ago. I decided to leave that small town on the West coast and moved about 30minutes down the track to another town where I moved into my new congregation, starting to feel a little like I had found my niche in the Organization in he comes, 'whisper, whisper' and suddenly, two of the new Elders have a problem with me. I spent all my life being the victim, carrying that pain and humiliation into my adult life. Finding the truth, I believed finally, that what had happened wasn't my fault, I still believe that it wasn't my fault, but, I could cry at the pain that this rejection and gossip has caused to my inner being and spirituality.

If you ever find the book, 'FROM GARLANDS TO ASH'S' by Sonja Grace, a book on clergy abuse, my story is entitled, 'For all things, I have the strength, by virtue of him who imparts power to me, chapter 16. I needed to be a part of this book, I needed to expel demons of the past, I wrote the title poem, although, an Elder advised me not to be in the book, he was to late, the book was done. When I visit my dying mother in that small town, I feel that I cannot attend the meetings there this Elder has put me through so much.

(a small footnote, I approached him about a 25year old married , pioneer sister, sleeping with my 15year old son, this I saw with my own two eyes.) He accused me of arranging this, because this is what the sister told him, because she was a pioneer and I was just me and I didn't have two or more witness that were actual Jehovah's Witness (apparently, no other witness count) then I was wrong and she was right) by the by, this sister is no longer in the truth. But, the situation at the time was ridicules. It was his way of showing me, he was boss and I was detestable in his eyes.

I am so glad that Jehovah doesn't see me through those eyes. I could go on for hours about the unjustness that goes on, but I don't believe that it is all Jehovah's Witnesses or all JW Elders but, I'm not going to blame myself this time. I still believe in Jehovah, I still respect and am submissive to my Elders, I still love my brothers and sisters, I love the Elder in question, I pray that one day, he will grow to love me.

Here is my experience if you wish to use it. :

When I was a JW I had knowledge of a situation in our congregation, being the best friend of an elder's wife who was on the committee.

An admittedly dysfunctional family joined our congregation. The pioneer studied with them and they all could answer an underlined question or two at the WT study, let's just say they were slow. As time went on it became apparent that one of the teenage daughters was obviously pregnant, so the elders conducted an investigation. To their astonishment they found out the whole family was a hotbed of incest between father and daughters, mother and sons, and even brothers and sisters. They were very concerned about the "reproach on Jehovah's organization".

They didn't want the authorities to get wind of it either as it would reflect badly on the congregation. The solution? They located another (I think) cousin to marry the girl. They then announced at the meeting that she was on "public reproof", but the mistake had culminated in an "honorable marriage". I understand that the young couple then moved in with the same family.

Some solution! Those of us who knew were told to be quiet, or else be DF. I moved shortly after to "serve where the need was greater". I was so used to being loyal to the organization, that even though I left 25 years ago I never shared this story until learning of your outreach to the silentlambs, and thought it might interest you.

This to is something that has touched our family and is something that to happened to my family 13 years ago and the elders did nothing. My brother was molested and then I just found out that he has molested my children. I am very angry and hurt. I too am a baptized member of JW but I am having a very hard time with and really feel as though I need to speak out on this. There are so many little children in the kingdom halls!

I was a witness for all of my life, up until I was 19 or 20 years old. When I was 14 I was repeatedly molested by a ministerial servant with whom I studied the Society's literature for about a year or two. We became great friends and traveled to Europe and Hawaii together. My father is not a witness and my mother is a very zealous one. She consented to and encouraged me to spend time with the molester, although she says that she never knew that he had a history of molestation. My father repeatedly told the molester never to come into our home, mainly because he had an awful feeling about the relationship. When I learned that my fiance had been molested by him, I went and told the elders. They accused me of being a homosexual with a bad agenda! I was sixteen at that time. He was however, removed as a ministerial servant and was reproved. He has since come back into good standing in the congregation and is again hanging around with young children! I recently found out that my young brother-in-law had also been seriously sexually molested by this same man. While the elders continue to refuse to believe him, the District Attorney is taking him to court over it. It's amazing to see a body of people as large as Jehovah's Witnesses burying their heads in the sand over such a disturbing crime.

I was not ever sure to what extent this went on in the organization. But about 12 years ago, in the xxxxxxx congregation, in Southern California, I met a family and was befriended by the two youngest daughters when I started attending that congregation. They were in their early teens at the time and I think they were drawn to me being a newcomer and also because I had a small baby. Anyway, the middle child, 15?, told me one day in service, that her dad had been having sex with her for many years. The oldest daughter had run away and been labeled a trouble maker and she wasn't too sure if the youngest one had been touched yet. I immediately reported this to the local elders who appeared to be alarmed and said that they would handle the situation. They told me that the police were notified and an announcement was made a few months later that he was "disfellowshipped." He never went to jail and I believe that the police were never really called. They told me that I needed to stay out of it for my own good and that the obligation now rested with the P.O. After a year or so, this father was reinstated and was even used as a servant in the congregation. One daughter never returned home after running away, one daughter ran off and married a young man to "free herself" from the abuse suffered at home. and the youngest become very very heavy, I think, in an effort to hide from him. The mother did nothing, and always resented me for saying anything about what I had been told. The whole incident has always bothered me, and after all these years, wished I had called the police myself. I guess if I hadn't been so brainwashed and frightened, I would have made a better choice. The organization does hide molesters and it makes me sick, especially in this instance. I pray that Jesus can forgive me for not forcing the issue. I pray also that the girls have found peace and safety away from that man and from the organization. I left 6 years ago.

My "friends" in the truth had offered to baby sit my six year old son while I took a business related trip out of town. A few days after my return my son, told me that my "friend's oldest son, a teenager, had taken my son's clothes off and taken the clothes off his sister, who was five. My son told me he tired to get my son to lie on top of his sister while they were both naked. I call my friend and spoke to her and her husband, who was a mistrial servant. I was told by them, that their son had a slight problem and it would be dealt with by them. I was not to mention this to anyone in the congregation ... I did and was eventually told that my son made up the story and I should discipline him for lying

I was raised in Washington state where both my father and brother molested me. When this was brought up to the elders in our congregation they told my mother I had a demon in me that was causing my father and brother to do this. That she had to beat the demon out of me to stop it from happening again. I took daily beatings for about a month or so. What this did was stop me from talking at all about what continued to happen.

I am now 36 years OLD I type that in caps because I feel 100, my body and mind have been broken over the years by the " Brothers." My story starts at a very young age when my father an Elder in the congregation raped me. Did I state I was four at the time? Did I also say that my Grandmother and Aunt who both were Pioneers knew of the sexual abuse? Perhaps I should say I know for sure My Grandmother knew I KNOW my aunt suspected or just ignored "IT." "IT" was a very strong word in my home "IT" referred to my mothers suicide."IT "Referred to my Grandfather Getting caught touching my friend in an inappropriate manner. IT referred to my Grandmothers Alcoholism, also my Fathers and Grandfathers. I am now left to sift through the Whys?????? Why did my "Elder" Father rape me and beat my brother and sister. Why didn't the elders do anything about it? Why did my Father stop at the age of thirteen????? Wait, I know I started my period! Why did another "Elder" join my father in sexually tormenting me? Why when this same "elder" beat his dog to death in a fit of rage (for barking) was he not " DF'd Why when I Went to the Elders WAS I TOLD I NEEDED TWO WITNESSES???? Do you think that my dad and his friend would testify to their wrongdoing against me???? Why do I still suffer??? and wonder if I did the right thing by leaving the Organization? Why did my mother kill herself? Why was my Father not DF'd AGAIN when 12 years later he went to jail for sexually abusing my Half-sister and some of her Witness Friends???????????????????? Why why why.............. Because THEY DO AND CONTINUE TO IGNORE SEXUAL DEVIANTS!

Sincerely,

"To All Victims Of Molestation In New York State"

July 31, 2001 Jean Kraus Midajoaaju@aol.com

Dear Jean: Thank you very much for your Email sent yesterday, July 30th. I appreciate your correspondence as it includes helpful information. Being yourself a relative of victims of child abusers, you know how important it is for our society to strengthen our penal law.

Many victims of child abuse repress their memories of the abuse for many years after reaching adulthood. That is why I introduced A. 5361 in the Assembly last February. This bill would increase the time to prosecute for a sexual offense or incest committed against a child twelve year old or younger for five years to thirty years. This legislation has received a warm welcome among my Republicans colleagues in the Assembly.

The bill is actually co-sponsored by Assemblymen Brian Kolb, Robert D'Andrea, Michael Spano and by Assemblywoman Kathleen Murray. Eleven other Republican members agreed to multi-sponsor this legislation. The Democrat majority has not agreed to report A. 5361 out of the Codes Committee, chaired by Assemblyman Joseph Lentol. I would respectfully urge you to write to Chairman Lentol, asking him to send this legislation to the floor for a vote. Hon. Joseph Lentol Room 632 L.O.B. Albany, NY 12248 Regarding the other legislation you mentioned in your mail, none of them has been reported out of the Codes Committee. A. 4140, introduced by Assemblyman Lafayette, would toll statute of limitations in personal injury actions (not prosecutions) resulting from child abuse until abuse was discovered by plaintiff. A. 4669, introduced by Assemblyman Stephens, would extend the statute of limitations in any sex offense. A. 2413 / S. 1787, introduced by Assemblyman Klein and Senator Velella, would eliminate the statute of limitations for the prosecution of rape in the first degree and sodomy in the first degree.

Again, thank you very much for sharing your views with me. I look forward to working with you and your organization.

Sincerely, David R. Townsend, Jr. Member of Assembly

(NOTE** From Jean Kraus --Please mention in your letter if you are a victim / survivor / loved one of victim or survivor. Also mention the state you / victim / survivor, is/was from)

Well to sum it up, I went to a 'witness party' with 'pioneers' at a 'witness house' where a 'witness' put a drug in my drink and took me off, raped me, then tried to kill me. After spending time in the hospital, filing a police report, and pressing charges I decided to go to the elders. Well the guy had went to his elders first and said it was mutual and got reproved. Even though I had the police report, report from the doctor at the hospital, pictures of cuts and bruises, and written testimony from a guy who was there that knew the guy had put a drug in my drink, the elders sat there and counseled me for lying.

They made me sit in the back room alone with 2 men after this happened and tell them in detail what happened. That pissed me off too. From that day I decided I wouldn't go back. I was very hurt. The people that were supposed to be there for me when I needed help and support were against me. Even if I do eventually go back I will NEVER go to them for help much less if I do something wrong. I know that people are imperfect but I will never look at them the same again. That was the big straw that broke the camels back.

Now I have to listen to my dad tell me how much I disappoint him since I don't go to the meetings and my grandma cry and tell me I'm going to die. My dad blames me for my mom not going, etc... I have a lot of anger in me now because of what happened with the guy but I will never allow anyone to hurt me again, no matter what. I still wish I could die sometimes so I won't have to feel the pain.

Hello all. I am a 36-year-old female and grew up in central Florida, USA. Here is my story:

I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness with my mom being baptized when she was pregnant with me. Most of my extended family members are Jehovah's Witnesses; some are elders, pioneers, bethelites, etc... My father was never a witness but he supported my mom, primarily because it gave him more free time, I think.

From the time I was 5 until I was 12, I was repeatedly molested and raped by my oldest brother who is 5 years older than me. In addition, occasionally he would share me with his friends when he felt like it. It's an interesting thing that happens in a child's mind when she goes to meetings and hears how Jehovah protects those he loves, and then she goes home to something like that. Without going into to many details, but to give a picture of my family life...my brother was a very abusive person in many other ways as was my father and I lived in terror of both of them. My only source of comfort was my sister, who did her best to look out for me and give me the mothering I didn't receive anywhere else. When I entered my young adult hood... I had spent many years trying to be a 'good girl', a good witness and felt that I failed miserably. I kept making mistakes. I met a man, non-witness, and fell in love, got disfellowshipped, married him, got reinstated. I didn't talk to anyone about what had happened to me in the past because I felt like they would think I was a bad person and despise me. Plus, at one time when I was a child, I told my mother but she didn't stop the abuse so I just assumed talking would do no good. It didn't stop until after my brother had moved out of our home.

I began having bouts of severe depression but still didn't make any connections to the abuse. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my first child that I started having horrible flashbacks and feeling like I was losing my mind. I remember an Awake magazine that came out around that time about child abuse...it had a picture of a little girl and a shattered mirror ... I read that and cried for the first time for what had happened to me. Meanwhile, I had my son and felt for the first time in my life that I had done something right. I had something precious to care for and I was determined to be the best mother for him. I limped along for a while trying to deal with my continuing depression and flashbacks and anxiety at tacks... I finally talked to my mom about what had happened to me, and she denied any knowledge of me ever talking to her about it. That floored me but again, I assumed that I just had it wrong. Maybe I had just dreamed it all up although deep down I knew I hadn't.

Less than a year after I had my son, I became pregnant again. When I found out I was to have a daughter, I totally panicked. All I could think was that history would repeat itself and I felt completely unequipped to deal with it. I was so incredibly scared I don't know how to communicate my fear at that time. But my memories were determined not to be held at bay any longer and I realized that I would have to get help for them.

So I turned to my "brothers" the elders. It was very hard to tell them what had happened to me, I felt so ashamed. But they were kind and assured me of their love for me and promised to support me. I will never forget one elder, he had tears in his eyes when I told him what I was dealing with and I knew that he truly cared for me. Unfortunately, he moved shortly after and so I lost his support. During all of this, my family was actively trying to convince me that I shouldn't get the elders involved in a 'family' matter like this...they felt that I was just trying to get my oldest brother in trouble out of some desire for revenge.

My mother told me that she knew I had never liked him but that I was going too far, that what I had experienced at his hands was nothing more than 'childhood experimentation'. Folks, let me tell you, this was not the case. But I was desperate for help and I had been told my whole life that the help and comfort I needed I would get from the elders. Things escalated within my family...my brother made several threatening phone calls to me, alternately begging and then threatening me to stop going to the elders. My mother, not surprisingly, took his side. At the time, my brother was living in another city and my family all thought it would be such a great idea if he moved to our congregation. Nobody asked me how I would feel about it...and so he moved to our congregation. It became increasingly more difficult for me to go to meetings...so I went back to the elder s... I told them that in no way did I want to get my brother in any trouble, I just needed help from them for what I perceived as a spiritual problem. Again, they assured me of their love for me and promised to include my children and me in family outings etc.

Meanwhile, my brother began getting privileges in the cong and applied to be a regular pioneer. Things came to a head when two other people he had molested came forward. Now the elders had to decide if a judicial committee was called for. On all of this, they told me, they stayed in close contact with the Society so that they could be sure it was handled properly. Finally, they decided to have a meeting with my brother, the other 2 victims, and myself to decide if they needed to go further. My brother broke down and apologized and said that he was willing to do anything to make it up to me. All that I asked of him was that he stay away from me and change congregations. I didn't think I should have to uproot my kids and myself. He said he would think about it and let us know his decision. Strangely enough, the elders told him they would need to discuss the situation amongst themselves and let him know in a couple of days whether or not there would be a judicial committee formed.

Guess what? After being given direction to refer to a 1972 Kingdom Ministry Question from readers, they decided since it had happened over two years ago it wasn't necessary to form a JC. Within an hour of their telling him, he made his decision that it would be too 'upsetting' for his family to change congregations again. It appears he not willing to do anything, especially in my interests. The elders accepted his decision, told me I needed to practice forgiveness, and sent his pioneer application off to be approved...which it was. Not long after, while I was struggling with my feelings, and not making it to many meetings, etc., one of the elders, who had promised to include us in his family outings, invited my bro and his family over for a meal...he had not once invited my kids and I. This hurt me deeply; all of the elders, save one, began treating me as the one in the wrong-for my 'unforgiving attitude' and my family was in total agreement with them. But do you know, I STILL kept trying to do it their way...I did the best I could but every day, I was dying a little more inside.

Around this time, things were kind of going from bad to worse. There was a part of me that really believed that once my parents knew the TRUTH of what had happened to me, they would open their arms and hearts to support me. Anyone familiar with the dynamics that exist in families where abuse occurs, can guess that this was not the case...and the child inside who had always yearned for her parents' love and approval finally had to give up that dream. My parents completely supported my brother...my mother's reason was that 'he is sick and you aren't, he needs me more than you do'. I remember a shepherding call that the PO and another elder made on me...I wasn't attending many meetings and so they came to 'help'. As I sat on my couch with tears rolling down my cheeks, explaining to them why it was so difficult for me to go to the same hall as my abuser and why I thought it might be a good idea for me to go to another congregation. The PO told me that I would find a reason at any hall to not like someone. He assured me that I would allow myself to get upset over something minor and then I'd be back in the same boat.

The implication was that I was nothing but a troublemaker I was the only real problem. I regret to this day that I stifled the impulse to tell him to get the hell out of my house. But I continued crawling along...and eventually I started seeing a therapist (against my family's counsel, of course-once, my mother even accused the 'evil' therapist for putting this stuff in my head). During therapy, I realized that I had an alcohol problem and as you can imagine, this wasn't helping my mental and emotional state. I started attending AA meetings and there I found people who accepted me unconditionally, warts and all. They looked at me and saw only a person in pain, and offered me help...therapy and AA literally saved my life. By this point, I was ready to die...the only thing stopping me was love for my children. I just couldn't hurt them like that; in my mind, that would make me no better than my brother and parents.

Can you believe that at this point, I was still trying to do it the elders' way?? I wasn't getting love and acceptance from them, just emotional and spiritual beatings. The elders encouraged me not to stop letting my children visit my mother's home...even though my brother and his family were living there. They convinced me that if I kept my children away, I would be unfairly punishing my mother...so I went against my better judgment and made my mother SWEAR to me that my kids would NEVER be alone with my brother. Backing up a bit, my brother has 2 children, one of them a daughter, who from the age of 2 exhibited signs of having been sexually abused. I talked to my family until I was blue in the face, trying to get help for her, but it was like dashing my head against the proverbial stonewall. One day when I went to pick up my children after a visit at my mom's, she pulled me aside and told me "Dana, your worst fear has been realized". She had caught my niece molesting one of my children. The girl was 12 years old and my child was 6. I had been sober and in therapy for about a year when this occurred. I immediately took my child to a therapist, who by law was obligated to report the molestation. Thus ensued the biggest, most painful nightmare of my life.

The authorities got involved...called my mother to investigate and was told by her that it had all been blown out of proportion, that it was a one time thing, and only 'experimentation'. When they called me, I gave them an ear full...I gave them the entire family history and so they decided to investigate a bit further. Meanwhile, my child who had always been sweet and even-tempered began having horrible attacks of rage and anger. Finally, amidst hysterical phone calls from my mother "What is wrong with you?? Why are you doing this to your niece??" and threatening calls from my brother, the police called my 6 year old baby in to be questioned...they would not let me go with them and my child was scared to death, shaking and crying as they went down the hall away from me. But when they came back in, this child looked like the weight of the world was gone from their shoulders and the police told me how brave the little tyke had been. But the story was bad...very bad. The abuse had gone beyond molestation and had been going on for at least 6 months. BTW...my mother had sworn to me that she never left my kids unsupervised for more than a minute or two...right.

My niece was questioned and confirmed everything my child had said. The evidence was sent to the State Attorney's office for them to decide whether or not to prosecute. It was totally out of my hands...BUT that made no difference to my family. In their minds, I was the evil woman using a child (my niece) to get back at my brother. BTW...my niece had molested an 8-year-old girl earlier that same year and I had again uselessly begged my mother to get her help. To make a long story a bit longer, the state decided to prosecute my niece...when my mother found out about it, she called me up, screaming at me that she hoped my child would have to take the stand and testify as that would pay me back for some of the pain I had caused them all. That same day, my brother showed up at my house and physically accosted my husband and threatened to kill all of us. Fortunately, the kids and I were not there at the time and he left before we got home. He later denied the threats...but the very next night, showed up outside my home and tried to lure me outside...he said that he 'just wanted to talk to me'...but we weren't there because I had every reason to fear that he would make good on his threats and had left town the night before (I still have the answering machine tape with the message on it). He had already been arrested before for assault and battery...he owned a gun...and I knew his capacity for violence as I had suffered from it for so many years.

The next week, one of the elders called me...without asking how my child or I was, he immediately launched into a harangue about how I was going totally against scriptural counsel to avoid taking my brother to court and that I was the reason for the divisions in my family. I was also accused of creating divisions in the congregation, which was laughable, as I had talked to no one regarding what was going on in my family except, one elder's wife. I did tell that elder to never call me again...perhaps his conscience was guilty as he was the one who advised me to let my children visit my mother. I'll regret following that advice for the rest of my life.

How I stayed sober through all of this is a miracle to me...I cannot describe the anguish I felt. I prayed and prayed to Jehovah for help; I begged him to show me what to do...the silence was deafening. And slowly there grew in me the conviction that if this was 'godly love', I wanted no part of it. I as an imperfect human mother had shown more love for my child than I or my child had ever received from this god. The reactions of the elders also brought me eye to eye with the undeniable realization that this was not love being shown but petty, power-mad men running the show. And there was NO ****ING WAY they would ever have the opportunity to hurt my children or me again. But you know what's really sad? The elders NEVER put any restrictions on my brother about being alone with kids; they never told anyone about my niece. I wonder how many more victims are there out there?? And I believe in my heart that my niece is a victim as well, although that in no way excuses what she did.

Is this the end of the story? Well, my sister left the organization shortly after I did and we are very close now; I've been sober now for 5 years; I've been out of the organization for about 4 years; my child is doing wonderfully because of therapy combined with loving parental support and acceptance (and of course, Aunt *****!! love ya sis); I have healed most, if not all, the wounds that I suffered and am a pretty happy person. My marriage didn't survive and so now I'm a single mom but I'm on good terms with my ex, who loves his children dearly. In May, I graduated with a two-year degree in psychology and have just begun University. My children are happy, well-adjusted kids who make friends easily, do well in school, and are terrible about cleaning their bedrooms. What I'm trying to say is that today, we have a life...a very cheerful, happy family life...what I have always longed for. Trust me, it isn't perfect but it's close enough. Thanks for listening.

Love to all, DC

I have tried to tell my story several times.... and faltered. With much

kind encouragement, I will try one more time. My story is not a short one ...please bear with me.

I was the firstborn of the sixth generation of JW's in my family.

We had the kind of "Christian Heritage" that they spoke of in assembly parts. According to family legend, both of my maternal great- great-great-grandfathers were postmasters, one in Arkansas and one in West Virginia, when the Bible Students circulated a mass mailing to all of the US postmasters. They both accepted these new teachings and were fundamental in founding the first congregations in these two states. There were several of those 5 generations past ancestors of mine who claimed to be of the anointed. Of the later generations, too many to count have served in congregational positions that include Regular and Special Pioneers, Ministerial Servants, Elders, CO's, PO's, City Overseers.

I have never attended, in all of my life, a District Assembly where one of my relatives was not delivering an address, participating in a drama or demonstration, or giving their experience. I myself served as a Regular Pioneer for 5 years and in a Spanish-speaking congregation for 2.

My maternal great-grandfather was a pedophile. He abused my grandmother, my mother, myself. Three of the six generations. He abused three generations of congregation children. He died in his 90's, in good standing. He was never disfellowshipped, although I have been assured that he was counseled on occasion.

My mother was baptized when she was 9 years old, my father converted from the Pentecostal faith to become a JW when he was 16 years old. I was baptized when I was 14. The very first time I saw my father cry was when he performed my baptism.I never had a choice. I was JW for generations before my birth. I was JW when I was two years old and my great-grandfather was fondling me. I

was JW when I was seven and being molested by the son of a witness family that lived down the block. I was JW when I was 12 and my first Witness crush thought that it would be funny to slip his hand down my skirt in the backseat of the car while we were out in field service. I was JW when he would hit me. I was JW when I was informed, upon the reporting of these incidents to the elders, that I was being put on reproof for not having "screamed". It was their belief that because these abuses happened both before and after my baptism, that my failing to bring it to them again post dedication indicated my willing participation in the events. The fact that my father was a member of the body of elders and had already informed me that "if anything like that was happening, you must be doing something to encourage it". I was JW when these three men held me accountable for the "sins" of my past.

I had a choice when I was 22. I sought therapy. I had a choice when I confronted my family and the brothers about my great-grandfathers'

pedophilia and the behavior of certain brothers in the congregation. I had a choice when I became the first person in six generations of witnesses to walk away. When these men made their choice, I made mine. Not out of spite, not to live the decadent lifestyle, but to be safe. I had been raped, beaten and emotionally assaulted to the point that I was convinced of two things.

First, I knew that if I were to continue association with this Organization I would die, probably by my own hand. Second, this was not the house of God. I "drifted" for two years, finally deciding to move 2 hours North and start a new life. My life after leaving the JW's has convinced me of many new things.

I believe that there is a God. I do not believe that he had anything to do with what happened to me. I believe that, like any perfect parent, he/she/it scooped me up in gentle arms and began gently kissing my wounds away with little blessings. I met a man that loves me, madly. I met a man that I could trust, lust after, and love, madly. Fortunately, for the both of us, he was the same man! I was a princess on my wedding day. I felt like a virgin. We have a perfect son. I finally understand what unconditional love means. I have dear friends. I own a home. I have not one, but two retirement accounts.

I am a very lucky woman. I have also lost more to this organization than I can say. I am now trying to decide whether to participate in the

proposed lawsuits. Whatever my choice on this matter, I am facing the inevitable loss of contact with my family. I know that one-day they will choose this faith and their heritage over me. I know it, I just don't want to see or hear it.

Not yet.

In 1988 our eldest daughter told us that she had been sexually molested by my nephew she cant remember when it started as she was so young but remembers the last time when he and his future wife stayed at our home for the night , they were both pioneers at the time.

An elder was present the time our daughter told us about the abuse. He advised me to speak to him on my own as he lived quite away from us, but also not to speak to the police or tell my fleshly brother who was an elder at the time. My nephew admitted straight away to me that he had indeed molested my daughter, but didn't explain what he had done and I didn't ask because of his admission. My fleshly brother did find out and went to speak to the elders of his sons congregation, he came back, it had gone to the governing body and their reply was that we had to forgive and forget and not to take your spiritual brother to court.

He was not reproved because he said he was not baptised at the time, which was a lie. When we tried to get to the truth, we were told over and over again to leave it in Jehovah's hands which we did.

In 1994 our youngest daughter told us her uncle who is not a JW had been sexually molesting her since the age of 8 he was arrested with the backing of the brothers who knew. It was him, that told the police that he was not the Paedophile but my nephew was, so the police came to see me and advised us to prosecute him, we then advised our daughter to take it to the courts.

She said she would, and she did. We later found many lies in his police statement. We asked many times to get help from the elders to sort out the lies, not only from my nephew but also from my fleshly brother ( who was elder), but we were told they would not get involved, all the while my brother was getting to know anything he wanted, because he was an elder .He did everything to stop us discussing the matter.

The none JW uncle was charged with serious assault on my youngest daughter and his own daughter. He was found guilty and given a total of 59 years but will only serve 8 years when he is set free.

My nephew who admitted to just 2 charges of sexual assault backed up by a report we could not read about he was only given community service and got away lightly.

He blamed my daughter for the break down of his marriage because it was brought to court, in fact it was not true, as he had committed immorality with two witness sisters. And was found out guess what, because he admitted it, he again was not reproved. He later remarried in the Kingdom Hall.

We eventually left the organisation as we could not except that Paedophiles can be protected by the policy that two witnesses would have to come forward. I hope this will help others to see that the policy of the Watchtower Organisation needs to change.

My story, while not as hideous or earth shaking as though I have read, has had such a devastating effect on my childhood and young adulthood that sometimes I'm not quite sure how I actually survived. I cannot blame the WTBTS for the majority of my life, as they truly had no knowledge until "after the fact", at my Judicial Committee hearings. But, the disfellowshipping of a young girl of 16 who was obviously quite traumatized, in need of help, guidance and compassion is something I will never forget. I forgave all involved individuals a long time ago - I wish no one ill will. But, the Watchtower Society must LEARN - as they are ignoring the true needs of those that are exactly what you have described - Silent Lambs. If there are others like me - I hope my story brings them peace.

I was born in 1968 to a JW mother and non-believing father. Punishment for small offenses was severe in our home by my mother, and our father was rarely at home. The sexual abuse for me began at least by the age of 3 from what I and my siblings can surmise - I can't for sure say because I can never remember a time when it wasn't a part of my life. The abuse came at the hand of a family JW member, who had left the organization long before I did. He was left alone with my siblings and me at least weekly, babysitting so my mother could do errands. My parents did not know of the abuse until I was 12 years old and attempted suicide. I didn't know I was being abused until I was 7 years old. I knew by 5 that I was doing something "bad", something, instilled in me over and over again by the perpetrator, my fault. When I was 5, I learned what happened to people who turned their back on God - all the devastating pictures and stories of what would happen during Armageddon. So, even though I knew I was a sinner at 5, and although I was frightened beyond even adult understanding, I said nothing to anyone because I thought my family would hate me and leave me homeless if I told. By 7, I knew that I was being sexually abused, but in my mind I was committing "fornication" because the individual had already been telling me for so long that I caused these events.

I began trying to please God in order to make the abuse stop. I prayed and prayed and sometimes, while being molested, I would call out his name, because I had heard that he answered these calls. No answer came, and the abuse didn't end. This further told me I caused it, and Jehovah was angry with me. So, at 12 years of age, I attempted suicide. My mother caught me, and I was saved, but after having my stomach pumped, when we returned home from the hospital, I was beat for trying to end my life. The hospital at the time agreed w/my mother that I could be brought home, they didn't involve social workers. I told her the reason I did this was because I was such a bad person, Jehovah didn't love me and I didn't want to die at Armageddon - I wanted to just go to sleep. I told her of the "abuse" (still firmly implanted in my mind that I was committing the "fornication", I was trying to convince her to help the perpetrator). She was shocked and extremely angry at first and went straight to the elders. Nothing became of the perpetrator, but at least someone explained to me that it wasn't my fault (not that I believed them - I knew in my heart it was because Jehovah never answered me). The events were quietly swept under the rug and never discussed in our home again. I can't blame them; I don't think "sexual abuse" was really a hot topic parse back then. They couldn't recognize the signs because they didn't know what they were (i.e. I was EXTREMELY introverted - wouldn't speak to people for months on end, always staying away from physical contact, crying allot without explanation. My mother said she just thought I was a "strange" girl, and let it go at that). I cannot tell my father's reaction, lets just say he and his family found justice in other ways, and my father until the end of his life harbored a very big grudge towards the WTBTS for their lying about who was amongst them (he had found out through other avenues that I was not the first and only that this individual had harmed - but no one had ever taken any action because it was quietly handled by the elders and not even public reproofs were made).

That summer, we moved from one congregation to my grandmothers home, an old sprawling farmhouse that she had lived in her entire life, that now was over 180 years old and nestled in an "up and coming wealthy area.. My family was extremely poor, my mother a JW with 5 children and a non-believing mate. The congregation we moved to was extremely wealthy - at least for the late '70's. We stuck out like sore thumbs, and were not accepted "warmly" into our new congregation. We were pretty much ignored; in fact I didn't have my 1st conversation with any elder until I was baptized at 15 and my 2nd conversation with them at 16 - when I was disfellowshipped.

Because I was introverted, with such low self-esteem, etc. it was very difficult for me to make friends. I didn't have any in the world, and I didn't have any with the JW's either. My first real friendship was when I was 14, and an elder's daughter (who was spiritually weak at best) befriended me. I still miss and love her to this day, and will never forget her kindness. She was 16 and took me under "her wing", and forced me to attend JW activities such as roller-skating, sodas after the meeting, etc. etc. (I was never invited - she just brought me along anyways). To say I didn't fit in is another understatement. Everyone thought I was weird; "a fake" was the way a few referred to me. I ignored them, but it further pushed home the fact that I wasn't "good enough" for the JW's, or for Jehovah. So, I decided to push myself even further into this organization, auxiliary pioneering in the summers (much of it with just my friend), and regular pioneering during the school year. Back in those days, it was an honor to be selected by the elder's wives to work with them in service, especially for young girls. I was never selected. Another "sign" in my eyes. About the same time, it seemed I had "slut" firmly tattooed on my forehead. Social activities w/the JW's became frightening experiences, where even going to the bathroom would lead to a couple of the young men (an MS servants) following me and sexually harassing me. I didn't tell again, I was afraid. I knew no one would believe me - these young men were quite popular and I was a nothing. Within a few months, I had stopped attending social events and swore my friend to secrecy as to why - not that anyone even noticed.

In the winter of that year, a new family moved into our congregation, with a young man (age 22). He was so cute, so gorgeous. He singled me out for phone calls and uplifting conversations. He was so kind and caring...I was in love. We became engaged within 2 months (this was not unusual). As soon as we were engaged, things changed. He became pushing the "sex" thing, and at first I was able to hold him at bay. But, eventually, it led to me being raped by him. It shook me to my very soul. He was able to logic it all away, and convinced me the best thing to do was to follow through with the plan of being married. I know this sounds weird, it probably is, but at this point I agreed with him. I kept "our secret", and more sexual encounters ensued. I never wanted it - always I would cry, struggle and protest. I never instigated these situations; in fact I tried to avoid them as much as I possibly could. But, I didn't end the relationship - I couldn't. I didn't even know how. I couldn't tell either, because I truly cared about him. He was always so sorry, so repentant towards me, that I finally rationalized it to myself that at least this one was going to marry me.

Eventually, we were "caught". I had already had the feelings of guilt so deeply entrenched that I was relieved to some extent. I wanted to "confess", I wanted to be free of this wicked burden that was my whole life. So, at my judicial committee hearings (once again only the 2nd time I had ever talked with these men) I freely gave them all the information regarding myself, the ministerial servants, my fiancée, and my childhood. I freely told them that I knew I was at fault - I truly believed there was something about me that made it happen. My mother actually testified on my behalf, presenting the little bit of evidence that she could find on child abuse victims, and how it traumatizes them. She helped me more in those hearings than she will ever know. The elders asked me many questions, all of which I answered honestly and freely. They took their notes, and seemed so compassionate and kind, I actually began to rejoice, thinking perhaps they could help me not be so wicked (this is truly what I thought). They took my mothers information and told us we would hear from them in a week.

The next meeting, things were allotted different. The elders were hostile, angry. They accused me of lying, of trying to instigate trouble for the other "spiritually strong decent" young men in the congregation. They said I was a "cancer" that needed to be cut from the congregation. They also told me my fiancée was also seeing another elder's daughter in the congregation, also having relations with these women. I was devastated. They also had spoken with both the Ministerial Servants, both of who denied my story unequivocally (exactly what I though would happen). They told me my fiancée was to be disfellowshipped, would I still marry him? I answered that yes I would, as I felt that because of our insidious relationship, this would be what God would want. They immediately disfellowshipped me at the following meeting.

I attempted for a few months to be "repentant", I tried to show them that I wanted to return. But, the situation at home was becoming increasingly difficult, my mother had followed along with the elder's decision and was "shunning" me, and getting more hostile by the day. Within 4 months, my father, decided I should be living on my own as it was tearing me apart. He helped me set up an apartment, and helped with 1/2 my living expenses. I found a job, worked full time while finishing high school. I broke up with my fiancée; I could no longer stand to even look at him. I made a few friends at my job, and my life began.

Its 16 years now, and the pain is still there. I forgave, but I will never forget. This religion did not "cause" my suffering. But, they did nothing to help; in fact they just dumped me by the side of the road. Perhaps in their eyes they were doing the right thing, I'll never know.

As an adult, I've come to realize what really happened all those years ago. I cry for that child, and for that young woman, but they aren't me anymore. I'm stronger, and I can speak of these things pretty openly.... but its taken allot of "worldly" people, a lot of soul searching and allot of time. I don't think the WTBTS makes pedophiles, I just believe they are totally unequipped to deal with the reality, and unwilling to make waves as to situations that might "harm" their reputation.

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

About 6 years ago I came out to the elders and told them I was sexually abused by my father. My mom ended up leaving my dad (I was 14 at the time) and I went through long sessions with the elders on this situation. They told me not to go to the police as it would reflect badly onto the congregation. They also told me I HAD to forgive my father because that's what the bible says. Being as headstrong as I am, I went to the police anyway. I was disfellowshipped for reporting to the police thus not following theocratic direction and not forgiving my father right away.

Now my family doesn't speak to me anymore, yet my father was found "repentant" and remained an active member in the congregation. I have heard he is remarried - to a woman with small children nonetheless and that he is a ministerial servant. I found a letter online that was distributed to the elders in every congregation from the Watchtower society that states people with a history of pedophilia ARE allowed to go door to door, make comments, be with small children, become elders, etc… as long as there haven't been accusations against this person in a long time. It's quite sad really. I was amazed at the THOUSANDS of people who were in a situation like me... its encouraging to see I am not alone! :-)

I am amazed that people can hide behind a religion so well and have been doing it for so long. My parents are Jehovah Witnesses and my family was brought up in that religion. I have 7 brothers and 2 sisters and only 1 remains in the religion. He was an elder for a period of time, in which he sexually abused his stepdaughter. He also bashed her one time; she escaped the house and was picked up by an armor guard employee. She was taken to an elder's house. He did not take her to a doctor, even though she had extensive bruising on her face.

A week later she was sent back to my brothers place and was abused by her mother. I encouraged welfare to intervene and she was removed from that environment. Sadly it was to late for her. She turned to drugs and has been battling depression. This religion is so male orientated females don't have a chance nor do children. Of all my brothers and sitters over half were sexually abused and we were all physically abused, you may be able to hide sexual abuse but I don't believe you can hide physical abuse. We use to go to meetings with bruises all over our arms and legs yet nothing was done.

My mothers congregation in New Zealand have been told not to look at this website, yet another example of them trying to control the thoughts of the congregation.

We spoke a few nights ago on the phone. I haven't been able to find a picture of myself when I was younger, but as soon as I do I will send it in.

It started I believe when I was about 8 years old. My mother would work in the day, so she relied on fellow JW's to baby-sit me. I had a regular babysitter, but sometimes the next door neighbor who was also a JW would watch me. The sister (next door neighbor) also worked in the early evenings, so she would leave me with her eldest son. He molested me over a period of 2 years.

When I initially told my mother, she told me to scream. As an eight year old, I told the perpetrator what my mom told me to do, and he covered my mouth. How it all got out was that I told one of the daughters of the babysitter that usually watched me. In turn, she told her mother. Her mother grilled me, and told me to give her all the gory details. She in turn informed my uncle who was an elder in the congregation.

When we got home one night from the meetings, the babysitter, her children, and the next door neighbor were waiting outside. We all went into the house, and I was forced to tell all the details again, this time to an audience of about 7-9 people. They asked me if I liked how it felt, if I wanted him to continue, and other questions that should not be asked of a child. My uncle was notified afterwards.

The next day, my uncle, the next door neighbor, and her son came over. This time, they wanted me to recount the story IN FRONT of the perpetrator. After telling the story two other times, I was too afraid to say anything while the perpetrator was there, so I started to cry, because he said that if I told anybody, he'd make my mother hate me, and that he'd hurt her too. So I just kept crying. Then my uncle said a prayer, and I remember it to this day, "Forgive this child for lying on this poor young man." I didn't say anything else. In my mind, what was threatened came true. After that, my mom was not as affectionate towards me, and began to pay more attention to other children at the Kingdom Hall instead of me.

A few weeks later, my babysitter spanked me to the point where I had bruises. The teacher notified the school nurse, which called the police. I was interviewed by a detective, and I told him what happened with the next door neighbor's son. Nothing came of it however, because when the detective came to my house to talk to my mother, she said that I'd made it up.

I was abused again at another babysitter's house by her two grandsons. It happened for another year or so. But this time I didn't say anything, because the last time, no one believed me.

For years and years, I thought that maybe I'd made all this up in my head, because I was reminded by everyone who knew that they thought I was a liar. For the longest time, I wasn't able to speak up because I couldn't find my voice. Now it's time to put this demon to rest...because I realize now, I shouldn't have lived with this shame, for it was not my shame. It wasn't my fault, I didn't make it up, and I sure as hell not a liar. I'm not an eight year old girl anymore, I'm no longer a silentlamb.

I read many of the accounts on your site and they are fascinating and sad and there is a running theme through out:

The Elders screwed up royally. My account is equally fascinating...

Father's Touch: A Survivor's Memoir of Sexual Abuse & Faith Chapter 12:

Ronny knows he has to do something. He promised he would. But as he is a baptized Christian now, he can't physically hurt his father. Instead he reaches out and cries for help. He decides to confide in the Elders of the Aylmer Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Mama says, “Don't tell.”

Papa says nothing, as though this disclosure is inevitable. God knows he plays The Game. Now God's Elders will find out. His silence at this major crisis is a brilliant and calculated turn. Me, I am ecstatic. No more secrets and lies.

And Ronny? As the oldest son, the pressure on my brother is unbearable. He fears physical retribution from his father, not only for himself, but for us, too. But now he also has to deal with another unknown factor -- how will the Elders react to the news?

He breaks down, confiding in the men of God, that our father has played with us sexually for years. Their reaction: a mix of detachment, curiosity, and confirmation.

Within the Witness society, spiritually weak males are suspect. Perhaps for only lacking faith. Where there is no sign of progress, there is genuine concern. During his fourteen years as a Witness, my father's involvement with Jehovah's Witnesses has been sporadic at best. The Elders “know” there is something wrong with him. Now they have the “evidence” on him.

Papa is called into a meeting with three Elders. Mama is angry at Ronny for breaking the silence. Her private humiliation is about to go outside her inner circle. The four of us are told we must testify before the Elders. Ronny is fifteen, I'm twelve, Marina is ten, and Erik is seven.

Papa confesses to the accusations. How could he not? Why would his four children lie? Why would Mother? Besides, his silence upon Erik's disclosure is an admission of guilt two years earlier. So his quiet admission of guilt now is really not that surprising. Perhaps his silence serves a purpose. Wouldn't a self-defensive posture or an antagonistic approach add to an already explosive situation?

My naivete' and innocence are thrown into the public arena for the first time. I feel like a witness for the prosecution. I'm nervous and excited that our secret is finally coming out. "My life will change for the better," I tell myself.

2001 Copyright, Father's Touch by Donald D'Haene

TO FIND OUT THE COMPLETE STORY AND HOW THIS PARTICULAR DRAMA UNFOLDED, CHECK OUT www.fatherstouch.com for more information on Donald D'Haene's autobiographical account.

I was born into a family of JWs in 1962 at that time we lived in Montana .... It matters not what state you are from, every congregation within our 50 states harpers and protects these victimizers.... And ignores the victim. My mother left me in the care of an Elder and his family while she took my older sister to grade school each morning, I was left in our home with the door unlocked so that this family could come over and check on me. The Elder was the one that would come over each morning.... By the time he got to the house he was already hard, He would have me touch him all over then he would ask me to open my mouth and kiss and lick his privates. You see if you are a Witness and an Elder at that, parents with children in the congregation will hand their kids over to these individuals "no questions asked"

But I was told to love and respect Elders, after all my Mother has told me several times over many years that my Father never wanted me and that she had to go to the Elders and demand that they tell my Father to not deny her having more children, so they did and so here I am. I owe my very life to the Elders according to my Mom. And please never spare the rod of discipline... My Mother wanted perfect little witness kids who never acted up at meetings to embarrass her in front of the congregation, I don't remember one time after a meeting that my sister and I did not get beat with a belt or a switch.

In 1969 we moved from Montana to the Los Angeles area were we settled into a new congregation (BlG South) My Mom started pioneering full time and my Dad continued beating us kids into perfection. Later when I was 12 we moved on the same block with 2 Elders and their families and a MS and his wife. My best friend D was the stepdaughter of one of the Elders. The other Elder D W had a wife and two small children, he started to give D and I sleeping pills in the evening and when we would fall asleep he would have his fun,

He also took us separately in his car to run errands then he would just drive to some out of the way parking lot and have sex with us. He would tell us that he loved us and wanted to marry us, I really didn't know any better I thought Elders were like Gods who never did anything wrong. D finally broke down and told her Elder step Dad about what he was doing. Ready for this folks, because they were good friends the two Elders they decided to not tell anyone what had happened ... D's Dad told me not to say anything to anyone not even my parents because Jehovah was dealing with it Himself. So, I did what he said. It was only years later when I was in my 30s and having all kinds of emotional problems that I finally confronted my mother and asked why on earth she would allow me to drive off with a grown man alone over and over again.

I was married by then to a worldly man, I had a beautiful daughter and I swore that nothing like this would happen to her... Guess again, my husband started studying with JWs in 1984 and was baptized in 1985. This caused many problems between us and in 1996 I filed for divorce. During the divorce when my daughter would be with my Ex for visitation, He had a friend who was an Ex MS who was an alcoholic but still a witness and attending meetings. Him and my EX got drunk one night at his new home, My EX passed out and his brother in the truth (J K) proceeded to go upstairs and force himself on my daughter. SHE WAS ONLY 12 YEARS OLD. What a proud legacy of pain and heartache you evil people have left in your wake, you have done the unthinkable just so you can pretend to the world that you are guilty of no wrong. I can't imagine what you really deserve for your crimes ... Stop hurting children.

To Whom It May Concern: Please add me to your mailing list. I am an ex JW and was married to a ex JW now who was sexually abused by an elder for years and nothing was done until she went to a CO, after which she was removed from her special pioneer privilege. I was astonished with how the whole ordeal was handled, and finally my eyes were opened later when I had an elder as a business partner and went to the elders about the problems this man was causing not only to me but other young brothers who we had hired. Anyways, I would like to be on your mailing list. Thank You....

Thank you! I love your site and I love what you are doing! I am a victim of molestation, so is my daughter...I thank GOD for His strength and love, to have made me strong enough to fight the emotional bondage of this horrific crime. I visit your site often.

Dear silentlambs,

I am sending you two letters I wrote in 1999 as they helped me to heal and overcome the hurtful legacy I was born into. My hope is that you will be able to share these writings with others who have or are feeling similar feelings so that they can gain something out of them

The message is ... There is hope ... You can survive ... You can go on ... And things can get better ... If you are willing to seek help ... Face your fears ... And work hard to heal And in the process you will learn to love yourself....

Tamar

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The following are letters to my brother who abused me:

May 9, 1999

Raymond,

I want you to understand the impact that you have had in my life.

The earliest memory I have of you was when I was around four years old. I can remember you bribing me with gum. I loved gum when I was young and you said that you would give me a whole piece if I took off my panties and laid down on the garage floor. I remember the darkness of the garage and the coldness of the floor as you hurt me by laying on top of me. I complained of the coldness so you laid down a towel on the floor for me to lay on. I can remember on one of the many times that this happened, someone knocked on the garage door. In a panic you told me to be silent, leaped to your feet, scrambling to fix your clothing and told me to quickly put on my panties and go out the back door and play. Without question, I did as you said and went out to the red patio on the back of the garage and put one foot on the back of my sister's red tricycle and pushed in around with my other foot. I remember you telling someone that you were looking for something when they asked what you were doing. Later you gave me extra gum and made me promise that I wouldn't tell anyone about our little game we were playing. I can clearly remember that this was the first time that I had ever felt guilt. At the time I did not know what I was feeling, but as I grew I learned that what I felt s sense of guilt and shame for doing something I shouldn't be doing. I was a good secret keeper and you continued to touch me and abuse me in various places around our property, including the big back yard. As I grew I can clearly recall feeling a sense of fear every time I went into the garage.

Then you went away and Daddy died. I remember feeling alone and sad. You were not there to give me gum or horsey rides, and Daddy was just gone forever. I remember feeling that I had lost you both forever because Daddy had fallen asleep in death forever and you were disfellowshipped for stealing.

As I grew my feeling of guilt also grew. You came home and began to molest me again. Finally my conscience felt very bad because we had a family talk in which mom said that we should never keep secrets of her and if anyone had anything they wanted to talk about she would listen. Later that day I went to mom and told her about what you and I had been doing. I told her how bad it made me feel and I cried a lot because I thought I would be getting in trouble. She assured me that I was not in trouble. I remember the yelling and screaming as you and Mom fought soon afterwards. When you went away again for stealing, I felt as if it was because I had told about our game. I did not know that you were in trouble with the law for stealing again. I thought you were in trouble for what you had done to me. I felt sad and was angry with myself for telling our little secret. I was very sad little girl because both my daddy and my brother were both gone.

I remained faithful to the truth, as those around me expected and tried to find myself in service to Jehovah. After all I was the daughter of the deceased presiding elder and I could not let anyone down as you had.

When I turned 16 I had my first date. He was 23 years old, and what I thought was a faithful brother in the truth. On that first date he asked me to marry him. He told me that he had already spoke with my mother and it was ok with her if I wished to marry him. I impulsively said yes, and we were married three months later. On our honeymoon this faithful brother took me to a porn movie and began to tell that I needed to be more like those women. He was abusive to me and I became very angry. I began to drink a lot to deal with the pain of his sexual and emotional abuse . I just assumed that men who love you sexually abuse you, after all, you were my only real roll model for a male and you had abused me. My marriage ended after being beaten severely because I would not cower to his abuse any longer. My husband had abused me and cheated on me. He was disfellowshipped. I found myself divorced at the young age of 18. I didn't dream of seeking help, as the organization frowned upon seeking counseling.

When I was 19 I remarried. This marriage was doomed from the start. My husband was also a brother in good standing in the truth, but he was the opposite of my first husband and not a strong person. He was passive and a rather placid in his personality. We were poor and he could not get a decent job, keep a job, or manage to support us. We ended up on welfare and this angered me. I became disillusioned with my marriage, religion, and life in general. I was angry at my husband for not rescuing me from the pressures of life. I found myself having to support him as he couldn't keep a job. I became pregnant and could no longer work. We ended up homeless and destitute. Finally after the baby was born, out of sheer frustration I had an affair on him in a pathetic attempt to feel loved. I was disfellowshipped. I spent a year coming back to the truth and trying to make up for what I had done to him. During this time I suffered from depression, anorexia & bulimia because of all the pent up anger I had carried throughout my life and the frustration I felt with him for not taking care of me. After being re-instated, when my son was 2 1/2 yrs old, I sent the elders a letter telling them to disfellowship me because I could no longer believe in a religion that helped harbor so many people who were responsible for so causing so much pain to others. I told them that if a God of love would allow this kind of wrong doing. I made a conscious decision that I would no longer live by the truths teachings because the brothers turned a blind eye to so much wrong doing. Because I was shortly after disfellowshipped and chose not to try for re-instatement my marriage ended in divorce. My husband told me that he did not want to be married or allow his child to be raised by a nonbeliever. He did not want to be unevenly yoked. I was forced to fight for custody of my child and after almost a year in a bitter battle I won primary custody.

I pulled up my strength and went on to try to find myself. I went from man to man trying to find someone who would love me. I was used and abused by the men I met. I met most of them in bars and they only wanted one thing. Of course, I believed that the only way to get anyone to love you was to give them what they wanted, so I did whatever they wanted. I had a countless series of discreet and meaningless one night stands and short relationships.

I married the third time at the age of 24. By this time I longed for stability and security so I married a man twice my age, in the hope that he would be stable and provide what I was looking for. He turned out to be an abuser and alcoholic, but I was so tired of fighting I resigned myself to putting up with the abuse just to save the marriage. I couldn't imagine being divorced 3 times by the age of 25. At this time I was missing my family deeply and I felt that it was time for me to forgive those who had hurt me in the past, so I decided to let you back into my life. You called me and asked if you could come and stay at my home for a couple of days because you were on a business trip. While you were in my home you took advantage of me. You waited until my husband had gone to work, then you snuck into my in bed while I was asleep and attempted to rape me. I would have died before I let you hurt me again. I kicked you, I hit you and I eventually pushed you down a flight of stairs. I kicked you out of my home at gunpoint and called the police. I immediately called the police and filed charges against you for rape, but due to the fact that I would not lie when asked on the on the witness stand If had tried the cocaine that you had brought into my home the night before, you were able to plea bargain out to a lesser charge and received probation. My husband did not forgive me for letting you into my life and instead became even more angry and abusive over the following months. He would beat me, drag me by my hair and he even put out a cigarette on my stomach. He was cruel and vicious and said that the raping was my fault. I became afraid of him because he began to say he was going to kill me. He had hit me so hard he broke my eardrum and had choked me several times to the point that I passed out. One day I became so fearful for my life that I had him arrested after he beat me. My marriage ended in divorce by the time I was barely 27.

I am now 39 yrs old and have been married for 12 yrs to a man who at the beginning of our marriage was very emotionally and physically abusive to me. Fortunately because of our deep love for each other and a desire to have a happy family we have overcome the abuse. It took years, a lot of counseling and an enormous amount of work on both our parts to grow beyond our abused issues. Through counseling we have broken the cycle of violence and have cultivated a loving, giving and caring relationship.

At the age of 39 I finally have a family and a loving husband. Yet, I can not help but be so very sad when I see how many years were waited trying to overcome the sexual abuse I went through as a child. No one should have to suffer this way. My life was a living hell for so many years. I am deeply saddened by this loss of youth and innocence.

Why did you do this to me? Why did you hurt me so deeply? Even if you were abused it gave you no right to abuse others! You had no right to molest me and my sisters! You've had no right to abuse our bodies, feelings and trust. I do not understand why you have never apologized to me for hurting me so and ruining so many precious years of my life. I can forgive you but I can never forget what you have done to me. I love you because you are my brother, but I can never trust you!

You did not just molest my body, you molested my soul and I will carry these scars for eternity.

Tamar

__________________________________________________________________

May 10, 1999

Dear Ray,

I never thought I would write you but I needed to tell you a few things.

First of all... I love you.

I want you to know that I have forgiven you for molesting me as a child and assaulting me as an adult. This has taken me many years to come to grips with and even longer to deal with. The scars you left upon my heart can never be removed, but I have prayed to God to find a way to forgive you and he has helped me. I now understand that you must have been mentally unbalanced to do such horrible things to your sisters. This has helped me to forgive you.

I have also recently learned that you were molested when you were young by a male family member and this is quite possibly why you learned to molest others. I have been able to speak in length with my sisters and this has helped me to know that I am not alone in my pain, as you also molested them also.

I want you to know that I no longer feel angry towards you. I only feel a deep sadness & loss. It is true that you had difficult time growing up and things were not always fair but you chose to make it so much worse by making so many wrong choices along the way. In making these choices you crushed the hearts of your sisters, mother and lost the trust of everyone around you. I have gone through much pain from the loss of my father & my brother.

I wanted you to have a copy of our fathers military records. I have supplied copies to our sisters. I felt that you too should have a copy of them. I found them very difficult to read as I was able to see how badly daddy suffered and how incredibly painful it must have been for our mother. She had a husband who was dying, no income, no education, she was ill with lupus herself (even though she did not know it at the time), a son in jail and four daughters to care for. Our mother went through hell and survived. I doubt You or I would have done so well if we were in her place. The saddest part about all of this is our father suffered greatly and in my opinion should not have died if he had been treated properly.

They say that whatever you give out in this life comes back to you. I pray that you will start to repay your debt... before it is too late. . I am sad for you as you are without your family because we can not trust you. I love you but will not allow you to ever get close enough to me to hurt me ever again. I have a new family and a wonderful husband whom I have been married to for 12 yrs. I can not allow you back into my life for fear that you will try to destroy us. If you would molest your own children what would stop you from hurting mine. I can not trust you... I want to trust you but I can not... because I have seen no steps of repentance on your part. I am forced to mistrust you because of your continued action hurt people. I don't even know if you know how to repent. It is a process that everyone must go through if they are to change and grow from their mistakes. Without repentance, you do not grow mentally or spiritually. Repentance opens the door to growing up and having peace in your life despite the fact that you have made mistakes.

The steps of repentance are... 1. Accepting that what you have done is wrong. 2. Sincerely asking for forgiveness from God and the person(s) you have hurt. 3. Doing everything in your power to right the wrong including going to the police and telling the truth. 4. Accept the consequences of your actions willfully. 5. Never do it again.

You have never even told me you were sorry for what you have done. This tells me that you have not repented from what you did to me or my sisters.

You have hurt so many people... I want you to take a moment and think of their faces... how many tears have you caused...?

Momma Daddy My sisters Me Your 2nd ex-wife and your children with her that you molested Your friend who killed himself because you had an affair with his wife and she was disfellowshipped for it. Your other ex-wives All the people you have extorted & blackmailed (including family) All the people you've cheated & stolen from (including family) All the married women you've slept with and destroyed their marriages All the people you've got hooked on drugs & alcohol and God knows how many others.

You have effected so many lives for the negative. I almost killed my self as a child and later in life as a adult because of your molesting me made me feel so dirty and ugly. Fortunately I did not succeed. I had to go through years of therapy to get past these feelings of dirtiness.

Ray...None of us live forever... and sooner or later you will have to repent for what you have done or pay the price for your actions. I know that if you do not try to change, when your time on this earth is up you will be on your knees begging for forgiveness at the feet of our Savior Jesus Christ. If you have not changed your life, Jesus will look upon you with pity and say I am sorry...I can do nothing for you. You will be forced to face the pain you have caused others with "TOTAL CLARITY" and then my dear brother...you will weep and gnash your teeth. This will truly bring you to the depths of hell in your own heart.

I for one do not want to see this happen to you. I love you. You are my brother. You were born from the same parents I was... I loved my parents despite there faults and I love you despite yours. Love is not conditional upon a persons actions. Unfortunately association is.

I know that people can change... and it is not too late for you. Jesus forgave the harlot, he forgave the thief, he forgave the aristocrat, he can forgive you.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to grow up and stop being a selfish self- centered child. We are all born with a selfish streak that is put in us for survival... baby's cry until they get what they need. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood we learn to set aside this selfishness for the betterment of everyone around us and when we do this we grow up. We learn that the world doesn't revolve around our needs, wants and desires. We learn that others have rights, needs and feelings. We learn to be part of the solution in this world instead of part of the problem. We learn to help others... not for what we can get out of it but rather because we want to really help our fellow man. Your time is well overdue. You are not a young man anymore.... you are old. There is nothing worse than meeting a old... selfish, greedy, uncompassionate person. These types of people are the shame of humanity. They represent everything ugly and dark about in this world.

I pray that you will accept that what you have done is wrong, that you will honestly ask God to forgive you, and change your life so that you will never destroy another persons life... as you almost did mine.

God loves you... no matter how bad you have been. He feels sad when he looks down upon you and sees all your wounds that cover your soul.... that have been given to you and you have inflicted upon yourself. I ask you to think about what I have said and go to God in prayer and ask him if what I have said is true. It's up to you... it is your life to waste or change. I will continue to pity you if you choose to waste your remaining time.

Your Sister,

Tamar

I am writing on my own, without my cousin or aunt knowing it. Many years ago my cousin was molested by someone in the congregation. She later ended up losing faith in this organization and left the truth because of the lack of love and holding to Bible standards she saw within the organization. This has torn up my aunt, as well as my own family.

What bothers me is more than just the fact that she was molested, but also that the organization threatened my relatives with disfellowshipping if they discussed the matter with anyone, on the grounds that such would be slander, and slanderers need to be removed from the congregation. Only one problem here though: the brother admitted to the molesting, so slander is not possible here in this case.

Now a brother down in Kentucky is taking a stand with the hope that the Organization will make the necessary reforms, and all the organization can do is send in three highly trained elders to deal with him. What they should be doing is changing the way they have treated people with such problems, and not threaten people with disfellowshipping every time their method of doing things is questioned. If they are not infallible as they say they are not, why do they take such exception when individuals speak up about things that are wrong? It's hard to believe that Jesus and his apostles would have behaved in such a fashion.

Hopefully, Dateline will put the fear of God into these individuals in Brooklyn , NY , who apparently believe that the truth needs to be told to only those who are entitled to it. So they see world authorities as not being those entitled to the truth. What a load of crap! We call this organization the truth. Well, truth should be the number one priority, not damage control. People in the world can tell when someone is hiding the facts. Mr. Brown, wake up! The world is not as dumb as you think, and neither are we! We want this organization to do well, but the handling of the molestation and other issues is an embarrassment to all of those who identify with this organization.

It is my hope that people in this organization will start following their Bible trained conscience and do what is right rather than always examine things through Watchtower color lenses. The brothers in New York may be good men, but can be wrong from time to time. They can't guarantee any human everlasting life. They can't even guarantee their own everlasting life. The Bible says "Do not put your trust in nobles, nor in the Son of earthling man." Does this scripture not also include those who worship the true God, and yet make mistakes? Jehovah will give us all an accounting, never can we blame or credit a person or organization for what we ourselves are guilty of. Neither do they seem eager to admit when they are wrong, using terms like 'new light' and 'adjustment'.

Brothers, just be straight with us, enough of the mumbo jumbo. You tap dance real well, how about just getting to the point!

You sent those three MTS graduates into Kentucky to control the damage. How about starting at home with a major clean up!

C A

Statement by Brother Brown: "When we are contacted, we tell elders if they are in a state where (reporting pedophilia) is required," he said. "We want to make sure we are legally compliant." MY COMMENT: The word "if" again. Christians are morally responsible to report abuse, no matter what state they are in.

Brown said he is aware that numerous cases have been posted on Internet sites such as www.silentlambs.org or www.freeminds.org detailing pedophilia within the Jehovah's Witnesses church. MY COMMENT: Mr. Brown didn't need to look into any Internet sites to know this information, he only had to open his eyes.

But he maintains most of the stories were posted by people who underwent

abuse back in the 1980s, when all of society was grappling with the issue. MY COMMENT: Excuse me, but my daughter's sexual abuse was made known in 1990 and so was my sister's sexual abuse..we were told it wasn't mandatory for the elders to report the abuse (even though I had already gone to the authorities, but the statute of limitations was up for the girls) I sincerely thought the elders would be more supportive as far as standing behind me to try to press charges against my ministerial servant husband, at the time. Sure some of the elders comforted me with scriptures, but soon after, I was made to feel like I was a burden to them, at one point after warning families in the hall of my husband activities, I was told to remain silent about the abuse or I would be marked by the congregation, I was told if I continued to cause division in the hall, I would be disfellowshipped (I was not the sexual abuser, mind you, but I would be df'd) Since my husband confessed (after he was exposed) and since two witnesses (two separate incidents by two separate victims came forward in statements written by them and sent to our hall and the legal dept.) I felt for sure that there would be justice and some closure to the abuse, but instead a judicial meeting was held, were an elder asked my husband in front of me very embarrassing questions such as (please forgive me if I offend

anyone, as that is not my intent) the elder asked him what he did to the

girls, my husband stated he touched them on their buttocks..the elder said with what? he said his hands and his penis..the elder asked him did he try to sodomize them, was this his intent? My husband said no..so the elder asked him was his penis pointed to the side, or was it pointed down or straight ahead? Was it near the site of entry? Did he penetrate them? My husband answered..it was straight ahead. I said he also tried to have oral sex with them..He confessed that on occasions he licked them. I knew he had taken my sisters hand to touch himself..he admitted to that also. After all of these questions, the two letters, the confession and the holding back of other

serious incidents (which my daughter and sister said he did not confess to) he was not disfellowshipped!!! Yet I, a Christian mother, would be df'd for righteously warning other families with young children and teens. I was truly discouraged and on the verge of a nervous breakdown was put on antidepressants, and continued until this day to be in emotional pain due to this outcome. I was told by the elders, my husband was not a wicked man, but he had a weakness for young children!!!

Brother Browns statement: "Regrettably, many children probably were molested," he said.

He said the church has made strong policy changes since then, including taking suspected or convicted pedophiles out of any position in the church, MY COMMENT: I would like to know what strong policy changes there have been to protect the children in the org? I would like to know why I was told my ex husband would never hold a position in the hall, he would not be allowed to volunteer for projects? But as we all know, as well as you Mr. Brown, if my ex-husband displays above average conduct and attends all meetings, he just may be able to hold a position in the hall. I demand to know, if the congregation that he is attending has been warned of his crimes of sexual abuse? According to

professional statistics, unless a child molester has had intensive therapy (intensive, not just going to a therapist sister a few times) he will molest again! Is the WT org. keeping a close watch over these perverts or are they allowing them to go door to door to unsuspecting householders? Does the family sitting next to a confessed child molester, know that he is a child molester? I strongly feel that my daughter, sister, my sons and myself and all of members of our family as well as his, were affected by his ungodly abuse and as long as this man is not disfellowshipped and the Watchtower (or whichever entity they call themselves) does not support and validate the

victims/survivors of abuse, morally report abuse, give full disciplinary

action, along with helping the authorities to prosecute all sexual abusers, the WT is condoning and protecting the abusers rather than the abused!!

Until something is done to protect our children and help in the prosecution of known child molesters..all those who do not help in this fight for child abuse awareness and prevention are blood guilty before God. Sexual abuse is murder to the spirituality of the victim!!!!! signed a co-survivor from Queens, NY

My father died in an airplane crash when I was six. My mom was so poor (times were different then, we got commodities not food stamps, and we went to a welfare clinic to be seen, you took a number and no matter how sick you was you sat all day until your number came up)the situation was more than my mom could cope with so as a matter of convenience she married this man, he was 32 yr old JW bachelor when they got married, he had money so he built my mom a new house with all new things to go inside of it. Through his family he had power, as he was one of three sets of twins, all his brothers were elders and had high positions in the organization. When he started to molest his step children, it seemed no one wanted to listen. His brothers, his mother, his father, my own mother chose to look the other way and ignore the signs something was wrong and as a result failed to do what was needed to keep the molestations from continuing. This went on for five yrs until someone finally listened, but when the elders reviewed the situation they decided to put the blame on the children, the reason given was because we ran thru the house partially clothed, which was considered a temptation for this man's sexual appetite. As a result he was only given private reproof so the congregation was not informed. The molestations continued until one night at the age of fifteen I turned my anger outward and beat up my mother for her inaction and not keeping me or my siblings safe. I went out and became promiscuous my rebellion was fueled by anger because at least this way I felt like I was doing something normal in my life. I was disfellowshipped from the congregation, got reinstated and then df'd again. I held all this anger inside of me for all those years, one day it overpowered me and I had a nervous break down, it was then I realized I could not walk around it I had to go right through it. I encourage all who are faced with a similar situation to face the pain and get the appropriate help in the way of counseling and or medication to help you to go thru it, do it now and get it behind you, life will be so much happier if you do. I am living proof you can do this. You must do this or your children will grow up with the same emotional baggage you carry, children do learn what they live. HM

~~~~~~~ you can grumble that roses have "thorns", or you can be glad that thorns have "roses" ~~~~~~~

Why the persecution? The persecution is from the people who claim to be my family. Ironic, the only way they can make themselves feel good is to heap judgment on me, for you see, if the real truth ever be known, it would place my Mother in her correct light, as a mindless, heartless, follower. It would also expose her. Sad, that this woman who refers to herself as my loving mother, only wanting the best for me, will not humble herself to see the truth. She says that I am a liar, because I remember one of her pioneer friends fondled me when I was three, and he says that he didn't. I guess that is what a loving Mother in the Jehovah's Witness religion does. Hurt your children to save face with the Organization. She can keep her "secure" little world...never in my life have I met such a judgmental group of people. Now THERE is a word for anyone who has eyes to see....JUDGMENTAL...isn't the guy who "invented" this cult referred to as Judge Rutherford? Isn't it a tactic of the Watchtower to use their cult followers MINDS, in order to keep them in FEAR so they will not leave? Sad....just real sad.

L.L.

I have been on your mailing list for sometime and have on a regular basis read the many stories of abuse. It has just taken time for me to tell mine. In no way is it as horrible as what has happened to many of your "little lambs". Still, it has effected me deeply.

I was born into the JW faith in 1972. My mother was a devoted JW and my father was not. They had many marital problems. I cannot blame my mother for everything as my father had a drinking problem at the time which led to a lot of fighting. The fact that he was a Detroit police officer didn't help. Anyway, they ended up in divorce. My mother remarried a brother in good standing who had also been divorced from a worldly woman. I was very happy with this. I was nice having a father around and he did many things with us.

However the fact that we were seeing our worldly father made things difficult. We went through custody battles for almost 3 years. By the time I was in 1st grade I had the beginnings of ulcers and actually passed out in class from the stress. I finally asked my father to let my step father adopt me when I was 8 because I felt that was what Jehovah would want (uhm, wonder where I got an idea like that from) which he consented to. So now we were a happy family right? Far from it. From the time my mother remarried my step father took the role of the disciplinarian. In other words the beatings. Not spankings, he used a 2 x 4, or a wooden cutting board. Not on a regular basis but enough. To this day I still don't own a wooden cutting board.

The last time he hit me I was 13. He thought I was lying (my sister told him I was because she was mad at me) about watching soap operas. I finally admitted to it - after being told for almost 45 min I better admit - just so he would leave me alone. I should have never said yes. My mother just sat there and watched w/tears running down her cheeks. Never said a word. I hated her for that. That was the last time. The first time I was 5 1/2 or 6. We were on a long trip hope from some friends. I was laying down in the back seat of our station wagon looking at the fogged up windows. I started pretending to write in the windows w/my older sister (we new better then to actually do it) that was a big mistake. We got the 2 x 4 when we got home, his reason, I didn't hang up my coat and I shouldn't have done that in the car. My mind was blown. Not only had I never felt pain like that it didn't make sense.

I was baptized when I was 12 and pioneered every summer. I was the perfect child. Until the time I was 13 and was hit for the last time. Do you know why he never hit me again? Two weeks later I ran away and was put into protective custody for a month while the authorities looked into the matter. I then found out my step sister's mother had taken my step father to court for the same thing when my step sister was only 3 or 4. Unfortunately since I had no bruises left there was no proof but he was told if he was ever taken to court again by one of his kids he would go to jail. I ended up having to study w/another elders wife for having spiritual problems. The funny thing is we never talked about what happened.

As I got a little older my step fathers attitude changed. One day I was going to lay in the sun (in my VERY modest swimsuit) as I walked by him he said "Why are you walking around here dressed like that, you know I am not your real father, how do you think that makes me feel?" I almost fell over.

First of all he was my father and how in the world could he be feeling? Well obviously it was my fault. Then one night when I was sleeping the light from the hallway woke me up because my door was being opened. I laid real still and didn't move pretending I was still sleeping. It was a hot summer night and my upstairs room would be sweltering so many of nights I would take off my shirt in my sleep. My "father" walked in and began feeling my stomach and then my chest and then left. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do or how to think. The next morning at breakfast I asked if anyone had been in my room because I thought I remembered the light in the middle of the night.

My step father got nervous and said he had just been checking to see if I was covered up? IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER??? So why didn't he cover me? I tried to talk to my mom about what had happened but she got real mad and just said I had misunderstood my dad. We had always been raised that by being a submissive, modest woman or young woman, you would not invite problems w/men. Kind of like it was my fault he liked to see me in a swim suit. I know this will sound strange but I still dream about it and wake up not being able to remember the whole dream, kind of like I still cannot remember everything. My step father was an elder at the time and my mom a full time pioneer. He is now a PO. I stayed at home and was the perfect angel because my step father told me he would put me in a girls home if I ever ran away again and since he was now my legal father my biological father could do nothing about it. 2 months before I turned 17 I ran away again. I knew in the state of Michigan once you turned 17 the police wouldn't make you go home. I just couldn't wait the 2 extra months. I found myself the first boy interested in me had sex and ran back to the elders so I would be disfellowship and be away from my family. It worked. I moved in w/ a girlfriend and her parents. Trying to be a teenager w/the kind of problems I had was not easy. I experimented w/drinking. Every teenager does it but it had a bad outcome for me. I was a one of my first parties and drank so much that when it hit me I passed out. I do not remember anything until I woke up the next morning. I couldn't find my clothes. I had been raped. However, due to my upbringing it was over a year before I realized this and I still never had the courage to come forward. I wish I had. I found out this one guy I went to school with had a habit of going to parties late at night and taking advantage of girls who were passed out. I thought it was my fault though because I was the one drunk and if I had been sober I could have said no.

I am now 29 am married and have 2 wonderful boys. I have enough self confidence now that I did take another man to court who tried to force himself on me when my husband and I were spending the night at his house. I won! No one made me feel like it was my fault for being in his house. He was the one who came into my room when my husband and I were sleeping and took his cloths off and tried to take advantage of me. He will now have to register on the Michigan Sexual Offenders list for the rest of his life and has just gotten off of 5 years probation, counseling, community service and large fines not to mention a lawyer bill of over $20,000.00

I have been out of the org. for 13 yrs now and although it has taken time have a wonderful life. Maybe one day I will confront my family. Time will tell.

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

In my twenty years of private practice as a licensed therapist in the Bay Area, I worked with many women, especially lesbians, who had been sexually abused as children by elders, sometimes by their own family members. In almost every case the victim, now an adult, was unwilling to prosecute, because of fear of estrangement by her own family. Though most made progress, their recovery was never truly completed, due to the powerful grip the JW still had in their lives. In some cases, the abuse was known by the mother of the child, and certain other elders, but no meaningful action was taken to protect the child, or punish the offender. What seems different about this group of women, as compared to others abused as children, is the intensity of the power and fear the fellowship still has in their lives, years after they have ceased their religious practice.

My mother has been one of Jehovah's Witnesses for many years. I was raised as on e of Jehovah's Witnesses. When I was 15 I was sent to the JW school in located in Arizona. The name of the school is New World Education Center. I was very shy and didn't have friends. The principal of the school (an elder at one time) was married to the 4th grade teacher. This couple decided I needed to receive more affection and they befriended me. They bought me gifts, took me out to eat, to movies, miniature golf, etc. I felt as though I had a friend. My mom thought it was great for me to be with them because my father died when I was three. She thought this couple would be a good example for me. The sexual abuse started when I was 15 and lasted until I was 20. That probably sounds weird because I should have been old enough to know better, but at that time, my mind was confused by this couple's games. They played mind games with me and I was constantly confused and angry.

When I was 20 I finally told my mom what was going on. She reported it to the elders in our congregation. They reported it to this couple's congregation. I went through a meeting with all of the elders explaining the situation. I was crying and very upset. It was horrible for me. The elders said nothing to comfort me. I was told I should not report it to the police because it might bring reproach upon Jehovah's organization. My mom told me that. This couple admitted what I accused them of. They admitted to doing everything. They were put on private reproof. That was it. They were free to do this again to another child. I felt very let down. I might as well not have reported it. I quit going to meetings after this situation. I have not been able to trust the organization since then.

My mother tells me that I should forgive them and that not everybody in the organization is like that. I have felt so alone for so long. Then I found this website and realized I am not the only one. I was very shocked. I think something should be done. But what??

We live in Ocala , Fl. My twin sons were molested by a brother in good standing. He had been a ministerial servant, but had stepped down. The elders were interested in speaking with the boys when this was first reported. They offered us their support. Only one elder has come back to visit to see how we are doing and that was about 2 years ago. They said this is such a shock to them as they have never had to handle such a thing before they just didn't know what to do. It was a terrible thing. And that was that.

The man has not been disfellowshipped or any announcement made because he refuses to talk to the elders. Over the years he had studies with many young boys and still has access to then if he chooses. Many of the adults and elderly in the congregation have expressed doubt about the boys abuse. The boys moved to another state to live with their older brother and his wife. Their own father, (we are divorced) a ministerial servant, tried to persuade the boys to tell the state attorney that it was all a misunderstanding, it did not really happen, they were confused! He told them they needed to protect Jehovah's good name as there is enough bad publicity about witnesses already. This was despicable. And shouldn't Jehovah be able to protect his own good name? The boys have chosen to no longer have a relationship with their father, they are 18 yrs. old now.

One of the twins was also raped by another boy from the kingdom hall, he was two yrs older than my son and about 3 times his size. This was reported also. The boy denied it. He still attends meetings and is in good standing. His sister admitted to me that he was molested by his older step brother when he was about 8 to 10 years old. This is the same story my son told the police the boy told him. The family stood behind their son and denied he could have done this to my son all along knowing he had been abused for years by his older step brother who is now in prison for dealing drugs.

This also went through the elders who did nothing as the boy denied to them he did this. I later found out these were the same elders that knew of the boys abuse at the hands of his stepbrother. If that had been handled correctly my child would have never been raped.

I am telling our story in the hope that it will help you to be more aware of this huge problem and never let your children out of your sight whenever possible, the only place they are really safe is with you. I was told this by the victims advocate. She has seen so much abuse by so many that is now her opinion and I tend to agree with her.

I have been following your story for some time now. As a former Witness, I appreciate all you have been through. Your courage will certainly help others deal with child molesting.

I was brought up in "The Truth" since I was 9 years old (1955). I was a child prodigy, giving a bible reading at a circuit assembly when I was 10, a Vacation Pioneer during my summer breaks, first hour talk at 16, full-time Pioneer after graduating, ministerial servant and all the rest.

I am very strong-willed but I believed the Witness teaching completely. I married at 19 and had 4 children with my wife, also brought up as a Witness. My brother, 7 years younger, married a 15 year old girl and came to find out her stepfather, an Elder in the L. G., California congregation had been having intercourse with her from age 7 - 13. He also had sodomized her brother during this period.

He now resides in Oregon . Although many teenagers knew of this tragedy at the time of its occurrence, he was never removed as an elder. Meanwhile, my brother, his wife and her brother all were disfellowshipped at some point. My wife had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. We subsequently divorced after I quit the religion.

My mother, who lives in Oregon called me last year to tell me that the molester was finally removed as an Elder. More than 30 years after he first raped his daughter! My mother, a devoted Witness, remarked how wonderful it is that Jehovah bring justice in his due time! Bizarre that anyone could believe such a deception.

Our family was fortunate to not have suffered at the hands of a child molester, but nonetheless we became involved in the quagmire by helping a little child who was molested.

In contrast to JR Brown's comments about most of the poorly handled incidents happening in the 1980's, the pedophile's return to the congregation related below happened less than one year ago.

In our large metropolitan congregation a teenage boy molested a pre-school child; both children were JW's. The child went to the parents right after the incident and was taken to the hospital for a rape test. The police were contacted. When the Presiding Overseer was telephoned he told the parents he wished they had not called the police. This occurred in a state requiring reporting by clergy therefore this was not good advice.

The boy was arrested, confessed and sentenced to one year in Juvenile Hall. His parents moved to a different hall.

Once the boy was released from detention the situation changed. The parents of the boy desired to return to the original Kingdom Hall, the one the little victim and family attended. Although four different congregations met in the building the elders approved their request to attend with the victim.

The victim's family was shocked to see the pedophile at the same hall and approached the elders about the situation; the victim's family was told that they could change halls.

The mother of the victim reasoned that her child should not be made to feel ashamed, or any way guilty and forced to leave friends in the hall. This did not influence the elders to protect the innocent child.

I have read JR Brown's comments to the effect that parents are not punished for reporting assault to the police. As the nation found it necessary for President Clinton to define basic terms, possibly Mr. Brown would like to define “not punished”. The pedophiles presence in the same hall as the victim seemed designed to intimidate and harass the family.

Thus began our involvement, we were sickened by this matter so we talked to the elders, the circuit overseer, we wrote letters to members of the body of elders, to the circuit overseer, to Watchtower.

We watched as members of the congregation, including the elder's wives ran up and hugged the boy after his incarnation. Did any know why he was gone for a year or that the little victim and her parents had to stand silently by as they hugged the assailant?

How could one congregation support a victim and a pedophile?

Why has not a talk been given warning the congregation about this boy? He is a registered sex offender on probation. The boy's psychiatrist testified to the court that the boy had previously molested two other children. These victims were not named and apparently the boy had not been prosecuted for those assaults. Were the other victims Witness children? Did the elders beforehand know the boy was a molester and dangerous? We were not given these answers.

The boy's parent's have many friends in the congregation with young children, have they been warned we asked? No, we were informed the elders would not be warning them. The boy actually was sitting at the meetings holding an infant daughter of another witness family.

One young family with two children spent much time with the pedophile. The father was warned, and he immediately called the Presiding Overseer and the pedophile's father to verify the story. After speaking to them, he told the victim's father, that he did not wish to choose sides. Choose sides for what? Just know the facts and protect your precious children. What was he told? We don't know but the elders waged a covert dis-information campaign against the innocent family.

We asked do you know the boy's parents are lying about why he was arrested and imprisoned? . The pedophile's father actually called a member of our family and told them that their son had not been convicted of the charge. We found this rather improbable as the State's Sex Offenders website clearly showed he was a registered offender convicted of Aggravated Sexual Assault of a four year child.

We asked do you realize if anyone hears the truth the pedophiles family then slanders the victim by saying the charges were false? Believe it or not the elder's admitted they knew this and had told the pedophiles father he needed to be more truthful. Of course he wasn't. The elder's could have put a stop to the rumor mill and slander against the victim by simply giving a talk on sexual assault.

We personally visited three elders involved the matter at their homes. Even here they continued to stonewall on why they would not give a talk about child molestation, or ask the boy to change halls or make an effort to support the victim. The circuit overseer replied with a little note saying to pray for the families.

Finally our letter must have reached the right people at Watchtower, and two elders were sent to silence us.

One elder, a man we had known for eighteen years, didn't even attempt to pretend this was the biblical. He told us was a “ Company Man. ” We were told not to talk about it to anyone anymore.

The elders actually told us that the two different stories circulating in the congregation were confusing people. Even family members were being divided they said, some believing that the boy was a pedophile, others believing that he was innocent. Most people believed it was a rumor as the elders clearly supported the boy and treated the victim's family with disdain.

I had the impression that because the little victim had not been brought before the Watchtower Inquisitors and the boy had been convicted in the courts of law rather than by a judicial committee they did not have to view him as guilty. He had not confessed to the elders, they were offered the court transcript of his confession but they refused to read it. I have read JR Brown's recent remarks to the effect that the congregation handles sin and the secular authorities handle criminal activity, this must be a new development.

Soon a local needs talk was given. Was the talk on “Protecting your Children” no the talk was on forgiveness. The congregation needed to understand it was mandatory to violate common sense and conscience. Points NOT covered include: Is a four year old capable of an intangible concept like forgiveness, or rather just traumatized by the molester's presence? Will other children be protected from a serial sex offender by covering over the transgression? The body of elders gave no consideration to the trauma heaped on this family, on this innocent child, and they never supported them.

JR Brown has made the statement that seeing a male not be serving in a leadership role would alert members "he obviously lacks spiritual maturity." We find this revolting as the most decent, courageous men we have known in the last few years have refused a leadership role.

After all if you can take good men, husbands, fathers, grandfathers who already know that child molesting is wrong and train them to over ride their conscience what value is a “spiritual education”?

We were angry to be forced to be quiet, sickened that our religious beliefs should be used against us for evil. It seems if the body of elders wishes to engage in unethical behavior that is their decision, but should they attempt to intimidate others to go along with them? We are extremely sad to realize that after nearly thirty years in the organization our concerns do not merit an answer, merely a threat to silence

First of all, thank you! Seeing the "truth" come out on Dateline last night was inspiring. I have often felt so alone concerning this issue. I was 16-years-old when I was disfellowshipped. My first real memory of being molested by my stepfather was when I was 11. But, there were times before that (my step-father has admitted it started when I was 4...I don't remember anything before age 11). I told my mom about the molestations when I was 12. She cried, asked me what I had done to cause it, then realized what she was saying, cried some more, and eventually called the elders. They put him on public reproof because he was repentant. It wasn't reported to the police.

Coincidentally (?), we moved to another city less than a year later, when I was 13. The new congregation wasn't informed of his status as being on public reproof. My Mom would wander the hallway at night...watching him. Trying to make sure he wouldn't do anything else. Sometimes she blamed me. Sometimes she blamed him. We had a lot of "family discussions" late at night, after my younger siblings (2 half brothers and 1 half sister -- who I love like my own children) had gone to bed. I once told him, “If you ever do anything like that to my sister, I will make sure you go to jail.” His response was, “I could never do something like that to my own daughter.” On another evening, my mother asked him, “Do you love T?” He responded, “No.” Just a simple word…but it still haunts my thoughts and dreams. And, although he had stopped molesting me...he would look at me sometimes, sexually...with an aggressiveness that only I saw...he made sure of that.

When I was 13, I got baptized. I thought I was doing it for myself. But, when I got out of the water at Jack Murphy Stadium and looked around for my parents, they were nowhere to be found. I soon found out that they were in an argument and had gone back to the camper (we were camping overnight in the parking lot of the stadium for the convention). I was devastated that they hadn't been there to congratulate me and hug me like all the other parents when I got out of the water. I later found out they were arguing because my mom didn't want him to see me in my bathing suit. I began to have my doubts about my chosen faith that very day.

When I was 15, I fell in love with a boy at my high school. It was my junior year and I soon began to realize that this boy was my best friend. I started to question how a "worldly" person could be my best friend...and the people who were supposed to be my friends were so distant.

That same year, my stepfather made another physical advance. He sat down next to me on the couch in the living room one day. I was reading a book. He touched my foot. I, being the ever-enduring optimist, thought to myself, "Maybe he's finally trying to be a real dad. Maybe this is what real dad's do." (I never really knew my real dad...and I constantly questioned my doubts about my stepfather's repentance.) He said something to me. I don't remember what. He began to slide his hand up my leg toward my thigh. Of course, I knew then his intentions weren't to be a "real" dad. I froze, like a deer in headlights. I didn't move a muscle. I was scared. I was angry. But, I was completely frozen in place. Fortunately, right then, my little sister walked in the room. She was just three years old. He stopped himself, jumped up, and ran out of the room.

A few weeks later he found out about my boyfriend. One of my Jehovah's Witness friends had turned me in. A family meeting was called. My stepfather berated me for hours in front of my siblings. I had just gotten off a 6-month restriction for some things I had written in my diary and some letters I had written to friends. Now I was facing another year or so of being restricted to the house except for school and meetings. So, I did what any normal 16 year old would do -- I ran away from home.

A few weeks later, when my mom found out where I was staying, she called me and told me she didn't want me to come back home. She said she thought I was safer out of the house. But, she insisted that I talk with the elders. She would call me constantly for weeks on end, saying things like, "You can't just walk away from the truth. You have to make a decision. You're either in or you're out. You can't sit on the fence."

During this time, my boyfriend was my rock. He was my best friend. He was the only person who stood by my side, despite all the insanity whirling around me. For a young, quiet, independent 16-year-old girl, he was my everything. I trusted him more than anyone else I had ever known. I slept with him. It felt right. It felt like something worthwhile. It felt meaningful. I had already decided I didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness anymore. I was very prepared and we used plenty of protection. I needed someone to love me. Just for me. Wholeheartedly. He was all of those things. To this day, I do not regret one moment I spent with him.

I met with the elders a few weeks later, admitted that I had had sex with my boyfriend. I also informed them about the latest attempt my stepfather had made at touching me. They weren't aware of the previous attempts or of the public reproof. I said, even though he hadn't completed a sexual act against me this time, it was clear what his intentions were and I couldn't live at home any longer. Once they had a basic idea of some of the things that had happened to me as a child by his hand, the elders didn't care to discuss the issue about my stepfather anymore. They said they wanted to finish discussing the "topic at hand", which, of course, was my having had sex with my boyfriend. I said I wasn't repentant and was disfellowshipped three days later. Needless to say, I didn't attend that meeting. My stepfather was a ministerial servant and remained one after I left.

9 months passed. I was living with a friend, working full-time in the evenings, and living out my senior year in high school. Eventually, the lady I was staying with wanted her place to herself again. I was only 17 so I couldn't sign a rental agreement. I was struggling to find another place to live. I was a mess emotionally. But, I had a 3.8 GPA and was attending school regularly. I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I didn't do drugs. But, I had nowhere to go.

At my boyfriend's suggestion, I began to see the on-campus school therapist. I was fairly severely depressed at having lost contact with my family (I missed my younger brothers and sister immensely), having lost my faith in God, having lost all of the friends I had ever known (outside of school), having to worry about where I was going to live, and at having to make such huge decisions about my life at such a young age.

I had no idea my school therapist would be forced to inform Social Services about the molestation when I told her about it. She reported it. Social Services stepped in. When they went to my parent's house, they found my 10-year-old brother babysitting my 3-year-old sister and my 1-year-old brother. They were going to take them away for neglect when my mother returned from her daily requirements of door-to-door work. She was a pioneer. They didn't take the kids away. They determined my parents were competent. Of course, in front of Social Services, my mother made no mention that she didn't want me to live there any more. Everything was peachy-keen and she wanted me to come home and be with my family.

Social Services forced me to move back home (they said if I didn't, I would "go to jail as a runaway"). They set up therapy sessions for my stepfather and I to attend. He went to a meeting with the therapist they assigned and I went to a meeting with the same therapist later the same week. The therapist told me he was very concerned for my safety and he was writing up a report about it. My stepfather didn't allow me to go back to that therapist. He told me he had FIRED him. Social Services never once checkup up on me. And I never heard anything more about the report that was supposedly being written up about my safety, or lack-thereof.. My stepfather then hired a Jehovah's Witness therapist. I went once, realized the guy was a witness, and never went back.

During this time, I am disfellowshipped but being forced to attend meetings. I would sit in the back of the Kingdom Hall. I did not sit with my family. I would drive my own car (which I had purchased on my own), walk in at the beginning of the meeting, and leave just as it ended. This was pure torture. These people who had been my only friends for most of my life, had become blank, emotionless faces. People I had loved and cared about now acted as if I did not exist. They appeared afraid to look at me. Afraid of me...a 16-year-old girl who had simply found someone who loved her. It sounds sappy...but it's the truth. Of course, I had plenty of psychological issues at this point. I craved love like a dog craves his master's attention. But, I wasn't a rebellious kid. I wanted to respect my parents. While I lived in their home, I did what they told me to do...including attending meetings. But, I moved out again at the very first opportunity...3 months later (a few days after my high school graduation). My stepfather did not attend my graduation. We had lived in the same house for three months, but we did not speak to each other (unless he was yelling at me for something).

That summer, I lived with friends, worked many jobs, and signed my first rental agreement the week I turned 18. Interestingly enough, that same year, my family moved again to another city and another congregation. I'm not sure what happened after that point. But, about 5 years later, my mother became a severe alcoholic, left my stepfather and the witnesses, and actually went to jail for 7 months on alcohol related charges. (Fortunately, she is now in recovery and has been sober for over 2 years.) My stepfather left the congregation soon after my mother left him. I hope and pray that no one else has fallen victim to his attentions. He's now dating a girl that he works with. None of my siblings attend meetings anymore. Only one of them knows that their father molested me. My mother told my brother about it in a drunken stupor one night. He hasn't dealt with the news very well. So, I haven't told the other two. Interestingly enough, all of them simply "walked away." None of them were harassed into talking to the elders about their "sins." They're all "sitting on the fence," which is perfectly fine with me. I think the fence gives us a nice vantage point. None of them have been disfellowshipped or disassociated.

I'm 30 now. I put myself through college. At first I didn't think I could go to a "real" college. So, I went to a junior college and received a certificate in Accounting/Bookkeeping and another to be a Nurse's Assistant. I then realized that I could probably get student loans and go to a 4-year school. So, I did. I soon received my AA in General Studies, BA in Literature & Writing, and MS in Forensic Science. I am now happily married and working for a software company as a Technical Writer. I also recently started my own business.

But, I still struggle with faith. I would like to find a religion I can trust. I would like to have an innocent faith in God. But, my heart is deeply scarred. Regardless of that, my only regrets concerning this entire ordeal are at not taking my brother's and sister with me when I left home the last time. This is probably an unrealistic fantasy. But, one I harbor nonetheless. I lost a lot of years with them. They may have been better off with me, even if I was only 17. I will never know for sure. My mother, my siblings, and I are slowly mending our tattered relationships. I do not speak to my stepfather.

So, there's my story. It's not glamorous or beautiful. It's just the truth. It's my truth. Thank you for providing a forum on which to share it. Thank you for being a strong voice for victims. If there is anything I can do to help your cause, don't hesitate to ask.

my parents became witnesses when I was a little over a year old. all of my life I was raised in the truth. the truth is a funny choice for a word.

my half-brother sodomized me and performed and consequently forced me to perform oral sex on him from the time I was 7 until I was 15. my parents suspected because he'd been caught doing it to other kids in the congregation. after he'd been caught the elders in bay city (where we lived) urged my parents to keep it quiet and move to another congregation in another city. I didn't find this out until at the age of 25 I finally told my parents and my family what had happened. it was no surprise to my parents as they'd suspected it all along. I remember very specifically one night at the age of 7 when my mother sat me in her lap and asked me if my brother had been doing bad things to me. I sat in her lap, the lap in which I should have felt the safest and with tears in my eyes denied anything that was happening. I don't why I denied it, I guess because I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to be destroyed and I didn't want my parents to hate me. that evening still haunts me and still moves me to tears.

after years of therapy and learning to love myself, place the proper amount of blame on my parents and cutting off the relationship with this sibling, I think I have moved on. I am not currently a witness. I was baptized at the age of 12 and even served as a regular pioneer, but the truth was never really in my heart. on the day that I was baptized in august of 1982, my half- brother sodomized me in our hotel room after the assembly. I never felt like my baptism mean anything....how could it? I was a child who was taught things of a sexual nature that most adults don't even practice. consequently when I finally found the strength to leave the organization, I never looked back. I have found inner peace and happiness on my own.

i do not blame Jehovah for what happened. I do not my blame my parents totally. people are human, even elders are human and they make mistakes. I think the organization should step up, accept culpability for harboring the secrets and lies and deal with these situations differently in the future by immediately notifying authorities. in my mind, the organization would do better to follow "caesar's laws" as Christ instructed his disciples to do the same. only by swiftly allowing the appropriate legal authorities to take action can the organization clear it's name and Jehovah's name. if these pedophiles are sincerely repentant, they will accept their punishment from the legal authorities and the congregation and then move on. if the congregation chooses to forgive them, then so should we, but people should know so they can protect their children and the children in the congregation. it's not slander if it's true.

i have been able to build a strong relationship with parents and they are very supportive of my life, even though I have chosen not live life as a witness. I know it's hard for them to accept me as a gay adult male, but my dad has always said that Jehovah would want him to love his child as he is, or how he was instructed to be (perhaps as a victim of abuse, my sexual preference was learned, but this I 'll never know, because I had no choice in the matter) and my parents will always treat me as they always have. they are just as proud of me now as they would be if I were an elder or pioneer. I feel lucky because I know most parents would willfully and quickly disown their own children to save face in front of their "brothers and sisters".

i am also fortunate to have friends who are still witnesses that know of my abuse and have chosen to maintain our friendship and not shun me as the congregation would have them do any other non- believer or someone who has left the fold. I respect those I knew as a witness who do not wish to associate with me as well. I would not want anyone to speak to me if they felt it interfered with their relationship with Jehovah, as that is a very special thing.

other than what happened to me abuse-wise, I feel lucky to have grown up with a strong moral and religious background. I think that even though I don't live a lifestyle consistent with the organization and maybe not the lifestyle Jehovah wants for me, I will always be honest and respectful of others. I will always know right from wrong and the things I learned as a witness will always touch every aspect of my life. I pray and know that Jehovah understands the circumstances surrounding my life and that when and if this system ends, he will dispense justice to me and others like me on an appropriate level. I do not fear the end of this system of things. I will always feel love for Jehovah because he is my creator and I will always respect the organization and any witness who chooses to live their life in the preaching work and sharing their faith. I just sincerely hope that the organization does what they should do, what Jehovah would have them do, and that is to turn these molesters over to the appropriate authorities.

i hope my story helps someone, anyone, anywhere in the world.

I saw the story on dateline last night and I was shocked! My mother and I were victims of abuse for 15 years from my father. He was a ministerial servant of a congregation and both physically and verbally abused me and my mother. He also committed adultery, among many other things. My mother went to the elders on many occasions and was told that we were not being good Christians or that it was her fault that she married him. After years of abuse and adultery she divorced him and she is the one who was disfellowshipped. My father is still in good standing and is remarried. He did not attend my wedding last year and has been no part of my life since the divorce.

Those who were once our friends abandoned us once my mother filed for divorce and my father was the one who was thought to be the victim. He is still "the perfect Christian", having been caught cheating on his new wife just this past year by me and smoking by his non-witness sister recently. No one has reported these things because no one will believe me. I believe that my mother is still deeply troubled by this, since her abuser is still in good standing and she is an outcast. I wanted to thank you for letting us know that we are not alone in the cover ups and injustices.

I was abused for years by the son of an elder in our congregation. Finally, at fifteen, I was able to tell my parents what had happened to me. Naturally, my mother took me to the Kingdom Hall to address this issue with the elders, and there I was told that I needed two eye witnesses to the abuse before any consequences would be applied to my molester. Secondly, I was told that if indeed it was true at all, I would need to find forgiveness in my heart, as the bible commands me to do, and to let the Organization deal with this matter internally. My mother and I were upset by this answer, so we went to the authorities, which immediately resulted in our family being ostracized from the congregation. Several months after the legal investigation began, a grown man in his twenties approached me, also a brother in our congregation, and he shared his story of abuse as well.

He was molested at four years old by the same man who victimized me, and to make matters worse, they were caught in the act of oral sex when the father of the abuser came home. At that time a committee meeting was held, and the last the victim's parents heard from the organization was that the molester was remorseful and had repented. Furthermore, they were advised to never talk about it, and being good cult members who were afraid of being disfellowshipped and therefore "dead" in the eyes of God, they remained silent.

THIS is how the same molester was able to victimize over thirty victims over the following ten years. The legal case took five years to finally see court. As more and more victims came out of the wood work, the molester FINALLY stopped calling me a liar, and he confessed to the brothers that indeed he molested me. The elders met with me and prayed to ask God to forgive me for allowing this molestation to occur at two years old.

They prayed to God to forgive me for keeping it a secret for so many years. They prayed to God to forgive my family for our lack of faith and for what they called "bringing reproach upon Jehovah's name" by taking legal action. After saying amen, they announced that the molester was repentant, and it was proven by his confession even though he called me a liar for a year, and that now it was time to put this all behind us and focus more on attending meetings and not continuing to stumble my brothers and sisters.

I was accused of being blood guilty if any of this got around. I cried and cried and told my mother I now wanted to sue the Organization of JW's, because as far as I was concerned, it was their fault I was molested. It was their fault because they walked in on him, and caught him molesting a baby, and they silenced the family and then continued to give him access to children.

This story goes on much longer, but in the end, after FIVE YEARS of persecution by the Kingdom Hall and by my mother, I finally got my day in court. In the end, the judge ruled that the statute of limitations for my case had expired and I could not sue for damages. Criminally, the molester plea bargained and had to register as a sex offender for seven years, BUT he only served three months in county jail, and he only had to pay me $1,000 for therapy. Later, I testified for my younger brother, who also claims he was molested. The courts awarded him $500,000 from the home owners insurance of the molester. In short, this experience nearly ruined my life.

I was filled with so much rage and hatred and self loathing that I became a prostitute and pornographic model in my twenties. I had very strained relations with my mother because she threatened to disown me and refused to testify if I sued the organization. She said she would only prosecute the molester, but not God for what had happened. It has taken my mom until I was nearly thirty before she broke down and realized that her children were prostitutes , and drug addicts, and suicidal because of what she and the Watchtower Tract Society allowed to happen to babies. She realized she also helped the society to molest thousands of others after her own. My mother and I have been working hard on our relationship. We are finally friends and I can talk to her. I have finally learned to deal with my past, and who I have been, and who I am today. I am a Realtor and I have a healthy, long term relationship.... but none of it came easy. My life and emotional development was unfairly burdened, because I was never a child, and my rage and pain was so overwhelming that it caused me to turn against others... and then against myself.

This is not a sad story. I have survived and I am alive and well. I have learned to handle my rage. Somedays it is so strong that I just can't get out of bed. I sleep all day and I stay up all night. Other days I am fine. The bottom line, justice has never been served. Not yet. It wasn't served then and it has never been served upon the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society! I am a grown man now. I am not at the mercy of my mother's cult addiction, or the Organization's urgent need to seek discretion at the threat of divine damnation. I am a man who is in control, and I am angry with the rage of thousands of molested children, and I am finally ready to speak out. I see that now is the time, and I am not going to squander it. I want the world to know. I will watch this site closely, and I am going to see a lawyer, and I am going to call the television stations, and I WILL have my time in court. I will have my answer. Now it's MY turn. No, it's OUR turn. Be angry!

Embrace it proudly. Let it fuel you. Do the right thing. I love you all and you have my sympathy, compassion, and support.

My mother and my aunt experienced a situation with a "brother" in the congregation in the mid 1980's. This offending "brother" still is a member of JW's today, yet nothing has changed as he is still part of the flock of JW's. This offender had invited my mother and aunt to his home to "have a joint bible study" (with his wife included). My mother and aunt accepted unknowingly knowing that this "brother" had unclean intentions in mind. When they arrived at his home they soon realized that his wife was not at home like he told them she would be. He then proceeded to make improper advancements and started behaving suggestively. He attempted to touch my mother and aunt in improper ways, when they (mother & aunt) proceeded to exit the situation as swiftly as possible. Soon after this encounter my mother & aunt approached the elders' and told them what had happened.

The elders' basically just told my mother & aunt to "not make false accusations" against this "brother" therefore protecting the "brother" from any reprimand. As a result my mother & aunt were tormented and disturbed by the fact that this "brother" continued worshipping with the flock as though nothing had happened. The "brother" gave talks of which were directed to my (mother & aunt) about "not making false accusations" knowing very well that he had a serious problem. He used his position to take advantage of vulnerable female members of the congregation. And to this day he is still a member of JW's and nothing has been said or done to him concerning reprimand. He attends the Mcallen, Tx. Kingdom Hall in South Texas - and I'm not sure whether he is an elder now or a ministerial servant.

My mother & aunt never mentioned the situation again because they didn't want to be disfellowshipped from the flock, and outcast from the members of the congregation. I felt I needed to speak up about that encounter because enough is enough, its not right. All the elders' say is "do not make this public to anyone" and "do not make false accusations" according to the bible. That "brother's" name is Abel Rodriguez and his actions have caused pain and betrayal to my mother & aunt - including elder betrayal of the flock.

Ben Martos

In 1991 the elders were told by me and my sister that we were sexually abused by our older brother. My mother found out and I told her something needed to be done. She refused to go to the police because it would just bring shame to Jehovah's name. My brother is not a "baptized" member of the church so the elders stated they could not do anything to him. Many times they would welcome him into the kingdom hall with open arms. My mother let him back into our home even after she knew what he had done to us.

My mother would be more hard on us because we were "baptized". I told my mother that I needed help because I was suffering from depression and felt I could burst one day. She told me all I needed to do was read the bible and learn to deal with it. What seems funny to me is how my mother could not deal with the problems in her own family but could wake up every weekend and go preaching and tell people how to deal with theirs.

How can you help other families when you cant help your own? I am no longer going to church and my mother is no longer talking to me. My brother is welcome in her house as if nothing has ever happened. My lifestyle is not that of the religion. The elders told my mother not to speak to me again but she should welcome him because there is still a chance for him to come into the "truth". I am now going to a doctor for help and it is helping me cope with my problems. I hope that in time he will get what he deserves.

Back in 1977 my girlfriend and her sister were attending the local kingdom hall along with their jehovah's witness father. She confided in me that her father had been sexually molesting them for years, I went to the elders and was told that they would take care of it. However, when my girlfriend continued to be subject to this abuse, I went to the elders AGAIN and was told that it would be taken care of. After 3 repeated attempts to have the elders act on this information, they told me, it was none of my business and to leave it alone. I was only a 17yr old kid at the time and wanted to go to DSS. but my family and friends discouraged me from doing so. ( they were also jehovah's witnesses ) I was told to wait on jehovah. NOTHING happened. That's disgusting!!! What a burden to place on a 17yr old. I hope the Legal system gets involved. There are too many victims. The world outside of the Watchtower needs to know what goes on inside. There are too many cover-ups.

I am a 38 year old women. When I was young I was raped repeatedly by my brother who is a Jehovah's Witness. I did not have any specific memories of the abuse until late last year. I have been very ill for 2 1/2 years with what my doctors now call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder among several other disorders. When I approached my brother in December about the memory flashbacks I was having his reply was "It's no big deal I dealt with this stuff 15 years ago, and well you didn't kick, scream, or tell anyone so I still consider it consensual sex."

My questions to him were something to the effect of "How do you violently rape your sister and call it consentual? What do you intend to do now that I have these memories? I plan on telling anyone who will listen what type of person you really are."

His reply to the last statement was to threaten my life and to tell me to keep my mouth closed or else he would tell people that I actually started everything. This was the reply of my brother that is almost 2 years older than myself and a preaching and teaching Jehovah's Witness. The rest of my immediate family members are also Jehovah's Witnesses except for my father and so I turned to them for help and did not get what I needed.

So being someone who had been raised as a Jehovah's Witness even though I no longer go to the Kingdom Hall on a regular basis I called an Elder of another congregation that I have known since I was a child. He asked if he and another Elder could come to my house and make a Shepherding Call and I said that was fine. When they came into my home I welcomed them thinking that this was the right way to get results, but I was very, very wrong.

I was asked a lot of questions about what I remembered and I told them what I could, although many memories are still trapped and cause me an illness that I pass out from. They spoke to me about the scriptures and I listened intently waiting for them to give me some sort of comfort, instead I was asked if there was anyone who could verify what had happened all those years ago. I said no because I had been abused in my own bedroom in the middle of the night. They told me that the only thing they could do was to write a letter to the Elders of my brothers congregation and that if he deny's it then that the end of what they can do.

I no longer have any faith that anything will happen to my brother in my lifetime. I do although still have a great faith in Jehovah and his knowledge of what has happened to me. I pray daily that all of the pain trapped inside of me goes away, and with a lot of help from therapy I am making some progress in my own life.

I do still have a huge problem knowing that my brother who molested and raped his sister is on the podium on any given meeting night giving a talk to both adults but especially children on any variety of subjects.. It is my true belief that anyone who is suspected of child abuse or incest should not be allowed to teach another human being what their version of what Jehovah's word is.

I will end this by saying that I am very grateful that I am able to have Jehovah God in my life and that through his son Jesus Christ's sacrifice I may be able to keep on living even after this world is done. I am able to have this faith because I do read the bible on my own and I know that Jehovah and Jesus know all.

Thank you for giving me this place to voice not only my pain but also my faith.

I just finished watching the news release on Dateline tonight. It has been a long time in coming. I was born a Jehovah's Witness. My father was the Presiding Overseer for many years. I left the "Truth" for a few years just trying to deal with my childhood. I eventually came back as a married woman (unbelieving husband) and had two children. My sister was disfellowshipped at the age of about 18 for fornication--I found it funny that out of 5 cases she was the only one that was disfellowshipped. The presiding overseer at that time asked her multiple sexually explicit questions; for instance, "Can you explain in detail if you masturbate and how?" At another time my 10 year old girlfriend was asked by the same individual the sexual details of her disfellowshipped mother. This elder eventually lost his position because his wife at the time threatened to go to the police about his physical and sexually acts with herself and their children. He was still allowed to go door to door.

Sorry, I got sidetracked a bit. Let me get to the reason for this e-mail. My husband was sexually and physically abusive to me. I was raped, beaten, threatened to be killed, etc., etc., etc. At one point I was able to get into the car with my two babies and drive the 3 miles to my parents home. I told my mother and father (an elder) that I was going to divorce my husband. There answer to this was "I do not believe that you have grounds to do this?" I was stunned. Here I was standing in front of them barely able to walk, bleeding, and with bruises on my neck where he tried to strangle me to death. I told them I didn't care; the spiritual consequences where between Jehovah and myself. I have now spent the last six years in hiding--he always found me though. The last incident he held me and my children hostage at gunpoint. My ex told our children (4 and 5 years old) that he was going to kill mommy. Even after all of this my father would still take his phone calls and try to witness to this evil man. I have had one bad experience with individuals in different congregation after another. I still have faith and believe in some of the teachings, but I just cannot make myself to support something that is so hypercritical.

I would like to let Bill Bowen (especially Erica Garza) how proud I am for the stand they are taking against these mishaps of justice. I would like Erica to know that she is not alone and has done nothing wrong, but everything right. My heart goes to her and others like her.

Bill you are my hero, I just finished watching the expo about the judicial system in the Jehovah witness organization. I thought I was the only case. To clarify I was not a sexually abused by a member of the church, but I was beaten severely by a member. That member is my father and I was 12 years old when this happen. I remember the elders came to the house and spoke to me and my family, I was severely bruised all over my face and body. Yet they encouraged us to keep this horrendous act under wrap. My father never got expelled from the congregation, and a few years after that I was expelled from a different congregation because I stopped attending church. The only sanction that he got was not being able to make elder. Thank you so much for speaking out for us. Lots of love and God Bless.

My name is C and until I saw Dateline tonight I thought I was alone. I am a 31 year old female who was raised as a Witness the first 14 years of my life. My father (a Witness) and mother (non-believer) divorced when I was 5 and my father remarried a fellow Witness when I was 7. My stepmother had two sons from previous relationships. One son was two years younger than I and the other was eight years older than I. When they married, my stepbrother was a baptized member of the congregation. When I was 7 my stepbrother began molesting me which culminated in rape when I was 8 and he was 16. I told my Dad what had happened that same night. My Dad did not kick my stepbrother out of the house. He did not even bother to wake him. He and another brother in the congregation snuck me out of the house to the nearest emergency room.

My Dad was afraid that I might be pregnant. I was subjected to very painful examinations. A police officer asked me what happened and I told her, but nothing was done. DFACS never entered the picture. I don't know what my Dad said to the officer, but nothing was done. The next day, I was subjected to an "inquisition" conducted by the head elder of the congregation. You see, the stepbrother denied the entire incident. He eventually confessed after telling the elder that I did not scream nor did I fight as he violated me. Everyone else (including my Dad) assumed that my inaction was consent. I was read scripture after scripture on the dangers of becoming a harlot. Both my Dad and the elder counseled me not to tell my Mom because she was a non-believer and would cause trouble for the congregation. My stepbrother was not counseled, he was not disfellowshipped, and my Dad didn't kick him out of the house. I lost everything. I lost my God, my Dad, my Mom, my self-identity, my sense of security, and any self-esteem I could hope to have. My Dad eventually kicked him out almost a year later. The stepbrother had begun to steal and bring stolen items into the house. My Dad was afraid that he would be arrested because the stepbrother was still a minor living in his home. I never got any rape counseling while I lived with my Dad. I moved in with my Mom when I was 14. I was nearly 18 before I even told her what happened. I finally began rape counseling this year. Since the rape I have remained a virgin by choice. To be honest, I haven't trusted any man since the incident. The idea of marriage and children is a joke to me. To this day, I don't hate or blame all Witnesses for what happened to me. I do hold my Dad, the stepbrother, and the other elders responsible for allowing this type of evil to take root and thrive in the congregation. Didn't Jesus say that if anyone were to hurt a child that it would be easier if that person were to be thrown in the sea with a stone tied to their neck? Doesn't the Bible teach us that faith without works is dead? We can say we believe in Jehovah all we want but what good is lip service if we don't act against evil when it literally lives among us? Didn't Jesus say that "not everyone saying to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter into the kingdom of heaven"? We are no different than "the world" if we harbor and allow this type of behavior. Not to mention the brothers and sisters we stumble within the congregation and the non-believers who are discouraged from even listening to the message. Think of it like this, if we had to stand before Jehovah tomorrow, which one of us would have the audacity to stand before him and say, "I let this happen"? Didn't Jesus say, that "if your eye stumbles you, pluck it out. Better to enter the kingdom of heaven with one eye than to not enter the kingdom of heaven with two"? If we see evil, it is up to us to "pluck it out" and "wait on Jehovah" to guide us in the right action and direction. My heart and true understanding goes out to those who have suffered. I would hate to see the faith divided over the evil of some and the apathy and misplaced support of others.

I am a 48 year old woman who has survived all areas of abuse and violation from a young man I married in my congregation in 1971. He was a son of the presiding elder. His parents neglected to tell me that he had been diagnosed as severely emotionally disturbed. Though, I don't know if that would have stopped me from marrying him, because I wanted out of my situation with my mother and stepfather. Both JW"S, my mother was a full time pioneer and my stepfather was an elder. He was lewd and crude, As a budding teenager in puberty, he would often cop feels off of my little sister and me. He would pinch my breasts and slap my buttocks. He would say lewd things in jest, but we were taught not to make waves and go along with him to keep him happy, because he could be really mean. My mother would take her rage out on us kids at home, but be the social butterfly at the kingdom hall. She let my stepfather do whatever he wanted. They were two different people at home then who they were at the kingdom hall or at social gatherings. I married my husband and lost my first child at seven months right after he kicked me in the stomach and caused me to fall on ice. The abuse got worse as the years went on. I began to go to the elders to get help but instead left feeling guilty that I was not a good enough wife. When I was bruised, people looked the other way at the meetings.His own parents, also an elder and pioneer, left our house one day while their son was on top of me hitting me and smothering me in front of our children who were screaming. They just walked out. It took "worldly people" years later to show me I did not deserve that violence and that there was help for me. After years of begging my mother, my sisters, elders.... Jehovah's people!!!! to help me, it took the love of people whom I was taught were not caring, loving people like Jehovah's people. The light began to slowly dawn. There was much pain and loss, but I did eventually find my freedom. Freedom from abuse... sexual, emotional, physical, mental and SPIRITUAL. Now I really know the truth and a loving, precious heavenly father that showed me the way to real peace and joy and freedom There is so much to this story I have not told because it truly would fill a book, as one day I plan to manifest. I wanted to share that because after seeing your story on dateline, I am now aware how widespread and horrific this situation is! May Jehovah truly bless you immensely for your work!

Hi, I used to be a Jehovah's Witness, so was my husband. A little after we got married he started to be abusive to me and my two children. I had black eyes and bruises and he would kick my children and send them to bed without dinner because they would cry. It got really bad. I would call the elders and they would tell me not to call the police that I had to keep it within the congregation. The elders would say that I would give the witnesses a bad name or bad publicity. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I stayed quiet for a while longer. Until finally one night he took my two year old little girl in the middle of the night, while I was asleep, to this day I don't know what he did to her but her face was bruised and she was in shock. That was it I was not going to take it any more. After that time I got my children and I left him, I left the congregation and I never went back. And of course no one could believe that my husband did what he did. It was like he was two different people, he acted like such a good decent witness but I knew he was a fake and a hypocrite. And the sad part is that the elders let him stay. I believe that the elders are very wrong in keeping witnesses from going to the police. Its just wrong. That is why I question the Jehovah's Witnesses something is just not right. Later I came to find out that my ex husband remarried and he did the same thing to his wife and she left him too. This is a true story from a silentlamb in San Antonio, Texas.

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

Why me?

I am 49 years old. Five years ago, my memory of when I was 7 came back to me and I realized what had been done to me by my uncle, (my mothers brother). At this same time I was going through 2 major crisis in my life. My husband of 23 years had walked out on me and 3 children one night in June and my father had passed away from lung cancer 6 months prior.

I had been encouraged to seek counseling and I felt the need to talk to someone. While at one of my sessions, I felt like something was very wrong. I kept picturing my uncle lying on a bed. I didn't understand this and pursued it further. When I finally realized what had happened, I phoned my mother . She resides outside of S. I questioned her about the memory I had and I was shocked by her answer. "I was hoping you wouldn't remember." >From what she had told me, I was not the only one. My sister and 2 cousins were also victims. I asked about my father and she let me know that he never was told about this. That I believe. My dad was not the type to sit and do nothing about this. Since speaking to my mother on that day, I have lost all respect for her. She is not the woman I thought she was.

At the time, I was one of Jehovah's Witnesses as well as my family, aunts, uncles etc....... on my mothers side. All living close together in F. My mother let me know that my uncle and his brother were both rushed to the airport and put on a plain back to California where their mother was when it became apparent as to what had happened.

I now know that at the time there was no possible way for our family or any relatives to have the money for airfare. We had practically nothing and lived on that very same thing. No, the money had to of come from the church. Nothing was ever done and never talked about again until I confronted my mother.

Today while at work, I realized who I was. I broke down and started to cry.

Why me?

I was shocked to see the JW story on Dateline. Not shocked at what happened but shocked at the fact that their are so many others that went through the same thing with the elders that I did. My father sexually molested me at the age of 13 and went to the elders. The elders came to our house and we had a meeting about it. I'm sure they thought I was too young to understand but they asked my dad questions that lead them to the conclusion that I seduced him (he did not answer the questions truthfully) and that is why he did what he did. When I wanted to speak up and tell them that it wasn't true, they silenced me as of I was being disrespectful. Next they asked me if I had told anyone, I told them no---which wasn't true, (one of the elders' daughter was my best friend and she told me of the physical and verbal abuse she was going through at home while I mentioned the sexual abuse). Anyway, they said, "Good. Don't tell anyone". Mr. Bowen this was 17 years ago but the pain is still there. At that time we attended a congregation in Lansing , Michigan . At the age of about 21, I finally began to question my dad's punishment. I saw on television where sexual molesters were going to prison, but all that happened to my dad was a little spank on his hand. He could not give talks and say the prayer at any place the congregation gathered---but of course this punishment was lifted after a few months. But they disfellowshipped my mom for smoking. I could not understand it and still don't. This experience is the main reason why I am not a JW today. It seems as if JWs have a warped perception of sin. Sin is sin. So how can one sin have a heavier punishment than another? Regardless of how that punishment was suppose to "cure" my dad, he continued to molest me until I left home after graduation and moved in with my aunt and uncle. Do you think he ever went back to the elders and received more punishment? Of course not! But I must tell you that he is now an elder at a small congregation in Alabama and my mom is still disfellowshipped. Thank you for being an advocate for children and adults that have or are going through this awful ordeal. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you accomplish your goal.

Thank you,

I was raised as a JW. My mom was a witness, my father a Catholic. My life was a constant fight between my parents. Every day I woke up to fighting over religion. My father was physically abusive to my mother, slapping and hitting her done on a regular basis. My mother tried to leave him but the brothers told her she had to go back to him as that was what Jehovah wanted her to do. As I got older I would leave, many times I would beg my mother to leave, but she always went back thinking It was Jehovah's will. She was an Artist.He cut up her pictures with a butcher knife. He left her laying In the snow when my sister was being born two months early because of his abuse to her. I called the police many times but they would come out to the house,my father would go out and talk to them and they would leave, never doing anything. Not being able to stand this all the time I would leave. Get a job, do anything to get away from the fighting. My mother said, "I guess I will have to die to get away from him." That's exactly what she did. She came down with Leukemia, she refused to take blood and she died. I could tell a lot more.

The more I could tell starts with I became a baptized witness and the story goes on for many more years . I am no longer a Witness but It is a sad story.

My story is relevant to all of the stories on your site. I also am 28 yrs. old. My mother first heard of the TRUTH at age 15, but due to a very traumatic childhood, moved around a lot and didn't pick up on the JW's again for years. She became pregnant at 16 & married my father. She had me at age 17. When I was about 4 or 5, some sisters came to our door and my father was about to close the door on them when my mother came out asking him to let them in. My mother started studying and shortly afterwards became a JW. My father also studied but decided this was not for him. Shortly afterward, my father left us. He said that it was because of the religion. Although my mother had become a better mother & wife, she wouldn't go to R rated movies or the bars any more. He also has always said that he believed if there was any such thing as the Truth, the Witnesses probably had the closest thing to it. He just didn't want to make the lifestyle changes.

Eight years later, my mother finally married a brother and moved me out of state to be with him. That's when all hell broke lose. I was a pretty good Witness until then. My step father was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive to my mother and even my step brothers. He didn't bother with me much. I think mostly because when they married, I threatened him that if he ever laid a hand on me, he'd get it from my father. I must have sensed it in him. Child's intuition.

I became sexually promiscuous and was reprimanded several times. I was publicly reproved. I got better and gained my privileges back and was baptized at 16. I pioneered for a while. Then I got involved with boys

again. At 18, right after graduation, my mother found out about a long term relationship and basically gave me an ultimatum to dump him or get out.

Well, by this point, I was tired of living a double life and tired of the abuse of my mother. I left. A couple of months later, I finally met with the judicial committee and was disfellowshipped. They asked tremendously personal questions regarding my sexual relations. Shortly afterwards, mother ended up moving in with my live in boyfriend and I, after her husband falsely accused her of physical abuse and called the police, which resulted in her arrest. Mind you, my mother never called the police on him on the many occasions he beat her. The elders never did anything. It was his word against hers. She finally left that congregation & my step father. She

keeps wavering back & forth and I feel she suffers long term permanent mental depression as a result.

I always thought it was interesting that I was disfellowshipped for committing fornication, which was not against MAN's law and didn't affect anybody but my partner and I, but did not disfellowship my step father for physical abuse, which is against the law. Just wanted to share my story, I've left out a lot for the sake of time. I can say that since I left the organization, I've been happier than ever. I have a wonderful husband and step daughters.

I watched in horror last night on TV about Jehovah's Witnesses molesting and rape of children and that's how I found this web site.

I was a Jehovah's Witness and my husband still is. He just warned me not to talk about Jehovah's Witnesses, are we not aloud free speech? I thought we lived in America .

I hate what I have read here and I know it is true because I am a victim of it. I was disfellowshipped years ago. Can you imagine? I suffered ten years went to the brothers many times and begged for help. I couldn't endure going to the assemblies I had crying spells and sleepless nights and when I could no longer tolerate being around people I quit going. I then went for medical help. I put bows in my dog's hair red and green thread and it was Christmas time the circuit servant came to my house saw it and I got disfellowshipped, so did my husband because he was supposed to be head of the house, he did nothing wrong and I was a basket case. My husband got disfellowshipped because of me I was mentally distraught that I caused that to happen. My husband got leukemia and went back and is reinstated now for five years. He was afraid he would die and not get into Gods new Kingdom he tells me I will die and never get into Gods Kingdom . You know, I don't want in his kingdom of molesters, and liars, and cheats.

I spent ten years getting well from the world of Satan they say, and I am recovered from my mental disorders, it is funny to think that when I was in that organization I had gave my title to my car to a brother and he stole it nothing they could do two or more witnesses were not present it was considered my fault I should have had a contract and I was too trusting. That brother has a bad reputation in this small town if he gets in Gods Kingdom and he makes it, then with my good heart I surely will make it too.

I feel Jehovah's Witnesses are brain washed and burdened to do what they say. I heard my husband knock the Catholic church for child molesting since the case came to the news well I told him it is everywhere , he said not in Gods organization. So when I saw Dateline on TV I told him and he was in shock. He talked to the brothers today about it and they said it was not handled that way I could have told him they would say that. Not one of Jehovah's Witnesses will ever believe these stories here. Why? Because we are taught not to and it is a unforgivable sin to talk against Gods name so they are scared like my husband is scared for me because if I say the truth I could get destroyed.

So I wondered how so many of you wrote I know how scared you must have been to tell the truth. Most of Jehovah's Witnesses will say that you were disfellowshipped and no longer in God's favor so you are lying and most of JW's will run from this site. I hope you will learn the real truth because the truth will set you FREE.

Over the past few months and prior to the Dateline airing, I was looking for ways to shore up my faith in the Organization, pioneering going in service etc. In the process, I stumbled across your site. The Silent lambs site provides a forum for victims of abuse and hopefully in the process they will begin to heal. It is my hope, they will find a "GOOD" counselor to assist them as recovery most likely will not happen without it.

I have wished, as it appears has been the case with many, to observe and learn and remain unnoticed. Isn't it odd that a person who wishes to see injustices rectified would wish to remain on the sidelines? Impossible, for the truth does not and cannot come from voices of silence. Jehovah's Witnesses, from my history, have long been truth seekers, or so I always thought. That was certainly the case with me. On the flip side, those who remain silent no doubt recognize, whether on a cognitive or instinctive level, that they may well be at risk for coming forward.

Many statements posted on the silent lambs site are evidence of great pain. However, the anger, understandable, comes through and at times discredits the person who has been victimized. However, I now write this because of the statements I have read which are focused, not simply out of anger and a "your finally going to get yours WTS attitude. I write this in support of the truth, regardless of possible consequences.

Though the abuses I myself reported were not sexual abuse, I did report the physical abuse of my children, over a period of many years. Indeed, and apparently true to form, was the council given to me that it must be at the mouth of two or more witnesses. When I asked the brothers to talk to my children, this was refused. Now to the point, I started seeing a therapist. Due to insurance issues I had to change counselors, three times. All three reported my husband to DHR for not only past, but continued physical assault of my children. Sad? Unimaginably so. I left my husband the day he grabbed my daughter around the throat. Less than a month after I separated, I was at the Circuit Assembly with my kids. Brother XXXXXXX, Circuit Overseer in XXXXXXX , came to me and rebuked me for turning my husband in. He said, "Sister XXXXX, I was sorry to hear of your troubles but to bring in the authorities, people of the world, that was the wrong thing to do. This should be handled by the brothers". Several months later when he was serving our congregation, he met with my husband and I along with the brothers who served on my husbands judicial hearing. ( my husband was removed from serving ) At this meeting I was told that if my husband committed adultery that Jehovah would hold me equally responsible as my husband was being denied his marital due. I was told "under no circumstances are you to discuss your husband or the abuse any further outside the confines of "this room" and that his report to the Society would reflect this admonition.

There is much along this line I could share with you. I am only presenting this to you in the event you would like or need me to provide a detailed account in support of your truth seeking efforts.

I was a Jehovah's Witness from the time my parents "found the truth" when I was 5 years old (1946) until late 1980. By-the-way, I was disfellowshipped for smoking.

Unfortunately, I was in an abusive relationship with my first husband, also a Jehovah's Witness who beat me up starting with the night before our wedding, on a regular basis from 1962 to 1980. There were many times I had to be seen with black eyes, bruises on my neck and other parts of my body and had to make excuses (lies) to protect him because what he might do.

When I went to the president Overseer at my local congregation and other members of "the committee", there refused to do anything about it saying it was a domestic issue which they did not want to get involved in!!!

I was glad when I was "kicked out" in 1980, but unfortunately, my oldest daughter who is still a Jehovah's Witness and her two children will have absolutely nothing to do with me.

A battered 'ex-lamb'

I don't really know how to begin but it seems lately this keeps coming to the forefront. It began when I was just 9 years old. My father (an elder) had gotten on to me because he had found out that I liked a boy in my class at school. I was beaten with a belt. Then taken to my room so he could "explain" where I was going wrong. I was told that I needed to study the scriptures more and have a closer relationship with Jehovah. I was read the scripture where it says to "honor your father and mother" at this point my father touched me sexually for the first time. Within a couple of months it then turned into rape. Every time I tried to tell him that this was not right I was told I needed a closer relationship with Jehovah. This continued until I was almost 15 years old.

When I was 13 I turned to an elder that I trusted and his wife. They told me "if this is the way your dad expects honor you are to do it and Jehovah will work it out in his own time. Leave it "all to Jehovah." When I said I did not see how Jehovah would approve of this, I was then reprimanded for not having faith. The same elder sat on my judicial committee when I got fed up with the organization and decided to leave. I decided to walk away after my father (still an elder) shattered my jaw for speaking up about the organization and why I didn't feel it was the truth. That same elder plus two more told me that my father was doing what he felt he had to do to keep me in line with the truth. I was reprimanded while sitting in the living room of the house where the rape occurred and nothing was said to him. He was right and I was wrong.

Funny how elders stick together, it was the same 3 that met with me when I disassociated my self. I have not regretted that decision. Thank you for listening nice to know I'm not alone in this.

This couldn't have come to the people's attention at a more applicable time in my life. I was born into a Jehovah's Witness family 36 years ago. I

reside in British Columbia.

I've been crying "help me" to the elders for 20 years now for sexual abuse I received from brothers (including one elder) when I was in my early teens.

I didn't necessarily want these ones punished severely, or even legally; I just wanted to be acknowledged, affirmed, listened to, and understood, by the "shepherds" in the congregation. Instead I was made to feel like a liar; or, that I somehow was a deceptive person trying to cause some sort of trouble for the congregation. I have spent my life feeling, quite literally, CRAZY over what has happened. Sometimes I doubted my own recollections - did my mind just dream the whole thing up? I moved to different congregations, trying to be heard - there had to be one elder out there who'd understand. If there was, I didn't find him.

Recently, but before the Dateline episode, (which, by the way, I did not

see), I decided I could no longer take the guilt, tormented spirit, along with the related depression, and opted to commit "spiritual suicide". I

feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can now believe in myself, and know what happened really did happen, and have confidence that I am not CRAZY. I am free to talk about it, deal with it, and get on with it - instead of sweeping the pain away by thinking and acting NUTS! All I wanted was to be believed - not made to feel unheard and a liar - when the brothers denied what they had done.

I can understand not wanting to falsely accuse someone of something they did not do. But tell me this, why would a victim want to come before the elders to tell them what has happened - something so intimate - just to be made to feel that they are problem-causers, liars, or whatever, when the other party denies it? Never mind who's going to confess to sins when their confidentiality may become an issue - most of the guilty are going to deny it regardless. These are the ones doing the wrong. By being capable of

doing this wrong in the first place, most obviously have no conscience left - so why would they confess sins? Why hush the victims, make them feel like they are the problem, and then leave them feeling like Jehovah no longer

cares for them, or that they are somehow to blame.

I also know of a case of incest that was grossly covered up by the organization.

While residing in Ontario, a witness father (an elder) had a baby with his 17-year-old daughter. The child of the incest is now in her 30's. Shortly after she was born and in was becoming public knowledge in Ontario, the family moved out to BC, where the daughter (and grand-daughter/daughter)

even lived in the same residence with the rest of the family.

This secret was kept for 15 years until it came out during a family member's divorce/custody proceedings. Even the child wasn't told the truth of her parentage. She found out through her younger cousin - a child who learned of it during the determination of custody in her parent's divorce.

In the meantime, though, it was so covered up this man became an elder again. They even became FOSTER PARENTS! The victim once told me she can remember it happening when she was in diapers and that her father would molest her even while out in field service. And she was disfellowshipped for her role!!

Thanks for the opportunity to vent - finally!!!

I met Don in the congregation and we dated and eventually married. Everyone loved him. The abuse started within months and the elders only told me to be a submissive wife. "Read the articles on how to be a good wife"... Like it was my fault. Then I found out thru his ex-wife that he had abused her too while she was pregnant and the elders in that congregation were aware of it. After one episode I went to an elders wife and she got out WT bound volumes for me. I was dizzy from being slammed against the wall. Didn't matter. She gave me the 'good wife' speech. Now I learn that she was battered by her husband also who is still serving in the M, Ohio congregation. Our last fight occurred in the kingdom hall. I was there with some of the elders and we were painting the hall and Don drove the truck past the hall. He stalked me everywhere I went. I knew he would come in. He did. He blocked my car so I couldn't get out. I begged the elders not to let him in but they said they had to. As it all turned out, I had had enough. I was done. Couldn't take it anymore. I got out my pocket knife that I had with me that I used at work and opened it in my pocket. Kept my hand on it. Promised myself that if he so much as touched me I would go for his throat. They let him in, he touched my shoulder, I put the knife to his neck and told him I wanted his blood. I backed him to the door giving him the opportunity to leave but he pushed me back around the corner and down the hall. One elder tried to separate us and then Don threw him against the wall. I tried to stab him in the neck but he picked me up and the knife went into his shoulder. He threw me against the wall and knocked me out. They didn't want the police contacted. I did anyway. I didn't get anything. He got five years probation. I'm disfellowshipped. He isn't.

All these stories, have one theme in common with mine. ABUSE An turning a blind eye to it will not make it stop. Telling our children and parents to "KEEP SILENT" only opens the door for the violator to continue his /or her crimes undeterred and undetected. Jehovah cannot be reproached by something men do. But the ORGANIZATION can be 'torn' apart which may not be such a terrible thing. What does the Bible state about things done in Secret? That they shall soon be brought to Light. An once they are it doesn't say IGNORE them.

I too, have felt the pain of being raised in an environment of abuse. My mother was a JW was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. My step father would use the bible verses to his benefit and allow the abuse of beatings to continue. Encourage them by stories and emotionally abuse his children and me who was consider not to be his child due to me coming from a previous marriage. Then he would demand servitude.

For us to SUBMIT to him in all things b/c he was the head of house and the bible stated so. But for a woman ( the weaker vessel, which is not true. We are the GENTLE Sex yes but I would like to see them endure what women do w/out cracking. ) to submit there must be trust and trustworthiness from the spouse. An in a environment like this no wonder relationships destruct, you cannot abuse someone and then expect them to submit to you. JW's are a major contradiction and the ORGANIZATION needs severe changes.

But that is not going to happen unless they are forced to ! Elders should be held accountable for their decisions and their blind eye to the abuses that have occurred and the poor souls who go to them for comfort, protection and safety. ONLY to be betrayed and our lives destroyed. So their lies and cover ups continue on.

I say to you NO! Yes we speak up in forums and finally have gone public to a point. But unless we take these things to their conclusion and make them change their codes of silence ! then we are allowing them to continue to abuse others. An creating more pain for others. THIS CYCLE MUST STOP! An we need to heal ourselves by helping others survive too.

Thank you for allowing me to vent and hopefully encourage others to think for themselves and not what is force fed to them.

God Bless.

SP.

I am a former JW who was abused. I want to tell everyone that THIS IS A CULT,, a haven for pedophiles to be exact. I was abused for years by my step-father. When my mother found out, she brought it to the attention of the Elders. They told her to forgive and he would repent ect... I was fortunate. My mother realized that that was NONSENSE!! Pedophiles are sick and need to be away from children. Any organization that teaches that they have the "TRUTH" and everyone else is "Worldly" is only seeking to alienated. A cult alienates people from family, friends, and society. It seeks to make women subservient and teach them to keep their mouths shut. They spout bible scripture out of context an to their own agendas. I have read the articles on this website and it seems to me, that even though people are coming forward, they still have not shaken this cult mentality. This religion is not the truth. Jesus talked to people of all walks of life, the poor, the hookers, everyone. This religion teaches you to only associate with others in "the truth", or rather, others that are programmed too. My mother left the cult and was disfellowshipped. Even her own mother refuses to speak to her to this day! That is not love. That is Evil. Since then, several of her former sisters have came forward that their children were abused also, one of them an Elders daughter! All were handled the same, cover it up, make peace and forgive.

I say to all woman, Wake Up, this is a CULT!!!! break free, be disfellowshipped!!! This an evil organization set up by MAN, PEDOPHILES!!!!!!!! A panel of all male Elders!!HA>>> DONT BE BLIND LITTLE LAMBS. JESUS AND GOD ARE ALL AROUND US AND THEY DO NOT APPROVE OF HOW THIS RELIGION HAS WARPED THEIR TEACHINGS!!! LEAVE THIS CULT NOW> CHILD MOLESTORS DO NOT STOP!! YOU MUST STOP THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi my name is A and I live in Alaska. I was a Jehovah's Witness for almost 10 years. That all changed when my sister and I were both molested by a man that was our step-father. Yes, the congregation did nothing to help us and everything to hide it. They shamed us for going to the law and turing him in and not once still to this day 6 years later came to see how we (our family is doing) and we still live in the same house. I think that the Jehovah's Witness Congregations have no shame in Child Molesters in fact they welcome them with open arms saying if they ask God to forgive them then they are good people. There is something wrong with that and it needs to be stopped they are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites that say on thing and do the other. It is not Gods will that they hide this stuff from the law God wants these kinds of people stopped. He dose not want to see his people getting hurt and that is what these people did to me. They hurt me beyond repair. I don't think I will ever be able to get over what happened to me or how I was treated. They even tried to tell my mom that she could not divorce this man that molested her own children that it was not biblical grounds. What a bunch of CRAP. I hate that man and always will and I hate everybody that shunned me for doing the right thing!!! I spoke out and got punished by them for it but you know what there time will come when every elder or congregation leader will be punished for the wrong doings that they are doing by hiding it. And I will never return to a Jehovah Congregation again. The Alaska Kingdom Hall blew it for me. I love Jehovah don't get me wrong I just don't think I agree with the way things of importance are handled. I believe that you can worship God on your own and that he judges your heart. So, that was my story (the short one, anyways.

A D

I don't know if you want to hear from me or not but I decided to write anyway. I have not lead the life of service that you have, albeit I was at one time a practicing Witness. My former husband had been brought up a Witness but had been "away" from it when I met him. I was raising 2 boys on my own at the time. I had become a member of alcoholic anonymous and was trying to turn my life & my boys lives around when I met P. He too was a member of A.A. I met him at a meeting. When I met P I wanted so desperately for my boys to have a "normal" life, they needed a male influence. P, had mentioned to me that he had been a Witness, but he had been "disfellowshipped" for smoking. I had no idea what that meant at the time. To me worshiping God meant going to church & enjoying the Mass on Sunday. I wanted that for my boys. I had no idea what I was getting into. P & I lived together, then married. After we married he started pushing the issue of going back to the Kingdom Hall. I liked the idea because I thought it would help us to meet friends & give the boys a religious foundation. We started going to meetings, but it wasn't like I had thought it would be. They shunned P, I didn't understand this at first. P, said everything would be OK, as soon as he was reinstated. Soon he was "reinstated," after that P started saying," if we're all not Witnesses this marriage won't work, this won't be a real family, etc." I have to admit I really didn't want any part of the Witnesses, I didn't like the way I was treated, it felt like I was in a communist country, very hush hush. I had to be so careful what I said & did. I was told I would transform into a good Witness and I would live forever. It wasn't what I wanted, this was not the life I wanted. P kept pushing. We started having bible meetings at my house,going out in field service & only Witness friends. I didn't have any friends, I gave up most of my worldly friends. I must go back to the beginning now to help you understand what was happening in my relationship with P. When we first were together, the very beginning, everything seemed fine with P. What I mean by that is he seemed like a great guy. Even thought we both had alcohol problems in the past, the A.A. program & our support of each other put us both on the right track. P, had spent a few years in prison due to his use & abuse of alcohol. He was now 30 yrs old & had never married when I met him. Please bear with me I know I'm bouncing back & forth, but it will come together. After we married P, became distant, in our intimacy. I asked if anything was wrong & he said, "No, just tired." It became worse & worse if I tried to have relations with my husband he would accuse me of being too sexual or pushy. I started wondering if this was part of the religion, maybe sex wasn't something they liked either! But he said no it had nothing to do with that & read passages in the bible about being a good & obedient wife etc. We moved to a Apt. and P, took a job as superintendent there. It was a large complex and a good opportunity for us to save some money. More & more P became obsessed with being a good & "Perfect" Witness. He would badger me about getting baptized and being a good Witness. It got so that if I said "darn" he would admonish me & tell me not to say that because it was too close to "dam." I tried so hard to be what he wanted. I went to the meetings, had the studies at my home went out in field service, my children were involved. Our intimate life grew worse. P, would make all kinds of excuses not to be intimate with me. He called me a whore for wanting to make love to him, my husband. We were now married about a year. I thought maybe having a child would help. I had to beg him to have relations with me so I could get pregnant, what I fool I was. Well, 9 months later I had my 3rd. son. Of course, it didn't help our situation at all. It was around this time I started waking up in the middle of the night. I noticed Paul, wasn't beside me in bed. I could see the T.V. was on and I saw P sitting on the floor of our bedroom. I peeked up over the covers to see what he was doing., he was masturbating to the girls on the T.V.! I was shocked. He wanted nothing to do with me, yet here he was doing that, and I his wife was right there in bed. I didn't say anything to him, I thought maybe it was just one of those things. It Wasn't! After that incident I became more aware of his disappearance from our bed at night, doing the same thing I saw the first time. I finally got up the nerve to confront him. I asked him why he would do that and not want to be with me his wife. I had questioned myself so much about why he didn't want me anymore. I thought it was me. I tried to always look my best and dress well & keep my weight trim, I blamed myself. He said to stop worrying about it, it was just a phase he was going through. P said," lets get down on our knees & pray to Jehovah, for forgiveness & guidance." We did. P continued to push me toward baptism, he said it would help with our problems. He would have a more "solid" relationship with me if I was baptized. I finally relented & was baptized. I had no idea what "hell" was ahead for me. The kids seemed to be doing well, They had made friends and were fitting in. P was by all appearances a good father to them. Everyone that thought they knew us, & looked at us as a good "Witness family," happy well adjusted and doing all the right things. But our relationship was falling apart. P would become angry easily. He even went so far as to put his hands around my throat, he became so enraged at times. We now had a nonexistent intimate life. I would get up at night & find that P wasn't even in the apartment. I didn't find this suspicious at fist, He was the superintendent & sometimes had to go out to fix things in the buildings at night. But with the frequency of his disappearances I became more suspicious. I waited one night until I felt him slip out of bed. He went out & I followed him, slipping around the dark corners of the apartment buildings. I saw him in the bushes slightly hidden, standing on a pipe that was sticking out of the ground. I stood in the dark watching him, wondering what he was doing. Then I realized, what he was doing. he was maturating while peeping in someone's window. I was in shock, I couldn't move. My head was swirling, MY GOD! What innocent person is in that room? What if he was caught, my kids what would I tell them? Who is this man I married this man who stuffed this religion down my throat until I gagged. While he acted the holy roller. This can't be happening. But it was. I called to him & he stood there with a shocked look on his face. What are YOU doing here? he demanded to know. I asked him, why? What is going on? He said lets go & get on our knees & pray to Jehovah for forgiveness & guidance, and don't tell anyone! Jehovah will help us. Well, for approximately a year after that I followed him at all hours of the night, after he'd slip out of bed. I'd find him in front of someone's window masturbating. We'd go home he'd get on his knees & pray. I would come home from work and find him in the bedroom with porno pictures. He tried to become more clever in his sick perversion. He would go to the city to peep shows. I would find the to ken s in his pockets. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I wanted so desperately to tell someone. I was embarrassed & afraid. I finally told my mother, she was shocked. I begged P during this time to get help. To go to a psychologist. I asked him to go to therapy with me or by himself. he wouldn't. He said Jehovah, would help. Pray Pray.......... I trusted no one in the Truth. One brother that had known P for a while was constantly complaining that everyone came to him for help, he had no time for himself or his family. He was always complaining. I only knew one brother that I felt I could tell this story too. He was a ministerial servant. I called him and asked him to come to my apartment. I told him everything that had happened and he was very understanding. he said that of course he would have to go to the elders, I said I understood that. The next day one of the Elders, called me. They asked if P, was there, he was. He came to my apartment and asked him if these things I was saying were true, P admitted it. The Elder said he would come back to my house with other elders to discuss the situation with us. 5 Elders came to my home. We sat around my table. The Elder that had only the week before complained & groaned about how busy he was, was quite miffed that I hadn't come to him first with this problem! His concern was not for us but his ego was bruised. Another Elder that had spoken to the Elders from the Brooklyn congregation that P had grown up in, asked, "P, weren't you disfellowshipped once?" P answered, "Yes." And that was for smoking wasn't it? ",Yes"he answered. And also weren't you spoken to by the Elders there for this same type of conduct when you were living in Brooklyn! I was stunned when P answered yes. He had been living this perverted life style for years before I ever knew him, and they knew about it. I was enraged that no one did anything, that this behavior went on unchecked without professional help. P, lied to me. Our marriage was a sham. All the kneeling & praying & secrecy. After that meeting P was not allowed to answer at meetings for a period of time. That was it. Never did a single Elder come up to me & ask if I needed to talk, or recommend professional help. I was a mess. A year without much sleep had taken it's toll. I left P. I was later disfellowshipped. I wasn't allowed to attend my own sons wedding. I wanted to commit suicide. I had a breakdown. P died a few years ago, he went back to drinking. Maybe, I am weak. Maybe, I am not deserving of the Kingdom that they speak of. All I can say is this. If that Kingdom They speak of is full of the Witnesses I have known, I don't want to be there. I blame them for not helping P, when he was a young man. I blame them for allowing P to hide his sickness. I blame them for the loss of my family. It has taken me years to recover, I am still working at it. Thanks for listening, PT

Just wanted to say thank you for making this site and I wish to tell my story, it relates to my father was always a witness and as a child he molested me once. I don't understand why and it still upsets me still even though I am an adult. When I confronted him about it as a teenager he called me a liar. He now serves as a presiding overseer.

I tried to be a good Jehovah's Witness in my early adulthood but I was married to an abusive man, the elders told me to stay married in spite of the abuse. They also told me if I was more submissive he would hit me less. Even when child protective services got involved because of his abuse of our children, I was told to stay with him, if I prayed more and was more submissive Jehovah would help me. It was then I left my husband anyway and about a year later I left the organization.

I was talking to my cousin who is still a witness the other day she told me that my dad tells her at meetings to spank her daughter or slap her mouth when she talks at meetings.(her daughter is only 3) I can't help to think about all the young children that are forced to sit still for hours at a time and told to be quite or they will be hit. These children are too young to understand what is being said let alone comprehend it. If you were to ask a witness why, they will say the bible says to train a child from infancy. Can't you do this in a way the child can understand and make the subject and time studying with them age appropriate? Isn't this too child abuse? Thanks for letting me share my story

Greetings! I am a witness of Jehovah God, but I haven't been in a Kingdom Hall for almost a year. I dedicated my life to Jehovah 17 years previously; I am 36 years old. In 1988 I married a 'brother.' Our marriage lasted three months. He sexually abused my then four year old son. When he took my son and disappeared for a week, I called the Elders and asked what to do (I wanted to notify the authorities)? They said do NOT call the police, that he would return. Yes, he returned with my little boy whom he had sexually abused. He, himself, had been abused by an JW uncle when he was a little boy. A month later our marriage fell apart because he committed fornication with a young sister and was eventually disfellowshipped. I divorced him. After 9 years of singleness I married again; This time to a man who isn't a baptized witness; Though I know the Apostle Paul's admonition to "only marry in the Lord," I don't feel I married very far out from it. My current husband of five years has listened attentively and has accepted all that Jehovah's organization puts upon us (no holiday's, smoking etc.;) except he cannot understand the cruel shunning that's occurred toward me since our marriage. He's also been shunned quiet cruelly, too. I firmly believe Jehovah provided this kind and loving man for me; though I do admit some times have been difficult, it's mostly been from being shunned and not receiving the emotional/spiritual support we all need from our brothers/sisters. My son has stumbled and left the organization because of this behavior. I still love my God Jehovah very deeply; And I know this "System of things" will not be here much longer. I'm also firmly convinced of my hope and what Jehovah has chosen me for. I'm sorry that individuals who have been hurt by others imperfections/evil intentions were so stumbled they can no longer tolerate Jehovah's organization; But ultimately, it is not Jehovah's organization that will be saving people---it is only Jehovah. And "waiting on Jehovah" does not mean you don't take action to protect yourself or your loved ones--it means waiting for his Kingdom, and His assigned Ruler, Jesus Christ, to bring an end to a perverted, disgustingly sick system. Faith, having that faith means knowing that Jehovah cannot lie, and that the one carrying on unrighteousness will not be allowed to exist in that wonderful place. No one should be allowed to separate our love from Jehovah..............NO ONE! My love goes to all those who have been so terribly affected by such cruel abuses; Please get treatment ASAP! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is most amenable to treatment early.

L.C.

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

I saw the show and was stunned. Then my memories kicked in. I was born into the "truth" in 1955. Growing up, I learned quickly not to question the JW beliefs and to do what I was told without question. My dad was always an elder and mom was always pioneering off and on. The three of us girls were expected to be model JW's and set an example for all the other children in the congregation. Mom used to beat us girls with whatever she could get her hands on. That meant hangers, belts, wooden spoons, brooms, yardsticks or whatever was available. Dad was always busy with his elder duties although he would sometimes administer a belt spanking. I remember one time not wanting to go out in "service" because I didn't feel like it and being told I would get severely spanked if I didn't get ready. That was hard because I didn't feel like I should have to go if I didn't sincerely want to preach which I didn't. I went though to avoid being punished.

When I was 16, I got raped by a "worldly man". My dad's first question was," What were you doing alone with him?" and he was rather angry. Next thing I know, I am being interrogated by a committee of 3 men who want to know all the details of every time I was around this guy and what did I do to entice him and make him act that way? They also wanted to make sure that I hadn't committed fornication and that I had indeed been forcibly raped. The police were called and the guy was arrested. The further humiliation happened when I went to the doctor. The doctor said if I was pregnant that I could have an abortion. My parents were horrified and insisted that if I were, I would continue the pregnancy. Nobody asked me what I wanted. I was horrified to think that I at 16 would have to raise a child out of wedlock conceived in rape and that would be just dandy by my parents. Fortunately, I was not pregnant b! ut I was never the same after the rape. Of course, counseling was forbidden. I withdrew, became depressed and my grades dropped. I dropped out of school believing that would lead nowhere as I had been taught that higher education is not beneficial. So I became a pioneer in hopes that would help straighten me out and give me the right attitude because I just hadn't been a very good daughter and now I was no longer a virgin. At 17, I began to become involved with boys and soon was found out and publicly reproved. At that point, my father called me a slut and whore and said that if I didn't stop my behavior, I would end up being a prostitute and that he would be happy to show me where they all hang out and what happens to women like that. I wondered how he knew where they were. Eventually, I was disfellowshipped for fornication.

At 18, I decided to come back to the "organization". I met a nice JW guy and married him after only knowing him 2 months. 2 days after we got married, he slapped me hard enough to knock my glasses off and knock me flat on my back. The abuse continued for nearly 10 years. During that marriage, he hit me repeatedly giving me numerous black eyes and bruises and trips to the doctor to make sure bones weren't broken. He raped me. He forced me to have sex with him at knife point. He tore my clothes off me one time when I didn't feel like having sex and forced me. He hit me when I was pregnant. The first year or so, I was just shocked and afraid. Then I got more bold and turned him into the elders numerous times. I was told to be more obedient and to continue serving Jehovah. He was told to stop hitting which he didn't. Eventually, I was disfellowshipped twice more and at 25 never came back.; He was disfellowshipped too. By 25, I had 3 children. Eventually, he began beating the kids. With each child, I had to threaten him with the cops if I saw another bruise on them. Mercifully he stopped but took it out more on me.

During this marriage, my parents became aware of his violence and only spoke to him about not acting that way. I was informed that I had no grounds for divorce despite the violence. I felt so stuck but finally went to counseling in which I was finally told that as long as he continued this violence, the marriage was no good. Shortly after that, I was able to get a divorce and get out of the marriage and away from this man.

My parents never helped me after I stated that I was not interested in being a JW ever again. My mom did apologize about not helping me out more during that marriage with her excuse being that because I was disfellowshipped, they just couldn't. I find it very disturbing that in the name of religion or Jehovah or whatever, that a parent won't help a child who needs some support. "Worldly people" have helped me out continuously in many ways more profoundly "christian" or neighborly than JW's ever have. It's amazing how many lies I have debunked that I was taught as a good little JW girl. Life is good now and I am a pagan and very happy. Thank you, Mr. Bowen, for truly living the truth and not permitting lies to exist in your world. Hopefully your efforts will change the organization. Child molesters cannot be allowed to go free and how they can be accepted in the congregations are beyond me. As far as I'm concerned, JW's are perpetuating the cycle of sexual abuse and violence by their "don't tell" attitude. It makes me very uncomfortable that my dad being an elder is part of this cycle.

Blessings to all those who have suffered this religious abuse, sexual abuse and violence. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,

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I am currently not practicing as a JW because when I told the woman who was studying with me as a teenager, that I was still being sexually molested by my father she did nothing. I stayed in my abusive home for another year.

My grandmother on my father's side was one of the anointed. When I was 10 Months old she died and was talked about my whole life as the perfect example of what a loving JW's is. I am not sure about that myself because she raised my father to be a pedophile. I was sexually and emotionally abused through the age of 17. Being a witness was a on and off part of my whole childhood. My father was able to Wow most persons in the truth when we would come to the meetings. He had so much knowledge about the truth they didn't question him. He would be the perfect example when he was at the meetings and then come back home and abuse the family.

My father was disfellowshipped when I was 16 for his drinking, even though the elders knew about the abuse happening in the home. It has taken me years to separate myself from these sick people.

Then I was "helped" by moving in with a woman and her five children after graduation. This women and her children were considered good members of the congregation. Two of her older daughters had been auxiliary pioneers for quite a while.

When I was in this home the mother of the children was so emotionally abusive it took me years to recuperate from the experience. I finally got out of that situation when I had told the elders time and time again about my family and how badly I was being treated in this family too.

I finally escaped the congregation when I ended up in a group home at the age of 21. I haven't gone back because I just can't deal with the people who stood by and let me be so abused as a teenager and a young adult.

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Greetings! I am a witness of Jehovah God, but I haven't been in a Kingdom Hall for almost a year. I dedicated my life to Jehovah 17 years previously; I am 36 years old. In 1988 I married a 'brother.' Our marriage lasted three months. He sexually abused my then four year old son. When he took my son and disappeared for a week, I called the Elders and asked what to do (I wanted to notify the authorities)? They said do NOT call the police, that he would return. Yes, he returned with my little boy whom he had sexually abused. He, himself, had been abused by an JW uncle when he was a little boy. A month later our marriage fell apart because he committed fornication with a young sister and was eventually disfellowshipped. I divorced him. After 9 years of singleness I married again; This time to a man who isn't a baptized witness; Though I know the Apostle Paul's admonition to "only marry in the Lord," I don't feel I married very far out from it. My current husband of five years has listened attentively and has accepted all that Jehovah's organization puts upon us (no holiday's, smoking etc.;) except he cannot understand the cruel shunning that's occurred toward me since our marriage. He's also been shunned quiet cruelly, too. I firmly believe Jehovah provided this kind and loving man for me; though I do admit some times have been difficult, it's mostly been from being shunned and not receiving the emotional/spiritual support we all need from our brothers/sisters. My son has stumbled and left the organization because of this behavior. I still love my God Jehovah very deeply; And I know this "System of things" will not be here much longer. I'm also firmly convinced of my hope and what Jehovah has chosen me for. I'm sorry that individuals who have been hurt by others imperfections/evil intentions were so stumbled they can no longer tolerate Jehovah's organization; But ultimately, it is not Jehovah's organization that will be saving people-------it is only Jehovah. And "waiting on Jehovah" does not mean you don't take action to protect yourself or your loved ones------it means waiting for his Kingdom, and His assigned Ruler, Jesus Christ, to bring an end to a perverted, disgustingly sick system. Faith, having that faith means knowing that Jehovah cannot lie, and that the one carrying on unrighteousness will not be allowed to exist in that wonderful place. No one should be allowed to separate our love from Jehovah..............NO ONE! My love goes to all those who have been so terribly affected by such cruel abuses; Please get treatment ASAP! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is most amenable to treatment early.

L.C.

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I don't know if you want to hear from me or not but I decided to write anyway. I have not lead the life of service that you have, albeit I was at one time a practicing Witness. My former husband had been brought up a Witness but had been "away" from it when I met him. I was raising 2 boys on my own at the time. I had become a member of alcoholic anonymous and was trying to turn my life & my boys lives around when I met P. He too was a member of A.A. I met him at a meeting. When I met P I wanted so desperately for my boys to have a "normal" life, they needed a male influence. P, had mentioned to me that he had been a Witness, but he had been "disfellowshipped" for smoking. I had no idea what that meant at the time. To me worshiping God meant going to church & enjoying the Mass on Sunday. I wanted that for my boys. I had no idea what I was getting into. P & I lived together, then married. After we married he started pushing the issue of going back to the Kingdom Hall. I liked the idea because I thought it would help us to meet friends & give the boys a religious foundation. We started going to meetings, but it wasn't like I had thought it would be. They shunned P, I didn't understand this at first. P, said everything would be OK, as soon as he was reinstated. Soon he was "reinstated," after that P started saying," if we're all not Witnesses this marriage won't work, this won't be a real family, etc." I have to admit I really didn't want any part of the Witnesses, I didn't like the way I was treated, it felt like I was in a communist country, very hush hush. I had to be so careful what I said & did. I was told I would transform into a good Witness and I would live forever. It wasn't what I wanted, this was not the life I wanted. P kept pushing. We started having bible meetings at my house,going out in field service & only Witness friends. I didn't have any friends, I gave up most of my worldly friends.
I must go back to the beginning now to help you understand what was happening in my relationship with P. When we first were together, the very beginning, everything seemed fine with P. What I mean by that is he seemed like a great guy. Even thought we both had alcohol problems in the past, the A.A. program & our support of each other put us both on the right track. P, had spent a few years in prison due to his use & abuse of alcohol. He was now 30 yrs old & had never married when I met him. Please bear with me I know I'm bouncing back & forth, but it will come together. After we married P, became distant, in our intimacy. I asked if anything was wrong & he said, "No, just tired." It became worse & worse if I tried to have relations with my husband he would accuse me of being too sexual or pushy. I started wondering if this was part of the religion, maybe sex wasn't something they liked either! But he said no it had nothing to do with that & read passages in the bible about being a good & obedient wife etc.
We moved to a Apt. and P, took a job as superintendent there. It was a large complex and a good opportunity for us to save some money. More & more P became obsessed with being a good & "Perfect" Witness. He would badger me about getting baptized and being a good Witness. It got so that if I said "darn" he would admonish me & tell me not to say that because it was too close to "dam." I tried so hard to be what he wanted. I went to the meetings, had the studies at my home went out in field service, my children were involved.
Our intimate life grew worse. P, would make all kinds of excuses not to be intimate with me. He called me a whore for wanting to make love to him, my husband. We were now married about a year. I thought maybe having a child would help. I had to beg him to have relations with me so I could get pregnant, what I fool I was. Well, 9 months later I had my 3rd. son. Of course, it didn't help our situation at all.
It was around this time I started waking up in the middle of the night. I noticed Paul, wasn't beside me in bed. I could see the T.V. was on and I saw P sitting on the floor of our bedroom. I peeked up over the covers to see what he was doing., he was masturbating to the girls on the T.V.! I was shocked. He wanted nothing to do with me, yet here he was doing that, and I his wife was right there in bed. I didn't say anything to him, I thought maybe it was just one of those things. It Wasn't!
After that incident I became more aware of his disappearance from our bed at night, doing the same thing I saw the first time. I finally got up the nerve to confront him. I asked him why he would do that and not want to be with me his wife. I had questioned myself so much about why he didn't want me anymore. I thought it was me. I tried to always look my best and dress well & keep my weight trim, I blamed myself. He said to stop worrying about it, it was just a phase he was going through. P said," lets get down on our knees & pray to Jehovah, for forgiveness & guidance." We did.
P continued to push me toward baptism, he said it would help with our problems. He would have a more "solid" relationship with me if I was baptized. I finally relented & was baptized. I had no idea what "hell" was ahead for me. The kids seemed to be doing well, They had made friends and were fitting in. P was by all appearances a good father to them. Everyone that thought they knew us, & looked at us as a good "Witness family," happy well adjusted and doing all the right things. But our relationship was falling apart. P would become angry easily. He even went so far as to put his hands around my throat, he became so enraged at times. We now had a nonexistent intimate life. I would get up at night & find that P wasn't even in the apartment. I didn't find this suspicious at fist, He was the superintendent & sometimes had to go out to fix things in the buildings at night. But with the frequency of his disappearances I became more suspicious. I waited one night until I felt him slip out of bed. He went out & I followed him, slipping around the dark corners of the apartment buildings. I saw him in the bushes slightly hidden, standing on a pipe that was sticking out of the ground. I stood in the dark watching him, wondering what he was doing. Then I realized, what he was doing. he was maturating while peeping in someone's window. I was in shock, I couldn't move. My head was swirling, MY GOD! What innocent person is in that room? What if he was caught, my kids what would I tell them? Who is this man I married this man who stuffed this religion down my throat until I gagged. While he acted the holy roller. This can't be happening. But it was.
I called to him & he stood there with a shocked look on his face. What are YOU doing here? he demanded to know. I asked him, why? What is going on? He said lets go & get on our knees & pray to Jehovah for forgiveness & guidance, and don't tell anyone! Jehovah will help us. Well, for approximately a year after that I followed him at all hours of the night, after he'd slip out of bed. I'd find him in front of someone's window masturbating. We'd go home he'd get on his knees & pray. I would come home from work and find him in the bedroom with porno pictures. He tried to become more clever in his sick perversion. He would go to the city to peep shows. I would find the to ken s in his pockets. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I wanted so desperately to tell someone. I was embarrassed & afraid. I finally told my mother, she was shocked. I begged P during this time to get help. To go to a psychologist. I asked him to go to therapy with me or by himself. he wouldn't. He said Jehovah, would help. Pray Pray..........
I trusted no one in the Truth. One brother that had known P for a while was constantly complaining that everyone came to him for help, he had no time for himself or his family. He was always complaining. I only knew one brother that I felt I could tell this story too. He was a ministerial servant. I called him and asked him to come to my apartment. I told him everything that had happened and he was very understanding. he said that of course he would have to go to the elders, I said I understood that. The next day one of the Elders, called me. They asked if P, was there, he was. He came to my apartment and asked him if these things I was saying were true, P admitted it. The Elder said he would come back to my house with other elders to discuss the situation with us. 5 Elders came to my home. We sat around my table. The Elder that had only the week before complained & groaned about how busy he was, was quite miffed that I hadn't come to him first with this problem! His concern was not for us but his ego was bruised. Another Elder that had spoken to the Elders from the Brooklyn congregation that P had grown up in, asked, "P, weren't you disfellowshipped once ." P answered, "Yes." And that was for smoking wasn't it? ",Yes"he answered. And also weren't you spoken to by the Elders there for this same type of conduct when you were living in Brooklyn! I was stunned when P answered yes. He had been living this perverted life style for years before I ever knew him, and they knew about it. I was enraged that no one did anything, that this behavior went on unchecked without professional help. P, lied to me. Our marriage was a sham. All the kneeling & praying & secrecy.
After that meeting P was not allowed to answer at meetings for a period of time. That was it. Never did a single Elder come up to me & ask if I needed to talk, or recommend professional help. I was a mess. A year without much sleep had taken it's toll. I left P. I was later disfellowshipped. I wasn't allowed to attend my own sons wedding. I wanted to commit suicide. I had a breakdown. P died a few years ago, he went back to drinking. Maybe, I am weak. Maybe, I am not deserving of the Kingdom that they speak of. All I can say is this. If that Kingdom They speak of is full of the Witnesses I have known, I don't want to be there. I blame them for not helping P, when he was a young man. I blame them for allowing P to hide his sickness. I blame them for the loss of my family. It has taken me years to recover, I am still working at it.
Thanks for listening,
PT

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Hi my name is A and I live in Alaska. I was a Jehovah WItness for almost 10 years. That all changed when my sister and I were both molested by a man that was our step-father. Yes, the congregation did nothing to help us and everything to hide it. They shamed us for going to the law and turing him in and not once still to this day 6 years later came to see how we (our family is doing) and we still live in the same house. I think that the Jehovah Witness Congregations have no shame in Child Molesters in fact they welcome them with open arms saying if they ask God to forgive them then they are good people. There is something wrong with that and it needs to be stopped they are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites that say on thing and do the other. It is not Gods will that they hide this stuff from the law God wants these kinds of people stopped. He dose not want to see his people getting hurt and that is what these people did to me. They hurt me beyond repair. I don't think I will ever be able to get over what happened to me or how I was treated. They even tried to tell my mom that she could not divorce this man that molested her own children that it was not biblical grounds. What a bunch of CRAP. I hate that man and always will and I hate everybody that shunned me for doing the right thing!!! I spoke out and got punished by them for it but you know what there time will come when every elder or congregation leader will be punished for the wrong doings that they are doing by hiding it. And I will never return to a Jehovah Congregation again. The Alaska Kingdom Hall blew it for me. I love Jehovah don't get me wrong I just don't think I agree with the way things of importance are handled. I believe that you can worship God on your own and that he judges your heart. So, that was my story (the short one, anyways.

A D

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I am a former JW who was abused. I want to tell everyone that THIS IS A CULT,, a haven for pedophiles to be exact. I was abused for years by my step-father. When my mother found out, she brought it to the attention of the Elders. They told her to forgive and he would repent etc.. I was fortunate. My mother realized that that was NONSENSE!! Pedophiles are sick and need to be away from children. Any organization that teaches that they have the "TRUTH" and everyone else is "Worldly" is only seeking to alienated. A cult alienates people from family, friends, and society. It seeks to make women subservient and teach them to keep their mouths shut. They spout bible scripture out of context an to their own agendas. I have read the articles on this website and it seems to me, that even though people are coming forward, they still have not shaken this cult mentality. This religion is not the truth. Jesus talked to people of all walks of life, the poor, the hookers, everyone. This religion teaches you to only associate with others in "the truth", or rather, others that are programmed too. My mother left the cult and was disfellowshipped. Even her own mother refuses to speak to her to this day! That is not love. That is Evil. Since then, several of her former sisters have came forward that their children were abused also, one of them an Elders daughter! All were handled the same, cover it up, make peace and forgive.

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

I left my husband (who was an elder for many years) several years ago because I felt he was trying to kill me. He had several reasons for wanting me out of the way, including keeping me silent. I went to the elders for help. There was no help to be had. I had physical proof of my allegations and proof of past criminal behavior on the part of my husband but I was told to be quiet or risk being the disfellowshipped one. I finally went to the police who strongly suggested that I not even return home that day. I didn't.

My ex was removed as an elder for a while, "privately reproved", and has since been reinstalled as an elder. He has a new wife. He was never punished for his criminal activities. I am fine. Jehovah has protected me and supported me in every way possible. Perhaps that was the lesson I was to learn. Trust in Jehovah. (not the brothers, not the elders, not the organization) I would not open my door for a Jehovah's Witness ever again. They could very possibly be a dangerous criminal who is being protected by their organization, "so as to not bring reproach".

Thank you for a site where we finally have a voice. God bless you.

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Thank you for allowing me to vent and hopefully encourage others to think for themselves and not what is force fed to them.

God Bless.

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I also was a victim of child abuse...and I was brought up within the safety of ... 'THE TRUTH'...(hA!)..I was sexually abused by my stepfather from the age of 4, and he was a 'ministerial servant!'

15yrs later and raped, it finally went to the elders, who put in their records that I was a willing participant...if not: the instigator!!!!! (Can you believe it!!)?.... 3 hours of interrogation, being called a liar, and him finally admitting it, saying: 'well, she wasn't a virgin anyway" (which of course I was until he started interfering with me!)

My mother left him...I didn't go to the police, and the Jehovah's witnesses cut her out for dead...she had to start all over again!!! (I will never forgive them for that).... then.... HE.. got custody of my little brother! What can I say???? 15 years down the track, it turns out he was sexually molested/ violated too!

I am not proud of it, but we went to the police..... It took two years of immense pressure and stress for it to finally get to court, (he got 12 yrs)

What disgusts me the most, is the fact that when it came to what we could and couldn't say in court, for legal reasons: we could not talk about the Jehovah's witnesses or the tribunal 15 yrs earlier (when he admitted to it)

It is SO WRONG!!!! They must report it to the legal justices of the land! If not, they must be held accountable for their sins!!!

I pray so hard for all those young, vulnerable, children out there!!! Where is their safety when their parents are so brainwashed???

23,000+ children within the organization are being molested... And that is only the ones that have been reported to the 'Elders' within the congregations of the Jehovah's Witnesses! The people they look to for guidance!

S J (UK)

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I just wanted to congratulate you for your efforts and I hope they pay off.

I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness and was baptised in my mid teens. I felt severe peer pressure to be baptised and commit to ending high school as soon as possible at an age where in the secular world children are not expected to be able to make binding commitments or contracts. As I grew older and became more aware that I did not believe the church doctrines it left me with a difficult choice as leaving the church meant leaving my mother. As the only child of a single parent I had a close relationship with my mother which made it a tragedy for both of us. However I could not be a hypocrite and profess beliefs which I did not have. The church elders pressurised me (at the age of nineteen) to make a definite decision so I disassociated myself. I have since spoken to mother three times in 18 years as she is prohibited from acknowledging me. As she has recently become a grandmother it is a shame as she is missing out on her only grandchild.

At the age of 10 I was molested by the son of a senior elder while visiting their home. He was 21 but mildly handicapped with a mental age maybe 5 years younger. There was no question on my part of reporting the assault, I merely made up excuses not to visit their house. At every church meeting thereafter he would try to put his arm around my shoulders and I would squirm out of the way ignoring the comments from my mother and others that he was merely trying to be 'brotherly'. It was clear to me that even if my mother believed me we would both be ostracised and she had no other life or family.

I think the whole issue of status within the church produces a climate where this abuse can continue even if there wasn't an official policy of 'protect the church at all costs'. Women have limited status, especially those without husbands, so are not likely to be believed and to suffer severe punishment by the church if they 'rock the boat'. Children have even less status. Some status is achieved by boys as they, especially those without fathers, are encouraged to be taken under the wing of elders for direction. The boys concerned undoubtedly feel proud and flattered to receive such attention which is known to be a classic situation that abusers can exploit to abuse with the certainty it will go unreported. Witnesses are encouraged to be outside 'the world' to the extent of always assuming the best of their fellow believers even in situations where unbelievers would regard this as incredibly naive.

My point is that, although I do hope your efforts to change church policy on reported abuse are successful, I am not convinced that that solution will go far enough as I believe most abuse goes unreported in the church and that this situation is deeply rooted in church structure and hierarchy. This is reinforced by the belief that Watchtower policy is always god-sent (despite regular 'new light' changing previous views!), that the elders are always right and that anyone who speaks out against doctrine or senior church members is an apostate (I still remember Franz in the 70s).

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I saw the UK programme Panorama last night and was so pleased that this has come out into the open. I have been waiting for years for this.

I was brought up in the Jehovah's Witnesses from birth. My parents were converted before I was born. I am middle child in a family of 5 children, my mother giving birth to 2 sons at 20 yrs old, 2 daughters at 30 yrs old and 1 son at 40 yrs old. I was abused by my brother who is 11 years older than myself. I do not remember a first time, which makes me think it could have happened since I was a baby. I told my parents about it when I was 6 years of age in 1968. They then told everyone, including relatives outside the religion as well as in, that they had problems with me telling lies. No one has believed anything I have ever said to this day. I also saw my brother abuse my younger sister, but she denies it ever happened and has continued to be favourite daughter in the family. I left the religion at 16 years old after a married Elder made advances to me when I had been given to him by my parents for bible studies, as they looked on me as rebellious. I asked to be disfellowshipped as I just couldn't stand it all any longer. I was ignored by my family as well as the other Jehovah's Witnesses after this, so I married at 17 to get away from home.

At 26 years old I had a 5 year old daughter. I divorced my 1st husband who had been violent to us both for 9 years. I still visited my parents and I noticed that the behaviour my older brother showed was now happening with my 15 year old younger brother. At 8 years old, my daughter disclosed that my younger brother had been abusing her and he had threatened to kill her if she told. My 2nd husband and I tried to talk to the Elders, who did nothing, so I went to the police and had my younger brother arrested. All my family went to the police station which had been well rehearsed, saying that he would not do such a thing. My sister even took her 2 boys with her and made them say that he babysits for them and had not done anything to them. My sister even suggested that it must have been me who abused my daughter. It was my daughter's word against my brothers and the police had to let him go. I find it appalling how they read the bible to you and the next minute they are doing all the things they preach are wrong. I find it so hard to trust anyone, I made it my goal to break this line of abuse and protect my children as much as I can. I know that my two brothers are still in the organisation and are in contact with a lot of children, my eldest brother having 4 of his own, who are now grown up and couldn't get away from home quick enough. I do not know if they have been abused as they are all warned to stay away from me and I have no contact.

I have no contact whatsoever with any of my family and my parents are now 70 years old and will die one day not so far away and this all will never ever be resolved. It breaks my heart. Thank you so much for bringing this out in the open. At last I know that I was right all along.

L J

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I am 35 years old and was raised as a Witness until I was 13 years old when my Mother finally wised up and left the congregation. My Mother divorced my Father when I was only a year old when she found out he had molested my three cousins and the neighbor kid down the street. The congregation decided to handle things themselves and charges were never brought. My Father spent many years in a mental institute though, whether he was cured or not I will never know. My grandmother, however, labeled my family on my Mothers side as liars and I never got to know my family on my Fathers side. My Father was killed in a car accident many years ago and I went to his Wake and heard about what a wonderful person he was. My Grandmother still did not want to have anything to do with me and I guess my Grandfather went along with her as did my two half brothers. I recently found out that both my grandparents passed away a few years ago, no one bothered to let me know.

This may not seem very bad considering most stories told, but it gets worse. My step father was a Witness as well, and he molested me from the time I was 6 years old to the time I was 16 years old. I was told never to tell, not even my mom knew until I was 16 years old and I told her. I have not seen my Step Father in several years now, but I am told he is a good Witness.

I am 35 years old and I still feel the pain.

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I was very interested in finding your site, a couple of days after having seen the UK Panorama programme.

I'm 39, male, and happily gay. I was raised as a JW from 4 to 16 by my mother, within the Bestwood & Arnold congregations in Nottingham . I think that my sexuality has little to do with the JW's per se, but it's interesting to note that my first sexual experiences (when I was 11) were introduced by my older friends, one who was 13 and the main instigator, 14, both of whom were the eldest sons of two of the five elders in the congregation I was part of. A third eldest male of a third elder was also present. The main instigator - Richard - went on to have 13 yr old girlfriends when he was 17. My point being that the Society represses young and sexually experimental people to such a great extent that half of the young male population of the elders of a congregation in a small town were sexually experimenting with each other from early ages. Of the two out of the three elders whose sons were involved, it would be fair to say that their wives always appeared down trodden and subservient. One came to the Thursday night Theocratic Ministry school with a bruise on her eye - and I still remember that from almost 30 yrs ago, when I was 9 or ten or so. On mature reflection - and I've worked within social community care for 15 yrs now - the two elders concerned might have been devout and sincere when it came to the Truth, but were bullies, apologists and/or blind when it came to the well being of their own families; socially inept and misogynistic to the extreme, but that is what the Society allowed them to be then, in the late 70's, and I'm sure still allows them to be today.

Some history here: My mother is a loving mother of 8 children - I was her first born and my youngest sister is approaching 19. I spent most of my school life being different - staying away from christian school Assembly, not celebrating birthdays (surely a wonderful thing to celebrate amongst loved ones!), having no easter eggs, or fireworks on Nov 5th in Britain, and cruelest and most bewildering when you're 5, being sent home from the school's end-of-term Christmas party (for the only reason of 'you're a Jehovah's Witness and your mum doesn't want you to stay') with a colouring book and an orange etc in my goody-bag. Which I opened alone, and not amongst all my schoolmates who were tucking in to trifle and jelly and cake.) My father has always been anti-JW from when I can remember. He once stormed the Sunday afternoon session at our local Kingdom Hall in Arnold to take myself and my sister and brother away. He still is anti, and although I made a conscious decision to leave 'The Truth' when I was 16 - after years of house to house work and being put on a lectern from 10 yrs onwards to give the 'Bible Reading', and also realising that there was no reconciliation between the Truth and who I felt I was, my mother and I are pretty close these days.

So I realised that she'd be pretty upset by the Panorama programme, because I was! She was also very grateful (I phoned her about it an hour or so ago) that my Dad - they're still together - hadn't seen it. (He has a drink problem and has blamed most of their 40 yr marriage together on the 'Truth'). We talked about how it looked, and this Sister of her local congregation for the last 30 yrs is herself shocked. But not surprised, by the fallibility of the present structure of Congregations as avowed by Bethel . Even she now feels that the whole male-dominated structure - sisters are always sisters, never elders - should be looked at.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the sisters could take some leading part within the Society? Because of all this! My mum is wonderful, and at 62, although we've argued in the past and we once didn't speak for a couple of years (when I came out to her and she told me she wished she hadn't given birth to me, and also told me that murder was a lesser crime in Jehovah's eyes than my sexuality) her faith for her god, and her faith in the JW's, is undiminished BUT she accepts that change has to happen. She can love her gay son and now she can begin to appreciate that the patriarchal Society is flawed.

If she can do that, how many others can start to make a Change?

Sorry to ramble on!

C H

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I was a member of the x VA congregation I moved to x KY congregation when I was 18:
My abuse started when I was 5 by my father who WAS NOT a Jehovah's witness but my step mother was. I was raised in the religion and I was abused from age 5 to age 15 he told me if I told anyone my step mother would hate me.
When I was 18 I told her what had happened with him and she went to the elders. I was *interrogated* by the elders for many weeks, I had to tell them in detail how he touched me, I was engaged to be married and that
wasn't allowed until they determined if I had AGREED to the abuse. AGREED??.
What child would want that? When they finally determined that I did nothing wrong I asked them if I should report this to the police. They said no that Jehovah would take care of everything. Since then it has been 12 years
and I have a failed marriage because I was afraid to let him touch me the way a man should be able to with his wife. We do have children and I am so scared to let a man near them. I am constantly depressed and cry for no
reason, I am remarried and my new husband is very understanding but how can I cope with this? I think I am ok that I don't need counseling but after 12 years it still hurts. How many other children have to go through this before
they do something?

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

Not a SILENT Lamb

You are really a godsend because as the case with most if not all of the people here on this site I thought I was the only one!! I was 8 almost 9 years old when I started studying with the Jehovah's Witnesses. A few months later my mother also joined me in going to the Kingdom hall and studying. This was back in 1985. My stepfather had begun to touch me in places which felt "weird" to me as a 9 year old during activities of play wrestling. My mother was working during the day and my stepfather was at home during the weekends and as I was not allowed to play with any kids other than Jehovah's Witness I was stuck at home. At first I had no idea what was going on. It just annoyed me the same way as if another child would spit on me or pinch me. But then my stepfather's advances became more aggressive and I started to realize something was very wrong. I told my mother immediately and after telling me to stop lying, she went to the elders. I remember the elders telling her to leave him but she didn't. Instead she told me that my stepfather said he was sorry and he would never do it again. And then returned back to wok during the day same as before. And then my stepfather returned back to his things of molesting me back as before with an added anger since I had told.

Then after some time he joined the JW faith and became baptized. Nobody ever questioned him about what my mother and I had told them!!!! My mother didn't even speak up.!!!!! As a child I was afraid to go to the police because of this person being a JW 'brother'. Shortly after that he assaulted me and tried to rape me in their own bedroom as my mother was at work !! It was very traumatic for me and from that day on I had started to make sure I was not alone at home with this man. WHenever my mother would be at work I would walk the streets in the neighborhood, try to stay at some of the other' kid's homes or just hide out in the woods behind our neighborhood. At home I would lock myself into my room and watch tv or listen to the radio when my mother was at home and would keep a huge physical distance from this man. At the kingdom hall I would sit 3 seats down away from this man if my mother was not able to attend. But most of the time I made some excuse for not even attending if my mother didn't attend. It was sick for me to even sit in the same car with this man!~ This went on for years until I left home! During those years since the stepfather could not get me to cooperate sexually with him...he would find excuses to severely beat me...... I remember at 10 or 11 I stole some coins out of his coin collection and he would strip me naked and use branches from trees and shrubs and grab my upside down by my ankles and beat me till he was tired. Or sometimes he would use his belt ...with the buckle part and I would have imprints of the belt buckle for almost a year after. I was told to wear long pants and long sleeve shirts and not to tell.

I still have a scar from when I was 10 years old and had one of those beatings on my inner thigh. And yes my mother was aware of these beatings often she was in the same room screaming at me or in the next room. As I distanced myself the stepfather had to resort to other measures to satisfy his sickness...such as sticking mirrors under the bathroom door. I was not aware of this for years until he himself told this to me because he was feeling "guilty". What a joke. I told him to go to the elders that he was sick but he refused and I couldn't make this man do it. I remember feeling like throwing up and decided to take on a second job so as not to even be at home. I had stopped showering at home and would only shower at the gym. I would not even change clothes if this man was in the house and I developed obsessions with putting towels under the doors and moving objects in front of the windows or any open space. I myself was getting mentally and emotionally sick.

Nobody ever bothered to ask how I'm doing or why is this happening. Further I wasn't a SILENT lamb!! I spoke out constantly from age 9 up to age 26 (PRESENT) !!!!! I told my numerous sisters in the congregation...my best friend who was also JW and in the same congregation. My book study conductor!! I have since left the organization at age 21.

Now comes the insult to injury part.... This past year (march 2002) the elders have wanted to contact me to "clear this matter of molestation" up. What a joke! My mother and her husband the stepfather came to me and told me this and said that elders wanted to advance him but they couldn't without me. My mother even had these people call my private number! Breaking a promise she had made to me. Anyway... a month and a half ago the stepfather came to me and had this story of how the elders said they needed a letter from me stating that nothing happened so that he could get advancement. Yes poor stepfather..he never got advanced after he was baptized. They let him hold the mic for a while and then said because he worked on a military base they would not advance him. Well it had been 7 years since he quit/lost his job and now works self employed. And they waited till NOW to want to "advance" him. LOL. ...yea right!!

In any case this angered me because I felt the organization wanted to cover up now that this is out in the news!! It made me have a break down.!! SO 2 weeks ago I called these elders myself. I wanted to let them know the true story!! We had an elders meeting and to my surprise they did not ask me about my personal life now or what I was doing and did not seem to have an agenda of trying to get me in trouble. They did ask me odd questions too such as "would you say his penis was hard at this time" etc.

I told them everything and let them know because of this I am on mental disability with severe depression and have developed a cutting (self injury) problem along with eating disorders since age of 11. I have severe memory problems due to stress, a number of psychosomatic symptoms such as itching and scratching for no reason and drinking bouts from time to time. I remember their faces at disgust and horror at all the things I had told them. All they could tell me in return was that they were sorry that I had to go through it and that nobody did anything about it and that if the stepfather denies the chargers there was nothing they could do. They asked me if this was the reason I had left and I replied to them yes it was the main reason because as I got older it felt ridiculous to sit in the same kingdom hall with this man when everyone knew what kind of man he was and nobody ever bothered to even help me.

These were younger elders who were not around at the time.. in fact the PO had been to the congregation from chicago a few years ago because of all the nasty things happening in this congregation,,,after I had already left. Supposedly they have sent the matter to the Watchtower Society and are waiting on an answer. It is ridiculous to me because it seems they only want to deal with this now because of some damn advancing or "cleansing" of their organization. Nobody gave a dam about me and apparently they still don't.

Thank you for having this website up Bill Bowen, and all you others! And also for appearing on shows such as Dateline and Panorama! The more I read and see about this the more I am convinced I did the right thing about stepping away from this cult. If this is the "truth" then I would rather die at Armageddon than be in a world with a bunch of Hypocrites. Again thank you for giving us all the opportunity to come out and finally start facing the issues and having a chance to heal in the proper way.

S V

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The Dragon Slayers

by Loris J Matheny *

The Dragon Slayers have come;

The strong of heart,

Great battles they have won.

The Dragon Slayers have come;

They fight a fine fight,

Never do they turn and run.

One by one they come;

A challenge for the Dragon,

But they are slain- every one.

Two by two they come;

They fight in teams

Because two are stronger than one.

Ten by ten they come;

The Dragon leaves the safety of the cave,

In the open it fights on.

Legion by legion they come;

The Dragon fights, the Dragon tires,

The dead cover the ground like dung.

The small child has come;

The Dragon is weak from years of battle,

The child throws a single stone.

The end for the Dragon has come;

Defeated by the Dragon Slayers,

Brought down in the end by one.

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I was molested by both my father and brother (both of who were not JWs) and also by an elder. I was ten when I was molested by this elder and I saw him again at a convention when I was about 22. I stood in the lunch line (when they still did that) and saw him ahead of me and I began to shake and cry uncontrollably. He walked over to speak to me and I turned away and was ill for the rest of the day as if my body had just shut down. I called his congregation elders on returning home and they said that they required more people to say it had happened also in order to have a judicial committee. So he remains a part of the 'fold' though he cannot be considered for being an elder. His wife has called my mother twice in the last 6 months asking if I will take it back so that he can serve. She has stated that "You have to convince your daughter that it didn't happen." I am now disfellowshipped because I do not believe it is the true religion. In no way would I take back what I know was so real.

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I live in England . In May 1995, an Elder in our congregation age 63 was jailed for 6 years for 2 counts of indecent assault and 1 count of rape against a 13 year old girl in our congregation. (I still have the newspaper cutting).

He served just over 3 years and was taken under the wing of another Elder when he was released from prison.

He has since been on the door to door work. A Paedophile knocking on the doors.

I would do anything to help publicize what is going on. I was a sister for 19 years but just drifted away as I saw so much hypocrisy.

HH ( England )

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I'M WRITING BECAUSE AT THE AGE OF 5 MY PARENTS GOT A DIVORCE AND I BELIEVE IT WAS BY THE AGE OF 6 OR 7 MY REAL FATHER (IF YOU CAN CALL HIM THAT) STARTED MOLESTING ME WHEN HE THOUGHT I WAS ASLEEP AND ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS HE ALMOST RAPED ME BUT I WOULD ACT LIKE I WAS WAKING UP AND HE WOULD STOP. THIS HAPPENED FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, FOR A L ONG TIME MY MIND SUPPRESSED THE MEMORY AND I BELIEVE IT WAS AT THE AGE OF 14 OR 15 THAT I REMEMBERED IT ALL AND THE THOUGHT OF HIM DOING THIS TO ME MADE ME SICK. HOW CAN SOME ONE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR YOU, LOVE YOU AND PROTECT YOU HURT YOU SO MUCH?

I REMEMBER TELLING HIM OVER THE PHONE I HATED HIM AND ASKING HOW COULD HE HAVE DONE THIS TO ME. HE DENIED IT. HE SAID I WAS CRAZY. I TOLD HIM I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING AND IT DID HIM NO GOOD TO DENY IT. AT THAT POINT HE SAID HE DIDN'T MEAN TO AND HE WANTED TO EXPLAIN. WHAT CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHEN YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO AN INNOCENT CHILD?

I REMEMBER TELLING MY SISTER SHORTLY THEREAFTER. SHE SAID SHE BELIEVED ME, BUT I THINK IT TOOK HER A WHILE TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT. I TOLD MY MOTHER A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER AND SHE YELLED AT ME AND ASKED WHY I NEVER TOLD HER. I NEVER TOLD MY GRANDMOTHER BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT WOULD SURELY KILL HER, I DID TELL HER BROTHER BUT SWORE HIM TO SECRECY, LIKE MY SISTER. MY GRAND MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS 20 AND I SWORE I WOULD DO SOMETHING. BUT THEN I THOUGHT, WHAT FOR? I SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT IN THE PAST. ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO HE CONFESSED IT TO ONE OF MY AUNTS. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS!!! MY SISTER CALLED ME AND TOLD ME MY AUNT HAD CALLED HER CRYING AND WANTED TO KNOW IF THIS WAS TRUE AND MY SISTER CONFIRMED IT I ASKED HER TO LET ME TELL MY UNCLE AND ONE OF MY OTHER AUNTS. I DID AND MY UNCLE COULD NOT BELIEVE IT AND MY AUNT TOOK HIS SIDE, ANY WAY ONCE AGAIN I SAID I'LL LEAVE IT ALONE.

HE DID THIS TO ME, HE HURT ME, SHATTERED MY CHILDHOOD, BUT IM GOING TO LEAVE IT IN THE PAST. II FOUND OUT AT END OF LAST YEAR HE MOLESTED MY 2 YOUNGER SISTERS. (NOT HIS KIDS) YET AGAIN THERE GOES ALL THE EMOTIONS. WHY? I ASK MY SELF, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID THIS TO THEM. IT IS ALL MY FAULT FOR NOT SAYING ANYTHING. I BLAME MY SELF FOR THIS.

RECENTLY MY GRANDFATHER PASSED AWAY AND MY FATHER WAS AT THE FUNERAL AND WANTED TO TALK TO ME. I WAS REPULSED BY THIS AND THE VERY SIGHT OF HIM. SO MANY YEARS HAVE PASSED, I REALLY WANT TO DO SOMETHING, BUT IM AFRAID THE LAW WONT DO ANYTHING TO HIM. HE IS A SICK PERSON AND IM AFRAID IF HE DID THIS TO ANYONE ELSE, HE MIGHT DO IT AGAIN. IM 26 AND HAVE MY OWN CHILDREN AND I PROTECT THEM. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM LIKE HE WANTS ME TO BECAUSE HE CAN HARM MY CHILDREN. I WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE A NORMAL CHILDHOOD NOT LIKE MINE, A SHATTERED ONE. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME.

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To Whom it may concern:
Recently, I have seen the reports/ story segments that have been done on the sexual abuse some have suffered at the hand of those that were supposed to protect the congregation.

I was not molested by any of the elders, however I was sexually assaulted by two young brothers on separate occasions. At 18 when I sat before a judicial committee, I bared my soul not just for the wrong I had committed but for the pain I had suffered. One of the young men I had been dating when he sexually, verbally, & mentally abused me. This young man, was at the time dating the P.O.'s daughter, who also sat on the committee. It was no secret that the bothers were extremely pleased to have me at their mercy. The rape & sexual abuse I encountered were blamed on me, I was called a harlot & a whore. The elders continued to verbally abuse me, the memories
of that night are still open wounds for me 12 years later. I was never told to contact the authorities, just the opposite, because there were no other witness' to what had happened to me, I was called a liar and that no-one in their right mind would believe me. I was disfellowshipped. As the years went by, I found out that for years, not just the elders but also women in the congregation had made it their goal in life to find reason, true or false, to get me in front of a committee.

I am saddened by the accounts of what others have suffered and the pain caused to them at the hands of these "shepherds of Gods flock", yet I am also relieved because I am not alone. I have no problem going public with my story. My mother is still a faithful JW, yet she will admit to the abuse and pain I was caused.

Thank you for providing a place where my story may be heard & hopefully
help another to heal.

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My story is very similar to everyone else's with the exception of sexual abuse. My mother raised me as a Jehovah's Witness. I had an alcoholic father who was not in the truth. My father physically abused me to the point social services were called and I was sent to N.C. to live with my Aunt. During these beatings, my mother would just sit back and watch. Not doing anything to control or diffuse the situation. At times my mother would hold my head under the faucet of the bathtub until I stopped crying. My mother, the Jehovah's Witness. When my father had an affair and my mother brought my older sister and I to tag along and watch this, she still did not leave him. Being an abused child by both my Jehovah's witness mother and father, I began to rebel. Nothing to seriously, but things like stealing, acting up in class at school etc. My mother took me before the elders who in turned judged me as being bad association, in turn leading to my "disassociation" from the congregation. I was 13, how could I be so horrible that nobody could speak to me. I grew up thinking if "God" is a God of love, then why doesn't he love me? Why was I being "shunned" instead of being loved and welcomed into the arms of the congregation to unconditionally love and help others? Why could Christ forgive everyone but me? This was what I was led to believe. After my Aunt adopted me at the age of 16, a few Jehovah's Witnesses came to our door. I stated to them, as programmed to do by the congregation, I am bad association, I have been disassociated, and you can't speak to me. Upon hearing this, they asked me if I was ever baptized, I said no, they then said that the rules had changed and that I could not be disassociated if I was not baptized. So for 3 years I was ostracized from not only the congregation, but from my family. Once I was sent here, my mother and sister could no longer speak to me. How is it God's way to not allow or ban a mother from her child?

I have since made the decision to have a relationship with God. I am happily married to a Christian man. I still have doubts of my beliefs due to the "brain washing" of the Jehovah's Witnesses, which I assume the scars will always be around, but I chose to speak out, be strong and make my own decision about my faith and life. I owe a lot of my success to not only to God, but to my Aunt, and my husband. Without the love and support and many reality checks, I don't think I could have survived.

I am not afraid to give my name, because I feel if I can help anyone else out there who has been brainwashed by this religious cult, then please contact me if for nothing less than just "real" Christian love.

R M

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My name is P, I was suprised when I saw that there was a page for battered women. I was raised Jehovah's Witness. I lived a very sheltered life and when I got married to my husband I was a virgin. My husband first beat me during our engagement. Because I had not had much experience with abusers when he said he would never hit me again, I believed him. My mother was the only one who tried in vain to warn me that he would hit me again. But none of the elders or other members tried to sway my decision and give me advice against my marriage. My mother did not attend my wedding which was held in the local Kingdom Hall.

On the night of my wedding day, our honeymoon, my husband beat me. I can't even remember what I did wrong, he threw me out of the hotel room and I spent part of the night crying in the public toilets in the hotel, hiding because I was embarrassed about my predicament.

The physical and mental abuse started on my honeymoon and continued for two years. The elders were called on numerous occasions by me and my husband, most of the time right after the abuse had occurred. The elders saw the bruises the broken teeth the smashed face and blacked eyes.

The elders would talk to my husband and coerce me into going back to him after he promised he would never hit me again. One or two weeks later the abuse would start again and continue on a regular basis, with mental persecution which included being woken in the middle of the night and told to stand at the side of the bed, for hours at a time, when I needed to go to the bathroom I was forced to go the some public toilets that were a hundred yards down the road, my husband would watch from the window to make sure I did as he told me. My mother new of some of the abuse. I tried to keep all of it from her and say , I walked into a door, or I fell down, my mother did not believe any of it. She constantly told me to leave him. She would warn me that she thought he would eventually kill me.

Thankfully I did wake up and made the decision to leave. I informed the elders of my kingdom hall, it was a thursday night meeting the elders were instantly against my decision to leave my husband. They warned me that if I did divorce and later marry that in the eyes of god I would be committing adultery and be disfellowshipped. The elders talked to me late into the night trying to make me change my mind and return to my husband. I was adamant and with help from my mother stuck to my decision.

Because of my decision and the threat of being disfellowshipped I left the congregation. I was hounded for months by my husband and the elders. I would hide in my house and pretend I was not at home. I was made to feel like I had done something wrong by other JW's and even my father who stayed in the faith until he died in 95.

All this happened 24 years ago. I feel bitter that the people who I relied on and trusted advised me to stay in the abusive relationship and threaten me with the consequences of my decision to leave the marriage. I did get support from my mother and her family who are not JW's and over the years the scars have healed. I do have a bridge to replace my front teeth. I still have my life and I am now living with a loving husband and soon we will celebrate our 20th anniversary. I am very anti organized religion.

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

Sent: Monday, January 06, 2003 1:49 PM

I was up all night last night, same dream, same faces, same questions that have haunted me for over 20 years. I was a child of JW family, I never was a JW. I make that clear, because my participation was forced and my subservience was acquired through punishment and intimidation. I was molested for a period of about 5 years by a ministerial servant, who also happened to be my step-grandfather. My step-father unfortunately fell right into his father's footsteps. My life as a child was akin to a POW camp, beatings,humiliation, ostracization and isolation, brainwashing...... and that was only the beginning. All my life I have asked the same questions, never to be answered....WHY WHY WHY? I prayed and read my bible and prepared for every single meeting, please Jehovah, protect me, make it stop. I made deals with God, if you make it stop, I'll dedicate my life to you. But it didn't stop. I told so many within the congregation, so did my little sister. No one helped, no one saved us. We would hold hands and pray, but instead of our prayers being answered, things got worse. We had a big meeting at our house, all the elders and my mom and step-dad and us children. We were told to stop wearing t-shirts and sweaters and blue jeans. We were tempting him, it was our fault. My mother was told to lose weight so that my step-father would be attracted to her sexually. It was everyone's fault but his. He showed no remorse or repentance, and they left us there to pay. Pay for telling, pay for reaching out for help. My mother hated us, we were now competition. My step fathers beatings got worse, he got away with it and now he had no reason to fear. The congregation shunned us, we weren't welcome in our peers homes, people whispered about us. We had no association in the "world" we had nothing and nobody but each other. We all escaped eventually, my brother ran away at 15, my sister at 14 and I left at 16. We all had problems with drug and alcohol abuse. Bad marriages, and psychiatric treatments, both in and outpatient. Neither my sister nor I can go into any church, even though its been 20 years. Its like every time you eat at a restraint and you get food poisoning, you can't even look at a restraint without getting sick to your stomach. I can't look at a Kingdom Hall, or any church for that matter without my knees shaking and an undeniable urge to run. I have made peace with my past, my Mother who never protected me, my grandfather who loved me, yet molested me for 5 years and even my step father whose sadism made our lives worse than any hell the bible could describe. I forgive them, they were sick. But all the brothers and sisters in our congregation who turned their eyes away from our suffering, them who could have eased our pain, hunger and torment, for them I can find no forgiveness. They say it is their duty as christians to be persecuted for their faith, I say the persecution heaped upon us as children makes their persecution nothing. May each and every one of them suffer half the torment my sisters and brothers did for half the time we suffered, and may God have mercy on their souls. Thank you silentlambs for giving me a voice and soothing my shame.

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In 1997, the day after having gone on a fishing trip with my husband, my husband's friend and this friend's father-in-law (all Jehovah Witnesses), my then 5 year old son came in the kitchen and said : Mom, he touched my
penis. I said "What???!!! Who????!!!" It was the father-in-law.

I called at once my husband on the phone, he was flabbergasted. I then called his friend, but his wife answered (the daughter of the molester). She said my son was crazy and had behavioral problems (he has ADHD). She was
very furious. I said to her : watch out, you have children too...

We immediately reported this to the elders. It took a month until we finally managed to have this heard in a
judicial committee to which my son had to explain to the elders in the presence of his molester everything that was done to him. He was masturbated on the boat right under their noses, my husband and his friend having their backs
turned, and the molester was sitting at one end of the boat with my son, grabbing his genitals. And on the trip back, my son was sitting in the back seat of the car with the molester right beside him, my husband was driving
and his friend sat beside him in the passenger seat.

My son was molested throughout the whole trip back home without anyone noticing anything... He was never alone with my son, so how could this have happened, right? Pedophiles are not necessarily idiots. Now that he is eleven years old, he can tell everything as it happened. But did the elders believe a five year old hyperactive troublesome child? Of course they didn't, they believed the molester who denied everything saying my son was agitated and rubbed his thighs to calm him. And what could my son say? He was very embarrassed to talk about this and didn't know exactly how to explain things, what else to expect from a 5 year old? And what about us, the parents? Believe it or not, we bought into it, we believed this molester, who by the way was visiting our country - he was an elder in
his congregation in his country The Philippines.

Was this reported to the police? No. We were encouraged to keep this inside the congregation. Let the shepherds deal with this matter. What was done? He lost his privilege to be an elder. That's all I can remember. And we were told not to tell anyone about this. He has since moved to our country and is still a member of the ORGANIZATION.

After watching THE FIFTH ESTATE last night, it backfired... This morning I talked to my son about the abuse, after keeping this silent for 5 1/2 years, and what he told me made me feel sick to my stomach. We are going to do
something about this, but not through the congregation this time, we are going to the police. I have never gone back to the meetings since, but my husband keeps going. He talked to one of the elders tonight and he said that we should report this to the authorities. I think they are starting to realize that things are getting way out of hand and they had better make certain adjustments if they want to keep the sheep in the flock.

I'm planning to send a copy of this letter to all my in-laws who are JW upon approval by my son. That way, they'll know why I'm going to leave the ORGANIZATION. The elders had the responsibility and the duty to inform
the justice system. Guess what?...News flash: THEY FAILED TO DO SO. We all failed the victim. It makes me sick to think about the rage my son must have felt when not even his own parents believed him. The humiliating minutes he suffered at the hands of this bastard smiling at him. Not to mention the potential victims he could have molested in the past 5 years.

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I was 14 when it happened, and I think he was the first love of my life. The only problem was D was the husband of one of my dearest friends and he was 28yrs old. It started on July 4th 1980 and in a matter of months my entire world was turned upside down. I had been spending a lot of time a t D's grandparents house, hanging out with his sister P. I didn't know it then but I was one of many that this happened to. D's wife later told me she was at a loss for what to do. I was fortunate the abuse was not sexual per se, but it was molestation just the same. I went to the elders some time later with what D did. They did nothing, he continued on, even so far as going after his own sister. It wasn't until many more years later when D got in trouble again. I approached the Elders again. To my surprise these Elders did not even know about the accusations I had levied more than 10 yrs before. D was disfellowshipped in 2000. I asked to confront him and was ! told no. Finally in late 2002 I was granted my confrontation request, but only because I threatened legal action. D admitted what he did, and tried to blame me for the situation. They have now reinstated D to full privileges in the congregation, I am very concerned that he will go after young girls again-- if he ever stopped at all. I called the WatchTower Society last night and they hung up on me.

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I do not know where to begin. But I will start at the beginning. My husband was raised as a witness and I have never heard of them. Well at first I was very interested in them. They were so nice to me. Then it all started when my husband's father would talk down to his wife and belittle her in front of people so I wondered what went on behind the close doors.

Then my husband started to hit me. We then got pregnant and we were not married, his dad said that we would have to get married because he was getting appointed to be an elder. The whole congregation shunned me as a result.

We finally got married and it got worse the beatings happened everyday. We then moved away from my family because his dad said we had to come with them by this time I was so scared of them. We moved nine hours away from my family and friends to only find out that his dad is the same way.

One day my husband and I got into a fight in the car and his mom and dad followed us. When we stopped his mom got in the van and was hitting me as well. All of a sudden I was dragged outside the van and kicked by his father in the stomach. (I was pregnant).

I put my husband in jail for six months and that was all it took for him to see the light about his family. He has never hit me again since and that has been two years. But his father is still an elder and when I went to talk to the elders they said that there had to be two other people there to see it and that there was nothing they could do.

Now his family does not even call there three grandchildren because there are not witnesses. I really do not care but they still send magazines to the door. We just moved and by chance they found out where we are and because I would not answer the door one time they are sending them to us in the mail. So now I have been sending them back.

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Sent: Saturday, February 15, 2003 2:14 PM

Subject: thank you

Thank you for bringing all of this to light. There are too many children suffering at the hands of their families today. In other religions people are encouraged to speak up, people support them for doing it. Only as a witness are you punished for speaking out. I was not a small child when a brother in the "the Faith" chose to show me what the congregation thought of me. I was 16 with a worldly boyfriend, so he felt I was a whore.

When he tried to force me to have sex, I ran. I was to scared to let anyone know because I would be the one in trouble. A sister thinking she would help, told my would be rapist that I had gone to the elders. He in turn went to them telling them that I was a whore because of my worldly associations and that I seduced him. When my elders meeting came (which was 3 males against a 16 year old girl) I was informed that I had caused him to fail in the faith and that I should be repentant.

I was accused & judged before my meeting had been going two minutes. Then I was asked if I was repentant! How can I be sorry for something that I didn't do? I told them no, and so I was disfellowshipped. My parents told me to move out within 2 weeks, because my father was an elder. If I did not move out they feared he would have to step down. When you aren't allowed to have worldly friends and then you have only support taken away that you know, life sucks. It was my worldly friends who saved me, it was my worldly friends who helped me and it is my worldly husband who has showed me how to trust again. I still can't be alone with some men, It gives me panic attacks.

They can change your life in an instant. Yet the Watchtower Society teaches us to blindly follow them. In this male dominant faith, I can see why so many children are abused. They teach them early on that children and wives must OBEY them in all things. Children are taught to respect the elders above all else. Neither of these are helpful for children or wives. I guarantee there are millions more out there abused by the very faith they think will save them. I have been disfellowshipped since 1989 and still don't believe that I could have brought my would be rapist to justice. Who would have supported my story? My Elders didn't, my family didn't, and my so-called brothers and sisters didn't.
JK

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Hi, my name is L and I was sexually molested by my Stepfather from the time I was very young. I am now 56 years old and the nightmares continue. He is an Elder in the Jehovah's Witnesses and was never prosecuted for this horrible crime. After many years of hiding this horrible secret, I wrote to the overseer in the Congregation, NOTHING was done to him! They advised too much time had passed since he did this to me and that I was "promiscuous" anyway. How in the world can a very young girl of 10 years old become promiscuous? Well, after years of being sexually molested and scared to death by a man who is supposed to be your "Father", what do you expect a teenager to become??????? I cannot believe that he can go on with his life, after my Mother died, he remarried and had a little girl!!!! Good grief, what is he doing to her I wonder? I have been through three disastrous marriages and am now on antidepressants and went through therapy but my whole life is ruined as I cannot get what he had done to me out of my mind and live with this day in and day out. I now live alone and have gone through panic attacks, migraine headaches and severe depression stemming from my young age of being molested. There is no answer, but how can they close their eyes to the fact that this man molested me??? He put me through the tortures of hell and the hell will continue until I die as what he did to me cannot be erased. And they call themselves people of God?

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If you would like to share your story, send it to:
story@silentlambs.org
Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

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